From the category archives:

random

My 3 words? Surprisingly not W. T. F.

January 1, 2012

in random

Chris Brogan is at it again. Chris Brogan, who I really have no idea of, is apparently a very famous person on the Internet and the social media scene. Dude apparently is an inspiration to many, esp. with his annual New Year post “My 3 Words for 20XX”.

In 2011, his 3 words were: Reinvest. Package. Flow.

For 2012, his 3 words are (or will be?): Temple. Untangle. Practice.

Well, Mr. Brogan, I guess I have to thank you for inspiring the head honcho of my company to ask all of us to come up with 3 words to laser-focus our energy/ambition/breathing towards. Unfortunately, the fist thing that jumped into my mind was:

Move. That. Bus. 

And then I was stuck. I shook my fists at your well-defined cheek bones, Ty Pennington! The rest of my ideas were more like a plea for help from an insane asylum:

I do everything.
Like your mom.
Kill me now.
Let me out.
Set me free.
HELP ME PLEASE!

 

So I put out a call for help to some of my ladies and they, like Jimmy John’s, delivered, in more ways than one.

From Elly @ Bugginword:

Evangelize.  Inform.  Seduce.  Innovate.  Inspire.  Support is for bras, dudes.

Distract.  Disarm.  Destroy.

[Can we just describe you instead?]  Pure, undiluted possibility.  <— Seriously, with friends like this, who needs bras?!

How about “Social Media Whore,” Lin?  I mean whore in the nicest possible way.  Obviously.   <— She gets me. She really really gets me. 

 

From Wicked Shawn @ WIcked Girls Think It, Do You?

Wrangler of assholes.

Excite. Conquer. Devour.

Taker of souls.

Giver of (helping) Hand (jobs) “your choice”

 

From Kelly @ Dufmanno’s Blog:

Fight, win, destroy. [that would be mine]  —> Yes, Kelly, nobody would dare to doubt it. 

Astound, problem flatten, monarch in training.

Create, confound, excite. [I'm getting a great visual of you with flames shooting out of your eyes but you probably don't do that at work. Can you pretend you are a prehistoric warrior goddess with a battle axe because that just adds pages of job titles to your resume.]  —> Srly, I have the best ladies in the world ever. No bras! Woohoo!

Destroyer of enemies.

Thwarter of evil.

Creator of animal pelts…

 

From Sue @ Lagunatic:

Instigate. Resonate. Fascinate.

Can you submit “I like boobies” just to see what they say?  —> So. Fucking. Tempting. Unfortunately my family’s health insurance depends on my employment… 

 

From Vapid @ A Vapid Blonde:

Divide. Conquer. Unite. (or Untie, if they are hot)

Solver. Slayer. Soother.Rockstar Fire Fucker… (not sure they would like that one)

Personally my mission statement would be Cocktail Maker, ShakHER.

 

From Amanda @ Brilliant Sulk:

How about a fun, interesting seminar: Noose making 101

 

From Patty @ Patty Punker:

drop kick this (motherfucker)

my shit rips!

veritable meth lab

old like deniro (or pacino, you pick)

 

Then Elly (aka Ms. Bugginword) followed up with this email:

 Is anyone else craving INXS now?  Can you deliver your three words with a boom box, some posterboard, and a giant black marker?

 

Yes. Yes. Yes!  Remember these and the awesome music video?

Hallucinate
Desegregate
Mediate
Alleviate
Try not to hate

 

 

With my ladyfriends’ encouragement, support and blind faith, right now, sitting in my official corporate profile is my 3 word mission that says:

Desegregate. Mediate. Alleviate.

 

3 words 439x600 My 3 words? Surprisingly not W. T. F.

Tagged as: 3 words, Getting to know some of the most awesome people in the world is the biggest reward of blogging, Happy New Year for real!, imma crazy like that, mission statement, Strangers are just friends waiting to happen, This counts as the required new year's resolution post right because I cannot do that shit with a straight face

{ 41 comments }

Some of the Best Decisions I’ve Made

December 19, 2011

in random

1. Buying a duvet cover in DEEP RED rather than white like those nice glistening duvet covers in hotels

Around 1 am today, as I was wrapping up my work and was looking forward to hitting my head against that pillow, I heard my 9-year-old boy make a familiar sound. A sound from the past. A sound I have forgotten. A sound that makes every mother’s heart skip a beat while screaming “OMFG Not again?!” inside. I rushed upstairs and confirmed my worst fear.

He looked like this.

swamp thing Some of the Best Decisions Ive Made

The green plants covering his entire upper body, shoulders, back, neck and cheeks would be regurgitated broccoli.

And the green swamp would be my bed.

And like the Swamp Thing, Mr. Monk has left a trail of bits and pieces of his green self as he moved about.

2. Agreeing to settle for the fake, and cheaper, down comforter that The Husband found at an outlet. Can we all cheer for the words “machine wash” on the tag?

Broccoli. Mr. Monk had eaten a whole bowl of broccoli for dinner. And cupcakes with blue frosting. And chicken. I was able to remember the dinner menu while surveying the aftermath. It’s amazing how the frosting retained its neon blue color.

3. Deciding to leave the plastic cover over my bed long after the kids had stopped wetting the bed. Deep down I know it’s because I was too lazy to do anything about it. Laziness pays off sometimes, just remember to pass it off as being laid-back, or zen-ish.

Otherwise there would be no trash bag big enough to toss my memory foam bed into it the way I was forced to toss my memory foam pillow into a trash bag and sealed it with a hazardous material sticker.

4. Buying the Christmas Tree bedsheet set on massive sale from a website that is not Pottery Barn.

I followed my first instinct, crumpled up the bedsheet and tossed it into a trash bag. I am sitting here right now staring at it, trying to decide how awful it would be if I simply throw it away so I do not have to deal with the swamp within.

Since I only paid $20 for the fitted sheet, I now have the liberty to even ponder this. If it were one of those $300 Pottery Barn gilded* bedsheets, I’d be crying right now.

5. (The credit should go to The Husband for this one) Buying new washer and dryer for me even though I strongly dislike receiving appliances as gifts. Don’t try to kill two birds with one vacuum cleaner, just sayin’ man. You would not like to receive an iron, do you? But tonight? Hallelujah for FRONT LOADING, baby!**

Spinning 300x300 Some of the Best Decisions Ive Made

My 9-year-old. Before he turns into the Swamp Thing.

This is why instead of having my head firmly on my pillow, I am listening to Maroon 5 on Spotify while laundering the duvet cover, bed cover, comforter, towels and pillow cases in the comfort of my own home.

6. Starting my blog many moons ago.

Minor disasters and mishaps in life seem so much more tolerable, even humorous, now that I can see all of them as potential blogging fodders. “Oh, I am picking up regurgitated brocoli at 2 in the morning. How funny!” Standing from outside looking in. Everything seems hilarious as if I were watching a sitcom based on my own life.

 

So. This is my Monday morning. How has your Monday been so far?

 

* For the price they are asking for, I simply assume their sheets are gilded.

** Is it just me or does this somehow sound dirty to anybody else?

 

Tagged as: Hilarity ensues, i love my kids but i hate parenting, imma crazy like that, Sitcom based on my life, when life gives you lemons you turn them into a blog post about them lemons

{ 26 comments }

Tis the Season to be Jolly

December 11, 2011

in random

Tra la la la la la la la la.
Don we now our gay apparel
Fa la la la la la la la la.
 

Gay apparel as in holiday parties. Of course. Tis the season of office holiday parties where alliances are formed, enemies are made, and by the end of night, everybody is drunk enough to tell the person whom you absolutely hate when sober, “I love you. Seriously, man. You. are. the. best!”

New York Magazine is kind enough to give us a guide on “How Drunk Can You Get at Your Office Holiday Party” with a handy dandy notebook printable guide that you can tuck into your bra and bring with you. Better remember to check on it though while you are still sober enough to read it in the bathroom stall because any good office holiday party will not have adequate lighting for reading. Duh.

How drunk can you get at office party 430x600 Tis the Season to be Jolly

 

Cog in the machine, while suffers in silence the rest of the 364 days, gets to have the MOST FUN EVER at the office party. “I hate my job so much I don’t even fucking care any more.” That’s the attitude that will get you through the night!

 

I’ve told you that I get typecast all the time, right? Well, it happened again. A friend of mine Facebook-tagged me:

CHRISTMAS OFFICE PARTY– Use the first 10 people on your friends list. Don’t Cheat:

Running around topless singing Jingle Bells: 
Spiked the punch then drank most of it :
Dancing on the desk singing “Can’t Touch this”:
… Has Rolodex making prank calls:
Spinning around in office chair screaming:
Locked in the bathroom hugging the toilet:
Passed out under their desk:
Sitting on copier making Christmas cards:
Throwing fruitcake at people outside:
Playing spin the bottle with cleaning crew:

Guess where my name fell? Yup. The first one. I just don’t think it will ever happen because I cannot sing worth a damn.

Also? I just survived our mega office holiday party last week and I’ll have you know that I kept my clothes on the whole night. And I did not spill any drink. Woohoo! WIN!

The sad truth is I could not have gotten hammered even if I wanted to. The OPEN bar? Was not really open. They only served beer and wine. INCONCEIVABLE. ikr?! So the whole night I kept on going from the 5th floor to the bar at the hotel lobby to get my own drink on. Yes, my dear Internet, I paid for my own premium vodka at an office party with an open bar. I had four with a heavy pour and I woke up with NO hangover and NO headache whatsoever. Win? WIN!

Despite the open bar not being really open, I had a lot of fun at the party talking to random people, including coworkers whom I had never actually spoken to until that night and their wives, my boss, his wife, his boss, his boss’s wife, someone else’s bosses, someone else’s bosses’ wives, etc etc etc. Problem is? I kept on thinking, “The missis must be really really bored. Probably want to poke their eyes out with a fork if they have to face another forced conversation. Quick. Let me say something genuinely funny to amuse them.”

At one point, I offered one of the missis to beat up her husband for her. I guess I am not going to get a promotion, again.

I also told a coworker whom I had not really spoken to before until that night that I love his wife. Huh. I don’t think it was the beginning of a beautiful friendship between me and him…

 

But the BEST part of the night? I finally got a picture taken of me in which I do not have ginormous fat arms that look like they are about the size of my torso.

arm 168x300 Tis the Season to be Jolly

Finally. A picture of me with NO fat arms. Yeah! This goes to prove that lighting is everything.

This heavily cropped picture somehow focuses on the cruel fact “Where the fuck did my waist go?”  Oh hell. I will be happy with the NO fat arm for now. At least I am not making my friend look like she’s naked…

 

 

Tis the Season to be Jolly

It's that horrifying moment when your friend's "fat arm" makes you look naked...

 

p.s. Yes. YES! I confess. I wrote this post just so I could post this picture. You are welcome. And if you spill anything on your clothes, take them off, take a nekkid picture, send that and the dry cleaning bill to moi. xxoo

Tagged as: get my drink on, glove compartment is where vodka is kept, how not to behave at the office party well this is not what this post is about sorry, how to survive office party? with lots of alcohol of course you new here?, I do so celebrate Christmas, the office, working

{ 16 comments }

Overload…

November 23, 2011 random

Google announced Google Music (its answer to Apple iTune + Amazon Cloud) last week. I immediately started uploading all our music files to the massive google cloud. (It by the way took almost six days to finish). This plus my existing music drive in the Amazon cloud means that when the Apocalypse comes? I am all [...]

Tagged as: gadget envy, i forgot where i was going with this rambling or whether there was a point to begin with, imma crazy like that, isn't technology wonderful?

13 comments

These boots are made for…

October 19, 2011 random

When it comes to all these flash sale websites, I am a marketer’s dream girl. I think I give people in advertising like Don Draper wet dreams. I click on every email that MyHabit.com and Gilt.com sends me every day. This undying support for people like Don Draper + the promise of free shipping and [...]

Tagged as: dedicated follower of fashion, imma crazy like that, these boots are made for walking, things most likely only i find amusing

36 comments

Fall

September 17, 2011 random

Pumpkin spice latte is back! I am not ashamed to admit that every year I look forward to the arrival of fall because of this. You have heard this a million and one times, I am sure. But fall really is my favorite season. Despite the annoying process of reorganizing my clothes and shoes according [...]

Tagged as: "Incongruity Detected", FAIL, Gravity Is A Harsh Mistress, guilt is the trip mothers take often, i forgot where i was going with this rambling or whether there was a point to begin with, mother of the year, raindrops on roses

16 comments

Body and Soul. I want to break free.

September 17, 2011 random

My favorite album of all time is A Night at the Opera by Queen. On some days I would simply listen to the whole album over and over again when I am driving. Volume turned way high. Windows down. (And yes, it helps me imagine myself as a badass. Why?) On some nights, I prowl through [...]

Tagged as: Amy Winehouse, Freddie Mercury, i can't sleep, i forgot where i was going with this rambling or whether there was a point to begin with, loss, Love of My Life, people i wish were still alive, Queen, what keeps me awake

16 comments

A Reason as Good as Any

August 1, 2011 no manual for parenting

Conversations that happened yesterday… (Proving that thank goodness I work fulltime so I don’t spend too much time talking to my kids…)   [On the way to lunch] 13-year-old: My friend is jealous. He thinks we have the coolest license plate ever! [Be rest assured: It is dorky.] 8-year-old: Oh, mom, we should keep this [...]

Tagged as: my youngest, things kids say, things most likely only i find amusing

15 comments

Porn for Women

July 31, 2011 random

You can say that I have given up on attracting more male readers… Since I am of the Drastic Measure type of bitches: It is All or Nothing to me, I have decided to actively repel men*, esp. the straight kind. Let’s go all the way, baby!   This is a real book. The Cambridge [...]

Tagged as: Chore charts are not just for kids, funny haha, funny scary, Porn for Women, sarcastic bitches rock, what is good for the goose is good for the gander

24 comments

Just sit down and relax, honey.

July 30, 2011 random

I heard this study that was published this May on the radio today. The headline is: Men relax best when wives are doing housework chores!   My first question was: How is it possible that I did not hear about this until now?! Is the Universe conspiring to keep this earth-shattering news from me? You [...]

Tagged as: Chore charts are not just for kids, Married men are happier according to statistics, pardon me while i clean the house, sarcastic bitches rock, seriously?

10 comments

← Previous Entries

i tweet too much