Old Rules. They just need to be said again.

I don’t have any new rules to share with the world like Bill Maher and his team of writers. What I have though is a list of OLD rules that I just want to humbly scream out loud into the abyss of the Internet.

  • Old rule: Don’t say that you do your own laundry if you do NOT fold the clothes. Throwing in the dirty laundry into the washer and then moving the clothes from the washer into the dryer is like you accidentally getting a girl pregnant in the back of a Chevy. The real work is in carrying the baby to term and giving birth.
  • Old rule: It does not count as doing the dishes if all you do is rinsing the dishes and stacking them on the kitchen counter.
  • Old rule: Please stop telling people you enjoy cooking. Try cleaning up the kitchen next time and we will discuss how much you still like cooking afterwards.
  • Old rule: Turning on the turn signal AS you are making the turn is the same as NOT using the turn signal, and it makes you a law-breaking d-bag.
  • Old rule: If you drive a sporty car, DRIVE it like a sporty car. Don’t go under the speed limit. It is not Cruise Night. Listen. Your car is crying.
  • Old rule: Just because you can see me, it does not mean I can see you. You can see me because I am driving in a car with its headlights on; I cannot see you because you are effing riding a bike wearing dark clothing at night.
  • Old rule: Just because you can see me, does not mean I can see you. You can see me because your back is towards the sun; I cannot see you because I am driving dead west at five o’clock and the sun is attacking my eyes with its giant laser beams.
  • Old rule: Adding a smilie face at the end of your curt email only highlights the passive aggressiveness of it.
  • Old rule: If you don’t know the back story, don’t tell someone, “Don’t be a bitch.”
  • Old rule: You ask me to have coffee and catch up. Please refrain from scanning the room the whole time seeing who else comes and goes. I don’t know about you, but the whole networking approach taught in B school is really getting on my nerves. You’ve climbed far, more power to you. Next time, please feel free to fail to contact me. It will save us both time.
  • Old rule: It is extremely rude to make that “hurry up” gesture when someone is talking no matter how long that person has been droning on.
  • Old rule: Be nice to people who do not matter, e.g. servers, doormen, delivery people. Your true character shall be judged on this.
  • Old rule: It makes you an asshat if you do not hold the door open for the next person if they are within “the courtesy zone”.

 

Whenever I find myself in the awkward zone, I hurry up so I could get into the courtesy zone asap

 

  • Old rule: When you find yourself in the awkward zone, DO hurry up so the person that’s holding the door for you can 1. stop feeling awkward, 2. move on with their life. He’s not your doorman. You are not god’s gift to men. And for goodness sake, thank them!
  • Old rule: When someone says “Thank you”, the proper response is “You are welcome” and not “uh huh”. It makes you sound bitter.
  • Old rule: Use Please. Thank you. Excuse me. It is really that simple.

 

I know there are a lot more. It’s 4 am. Old rule: Stop telling people what time it is when you are banging out gibberish on your keyboard. Just go to bed already. Anyhoo, would LOVE it if y’all wouldn’t mind adding your own in the comment section.

38 thoughts on “Old Rules. They just need to be said again.

  1. alonewithcats

    I’m awesome at doing laundry, and then folding it into a basket, and then letting my cats sit on top of it until a week later when I’m ready to do laundry again, only to find that my previously clean clothes now have been smushed and wrinkled by 25 pounds of cats.

    Old rule: If you are 23 years old, have recently graduated college and now work in an accounting firm where you wear a suit and tie each day and make more money than your sister who is nine years older, move the fuck out of your parents’ house. You are slowly killing them with your leechiness. (This is definitely not about my brother. Not at all.)
    alonewithcats recently posted…Jenny Lawson’s book, I AM IN YOUMy Profile

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  2. naptimewriting

    Old rule: you did not do the dishes if you left the pots, pans, counters, and sink unwashed. You *started* the dishes.

    Old rule: do not tell a pregnant woman that she looks a)small, b)ready any day now, c)tired, or d)in need of advice. Move along, people. Move along.

    Old rule: wash your hands after you use the bathroom. Don’t care where you work…germs are germs.

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  3. Merrilymarylee

    Oh Wise Woman, I am awed by your pithiness!

    How ’bout a rule that says Don’t sit in the inside lane and wait until the traffic light changes to turn on your left turn signal so that the line of cars behind you–all planning to go straight–has to sit through another light cycle. Wasn’t there one of those? A turn signal bulb isn’t that pricey.
    Merrilymarylee recently posted…StonedMy Profile

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  4. Justine

    Oh you have so many good ones!

    Old rule: When it’s a four-way stop, go when it’s your turn. Don’t try to be polite and wave others who came after you to move first. That just fucks up the system, and sometimes it can endanger others who’re not in on your “politeness”.

    Old rule: Just because you’re a pedestrian doesn’t mean you have the right of way everywhere you are. When it’s not a crosswalk, you don’t get to just stroll across traffic and expect all cars to yield to you.

    Old rule: I don’t care if there are 20 inches of snow and you removed all of it yourself. This is still public street parking, and you don’t get to put that couch on there to save your spot. You want a spot? Pay for one. Or go live in the suburbs (no offense)…

    Rant over. As you can tell, stupid/inconsiderate drivers/pedestrians are one of my biggest pet peeves. It’s no wonder I turn into a sailor when I’m in the car. Also explains the only two times my daughter’s ever repeated a cuss word was when she was with me. In the car.
    Justine recently posted…The village peopleMy Profile

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  5. Secret Agent Woman

    Old rule: If you have your kids on your own for a weekend while your husband is out of town on a golf trip, don’t tell a real single mother how difficult life is as a single mother.

    Is it okay when people say “Thank you” if I respond “Sure thing!”? Because I live in the South.

    And hey! I suddenly wondered where the hell you were, and went back to my old reader. When I tried to transfer it over, it will only list posts from October of 2011. Don’t know why, but I have you bookmarked now.

    Reply
    1. Absence Alternatives Post author

      I think a Southern accent, at least for me, makes you sound instantly warm and friendly. I bumped into a woman in the office the other day (mind you, my office is overrun with 20/30 year old thin, good-looking, cosmopolitan women), and she said, “Y’r al’right sugar.” I almost said, “I love you. Can I be your friend?”

      Reply
  6. Barnmaven

    1. Holding down the fort while your wife goes on a girl’s weekend is NOT the same as holding down the fort while you are gone for three months on the jobs. Please don’t compare the two.

    2. Ordering pizza for dinner is not the same as cooking dinner for. You may expect my gratitude for not needing to be responsible for a meal but please don’t expect me to praise your industriousness.

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  7. Heather

    When apologizing to me, if you say “I’m sorry”, those words mean nothing. How many times do we hear it or a form of it? I ran into you with my cart, Sorry. Sounds impersonal and fake. I always try to say “I apologize for …” It makes it sound more sincere. Just a personal pet peeve I guess.

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  8. Vee

    Actually, I’d rewrite that rule about the awkward zone: don’t stand there and hold the door for someone who in the Awkward zone. It makes them feel obligated to sprint to the courtesy zone, and the thanks they offer you will be begrudging.

    Here’s another one: When obliged to ride standing in a public transit vehicle, please remove your backpack/huge purse and put it at your feet. No one wants your stuff in his face.
    Vee recently posted…BlurghMy Profile

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    1. Absence Alternatives Post author

      I agree with #1. Though grateful, I often wish the person holding the door would just leave. It’s an awkward dance. When are we going to have force field instead?! THAT would solve THIS problem.

      Reply
  9. do2na

    Old rule: While driving, the person behind you might not be the a-hole, it could be you. If you see a long line of cars behind you and no one in front, you are in the wrong lane. Slower traffic should always move right. Period. Even if you think you are going the speed limit.
    do2na recently posted…DumbfoundedMy Profile

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