.
The phone rang and I noticed the number was an unfamiliar one. Even the area code was one that I did not recognize.
“Hello. Hi. Let me introduce myself. I am So and So calling from blah blah blah…”
That’s all I heard since I pegged her as one of the telemarketers. I was more than a little bit peeved and was about to tell her off: she had made a telemarketing call to my work place. Absolutely not cool.
“So we have a bunch of private investors pouring xx million dollars into this new company…”
Ok. So great. Now this is a scam. “I get to blog about it!” I thought.
“We are looking for a VP of ________ . Are you interested in the position?”
I was about to say, “You must have mistaken me for someone else.” But I stopped myself.
Career Building 101. Never ever show lack of self-confidence or self-doubt. Never.
That meant I tried hard not to burst out laughing in the first five minutes because of the sheer ridiculousness of it. “You must be kidding me!”
As I listened to her spill, it suddenly dawned on me that SHE was trying to sell the position to ME.
Me.
I was in shock. Nay. My chest was closing in on me. My heart was pounding so hard I could not hear clearly what she was saying. I began to hyperventilating while trying to carry on a conversation while puffy messy goo swirled inside my head.
Goo of terror.
I was petrified. I had a full-on panic attack because just as suddenly it also dawned on me that THIS was the moment of truth. I had been called on.
It is one thing to be stuck in a job where you feel you are not being appreciated and utilized, where you feel you are not getting the promotions you deserve, where you feel your talents are being wasted. WHINE WHINE WHINE WHINE WHINE.
It is a completely different matter, I found out today, to be offered an opportunity and realize that you are not able to take it.
You are too chicken. You are not convinced that you are ready. You just want to be Grasshopper. Forever and ever. Less terrifying that way.
Who do I think I am? What do I think I will do showing up at this place trying to pretend that I can even interview for the position?
I started making up excuses that would not expose me as the fraud that I am. Hopefully.
Unrelated industry. The need to relocate. Not the 100% match of experiences. Oh and did I mention that the industry is completely absolutely totally different from the industry I have been in?
I started to shiver. I wanted to tell her, “You’ve got to be kidding me. You must be the worst executive recruiter I have ever heard if you even called me!”
My hands were shaking so hard and really I just wanted to end the phone call so I could lie prostrate, banging my head and arms on the floor. I was utterly, desperately, disappointed by myself.
The phone call called my bluff. I showed my hand and it was empty.
.
.
p.s. I don’t want to end my post on an alarmingly low note. I have issues. I know. I need therapy. But if I see one more so-called life coach follow me on Twitter, I will go berserk!
p.p.s. On an unrelated note, I will be getting a letter tomorrow, along with everybody else in the company, telling me whether I still have a job.
p.p.p.s. I am trying not to think of this phone call as a sign. A sign for what?! anyway. Or an omen.
p.p.p.p.s. Sorry for the sad vibes. Drinks on me!
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