This is a different reaction from my reading of the controversy surrounding Amy Chua’s WSJ article, “Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior?”
Yesterday, I said, Bring it on! The can of worms has been opened! Today, I will continue to clear this raging case of “Oh oh oh I have something to say Pick Me Pick Me” via pontificating on my blog.
Disclaimer needed, again: I am not agreeing with Chua’s parenting style. This is simply ONE of my reactions as all these conflicting thoughts racing through my brains…
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Like many, I felt great anxiety and anger when I was reading Chua’s article. But I get anxious easily when it comes to parenting. Heck, I felt like screaming when I watched a holiday video from a Chinese friend showing her kids playing piano AND violin at a recital, speaking fluent Chinese AND French. Again, not because I wished my kids were better but because that video, akin to a resume for the future “survival of the fittest” audition, raised my anxiety level over whether I am doing enough to prepare my children for their future. And you know what? I wish my friend were a Tiger Mom, so I could easily dismiss her accomplishment as a parent by thinking, “Well, but her kids are like robots, and she is cold and unemotional.” They are not, and she is not.
To parent like this (ok, sans the name calling, BUT I did call my kids dumbasses more than once when they were, well, being dumbasses), it takes a lot of dedication and efforts. I am too selfish to devote myself like that to my children. I cannot even spend an hour every day teaching my children Chinese. It really is easier to say, “To hell with it. Who needs to know Chinese anyway? [Ha!]” than to deal with all the crying and resisting. I WANT my children to like me. I don’t want to be the mean parent. My husband can be the bad cop. Me? I want to be the good cop.
I thank Amy Chua, not for the article since I knew all about “The Chinese Way of Parenting” and there was no surprise there, but for the 7000+ hateful comments and the public condemnations. They reassured me, “Hey, what I am doing or not doing is OK. She thinks she is so successful, and her children are so successful, and her family is so successful, but you know what? They are all zombies with no emotions. And the Americans, including the Chinese Americans, HATE her.” Hopefully when I go home this February, when my parents cannot communicate with my children because they do not speak English, when people ask me why my children cannot speak Chinese and how come so-and-so’s American grandchildren can not only speak but read and write fluent Chinese and why I did not beat their asses so they would learn Chinese against their will, when my brother asks for the Nth time whether it is ok if he gives my independent children a beating and I say “Of course not” and he relents with a sigh “Americans…”, I will feel less like a failure.
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As the kids and I hurried along Michigan Avenue in downtown Chicago this Sunday night in the freezing temperature, I spotted a mother bundled up with her two children on the sidewalk. There was a can in front of them with a few coins inside. She was trying to cover the little one’s head with a tiny scarf. My heart skipped a beat. I stopped to give her some money and quickly walked away. My oldest patted my arm as we walked further.
“It is freezing. Those kids must be freezing.” I said. “I don’t know why she’s sitting on the sidewalk in the cold. There are shelters. Doesn’t she know there are shelters?”
In an effort to comfort me, he said, “I heard a story about this guy who would go into the city every day and beg and then every night he comes home to a big house and car and everything.”
“Do you know why this story became so popular and everybody likes to talk about it?”
“Because it gives you the justification you need for not doing anything?”
“Exactly.”
I swear I thought the article was a joke. I thought she was being funny. Then when everyone seemed furious with logic and gentleness toward children I realized I’d missed something.
The fact that your son already has critical thinking skills beats the hell out of violin and Chinese any day of the week and twice on trips back home.
Hang tough. You’re the right kind of tiger: fierce about what’s important.
Naptimewriting recently posted…A life- simplified
This post started a whole series of back-and-forth emails in my family. It’s dangerous to generalize anything, based on one person’s experience. Yet, we are bombarded with articles about the high percentages of Asians in certain schools, specifically in the areas of math and science. So it’s easy for people to read something like this and see all Asian kids as little automotons. Right after this article came out, Ayelet Waldman (former attorney, now essayist and novelist and wife of Michael Chabon) wrote a rebuttal about being a Jewish mother and how her kids were free to be creative and dance with flowers on their heads to music they created. My take: With a gene pool like Chabon and Waldman, those kids are poised to be creative geniuses whether they go to school or not, dance or not, pick their noses or not. It has nothing to do with being Jewish. And on another note: I’ve switched hosts and I’m afraid people aren’t getting notices now of my new postings. But I’m working on it. Sigh.
Renee Fisher recently posted…8 months 176 bologna and cheese sandwiches
I thought about that too: with her “lineage” genetics played a part in it too.
I will email you about the “email by subscription” HTML.
Great post.
One thing I’d like to add. Nobody knows what happens behind closed doors. We can pontificate all we want about how others are raising their kids but, really, there’s no way to know what’s going on. Believe in your own way. Trust yourself. And then deal with the fallout.
Nicely put! It’s this “trusting ourselves” that is the difficult part in parenting.
Thank you for educating me and making me think.
Life with Kaishon recently posted…We say ‘I love you’ a lot
Thank you for reading! 🙂
Honestly, it infuriated me that everyone went all crazed bitch on her. Like her methods or don’t like her methods, it isn’t abuse, it is a different cultural view on parenting.
Granted, she put her views out in the public and opened the discussion, but seriously, when did we become so insanely intolerant of differences? Oh, nevermind, I remember now.
Anyway, I think you are a most marvelous mother. I don’t know how the boys will turn out. None of us ever do. I have decided whoever wrote the chapter in the book that reads you should know a person by the fruit of…….. was mistaken.
You know a person by the PERSON. If that person chose to have children, then maybe you can tell a little more about them by the amount of effort they put into their child/children. You, m’lady, put a massive amount of yourself, your heart, soul, mind, into making those boys fine young men. The rest will be on their father and them.
Wicked Shawn recently posted…Hellz Bellz- I’m a Year Old!
Thank you so much. This made me cry. Thank you for your unwavering support of me.
“The rest will be on their father and them.” This is what I needed to hear. xxoo
You can teach me Chinese if you want. It would definitely help with my dating life. 😉
alonewithcats recently posted…Excuse me- you’re standing on my neck
What would your GIRLFRIEND say about THAT? Huh? 🙂
Of course perfect. My point is each child is actually already who they are going to be, and it’s your only job to try to help them not be a murderer and IF they HAVE a NATURAL talent THEY LOVE then provide an outlet for it. If they love murdering then you must chain them in the shed. I am sorry but I do believe that a lot of what Amy said was very true, I also believe that parts of what others have said are true. But the precious snowflake mentality of american children is a tad ridiculous. Fun YES, fun in learning EVEN better, fun in life THE BEST, social interaction VITAL. But I don’t believe people should get awards for showing up. I also feel if no one fails then no one will strive to succeed even if it’s at something else.
“But I don’t believe people should get awards for showing up.” Raising my hand!!!!
And the thing about parenting that gets everyone going — no one really knows what the hell they’re doing. We don’t know what kind of a reach we truly have with our children. Research comes down on all sides, and all kids are different. It’s impossible to know until the parenting is all over, and when is that? I second guess everything I do with my kids. Yours do make me hopeful though, mama.
Andrea recently posted…The Cave
That’s it. In order to break the false illusion I need to introduce you to my kids SOON.
This whole thing caused such an upheaval and it was interesting to watch people weigh in from all sides. I think one of the things I feel the most insecure about is my parenting therefore I’m always fascinating to me to hear about how children are raised all around the world. Every culture is wildly different requiring different methods every place you go.
We have tons of diplomat friends who come in and are shocked at some of the ways we parent.
But on the same note I’ll tell you that their kids act in ways we wouldn’t permit in our house.
dufmanno recently posted…The Doubtful Analyst
See? That’s all we are looking for: someone to look “down” to. LOL. 😉
EXACTLY, indeed. Round Two just as well written as Round One. Love your reactions – they sum up my own, only far more humorously and intelligently than I could’ve managed myself.
Justine recently posted…Thumbs up to the writer of Why Chinese Mothers are Superior
Thank you for the moral support! So when the mob comes, you join me, right? 😉
what elly said! i wish i had a mom like you. i’d need a helluva lot less therapy.
pattypunker recently posted…shot in the ass
You should talk to my kids and find out otherwise. Seriously, I spent all day yesterday wondering whether I have been a two-face as far as they are concerned and that thought has been driving my nuts.
David Brooks waded in on this subject, too. I’m glad you wrote this– I was interested in what you thought.
Eat some Brazil nuts for that anxiety and carry on.
Mary Lee recently posted…Long May She Rerun!
Thanks. I am NOT done yet… *sigh*
*swoon* If I ever have kids I’m shipping them to you to raise. You’re doing a hell of a job, mamasita.
Elly Lou recently posted…I’m Never Buying Panties Again
But I plan to move in with you and Rocco!