I love spam comments as much as I love Hallmark cards. Until I realize they don’t mean it

I know many of you have written about spam comments lately. Like the piracy industry, the spamming industry gets smarter and smarter each time we retch up our defense against it. I have been observing the improvement in quality in the spam comments I have been receiving and been amazed by how much I could learn from them.

Seriously. I have always had a hard time composing comments that go beyond, “AWESOME!” “I LOVE YOU!” “*LIKE*” and “Where is the *LIKE* button?” and “*LOVE*”.

I said all these things from my heart every time. And in all fairness (to me!) there is no reason why I would stop loving your posts so why should I stop saying “I love you!” just because I say it too many times? But sometimes I was indeed worried that you all may be a bit tired of these recycled comments and accused me of being lazy.

Below are some ACTUAL spam comments I have received that made me go, “Awww. Somebody loves me.” And then immediately when I realized I was being duped, “WTF?! So they did not really mean it? They just want me to go look for their puppy inside their van with them? Asshole!”

Here’s my theory: someone, or rather, some people from Hallmark are moonlighting as Spammers. Read the following heart-felt praises bestowed on this blog and tell me it is not plausible…

Let’s start with some short yet very sweet comments: (Are you ready with pen and paper to take notes?)

Excellent post I must say.. Simple but yet interesting and engaging.. Keep up the awesome work

Very nice and helpful information has been given in this article. I like the way you explain things. Keep posting. Thanks.

Thanks for sharing. Sharing is caring after all.

 

Then there are the comments where they are so grateful for the information they found here:

This is a smart blog. I mean it. You have so much knowledge about this issue, and so much passion. You also know how to make people rally behind it, obviously from the responses. Youve got a design here thats not too flashy, but makes a statement as big as what youre saying. Great job, indeed.

This is actually my first time here, really good looking blog. I discovered a lot of fascinating stuff within your blog particularly it’s discussion. From all the comments on your articles, it appears like this is really a extremely popular website. Keep up the good work.

I would like to start off by saying, thank you for supplying me with the information I’ve been searching for.I’ve been surfing the internet for three hours searching for it and would have given my right arm if I would have located your site sooner. Not only did I find what I was searching for, but found answers to questions I never even thought to ask myself. Thank you for your wonderful web-site!

I just discovered your web site on yahoo and see that you’ve got some fantastic thoughts in this post. I specifically appreciate the way you’ve been able to stick so very much thought into a relatively short submit (comparitively) which creates it an thoughtful post on your subject. IMHO you put a lot of good information in this submit not having all the filler that most bloggers use just to make their posts appear longer, that is ideal for a gal like me who doesn’t have a lot time cause I’m usually within the go. I often get so frustrated with so many of the final results in the major SE’s due to the fact they frequently seem to mostly be filled with filler content that frequently isn’t quite sensible. If you don’t mind I’m going to add this post and your weblog to my delicious favorites so I can share it with my family. I appear forward to coming back to read your future posts too.

 

Oh how I wish the following comments were really meant for me. “Every other blogs suck. You are the best!”

Too often bloggers take the time to write quality detailed posts like this and people fly back, absorb, and move on. I want to thank you for sharing this in depth knowledge with us. Hope you can keep up your blog and not fall into the 80% who eventually abandon their blog.

What a wonderful blog. I spend hours on the internet reading blogs, about tons of different subjects. I have to first of all give kudos to whoever created your theme and second of all to you for writing what i can only describe as an post. I honestly believe there is a skill to writing articles that only a few posses and frankly you have it. The combination of informative and quality content is definitely extremely rare with the large amount of blogs on the internet.

 

Then there are the “Story-telling” comments with so many details that make me wonder whether some out-of-work screenwriters have also got into this trade as well. I almost wanted to track the spammer down just so I could let them know how much I enjoyed the stories. One of them has got to be titled “Thanks for Lunch”…

I knew I was right. My friend and I placed a bet about which web site was superior. I thought your webpage was much better created, but she believed this post on trendy style ideas was much better. We rounded up 5 family memebers who had not seen either website prior to to read them each more than. Majority chose your site. Thanks for maintaing a great site.

Excellent read, I just passed this onto a colleague who was doing a little research on that. And he actually bought me lunch because I found it for him smile So let me rephrase that: Thanks for lunch!

 

My FAVORITE so far is this comment that made me go, WOW. Honesty is indeed the best policy!

This guy just came right out. Said it like it is. Called a spade a spade.

He is if nothing an honest spammer. You’ve got to respect that.

Article by Absence Alternatives

Absence has written 723 articles.
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{ 54 comments… add one }
  • Justine April 12, 2011, 10:08 pm

    Lol. You got the George Washington of Africa. A couple of them almost convinced me. Guess there is merit to being a small-time blogger. I’ve never had any spam comments, but now it’s making me wonder, why don’t they love me? I have issues, I know.
    Justine´s last blog post…Black hole and sun

  • Nicole April 12, 2011, 10:26 pm

    I just deleted a nearly identical comment to that last one today! My favorite spam comments are the ones where they post a link 500 times in a row to where I can buy cheap shoes – like a giant paragraph that takes up 12 inches on the page.. now I wish I didn’t delete shit like that 🙁

    • Absence Alternatives April 13, 2011, 6:52 pm

      I get a lot of those: penis enlarger. Penis enlarger. Penis enlarger. …

      Because you know if you repeat it long enough I’m going to give up and click on it!

  • Life with Kaishon April 12, 2011, 11:24 pm

    This is so hysterical! I think they all sounded so authentic. I would have believed them if I hadn’t read the title!
    Life with Kaishon´s last blog post…What are little girls made of

  • Greg Dhuyvettet April 13, 2011, 7:14 am

    I like to look at spam comments as performance art.

  • melme April 13, 2011, 8:39 am

    I hear ya! I got something to this effect the other day:

    “We need freelance writers desperately. After checking out your website, we want you on our staff. We pay out $35-$50 per hour. Our best writers are pulling in over $90K a YEAR, writing part time. Please stop by and see us.”

    This one hurt me to delete…

  • MrsBlogAlot April 13, 2011, 9:12 am

    Now I feel left out because I don’t get spam!

    …oops….was that lightening I just heard?

  • writerwoman61 April 13, 2011, 10:05 am

    A lot of your spammers have left their “thoughtful comments” for me as well, Lin…only the best blogs get spam, I guess!

    The quality of the spam is definitely improving…one of my favourites praised my “knowledge of this topic” on my “About Me” page! DUH!

    Fun post!

    Hugs,
    Wendy
    writerwoman61´s last blog post…It’s All About You…Twenty Questions…

  • BigLittleWolf April 13, 2011, 10:41 am

    This cracked me up! Love your spam (and no, this is not spam-I-am).

    I like it when I get Russian spam, and I get quite a lot! It’s language practice, before I hit the “empty” button. (See… silver lining is so many things!)
    BigLittleWolf´s last blog post…Web Wars And The Road To Hell

    • Absence Alternatives April 14, 2011, 6:19 pm

      The funny thing is some of you here get a lot of spam comments in Chinese. I can understand them. Yet I have never received any.

      Ok, now I am hearing thunders.

  • dufmanno April 13, 2011, 10:57 am

    OH! So those long painful comments about how I should be taken out and shot because I can’t construct a sentence or be bothered to use spellcheck AREN’T from real people, so I can continue to ignore them right?
    dufmanno´s last blog post…Raw

  • GamerDarling April 13, 2011, 11:03 am

    I’m in the middle of starting a blog, and have already been amazed at the amount of spam I’ve gotten. My favorite is the spam that comments on the fact that I’ve “obviously helped a lot of people based on the content of my comments section”…Mostly because not a single comment exists yet because so far, every single comment has been spammy spammy spam spam.

    When I got the first one that said it I actually thought there was some sarcastic asshole just rubbing my face in the fact that I’m too new to have had any real commenters on my blog yet.

    Even better is the occasional spammer that just trashes your blog in the hope that you’ll believe it’s a real person because of the scathing review despite the fact that they’re linking to that thumbprint cookies site that has recipes with instructions like: “Stir the motor oil in slowly prevented it glomping”

    Surprisingly grateful for Akismet,

    Gamerdarling

    • Absence Alternatives April 14, 2011, 6:26 pm

      Usually I am grateful for Akismet ’cause I don’t want people to come here and then accidentally order a penis enlarger (because you don’t need it baby!)

      Right now though I am a bit miffed ’cause Akismet has been identifying me as a spammer and all my comments on WP blogs immediately go straight to the spam folder. I just left 2 comments on your blog and none of them showed up… 🙁

      • GamerDarling April 14, 2011, 6:40 pm

        Oh no! I went through and manually approved them. 🙂

        Hopefully if enough people do that Akismets algorithm will fix itself…I usually try to doublecheck what akismet calls spam anyway though. Just in case. ;P
        GamerDarling´s last blog post…I’m not always the funny one…

  • Meg at the Members Lounge April 13, 2011, 11:27 am

    How about the ones that compliment you on your fabulous theme, and wherever did you get it? Umm, it says Thesis in the footer.
    Meg at the Members Lounge´s last blog post…Let’s Talk Gobbledygook

  • Elly Lou April 13, 2011, 12:46 pm

    Dearly Beloved,
    I am a Nigerian prince. My country is in turmoil. I am trapped. Send me 5gazillion dollars. You are a great resource.
    Elly Lou´s last blog post…Try Not To Hump Me

    • dufmanno April 13, 2011, 9:05 pm

      This is shameful skullduggery. A real Nigerian prince would never be trapped. Otherwise send me your details so I can wire you some funds.
      dufmanno´s last blog post…Raw

    • Absence Alternatives April 14, 2011, 6:28 pm

      When I was throwing something together for this post, I thought of YOU and how you would be writing a spam comment.

      Awesome.

  • SisterMerryHellish April 13, 2011, 1:27 pm

    Do NOT get in the van! I’ll buy you your own damn puppy, just don’t get in the van!

    Also, when anyone comments that they found my post “helpful, informative, smart, timely…” it’s a huge red flad. DELETE!
    SisterMerryHellish´s last blog post…I Warned You

    • dufmanno April 13, 2011, 9:03 pm

      Only get in the Van if it’s Greg Ginn and Henry Rollins looking for the puppy because then you are in for the punk rock ride of your life. Also don’t let Pettibon draw on you.
      dufmanno´s last blog post…Raw

    • Absence Alternatives April 14, 2011, 6:29 pm

      *Pounding from inside the van* “HELLISH HELP ME! The pitas have got me!!!!!”

  • Panda Q April 13, 2011, 4:34 pm

    This is actually my first time here, really good looking blog. I discovered a lot of fascinating stuff within your blog particularly it’s discussion. From all the comments on your articles, it appears like this is really a extremely popular website. Keep up the good work.

    JUST KIDDING! No, wait, um.

    I actually mean all that stuff. And I’m not a spammer. I just chose an appropriate comment from the “grateful for information” part of my grocery store. I really just went in to get eggs, but this was exactly what I’ve been trying to say for years! 🙂

    Nice post.

  • Jessica April 13, 2011, 7:17 pm

    You know…spammers really are getting smarter.

  • Jean C. April 14, 2011, 2:32 am

    Holy crapola. I’m gonna have to cruise my comments now to filter out the spam…some of those are so detailed it’s ridiculous…I wonder if they are hiring? Just kidding, I would never ever ever ever do anything that frustrating! DOWN WITH SPAM!
    Jean C.´s last blog post…To the funny farm Jeeves!

  • meleah rebeccah April 14, 2011, 4:02 pm

    At least YOU get interesting / good spam!

    I usually just get, “Click Here to Buy Viagra Cheap” – or something lame like that!

  • meleah rebeccah April 14, 2011, 4:03 pm

    Hey, where did my comment go? Probably into your spam folder!

  • meleah rebeccah April 14, 2011, 4:06 pm

    Seriously, I really did leave two more comments!

  • Absence Alternatives April 14, 2011, 6:16 pm

    I just got this one:

    “I still can not quite believe that I could often be one of those studying the important guidelines found on your web site. My family and I are really thankful for the generosity and for giving me opportunity pursue this chosen profession path.”

    Now even their family is grateful for my existence. Wow. My spammers are really nice to me!

  • 6512 and growing April 15, 2011, 10:48 am

    I love that you wrote a whole post about spam comments.

    I sort of love my spam comments because they’re so predictably spammy. The sketchy grammar, the profusion of love and admiration, the kudos for my website (which is the bare-bones, “big-box,” wordpress variety).

    “Now even their family is grateful for my existence.”
    Love that. Also, where is the LIKE button, really?

    • Absence Alternatives April 15, 2011, 11:03 am

      I know. Sometimes after reading my spam comments, I am not so sure that my good ol’ bloggy friends love me as much!

      😉

  • Jen @ NathanRising April 15, 2011, 2:12 pm

    Spam drives me crazy!! They are definitely getting better and more sophisticated in getting through the defenses of spam-blockers (at least mine). And I couldn’t help but laugh out loud with the Honest Spammer… that was so funny! Definitely put a guilt trip on ya, huh?
    Jen @ NathanRising´s last blog post…When the poop hit the wall

  • secret agent woman April 15, 2011, 9:13 pm

    How come I never get ultra-flattering spam comments? Why don’t the spambots love ME? How is that fair? Hmmph going off to sulk now
    secret agent woman´s last blog post…Looks like the Woodsman has struck again

  • Absence Alternatives April 18, 2011, 9:21 am

    LOVE my spammers. Just got this ultimate compliment:

    “Wow, this was very fun to read. Have you ever considered submitting articles to news papers?”

    Dear Spambot: No I have not. But thank you for the kind words and blind faith.

  • The Reason You Come April 22, 2011, 4:09 am

    I used to get spam comments like those when I was on WordPress.com. Some of them were so flattering that it actually hurt when I clicked on their links and I was taken to gaming sites, Viagra ads, etc. After switching to a self-hosted blog and changing my domain name, I don’t get a lot of spam anymore. That’s good, but then, that probably means my site isn’t showing up on search engines yet. And that’s no good! I’m going off to sulk, too. 🙁
    The Reason You Come´s last blog post…Our heaven- your sun- my moon

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