Monthly Archives: May 2010

Weekends are sacred

Weekends are sacred even though there are errands to run and housework chores to do.

Weekends are sacred despite gymnastic practices, Taekwondo lessons, religious education and Chinese school.

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Weekends are sacred because we didn’t realize how much fun it is to fly a kite.

Now we know.

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Weekends are sacred because we ended the perfect day with a broken kite and a kite gone missing after it broke away and flew off into the clouds.

We are going to get more.

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Weekends are sacred even though sometimes daddy is flying out to yet another foreign country on Saturdays or coming home on Sundays.

Weekends are sacred exactly because he travels so much that we need to use our weekends wisely, not squandering.

Weekends are sacred even though sometimes mommy has to fly out on Sunday night (or the night of Memorial Day) to be in another city by a certain time for some meeting that she would rather not be part of because she starts missing you when she is printing out her boarding pass.

Weekends are sacred even though because the city we live in only has two seasons: Winter and Construction.

Weekends are sacred because we only have one month of spring and one month of fall that are ripe to make perfect days with.

Weekends are sacred because the reward of pedaling uphills inside the woods of Morten Arboretum is a series of downhill turns with the sound of the wind and the clack clack clack of the coasting bicycle wheels accompanied by your screaming

WWWeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

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Weekends are sacred because our tree is just big enough now to support a hammock.

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Weekends are sacred because we are a family of lazy souls living a packed life.

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Weekends are sacred because when it comes down to it what we really want to do, after all this…

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Is nothing at all.

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Nothing is better than doing nothing.

Weekends are sacred.

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Unknown Mami

WTF Wednesday: Blast from the Past

I recently remembered that I have kept my computer files from the last century somewhere on the hard drive and went looking.  I came upon a Letter to Nobody that I wrote in 1997 documenting an interesting encounter that I have since forgotten.

What surprises and delights me is that I sounded just as sarcastic, bitchy and “stabby” thirteen years ago. I have not changed one bit!

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Yet another excuse for me to use my favorite sign from The Bloggess

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Another just as delightful realization dawned on me: A letter to nobody yet with an imagined audience somewhere out there?  An innate, almost pathological need to (over) share, to tell my stories?  I guess I am destined to be a blogger all along. Or perhaps it’s the other way around: I should be grateful that blogging came along and saved me from a life in the joint from having stabbed someone. It was bound to happen if not for this.

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My Stories
June 25, 1997

As you all know, I have had several “interesting” experiences as an Asian woman in this country. But tonight I hit the jackpot. . . I thought I might share it with you all. I hope you “appreciate” this story as I do.

I went to Brookstone in the mall with my husband this evening. We were looking at different things and I wandered away from him. (My first mistake?) I was looking at a finger blood pressure measurement machine when the salesperson sneaked up from behind.

“I see, you are taking your own blood pressure,” he said.

I wasn’t interested in the gadget, so I didn’t respond to him.

“Do you not understand English? Are you with the man over there?” he said loudly and slowly.

So before he even heard me speak, he assumed that I did not understand English.

“Oh, man, I can’t believe this is happening.” I thought.

I tried to give him a good comeback. So I took a deep breath, sighed, without looking at him,

“No, I do NOT understand English.”

He laughed. Ha ha.

Now, most normal human beings would just take the hint and leave me alone, but not my salesperson. He continued,

“Oh, you do NOT understand English VERY WELL. Not only do you understand me fine, you also got the joke.”

I was wondering which part of his remarks could be the joke. I was also frustrated because he did not get MY “joke”.

“Are you looking at the electric toothbrush also?”

He took down one of the electric toothbrushes displayed on top of the blood pressure taker I was looking at and started explaining how the thing works. Again, I wasn’t really interested.

“Are you not understanding me? Do you understand enough English? Are you following me here?” he out of nowhere drew this conclusion about me.

I asked myself, “Is it because how I look? Is it because how I dress?”

I have to admit that he caught me offguard. I couldn’t believe that someone would say something like this out right to me. I was so surprised that I forgot to get offended.

Silence.

He kept on saying something else. I wasn’t listening. I was laughing. I turned to him with a smile,

“You know, right now I really feel like grabbing something and hitting you with it.”

I ended my line with more laughter.

“I’d better leave here now,” I said, not moving.

At this moment, my husband approached us and asked me what happened.

“Oh, I was just being too helpful and she said she wants to hit me with something,” the salesperson said with a laugh.

Then he turned to me and said, “I know how you feel.”

Do you really? I was thinking.

“I feel the same way whenever I go shopping,” he added.

So isn’t that curious? He feels like an Asian when he goes shopping!

Waiting

Let's go. We can't. Why not? We are waiting for Godot.

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I have been thinking about this exchange in Samuel Beckett’s Waiting for Godot a lot lately.

ESTRAGON: Let’s go.
VLADIMIR: We can’t.
ESTRAGON: Why not?
VLADIMIR: We are waiting for Godot.

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End of Act I. They do not move

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This exchange recurs throughout the play. No progress is made. Nothing is changed.  Both acts end on the same verbal promise for action that is never carried out:

VLADIMIR: Well? Shall we go?
ESTRAGON: Yes, let’s go.
They do not move.

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It depressed the hack out of me when the lights dimmed on the two figures in the center of the stage: the same way they started; the same way they ended Act II.  Immobile.  Engulfed by the darkness, the unknown, eternity. The image and the thought haunts me.

They do not move.

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A lot have been written, theorizing the allegorical meaning of Beckett’s tragicomedy. The meaning of Godot.

To me, I’ve always thought that Beckett made a mistake; he should have turned the label the other way around – a comictragedy. This is a tragedy about Didi and Gogo who are the prisoners of their own misplaced hope. This whole waiting thing causes the inaction. It would have been better if they have come to the conclusion that no one is coming.  Things are not going to be better.  Nothing is going to change their situations for them.  But themselves.

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I didn’t even realize I have been waiting.  Waiting for something, for what I have no idea yet.

What are you waiting for? If you knew what you are waiting for, perchance an event, a sign, the other shoe, will it make everything more tolerable?

I compartmentalize.  By spouting random nonsense here I am able to continue to not think.  To forestall the unraveling.  To keep it together.  To carry on with no resolution in sight.  To wait.  Not remembering that I have been waiting.

For what I know not yet.

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Let’s go.

We can’t.

Why not?

We are waiting for Godot.

Teaching Kids Simple Words: Bees

So we have to worry about our kids learning about Bees now?!

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Here is a translation if you have trouble reading the handwriting…

The question was: If you were a bee, would you be a worker, a drone or a queen? Why?

My 7 year-old child’s answer: If I were a bee, I would be a worker because I get to collect pollen and nectar.

He could have stopped there. But of course, Noooooooooo.

He went on to explain: I do not want to be a drone because it is kind of disgusting in a way. You help her by helping her lay eggs. The end.

The kid’s right though. A drone’s life is something you do not want to wish upon your worst enemies. (Oh who am I kidding? I am the exact kind of person that WILL wish these things upon my worst enemies)

“Should a drone succeed in mating it will soon die because the penis and associated abdominal tissues are ripped from the drone’s body at sexual intercourse.” Wikipedia (where lazy people come to find answers)

So die a horrible death or lead a long, sexless life. Which one would you choose?

WTF Wednesday: There, I fixed it (A Pictogram)

The oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico gets bigger and bigger... Nobody knows what to do yet...

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As Lagunatic suggested, the execs should go clean up this mess...

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Srly. You can't make this shit up. The Onion is not as creative as this one.

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Heartbreaking

Fort De Soto lives up to its title

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Our trip to St. Pete Beach, and especially North Beach at Fort De Soto was filled with moments of wonders:

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White sandy beaches, calm and clear water, massive expanse of azure that makes one understand what it means to not be able to tell the ocean from the sky, the elegant flight of Brown Pelicans, and the delight of coming face to face with the living ocean: oysters, sea urchins, sea snails, mollusks inside sea shells, hermit crabs, and schools of fish that swim right next to you, by your feet.

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Azure paradise

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And sting rays. They hang around at the sandy bottom of the shallow ocean water on North Beach.

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httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CbLeIQrcyNA

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And Brown Pelicans. Did I mention the Brown Pelicans yet? There were three of them flying over the hotel and in front of our room every single day, at dusk. (Sorry about the quality: I rushed out to the balcony with my phone to catch this picture)

Brown Pelicans are endangered even more because of the oil spill

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Every time I saw them, I was reminded by the NPR interview with an environmentalist that I happened to hear the day before our trip: how Brown Pelicans are one of the animals that may experience the worst impact since they just came off the endangered species list in November, after 40 fucking years of struggling for survival. Every time I watched their graceful dive into the ocean, I felt like crying.

I wanted to say, I am so sorry.

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Oiled Brown Pelican being cleaned by IBRRC

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The video below is shot by an amateur videographer flying over the scene of the oil spill: it shows the extent of the damage is much worse than what BP has led the public to believe. My apology first:

I believe it’s important we all see this even though I am not sure what good it’ll do.

Helplessness.

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I don’t like to feel helpless because that feeling will soon degenerate into hopelessness. How about a good dose of anger? How about this headline?

BP makes enough profit in four days to cover the costs of the spill cleanup thus far.

On Monday, BP said it spent $350 million in the first 20 days of the spill response, about $17.5 million a day. It has paid 295 of the 4,700 claims received, for a total of $3.5 million. By contrast, in the first quarter of the year, the London-based oil giant’s profits averaged $93 million a day.

The amount of oil leaking into the Gulf of Mexico has been estimated at 5,000 to 25,000 barrels a day. In the first quarter, BP produced 2.5 million barrels of crude oil a day worldwide — and it received $71.86 for every barrel.

At $93 million a day in profits, BP makes $350 million in about 3.8 days. The Washington Post noted that Exxon, through a decision by the Supreme Court, was able to pay only $507.5 million of the original $5 billion in punitive damages that it had been assessed for the 1989 Valdez disaster.

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Or how about a screenshot of HuffPost when I opened it up this morning?

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"Not my fault!" and naturally "I am not a crook!"

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GREED.

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Once again, my dear readers, I apologize: I don’t know what good this ranting will do, but it makes me feel much better. Even if just for a short while.

Mother’s Day Double Feature: Why I don’t deserve a holiday in my name

This is the second part of a rare Double Feature, in celebration of Mother’s Day.

No, my dear readers, Chef Ping’s was sadly not on my itinerary… Not that I haven’t tried though. I decided at around 4 pm that yes, we are going to go to Chef Ping’s because It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to. We didn’t manage to get out the door until 5 pm because my kids kept on saying, “Ok. Mom. Ok. Just until I finish this episode, this game, this chat…”

We drove to Chef Ping’s, not without a passionate discussion on WHY. The wait was to be 30 minutes.

My dear readers, I lied in my previous post when I said “No expectations. No disappointment.” Apparently though I had no expectations for my children to behave differently from any other day, I did expect to be able to go to my favorite Chinese restaurant at 5 pm on a Sunday! I was devastated.

I forgot that today is Mother’s Day aka The Bane of My Existence.

Choking back tears that surprised even myself, I resigned, “Let’s just go home.  I will make you guys food, and I will have ramen noodles.”

“Mom. Let’s just go to some other restaurant! Because now you are just guilt tripping us!” My 12-year-old said with keen perception.

I kept an eerie silence as I drove aimlessly home. But not before I yelled at the boys for the 258th time to please shut their mouths if they could not stop bickering. The passive aggression was so thick inside the car I could practically lick it.

But I did still need to feed them. Taco Bell! A 90-degree emergency left turn brought me to the drive-through window.

“Do you want any sauce with that?”

“Yes. Medium and mild please.”

“Ok. Mild and Hot. Here you go. Happy Mother’s Day!”

“Wow. That lady’s hearing was not very good.” My 12-year-old made another keen observation.

” *sigh* I am too tired to correct her. Sometimes I am so tired of living here.”

“Do you prefer to live in Taiwan?”

“To be honest with you, I don’t know what it is like to live in Taiwan. I have never had ‘lived’ in Taiwan for real… I don’t know. I was going to school, living with my parents, then I came here. I don’t think I know what it is like to live in Taiwan…  It is confusing. I don’t know.”

“Yeah. It is confusing alright…  Do you remember when you were a kid?”

“Yes. I do of course.”

“I don’t want to grow up.” My 12-year-old concluded after a pause.

“I hear you, honey.” Strike one, mom. Way to motivate your child!

“Being a grown-up sucks!” Interjected my 7-year-old.

“Being a grown-up is 99% of your life!” His older brother admonished him.

“Mom. Doesn’t being a grown-up suck?” My 7-year-old continued.

“Huh? Oh, yeah. I think the sucky part of being a grown-up is mainly associated with being a parent…” Strike two. Good job, mom.

“HEY! Your life is going to be so boring and miserable if you didn’t have us!” My 12-year-old protested.

“Ha ha. You are right honey.”

“Have you ever wished that you didn’t have children?” My youngest pursued.

Beat.

Beat.

Beat.

I could not bring myself to answer this question. Strike three, mom. Let’s hope they turn out to be writers so they can use this episode in a positive way.

“I am sure she did when we really really pissed her off!”

So here I am. Making three different kinds of ramen noodles. But not before we went to Blockbuster, my youngest had a meltdown because he absolutely had to watch The Karate Kid III TODAY and his brother absolutely did NOT want to watch it, and my oldest and I had a passionate discussion on why we couldn’t rent Ninja Assassin…

What’s the point if I have to clean on the Monday AFTER Mother’s Day?

Sure I can take a rest today. Sure I can go out and have fun and enjoy myself. (Well, I actually can’t since my husband left for Canada this morning… So I am single-parenting for the next ten days…) But really, if things are not taken care of at home TODAY, I know I have to do it TOMORROW.

What is the point?

I hate Mother’s Day.

I am celebrating it by allowing my children to be on the computer all day.

Ok. I don’t really hate Mother’s Day. Over the years I have learned to treat today just like every other Sunday. No expectations. No disappointment.

THIS is also the motto of how I live my life.

Although it kind of became worse when Mr. Monk threw a tantrum because he didn’t like the restaurant I suggested for dinner.

“I don’t want to go to Chef Ping’s!!”

“But today is MOTHER’S DAY!” I guess I can guilt-trip with the best of them.

“I hate Chef Ping’s!”

“Would you like a grilled cheese sandwich instead?”

“I WANT TO GO TO A RESTAURANT FOR MOTHER’S DAY! BUT I DON’T WANT TO GO TO CHEF PING’S!”

“You don’t eat anything else but white rice honey when we go to a Chinese restaurant!”

“NO! I DON’T! Wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah…”

Oh lord. Will this day never end?

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Flowers for me from my 7 yo. He took the picture also. This is one of the hundreds of pictures he took of the same subject

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WTF Wednesday: A great week to be a misanthrope

I am having a hard time with this post: I cannot decide which WTF moment to lead with. Too many blazing instances of human stupidity, greed and bigotry circulating the Interweb and I am at a loss. But forge on I must since if I don’t write a WTF Wednesday post this week, it would be like Tiger Woods missing the opportunity to play his 18 holes after being appointed the chaperon for the Miss America Pageant.

WTF Moment #0: BP Oil Spill. ‘Nuff said.

WTF Moment #1: BP’s liability is, as of now, limited to $75 million due to a law passed 20 years ago.

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httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kk4n0SvG0-Y

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WTF Moment #2: BP made $5 billion in profits in the last quarter. That’s PROFITS, peeps, not REVENUE. And it is last QUARTER, not last YEAR.

WTF Moment #3: BP CEO said they will take responsibility for the RESPONSE but NOT the Accident. Since the drilling platform was outsourced to another, much smaller company, BP is, as implied by Tony Hayward, not at fault. In the same vein, DOD is not responsible for what happened in Iraq since much of that has been outsourced to Blackwater, and I am not responsible for my children since much of their education has been outsourced to the public school education system.

WTF Moment #4: Soon after the explosion and the resulting spill, BP reps went around coastal communities, offering residents, including fishermen whose livelihood depends sorely on the ocean, Wait for it! A whopping $5000 if they agreed to not sue. Please see #2.

WTF Moment #5: Is it just me? Was anybody else disgusted by BP’s move to create an environmental friendly, greener, image with their new green sunburst logo? They spent millions of dollars on that rebranding campaign. It would be tragically ironical if they end up paying LESS in liability for the largest environmental disaster to ever happen to this country than what they have paid in that marketing campaign.

WTF Moment #6: “Rush Limbaugh suggests environmentalists planned oil spill.” Please say something to this while my jaw is on the floor and I cannot talk.

Earth to Rush: Hey! This is Glenn Beck. I don’t believe that Obama blew up the oil rig!

WTF Moment #7: If you are shocked by #6, you are going to love this…  According to Rush, “The ocean will take care of this on its own if it was left alone and was left out there.” And, there’s more!

“It’s natural. It’s as natural as the ocean water is.”

My favorite comeback came from Keith Olbermann: “You know what else is natural, according to Rush? Hemorrhoids.” GOLD!

WTF Moment #8: (This is personal whining…) We have planned a mini vacation to St. Pete Beach, Florida, this week specifically just so we could revisit Fort De Soto Park, one of the best beaches, and most under-hyped, in the US. It’s not just me saying it, it was selected as America’s Best Beach in 2005 by Dr. Beach. From what I have read so far, there is a chance that these beaches will luck out and escape the tragic fate of being affected by the oil spill. At least for now. But some scientists are not as optimistic and have predicted a not-so-sunny future for the Florida coasts, and ergo, economy. Upon learning this, I am becoming grateful that, by coincidence, this may be the last time we have a chance to see the beaches in their pristine, gorgeous state before the looming disaster hits.

WTF Moment #9: Another disaster was not receiving the deserved attention due to the oil spill and other shenanigans (that will be reported later in this post): the flooding in Tennessee and Kentucky which has reportedly claimed 29 lives and put more than 1,000 people in emergency shelters.

WTF Moment #10: The bomb used in the Time Square Bomb Scare was made with no more than items found in random hardware stores or beauty supply shops based on instructions found easily on the Internet. New York Times published a lengthy article describing the contraption, complete with a shopping list for any wannabe copycat out there. But of course, nobody in this country would be crazy enough to want to copy this. So we are good.

WTF Moment #11: The Time Square Bomber “suspect” Faisal Shahzad had been put on the “Do Not Fly” list but still managed to board the Emirates flight.  Authorities are blaming Emirates Airlines for working with an outdated Do-Not-Fly list.

WTF Moment #12: Arizona. Where should I begin? Ugh.

On April 23, 2010, Arizona Governor Jan Brewer signed a bill that enacted the toughest and most stringent immigration law this country has ever seen in modern days. You know, after the Immigration Act of 1924 which included the National Origins Act and Asian Exclusion Act and most of what’s covered in the Immigration and Nationality Act of 1952 were abolished by the Immigration and Nationality Act of 1965. So yeah, we effectively walked backwards 45 years…

This law would make it a crime for immigrants to fail to carry immigration documents on them and give the police the authority to detain anyone they suspect to be in the country illegally.

Note to Self: When in Arizona, remember to NOT dressed like an FOB. And of course, to remember to carry my U.S. passport with me at all times.

WTF Moment #13: Arizona. I cannot even make this shit up. According to The Wall Street Journal, “The Arizona Department of Education recently began telling school districts that teachers whose spoken English it deems to be heavily accented or ungrammatical must be removed from classes for students still learning English.”

Ok. I agree that teachers without a command of correct grammars should not be teaching English. But how many people you know that are native English speakers ignore grammars when they speak? How often do you see native English speakers with higher education commit the “sudden death” (imo) mistake of using IT’S when they meant ITS?

And how about those accents sported by other native “English” speakers from the other parts of the world? The Irish. The Scottish. The Australian. Hack, I have a hard time understanding the British accent.

Here’s my proposal: Anybody that does not speak AMERICAN should not be allowed to teach in our schools. Period.

Oh. You say you don’t know how to define “the American accent”? You say you cannot understand the Bayou accent even though it is technically VERY AMERICAN?

Well. Fuck me.

I wish Arizona have simply come clean from the beginning and said what they have had on their mind all along, “Whose spoken English it deems to be heavily accented or ungrammatical and WHO HAPPENED TO BE BROWN.”

You know what? I am pretty darn sure they have no problem with Elin nee Nordegren Woods’ accent even if she sounded like the Swedish Chef.

WTF Moment #14: Arizone. Again. Triple win. Seriously. Give the other states a chance. South Carolina called. They are not too happy with the spotlight you have been getting lately. They want their hard-earned “Worst State” title awarded by Jon Stewart back!

The attack on ethnic studies.

According to a proposed bill, school will lose state funding if they have classes that “promote the overthrow of the U.S. government, promote resentment of a particular race or class of people, are designed primarily for students of a particular ethnic group or advocate ethnic solidarity instead of the treatment of pupils as individuals.”

Have you read the Classic English Literature Canon used in English 101? Leaf through it and let me know when you come across an author whose works have been included in Classic Lit that is was (well, according to the DEAD White male rule, they are all dead so the past tense is a given) NOT white. Go on. I’ll wait.

soundboard.com

Oh. What? You cannot find any. So one could argue that Classic English Lit canon can be construed as “designed primarily for students of a particular ethnic group”?

I guess I shouldn’t have behaved like an ungrateful immigrant. We really should be grateful that within the proposed bill, the teaching of the Holocaust or other cases of genocide will still be allowed. Oh my god. This is huge. Thank you so much! Until some closeted Holocaust denier becomes the next superintendent, that is.  So teach them while you still can, teachers!