There is no other way around it: I am a hypocrite.
Isn’t it an ironic coincidence that after my holier-than-thou tirade against bullying and my immagonnakickyourpunkass battle cry, my 12-year-old son told me tonight that he has been called all sorts of names at school?
Names such as gay, nerd, retard. Hurled at him, in passing, on a daily basis.
And the worst perpetrator is the 13 year old son from a family we know (whose youngest child does the same extracurricular activity as my son and therefore we see and hang out with them very often).
As soon as I heard this, all the blood rushed to my head: I could see the Samurai sword in my bedroom and I could see, in my mind’s eye, me wearing a bandanna that says VENGEANCE, going over there right now to kick that little shithead’s ass. The visualization was so vivid my fingers curled around the imaginary sword in my hand and I felt my legs twitch as I kicked the door down.
Of course I did no such thing.
.
Not able to coax more details out of my son, I did the only thing I could do: I went to his Facebook account and changed the setting so the little fuckhead and his mother could not see my son’s wall posts any more since, as you probably guessed, unfriend the little fucking curd is probably going to addle him more.
Finally after I put the little one to bed, I had some quiet time with my 7th grader before he went to bed. I pretended to be calm (not very successfully since I mentioned samurai sword and kick ass and something about moving to Taiwan) and asked him more about what really goes on at school.
Son: Mom. You are over-reacting again! I am not going to tell you anything any more!
Me: Ok ok. I promise I won’t do anything crazy. I just need to get it out inside the house now so I can remain calm about this. I just want to know that you are ok.
Son: You are so lucky that I talk to you! Most kids don’t tell their parents these things…
Me: OK. I promise I will not do anything without asking you first. I will not even tell Miss _________ about [FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT]. I just want to know more and make sure that you are doing ok…
Son: I probably exaggerated a bit. I am not bullied, I guess. People just call me names… like gay, retard, nerd. [Fucking piece of shit] calls me gay all the time.
Me: (Taking a deep breath) Does it bother you?
Son: Nah… Well, it kind of bothers me because I don’t like it when people use those words. When my friends say ‘gay’ or ‘retard’ I tell them to not swear and they say, “What? I am not swearing! I just say retard!” Ugh.
Me: (Taking a really deep breath) Do they single you out? Or do they do it to the other kids?
Son: It’s what the cool kids do. In order to look cool, you have to casually swear all the time, call people gay and retard all the time, and talk about sex non-stop.
Me: (Thinking to myself WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?! Taking a really really deep breath, and slowly) Ok. So… these kids. They call you names if you cross path. But if you stay away from them, do they seek you out to pick on you? (Wistfully) They don’t bother you right? Right?
Son: Not really… I just feel that they do it to me more. They call me nerd all the time.
Me: Does this make you not want to go to school? Are there other “non-cool” kids that you can hang out with?
Son: (Exasperated) Mom! I have a lot of friends at school! And they think I am cool. But even they call me a nerd. Well, because I am a nerd.
Me: (Exasperated. Hey, I am not Perfect & Wise Mom!) Why do you have to label yourself like this? [Yes, then I launched into a tirade against anti-intellectualism in this country and the stupidity of all this. ALL THIS! Probably did not help. I did say I am not Perfect & Wise Mom…]”
Son: It is kind of annoying that people think I am a nerd. I know Kung Fu very well and I can do a back flip, and I am probably stronger than a lot of them.
Me: Honey, I am not saying this because I am your mother, but I really really think that people are just jealous. I want to let you know that if somebody touches you, you have my permission to, wait, I’d better check with dad before I give you the permission…
Son: We are told this rule at school: If you are punched, cover your face. You are allowed to shove the person back but you are not allowed to make a fist and punch back. [Chuckles] I can probably shove the person back all the way to the locker.
Me: I just want you to know that we will not be mad at you for defending yourself. I also want to let you know that, although your friends seem to know better than to use ‘gay’ or ‘fag’ in front of grownups, if I hear them using these words, I will call them out on it.
Son: Just make sure you don’t do it to someone who can beat me up! Can I go to bed now?
.
.
I am not sure what I should/could do. I am still in shock while at the same time feeling embarrassed by my naiveté for being shocked at all.
I did not grow up here. I did not experience anything like this: Not name calling. Not having words unapproved by adults hurled at you. To this day I cannot curse in Chinese; that’s how effective cultural and social conditioning combined with physical punishment, or simply the threat of it, is in disciplining children. And behold: Surprise surprise! All the news about bullying did not prepare me for when it actually happened to my own child. Obviously I had no idea what the fuck I was talking about when I was running my mouth. Please accept my sincere apology.
In all honesty, what my son is living with now is mild compared to some of the horror stories we have heard. But it still hurts. It hurts so much. My son is a part of me. When he is hurting, my heart hurts too. I can actually feel the pain inside my chest. It is already rousing all the primal maternal instincts I have. “You mess with my family? You mess with me.” And I’ve already had to calm myself the fuck down.
I cannot imagine having to deal with full-blown bullying as a parent. I cannot imagine having to deal with it as a child.
Deep down, I am wondering whether name calling truly is a lot more sinister: The school district does have a Zero Tolerance policy but only if there is physical contact. (And I am not going to spell out what is going through my mind right now. It suffices to say, IF they touch my son, it is open season). For words, mere words, there is nothing you can do about it, realistically. What’s the school going to do? There is no proof. And even if there is, what kind of punishment is the school going to dole out? Telling them to not do it again? “Be nice!” Slap the kids’ hands?
Hardy har har. Big fucking deal.
HOW FUCKING STUPID IS THIS?!
.
.
I suck. I seriously do. Full of hot air. Nothing more. It’s been only one night, and I am ready to strike a bargain with the devil to make all this magically go away.
Why didn’t anybody tell me how awful it is going to be? Perhaps someone should have included this in the book “What to Expect When You Have Children”: Prepared to feel murderous rage against other teens but of course you cannot act on it and to feel the primordial urge to protect your young no matter what but of course you cannot do so when they are in school.
If I had known bringing up children in the United States of America means watching them being called names and not being able to do a fucking damned thing about it, I would not have married an American.
If I had known bringing up children means you have to sit and watch their innocence being stripped away bit by bit at the school yard where they are supposed to be fucking safe and protected, I would have hesitated.
I am most likely blowing everything up out of proportion. But this is how I feel right now.
Thank you all so much again for the support and advice! I take all your words to heart. Thank you!
I don’t think you’re overreacting. This pain, which would be worse if the abuse was physical, is still my biggest fear about parenting. I remember how awful middle school and high school were. And I am terrified that I can’t protect my children. Or other children from what others, heaven forbid mine, do to them just to feel they have some power.
Secret pain, pain tolerated to fit in, pain I can’t assuage.
Ow.
Naptimewriting recently posted…Center of the Universe
When I was little I got bullied a lot because I was fat ( still am, but since I have boobs now it doesn’t matter anymore I guess), these kids I think do it to protect themselves from being bullied, so they attack other kids. The only problem I think you have to really take into account is that this might ruin your child’s confidence, however after I read your post I conclude that your son has a very brave heart and is maybe wiser beyond his years. Hopefully this will remain the case and these bullies will in turn make him stronger than defeat him. I think what you should do is focus on him rather than on the kids who bully him-you can not make them stop-. but I’m no mom, for all I know if I was you I’d kick those bastards ass;)
Wow! I’m impressed with how calm and rational you are. I would have started WW3 in the neighborhood. Heck, I don’t even know your son and I want to kick the other kid’s ass.
Probably good I stopped at having a cat.
When I worked for the PD, a friend called me to tell me about this neighbor/friend guy who had grabbed her son’s genitals, in a physically aggressive and “punishing” manner. She wasn’t concerned for her son!!! – she thought the guy was an alcoholic and could I get him help?! I said, “yeah, sure I’ll help him”, and filed a report with special crimes unit against him for sexual assault. The mother was mad at me! They took care of the a$$hole, made him stay away from the kid. The @%@#& mother calls me up a few months later and wants to know if her kid can go back and swim over at the pedophile’s pool! I can’t speak to her anymore or I’d have to kick her a$$.
Kernut the Blond recently posted…I Break Out in Handcuffs When I Drink Alcohol
I’m happy for you that he’s willing to talk about it, some kids don’t have a great support system at home. You rock and so does your son.
linlah recently posted…all that glitters is not gold
We moved to the South from Alaska when my son started middle school. His Tormentor-in-Chief turned out to be the next door neighbor, who made himself the middle man between my son and all the other neighborhood kids. When my son would come home in misery, I would want to go rip the kid’s head off and ram it up his butt. What I did do was forbid my son from going next door. A week later, he’d be asking to have Tormentor come for a weekend sleepover. This sort of thing went on for three years, before my son finally got as big and bigger than the TIC.
When my son, age 30, got married this past spring, TIC was invited (they had long-since parted ways, post high-school). TIC was a loser and knew it. I was proud of my son for being so kind to him. Not all stories turn out this well, but not all stories make the front pages, either.
Great job, Mom!!! You handled it like a pro!
Nance recently posted…Chasing Bubbles With A Butterfly Net
Awe! I am so glad I found you through my funny friend Amanda (Brilliant Sulk) – I have written a few posts lately about the shittiness (a word?) of bullying…. In fact I have written quite few pieces over the past couple years. . It is a pasion of mine. I have been through it all , and it is usually the shitty adults that disappoint me most. Mean girls, bullies, eck.
Oddly I have a gay 20 year old son who is the coolest of cool but know he suffered a time or two at the hands of idiots but not anything like the news of late. I on the other hand was just the subject of a nasty cruel rant on facebook by two teenagers that I work with and it was really painful. I , as a grown woman, have the knowledge that for the most part the universe takes care of these creeps but a kid does not know that . Thats how we lose the precious souls. They don’t know it will get better. It does.
I HATE mean spirited stuff with a passion. There is nothing harder than seeing your kid hurt.
It sucks and you do want to kill. When kid number four comes home from first grade and says nobody would play with her, I want to die. I know that it isn’t true but you feel something primal rise up.
It will get better and you are a rad Mom with a rad kid:)
Lovely Bit of truth telling you have here,
Love
Laurel
Wow.
Let me say that again. Wow.
(This was a great read, though I could feel my blood pressure rising as I was reading…)
Kids are mean to each other. Not all kids. But many. And plenty of them grow up to be mean adults, or passive-aggressive, or verbally manipulative if not outright abusive. Which doesn’t make any of this right or acceptable. Only far too widespread.
And words hurt. But what makes this worse is that these particular words should never be interpreted as insults and hurled by kids or adults. Cruel. Thoughtless. Inappropriate.
Sometimes being a kid sucks. Often, parenting sucks. And we keep wishing we could do more, or better, or something so our kids wouldn’t go through anything that puts them down, or shows them that sort of behavior as something acceptable.
Yes, be glad your son talks to you. And yes, YOU GO, MAMA!! (Anyone threatens my kids – even though they’re 8″ taller – I’m ALL OVER THEM.)
Nobody messes with the cubs of this Big Little Wolf.
BigLittleWolf recently posted…Fresh Eggs- 1 Mile
He’s right you know, you’re lucky he tells you things. So many kids don’t. Such a balance to walk between protecting and over-reacting. I have trouble with that, too. There’s a reason those “What to Expect” books stop with the early years – potty training is a cake walk compared to dealing with adolescent issues.
secret agent woman recently posted…Some things defy explanation
Yeah, you’re handling it fine. Vent on here if you have to, and then quietly plan a kick-ass revenge. Not violence or freaking out, but this little shit sounds like she’s snippy and stuck-up, so I would talk to her mom and her together, informing the mom what her daughter is doing. And because she’s such a little shit, I would talk down to her, as if she’s a 4-year-old, using “sweety” and “honey” and “now do you understand?” Big smile, patronizing and condescending words will cut her down to size. Little shit. And then slip her a note from me and on it will say:
“Dear missy, You don’t know this now and won’t for a long long time because you’re young and extremely inexperienced, but when you’re about 30 you’ll understand that those kids you go to school with now? The ones who are different and don’t do things exactly how you do them because you do them that way? Yeah, those kids are going to be mopping the floor with you, professionally, personally, happiness-wise, and success-wise. They’re going to be living large and you’re going to look back and regret that you were such a shit to them.
Sincerely, Diane, a lady in Florida who you don’t know
Diane Laney Fitzpatrick recently posted…College- Apply Generously
I wish I could figure out how to raise my daughter in a bubble.
I’m sorry, this sucks.
I think it is very important to note that your child does talk to you and confide in you. No that does not make the name calling go away, but a lot of the kids that get bullied don’t feel like they have someone they can talk to about it. Your son sounds like he is doing okay. Yes, be protective, but also be proud that he seems to have the strength of character and knowledge of self to know that the name calling says more about the other person than it does about him. He does not feel inclined to emulate the behavior. He calls it out for what it is. He knows who he is. He feels he has friends that do appreciate him for being himself.
Hang in there and just keep being the awesome mom that you are.
Unknown Mami recently posted…My Hair Story
I’m sure I’d be raging like a Mama Bear on Red Bull and Pop Rocks if this happened to my child! The way you feel is valid and, while children can’t be sheilded from EVERYTHING, there are some things parents should be able to act on.
Be thrilled that he’s talking to you! He’s right, not many parents have that relationship with their kids. And be thrilled, that I’ve got a box of 1,000 sporks I will gladly help you impale these people on! Seriously, 1,000 sporks!
SisterMerryHellish recently posted…Holy Schnikes!
Oh shit, you have sporks? I thought they were only available at KFC?
I have been thinking about this bullying thing a lot lately. Here’s a thought. We don’t really know how this generation thinks… meaning we are reacting to these words based upon how our generation sees them. I think today’s young people are so much more desensitized than previous generations and may not be as effected by these words as we are. I could be totally wrong but I am wondering if this name calling is just white noise in some cases. When I read your son’s comment that even his friends call him a nerd sometimes, that kind of reinforced my thoughts on this. So much of what they see on TV is this disrespectful talk so I think it may just be normal to them.
There is a point however, where this name calling crosses the line and becomes bullying. I think you handled this very well and I think really listening to your child will help you know if it is something that just rolls off his back or if it is really a problem in his eyes. One of my boys is ultra sensitive so if you look at him funny, he is out of sorts while the other doesn’t seem to care if someone calls him a name.
Catherine recently posted…Lighten up for cryin’ out loud
There were times my kids told me I was going overboard too but as a mom it is so hard to know of the really tough things your kids have to go through. When someone is deliberately hurting one of your kids is practically goes against nature to hold back and let the kids work through their own stuff. I hope things are calm and good for your child.
Technobabe recently posted…Pilot Error
Hi Lin:
I’m so sorry for what your son is going through…I’m glad he talks to you about it! He’s right when he tells you that most kids don’t open up to their parents.
As the mom of a 12-year-old girl with learning disabilities who is also a relative “newbie” at school, I have had some “issues” to tackle myself…my “sweet little girl” is turning into someone who is not always pleasant to be around. Luckily, she has gotten involved in cheerleading, and made some good friends that way. She’s also a very good singer, so a lot of kids think that’s cool. I have told her that she is to tell her teacher/principal if anyone at school is ever physical with her…it hasn’t happened yet.
I hope your son will embrace his “nerdiness.” I’d be willing to bet he’ll be the successful one at the class reunion, and that the jerks who are picking on him will have exciting careers in “waste management.”
You’re doing a great job, Lin!
Hugs,
Wendy
writerwoman61 recently posted…Opposites Distract…
I’ve always felt that we parents experience anything hurtful done to our kids more than our kids do. My older son was the victim of bullying in his boy scout pack, and I wanted to throw myself off a cliff, of course with those other boys strapped to my body. Somehow, my son survived, but I know a lot of kids are scarred for life. Some of the people who have responded to you are spot on. You sound like a good mom, and your son sounds like he’s got his head screwed on straight. You will both survive. And from what I’ve read, some schools seem to be taking the bullying issue very seriously, going far beyond “Don’t punch.”
You handled yourself really well here. The best thing you can do is listen to your son and be there for him.
Now, that being said. You just give me the name and address of this little shit, and I’ll make him smooth like Barbie.
OK, that was wrong. I meant to say, “I will counsel him and show him the error of his ways.”
Vodka and Ground Beef recently posted…Team of the Week
Man, I remember what the boys used to do to each other during the middle school years and it makes my skin crawl thinking about it. Like Tom said, even good friends could turn on each other in an instant and the guy left hanging with the majority could basically act any way he wanted to torture and humiliate the odd man out.
I’ve got one kid who never met a bully she didn’t destroy, and another who is so quiet that the bullies don’t even notice him. Either that or they’re so scared shitless of her they wouldn’t dare go near him.
I’m so sorry this is going on but you have restraint that I would never have been able to show and your son has a wonderful mom and a fantastic head on his shoulders.
Tell that little asshole who’s bothering him that he better shape up or I’ll send a pregnant brine shrimp into his sleeping bag to destroy his life.
See, I found a way to sneak something vile in here!
dufmanno recently posted…I Know a Secret!
Your son needed to understand that this indeed is a big deal, so that he wouldn’t think it is okay for anyone to treat anyone else that way. It’s the fact that kids think “everyone goes through this” that keeps it going.
Good on ya.
Thank you so much for visiting and commenting! The perspective you offered is right on! Thank you.
I think you deserve 5 stars for the way you handled this. It sucks to watch your kid’s feelings stomped on like that. Bullying is so painful for every one 🙁
Nancy@ifevolutionwork recently posted…When You Take Shopping Out of the Equation
Thank you for saying that! yes it sucks. 🙁
omg – just what elly said!!!!!!! your son is not a nerd in the least, he’s a total badass. way more poised and confident than those fucktards. and HELLO he can do kung fu, a back flip and shove them all the way back to their locker! i say laugh in the face of all of those weak-minded imbeciles, just like your son does. you’ve done an outstanding job!!!!!!
pattypunker recently posted…my mental illness
Thank you my sweetie! Now, we should also both try and “laugh in the face of all of those weak-minded imbeciles” too!
I am honestly impressed with the way you handled it. You did a wonderful job, and you are lucky to have a son so willing to talk with you openly about stuff like this. You have no idea how rare that is. That alone means you are doing something right. (Stop here, reach over your shoulder and pat yourself on the back)
I was in a very similar situation as a kid. Growing up on our street, I was the only kid who’s siblings were way older than him, so when I hung out with kids my age I was always the one kid without a protector. (My brother was 10 years older, so he was long gone by the time the bullying started) These kids were my friends until one night, I got into a stupid little kid fight with one of them, and they all turned on me and started cheering for the other kid who’s big brother was also there. I went home crying, and the next day, I didn’t want to go to football practice out of fear of facing them again. Mom pressed me until I told her, and then she did the Mama Grizzly thing, and called all their parents. (This was back when parents still gave a shit) The kids all got chewed out, and were made to walk down to our house and apologize. I was so embarrassed. Long story short, they NEVER FORGOT it. The next few years of my life were HELL. They picked on me whenever they had a chance, and had great sport out of making me cry. I just kept it all to myself, and bottled up all that rage and hatred.
The bullying eventually stopped. But TO THIS DAY I HATE THEM ALL. Honestly, whenever I am home visiting and I see one of them out someplace, I cross the street, or pretend I don’t see them. I still feel the humiliation and rage EVEN AFTER 30 YEARS!
I can so understand how stuff like Columbine happens. It really is Lord of the Flies at that age.
So while you’re Mama Bear instincts say KILL. You did the right thing. Your son is right. Letting the name calling, and stuff just pass like it doesn’t bother him is probably the best course of action. The system will not protect kids like him. If you try to stop the perpetrators, they will not change. They will just wait until you aren’t around to get revenge on your son. And then it won’t just be some minor name calling. It will be full out psychological warfare.
Tom G. recently posted…The Evolution of Social Media
Oh Tom… Thank you so much for this! It took all I got to NOT do anything about it. Something similar happened to me: Starting from 4th grade, one day out of the blue, people stopped talking to me. One kid was particularly nasty (relatively over there) and he would knock down my books and stuff when he past by my desk, for instance. One day I could not stand it any more and told my mom. Well, my mom went and told his parents and his father whacked him with thick wooden stick. A rather common “Law of the Family” type of thing that almost all parents had when I was young. Word got back to my class and everybody was up in arms in defense of HIM and against me. So for the next three years, everybody pretended that I did not exist. That was the root cause for all the craziness in me. Therefore I am wary of doing anything right now at this moment, and it is killing me inside…
I am sorry that your childhood sucked because of the bullies. Like what many have told me, you are now the way you are, kind, compassionate, perceptive, and self-reflective, because you have been shaped by all things that happened in the past. I appreciate getting to know you, and it is NOT because you are like one of the very few people with penises that read my blog. 😉
Thanks! And here I thought you just loved me for my dimples!
Tom G. recently posted…Another post about a car
I like this image “running after shitty little 5th graders with a two-by-four, howling for blood” too! You know what kills me? My oldest has always been the popular one. The strong one. The outgoing one. I cannot even imagine what’s going to happen when my youngest gets to that age. This morning I was wondering whether I should start looking into private schools, even parochial schools! Creationism FTW! Ok. I am kidding about creationism… Maybe I can homeschool! Maybe I can get a reality TV show! Obviously due to rage overload I have once again lost my mind…
Well your boy is handling it WONDERFULLY!!! You’ve done something right to give him great self esteem. I am dreading when my son gets bullied (because now-a-days, it’s inevitable). I have already *tried* to think about it, but my imagination always gets a kink in it and I instead envision myself running after shitty little 5th graders with a two-by-four, howling for blood. I hate bullying and I think something needs to be done about it. So many kids don’t have good self-esteem, so they believe the taunting and end up taking matters into their own hands with horrific results. Oh, and the part about you envisioning the samurai sword? LOVED IT!
Jen @ NathanRising recently posted…A little imp has taken over!
Ok, so obviously the only thing I take care of is cats so my thoughts are probably totally invalid…BUT can I just take a second to completely change the focus and stir the pot? I don’t feel bad for your kid at all. NOT AT ALL. Because he’s handling it magnificently. He said himself that he’s stronger, smarter, and more skilled than most of those kids that are mocking him. That he recognizes that he is not the only one that they are signaling out. That these things they are saying are just them trying to be cool. Do you have any idea how old I was before I figured ANY OF THAT OUT?! Do you realize how far ahead of every one of those bullying assholes and bruised nerds in his class he is? He’s not crying. He’s not hiding. He’s not afraid to go to school. He’s proud of who he is and he’s taking it all in stride. Are you fucking kidding me? And you’re fretting about your parenting skills while your kid is handling all this with poise and humor?
…I’m just saying. Maybe you should pour yourself a glass of congratulatory wine, mama.
Elly Lou recently posted…Well That Didn’t Go At All As I Had Planned
Oh Elly, this makes me cry. Right now. Love.
Oh parenting is hard. Watching your kid hurting sucks. But he sounds level headed and knows you have his back. See if you can talk to the school confidentially. Squealing is the worst offense, especially for boys. It is such a fine line. I don’t know why my daughter was chosen, but last year (at 4!) she was the target of a physical bully. She was afraid of telling the teachers. Blood boiled, daggers shot from my eyes, words may have been said. It got better. Yuck.
Kate recently posted…Sleep deprived- but I still have something exciting to say
4 year old??!! Yes, I would have wanted to see blood too! Sorry that it happened to your little girl. What is wrong with this world?! ARGHHHHH
I would still talk to the school about this. They may be more receptive to hearing this, especially in light of all the attention that bullying has received lately in the media. If nothing else, it is on record.
Just reassure your son that he can talk to you anytime about this, but it sounds like he already knows this. He takes martial arts? That is great.. my son did/does too and it teaches so much more than self defense. Perhaps you can talk to his instructors as well. They may consider talking to the students as a group about this sort of thing and tie it into the lessons. Good for both sides….. wouldn’t hurt to suggest it.
And keep an eye out for behavior changes in him and act accordingly… again.. sounds like you’re already doing this.
Holly B recently posted…Facebook Made Me Do It
Thank you so much! Yes I will make sure to reassure him. I want to be careful though lest I scare him away: yeah, mommy has this tendency to go off on the deep end… I have been thinking about approaching the school. I cannot remember nor find any official policy on bullying. You’d think that the Midwest does not know about what’s going on around the country! WTF?
You have a pretty amazing son. I love that he thinks that “gay” and “retard” are curse words–you are raising him right. It’s also wonderful that he trusts you with this information.
I’m a little shocked that your school district does nothing about bullying unless there is physical contact. That’s ridiculous. Most bullying happens with words or INaction (eg: ostracism), not physicality. That’s bullshit, and any counselor/psychologist should know that.
I wish I had answers for you. I wish I had answers for Miss D. in the first grade when some kid said he didn’t want her “Camel-ass” sitting next to him on the bus. I wish I had answers for her two weeks ago when some kid told her that she had “afro hair.”
My blood is boiling on your behalf, because I know how tortured I am about all of this.
SERIOUSLY WTF?! Ok, name calling that borders on racial prejudice (and in the two cases you cited it was OBVIOUSLY SO!) should not be tolerated AT ALL. I am so surprised that your school did not do anything about it! A couple years ago some kid told another kid that she was not allowed to play with him because she had brown skin. There was a swift and definitive resolution to it: The kid, though his name was never revealed, was given suspension and parents were called in and the school had some sort of assembly to talk about inclusion and acceptance. Yes, granted, it might be because the school & school district were worried about NAACP coming for their asses, but such behaviors were immediately nipped in the bud. I think this was the point Keli Goff on HuffPost was trying to make: that if the name calling were with the N word, or any reference to skin color or racial prejudice, people would have been up in arms! I am so sorry this happened to your girl. And she is still so young! Oh gosh I am so f mad right now for you! I need to go punch somebody right now!!!!
I am so sorry your son is going through this. And that you’re going through this with him. I fear this day for my own kid and just like you, having not been raised here, all this is alien to me. I’ve never experienced anything like this in school and feel at a loss as to how I would handle such a situation with my child.
I think it’s amazing that your son talked to you about it in the first place. I can only hope my daughter will have that kind of relationship with me in the future to feel comfortable enough to come talk to me. I also think your son is handling it as well as anyone can in his shoes. I am in awe of his composure and strength, and his ability to know what’s right from wrong, and to not partake simply because it’s “the cool thing to do”. I attribute it to his upbringing – good job mama! But I know it’s still hard for you to take comfort in that as you can’t be with him to protect him 24/7. Yet, I think you and your husband did so well with him that I feel he will be OK. His head is screwed on tight thanks to you and sometimes as parents, we just have to hope that all we’ve taught them will be enough to help them forge their own path in this world, however scary this world is.
You’re not overreacting. You’re being a mom. And I’m right there with you.
But I have faith he will be OK. {{Hugs}}
Justine recently posted…Lovely Gratitude
Thank you for the kind words and support. I honestly have no idea what I am doing: parenting for me is like winging it on a battle field every day, and I suspect that most parents feel the same way. I am in a panic because how long is this magic shield of “self-confidence” going to last, I’ve got to wonder. *sigh* Yes, I have to have the faith that he will be ok too.
I’m so sorry that your son is the object of ugly and hurtful words. You’re conversation with him was awesome and it seems as if he’s handling a bad situation fairly well. Apparently, you’ve raised your children with a lot of self confidence. I really don’t know how we’ve managed to avoid this stage of the American childhood in my house. But all through the years I have told my children that people who use words like that are proving their poor vocabulary and lack of intelligence.
Hang in there!
Erica@PinesLakeRedhead recently posted…Recent Reads
Thank you so much! Being able to vent here (without fear of “retaliation” against my child) and being shown all the love and support is helping a lot. I mean it.
Wow, the previous commenter’s comment was really amazing. Great words.
I don’t have advice. I dread this day happening to my son, and I fear that it will. You just know sometimes that one child might be more likely to be targeted than another. I’m sorry that it is happening to you.
Your kid sounds like he has an amazingly calm and good head on his shoulders though, and a good sense of self. That sounds cliche but I mean it. That he recognizes that the cool kids do this as a ritual or whatnot is perceptive. That he knows he has friends that think he’s cool is perceptive. That he’s smarter than the insecure children who are doing this to him will help him a long way.
I have to believe that.
gigi recently posted…Time Management Tips for Bloggers
Me too. I have to believe that he will be ok otherwise I am ready to quit my job and go undercover as a janitor or something at school!
I’m truly sorry that you’re going through this. I can imagine how much your heart hurts. I will say, however, that your son is handling this beyond his years. He clearly has a handle on the situation and seems, for all intents and purposes, fine. While he might be unnerved by what his so-called friends are chanting, he is not cowering or sobbing in a corner, terrified to go to school.
This is, unfortunately, a familiar scene in America. I grew up on the streets of NYC and, yes, this kind of banter was commonplace. I’m sorry. To say it’s not a rite of passage would be a lie. Again, I’m not proud to admit that.
There are two points I want to make. One is that it’s important to keep in mind that you may not be seeing the whole picture. What I mean is that perhaps it is not as sinister as you are interpreting it. I say perhaps. To offer hope. The other point I want to make is that it’s good to emphasize to your son that this is really not about him. This other kid is obviously hurting inside and the only way he can verbalize it is if he makes others feel badly. It’s certainly not your son’s responsibility to be supportive but if he understands that the reason this boy is attacking him has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with him, it’ll make him feel better. When that happens, he’ll most certainly be able to handle the situation in a more positive way.
A good mantra is important. When he finds himself faced with someone who is calling him names or just generally putting him down, have him say this to himself: “God it must suck to be you.” It may just give him the strength to walk away and forget.
Oh thank you thank you so much for this insightful and tell it like it is comment. I really appreciate this very much!
I like this a lot –> “God it must suck to be you.” I will pass it on to my child and in fact, I am going to start using it for myself too!
And thank you and all the others for your praises for my son. I don’t have Mom Goggles on: he is by no means a perfect angel and he has his shares of cluelessness and pigheadedness. I try my best like every other parent and sometimes I am lucky, sometimes I am not. I am surprised by his being a target. It goes to show that it only takes ONE person to show you special “interest”, often for no reason, to make your life miserable.
You are not full of hot air — nope. You are full of awesome. You are an AWESOME mom. Your post makes me want to start a gang of moms carrying Samurai swords and wearing bandanas that say, “VENGEANCE.” We could scare the shit out of those little fuckers, and then we could scare the shit out of little fuckers everywhere.
I don’t have any answers for you. I hate that this behavior is considered the norm!?! That doesn’t make it right or acceptable! But I must say, your son’s response is very wise and mature. You can tell he has been listening to YOU. And I hope he secretly delights in your willingness to kick ass.
Also, I cheered everytime you said, “FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT.”
Hugs and love from me to you.
Yes! Gang of Sumarai Moms. Actually, I am thinking right now Ninja would be even better! I don’t know what I did in my previous life to deserve you. Hugs and love back!
I am really impress on how you handled this. and it was some inspiration, also. MissAttitude came last week with some story like that, and let me tell you, I wasnt all that chilled. I wonder (I am terrified) what will happen when the kids grow, if being a single mom will be enough “strong wall” for the kids to lean over…
You are not blowing things out of proportion: you are just a mom, worried and protective of your kids (that is why I believe is very acceptable to make a pact with the devil to get rid of the “fucking pieces of shit” of the world)
*HUG*
vanilla north recently posted…beam me up- Lisa…
Thank you so much for the supportive words. I am of course not calm. For my child’s sake, I have to and that is why I am so grateful I have this place to vent and to receive moral support. Yes, I am terrified too.