$5000 a Bullet

Many of us have seen Chris Rock’s standup routine on gun control, or as he called it “Bullet Control”, either on YouTube or in the movie Bowling for Columbine.

In the wake of the shooting in Arizona, there is a heated discussion surrounding the fact that 1) the gunman fired off a large capacity magazine with 30 bullets within seconds and ended up killing 6 people and wounding 14 (He was subdued when he paused to reload), and 2) the federal law that would have banned assault weapons and gun magazines that can hold more than 10 bullets expired in 2004 because the congress failed to renew it.

It just seems so poignant right now. From the mouth of a comedian.

(The transcript of Chris Rock’s routine is after the jump in case you cannot watch the video because 1) your phone sucks like mine, 2) you are being productive)




And everybody’s talking about gun control. “Got to get rid of the guns.”

Fuck that. l like guns.

You got a gun, you don’t have to work out.

l ain’t working out. l ain’t jogging. You got pecs, l got Tecs.

Fuck that shit.

You don’t need no gun control.

You know what you need? We need some bullet control.

Man, we need to control the bullets, that’s right.

l think all bullets should cost 5000 dollars.

5000 dollars for a bullet. You know why?

‘Cause if a bullet costs 5000 dollars, there’d be no more innocent bystanders.

That’d be it.

Every time somebody gets shot, people will be like,

“Damn, he must have did something.”

“Shit, they put 50,000 dollars worth of bullets in his ass.”

And people would think before they killed somebody, if a bullet cost 5000 dollars.

“Man, l would blow your fucking head off, if l could afford it.”

“l’m gonna get me another job, l’m gonna start saving some money… and you’re a dead man.”

“You better hope l can’t get no bullets on layaway.”

So even if you get shot by a stray bullet, you won’t have to go to no doctor to get it taken out: whoever shot you would take their bullet back.

“l believe you got my property?!”



Article by Absence Alternatives

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{ 32 comments… add one }
  • A Vapid Blonde January 13, 2011, 2:34 pm

    I love that routine of his. And that is really all I can say about it.
    A Vapid Blonde´s last blog post…Milk

    • Absence Alternatives January 13, 2011, 4:20 pm

      I’ll just let Chris speak for us… He’s much funnier so hopefully he can get the point across easier.

  • Andrea January 13, 2011, 4:30 pm

    Love him. We just watched his documentary, “Good Hair.” It’s a must see.
    Andrea´s last blog post…Busted

    • Absence Alternatives January 14, 2011, 9:01 am

      Is it on DVD already? Or do you need the H the B the O to see it? Or I guess I can just YouTube it. Ha.

  • Jana @ Attitude Adjustment January 13, 2011, 7:19 pm

    I remember this well, and think about it often. It’s one of those situations in which you realize good comedy is a sign of genius.
    Jana @ Attitude Adjustment´s last blog post…The Making of a Blog

  • Jane January 13, 2011, 8:50 pm

    This is freaking hilarious! And sooooooo true!
    Jane´s last blog post…Wednesday’s Storm Has Far To Go

  • BigLittleWolf January 13, 2011, 9:18 pm

    Wow. Funny and horrible and poignant in the wake of what has happened. Thanks for posting this.
    BigLittleWolf´s last blog post…Squeezed

  • Jack January 14, 2011, 1:50 am

    Chris is a funny guy. Always liked him.
    Jack´s last blog post…Friday Morning Music- What We Read-Listened To

  • Lies January 14, 2011, 2:06 am

    I hadn’t seen it before – it makes you laugh out loud until you think about it further… very poignant indeed. We have a saying, don’t know if it has any equivalent in English: Jokingly, the fool tells the truth. I can only hope lessons will be learned from this.
    Lies´s last blog post…Music was my first love…

    • Absence Alternatives January 14, 2011, 8:55 am

      Great question! Reading enough Shakespeare will lead people to believe that court jesters are usually the wise ones. Not sure whether there is indeed an English equivalent. There is an “American” phrase that I learned from reading Al Franken, some Americans have heard it, some have not. “Kidding on the square”. It means you are kidding yet you are at the same time pointing out the fact.

  • writerwoman61 January 14, 2011, 7:06 am

    Thanks for sharing this, Lin! I haven’t seen it before either…he’s right on (almost said “bang-on” – yikes!)…

    writerwoman61´s last blog post…Welcome to Hammond River…

    • Absence Alternatives January 14, 2011, 8:58 am

      Thank you for letting me know. I am glad to know that this post contributed rather than just rehashed stuff that people already know. i.e. I do feel less like a lazy blogger now. 🙂

  • lifeintheboomerlane January 14, 2011, 8:43 am

    Chris Rock is God. Beyond Hilarious. Make this man a presidential advisor.
    lifeintheboomerlane´s last blog post…A Dialog With My 13 Year Old Self

  • pattypunker January 14, 2011, 9:45 am

    “you better hope i can’t get no bullets on layaway” makes me bust a gut everytime. and reminds of kmart and how weird it used to be when you could pick up a rifle when you were shopping for your kids toys, garden hose and lightbulbs.
    pattypunker´s last blog post…shot in the ass

    • Absence Alternatives January 14, 2011, 9:47 am

      “I’m gonna get me another job…” LMAO. The whole thing is laugh out loud funny so much that I spelled LOL out! 😉

  • Mountain Momma January 14, 2011, 6:54 pm

    Almost as good as Eddie Murphy’s ice-cream skit back in the day. I say, make the gun cost $100,000 too, and then we’ll see how many people are getting shot in this country

    • Absence Alternatives January 15, 2011, 12:20 am

      Aint that the truth! But as we all know, the real truth is that NRA is just too powerful…

      Thank you for visiting and commenting!!

  • MacDougal Street Baby January 15, 2011, 4:52 am

    Chris Rock rocks. He’s a genius with perspective and his delivery is mint. This clip is perfect for the times.

    • Absence Alternatives January 15, 2011, 1:43 pm

      I’ve never seen the word “Mint” used this way; I LOVE the image/feeling it conjures.

      p.s. I NEVER claim to be hip. So there. LOL

  • TechnoBabe January 15, 2011, 5:54 am

    He makes a good point in the video.
    TechnoBabe´s last blog post…The Little Old Lady I Am Destined To Become

    • Absence Alternatives January 15, 2011, 1:44 pm

      The best standup comedies make great social commentaries while making you laugh so hard you can’t breathe. 😉

  • Venom January 15, 2011, 2:43 pm

    I like that ‘bullets on layaway’.
    It’d be like buying a flat screen, only bloodier.
    Venom´s last blog post…You Are Not Qualified to Judge Me

    • Absence Alternatives January 15, 2011, 4:09 pm

      I wonder though whether now you could actually do it: Walmart carries firearms right? And they do offer layaway plans.

  • secret agent woman January 15, 2011, 2:59 pm

    I would totally support a tax that raised bullets to $5000 each.

    I saw a Chris Rock routine that had one of my all time favorite lines: “You’re either married and bored or single and lonely. There ain’t no happiness nowhere.” My kids didn’t understand why I was laughing so hard.
    secret agent woman´s last blog post…A little sun to give me hope

    • Absence Alternatives January 15, 2011, 4:10 pm

      Oh I love that line! It also makes me feel better to know that everybody else is just as miserable. LOL. 😉

  • linlah January 15, 2011, 6:25 pm

    Chris makes good points and that lay-away suggestion would be the waiting period.
    linlah´s last blog post…we eat heart healthy

    • Absence Alternatives January 15, 2011, 10:41 pm

      OMG. At first I read “Christ makes good points” But now come to think of it: Jesus Christ is all for anti-gun too, right? The whole turn your cheek thing…

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