“How to Be Alone”

51 Replies

I was going to write something about BlogHer… But my besties that I have had the good fortune to meet and grope in magical New York City have all done a much better job than I could have, esp. since after three days, I am still pissing and sweating vodka… So if you haven’t been bored to death by the blah blogher blah blah are curious about what went down (PUN FULLY INTENDED) last weekend, go read about Buggin Words’ No-Pot-Needed Hallucination, Brilliant Sulk’s brilliant musing on the vaginas and vodkas she’s consumed, Patty Punker’s suggestion for an alternative FuckIt10 that we have all signed up and are seeking attendee registrations, Dufmanno’s encounter with a naked cowboy which was not the most skin she saw last weekend, For the Birds’ restrained song that is really not about you, and yes, Vapid, I am drumming my fingers waiting for your BlogHer report here… Pull yourself together, woman! Stay away from the Dish even though I know you’ve missed him and the Python (Dear Soren Lorensons, this is surprisingly not what you think, you perverts!) terribly.

ETA: The blonde vampiress came through with poetry in motion…

Instead, Serendipity! I came across this video/poem today.

“How to Be Alone”

It is the perfect remedy we need in order to recover from the highs and lows after fighting through our fears of opening ourselves up and meeting strangers. The powerful reminder to combat that gnawing insecurity, that tiny voice, that propels you to down five shots of vodka within the first 30 minutes of setting your foot in a party so that you can be the Dancing Queen that you dream of being. The talisman to arm ourselves with next time we attend any social occasion when ironically we often inadvertently feel so alone within the crowd.

Watch this.

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I came across this beautifully written and performed poem through It Is Monday… Thinking Moment. The filmmaker is Andrea Dorfman, and the simple yet profound words were written and performed by Tanya Davis.

I cannot help but reprint the entire poem here just so I can read the words, slowly, hoping to absorb them into my being, to have them become part of the fiber of my soul.

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How to Be Alone

by Tanya Davis

If you are at first lonely, be patient.

If you’ve not been alone much, or if when you were, you weren’t okay with it, then just wait. You’ll find it’s fine to be alone once you’re embracing it.

We could start with the acceptable places, the bathroom, the coffee shop, the library. Where you can stall and read the paper, where you can get your caffeine fix and sit and stay there. Where you can browse the stacks and smell the books. You’re not supposed to talk much anyway so it’s safe there.

There’s also the gym. If you’re shy you could hang out with yourself in mirrors, you could put headphones in.

And there’s public transportation, because we all gotta go places.

And there’s prayer and meditation. No one will think less if you’re hanging with your breath seeking peace and salvation.

Start simple. Things you may have previously based on your avoid being alone principals.

The lunch counter. Where you will be surrounded by chow-downers. Employees who only have an hour and their spouses work across town and so they — like you — will be alone.

Resist the urge to hang out with your cell phone.

When you are comfortable with eat lunch and run, take yourself out for dinner. A restaurant with linen and silverware. You’re no less intriguing a person when you’re eating solo dessert to cleaning the whipped cream from the dish with your finger. In fact some people at full tables will wish they were where you were.

Go to the movies. Where it is dark and soothing. Alone in your seat amidst a fleeting community.

And then, take yourself out dancing to a club where no one knows you. Stand on the outside of the floor till the lights convince you more and more and the music shows you. Dance like no one’s watching…because, they’re probably not.

And, if they are, assume it is with best of human intentions. The way bodies move genuinely to beats is, after all, gorgeous and affecting. Dance until you’re sweating, and beads of perspiration remind you of life’s best things, down your back like a brook of blessings.

Go to the woods alone, and the trees and squirrels will watch for you.

Go to an unfamiliar city, roam the streets, they are always statues to talk to, and benches made for sitting gives strangers a shared existence if only for a minute, and these moments can be so uplifting and the conversation you get in by sitting alone on benches, might of never happened had you not been there by yourself.

Society is afraid of alone though. Like lonely hearts are wasting away in basements. Like people must have problems if after awhile nobody is dating them.

But lonely is a freedom that breaths easy and weightless, and lonely is healing if you make it.

You can stand swaffed by groups and mobs or hands with your partner, look both further and farther in the endless quest for company.

But no one is in your head. And by the time you translate your thoughts an essence of them maybe lost or perhaps it is just kept. Perhaps in the interest of loving oneself, perhaps all those sappy slogans from pre-school over to high school groaning, we’re tokens for holding the lonely at bay.

Cause if you’re happy in your head, then solitude is blessed, and alone is okay.

It’s okay if no one believes like you, all experiences unique, no one has the same synapses, can’t think like you, for this be relived, keeps things interesting, life’s magic brings much, and it doesn’t mean you aren’t connected, and the community is not present, just take the perspective you get from being one person in one head and feel the effects of it.

Take silence and respect it.

If you have an art that needs a practice, stop neglecting it, if your family doesn’t get you or a religious sect is not meant for you, don’t obsess about it.

You could be in an instant surrounded if you need it.

If your heart is bleeding, make the best of it.

There is heat in freezing, be a testament.

51 thoughts on ““How to Be Alone””

  1. Nance

    Great time to go see Eat Pray Love and watch Julia Roberts try to be alone onscreen with about a blue zillion of us watching her. She does the same thing I do; she reads. That makes me just like Julia Roberts, right?

    p.s. I’m curious if you read the book, saw the movie, and what you thought.
    Nance recently posted…Bad JuJu Begone-Make Your Own Luck- Tall LadyMy Profile

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  2. Ry Sal

    This comment is for both this entry and “Fallen From The Sky”… I am right there with you. I’m in the middle of a huge crash after last week… the lead up to, then the OMG this is happening, to having to leave you guys to go back to my ‘real’ life in-between… then to say goodbye, wanting more. And then back to normal… so fast… but knowing that what just happened was not only a huge step for someone usually recluse, but could have possibly been the beginning of so many great things.

    In other words… don’t judge me, I’m as vulnerable as a drunk butterfly this week.

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    1. Ry Sal

      PS — I entered the last comment with the wrong email address… so I hope you still get it… let me know if not! xoxo Ry

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    1. Absence Alternatives Post author

      Shut up! You enjoy being alone once in a while, I am sure. *wink wink*

      Somehow the title “I ride a bike” makes me burst out laughing. Thanks for being funny when you don’t intend to… 😉

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  5. Kate

    Powerful, delicious words. When I was little, I would swing alone, singing to myself about the day, settling my own thoughts. I lost the joy if alone for a while. Now, I adore the silence and stillness when my thoughts can be my own, undisturbed, untranslated.
    Thank you for this!

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  8. Stacia

    This is the line that got me: “If you’re happy in your head, then solitude is blessed, and alone is okay.” I love being alone, perhaps because I’m an only child. It’s turning up the “extrovert” part of my personality that is always a challenge. Maybe, next, you could do a post on “How to Be with People”?? (I hear vodka helps … )

    (Visiting from Justine’s. Pleased to “meet” you!)
    Stacia recently posted…Guess Who’s Coming to DinnerMy Profile

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    1. Absence Alternatives Post author

      Thank you very much for visiting and commenting. “How to be with people” You know, that sounds like a topic for me to run my mouth on! Yes, one of them will be vodka. The other one will be your own theme song. Thanks!!

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    1. Absence Alternatives Post author

      You are one of the strongest women I’ve the good fortune to meet on the Interweb. I know now.

      “If we give ourselves time to be alone we can get to know ourselves and begin the work to heal.” I love this.

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  15. Wicked Shawn

    I need names…….the assasinations will begin immediately!!! Who knew there were asshat bloggers? Oh wait, yeah, we all did. Definitely their loss! I repeat…..THEIR LOSS….you are one of the most incredible people I didn’t get to meet. 🙁 I know this because everyone else I didn’t get to meet has promised me it is true. 😉
    Wicked Shawn recently posted…Choreplay……Everybody LosesMy Profile

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    1. Absence Alternatives Post author

      M’lady, the popping sound you just heard? Was from when my head got so big and then exploded because of all the nice rumors you guys keep on making up about me. Be still my heart. I want to go back to high school with you.

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  16. Brilliant Sulk

    I spend a lot of time alone. Couldn’t you tell? What gave it away? The dust bunnies in my hair, my need to be in a darkened room 24/7 or my ripped underwear?

    Wait. You didn’t see my underwear did you?

    You’re the best by the way and to hell with whoever made you feel awkward.
    Brilliant Sulk recently posted…Vaginas and VodkaMy Profile

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    2. dufmanno

      I told you already that the Sheraton is flying the undergarments you left behind on their flagpole in honor of a good time. That particular pair has no holes.
      Be glad you never had the full reveal when you were wearing “granny panties”
      I once had my pants split wide open from crotch to ass top exposing blue and white flowered 1920’s bloomers. It did nothing for my reputation.
      dufmanno recently posted…Hello- I Love You- Won’t You Tell Me Your NameMy Profile

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  17. pattypunker

    i always have doubts, but now i have you. and that makes me smile and feel less afraid of myself and my usual moments of quiet, shame and paranoia. i love you so hard.
    pattypunker recently posted…fuckit10My Profile

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    1. Absence Alternatives Post author

      You love me so hard? Me lurv you lllllooonnnnggggg time.

      (No. That joke will never get too old… as long as I stay Asian and as long as there are stupid ppl out there who take stereotypes as reality… LOL)

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  18. A Vapid Blonde

    I am now consuming vodka again. I pissed mine all out on Sunday. And I just can’t wrap my head around what happened this weekend. It all made me feel happy and YAY! Seriously I have all my lovely gifts spread out on the dining room table.

    I love the poem and can totally relate!

    I actually have really relished my times when I am ‘alone’
    A Vapid Blonde recently posted…Blogher and My Gay German RefrigeratorMy Profile

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    1. Absence Alternatives Post author

      Good metabolism, I say! Posting this vid/poem is by no means my way of saying I did not have the time of my life with you ladies. But, call me a glutton for punishment, I cannot help but be bothered by the very few who made me feel… AWKWARD by being less than kind…

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    1. Absence Alternatives Post author

      I hope you are ok. I hope nobody snubbed you or made you feel small (you know, the bad kind of small…) because otherwise I’d hate myself for not connecting with you so I could stab those people for you.

      Reply ↓

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