Spitting Blood

I am sitting here trying to catch up on the million things people just piled on my desk with a pool of blood in my mouth.

I don’t know why but I keep on thinking of Brat Pitt from Fight Club.

I don’t remember whether he lost any tooth inside the Fight Club or not. I guess you really cannot talk about it. But I just lost a tooth. So I win.

I did have my oral surgery today. All I remember now is:

  1. I was worried that I would have to be like Liz Lemon from the Valentine’s Day episode and pretend I actually had a ride home. I did. My babysitter came through.
  2. The doctor put the needle not very gently in 3 different places before he was able to draw blood.
  3. The doctor not very gently used something with very hard bristles all over my gum which made me, mind you, I did not cry once during my root canal in March, cry quite a few times. “Are you sure I am supposed to be feeling this pain? Am I not supposed to be sleeping now as you kept on telling me?”
  4. The doctor kept on yelling, “Open your mouth. I cannot see anything!” and complaining, “You have a very small mouth.”
  5. I restrained myself from laughing out loud and saying, “Tell my husband about it.”
  6. I woke up from a dreamless nap which I thought was only 30 minutes, but 2 hours had already passed.
  7. I felt around my mouth with my tongue and my tooth was gone.
  8. The doctor failed to volunteer any information to me. I had to yell, “Can I ask you some questions?” in my groggy state from my chair for him to come into the room. “So what did you do today?” And he told me to take it easy, one thing at a time. I fucking want to know what he’s going to do with that big giant hole in my mouth. He told me to wait until I see him again next week and we can talk about it.
  9. I checked my phone and saw an IM from my boss asking for something that he has never asked me to do, knowing also that I was going under the knife today, actually, at that specific hour. I fired back with enough bitchiness probably never has been heard from me before.
  10. The tooth that was taken out was the same tooth that has undergone the root canal not too long ago. And the salt that was added to the wound? I have just paid for the crown for it. It’s like renovating your house right before they decide to demolish it.

What the fucking fuck?!

 

Ok. I need the Silverlining Man to the rescue…

  1. I now have an official diagnosis from a medical professional that I do indeed have a very small mouth. Here is a note from the doctor, honey.
  2. I cannot eat hard food for the next week. Here is the same note from the same doctor, honey. Eh, I mean, I will probably be able to lose my tummy fat (yes I know this is kind of contradictory to my previous Rah Rah post about Ruby the Anti-Barbie…)
  3. I will probably finally put my Vitamix to good use. Bacon smoothie anyone?
  4. The doctor did NOT say that alcohol is not allowed.
  5. I am still walking in Cloud 9 because of this episode from yesterday…

When I was waiting for a taxi to come by outside the office building yesterday, a truck made a U Turn and stopped in the middle of the street. The guy on the passenger side poked his head out of the window and yelled at me,

“You are really attractive. Wow. Really really attractive.”

Mind you, he did not use the word HOT. Or SEXY. Or GORGEOUS. Or BEAUTIFUL. And I was not showing any cleavage. In fact I was wearing a plain black t-shirt.

I thanked him for making my day. I believe I may have even curtsied when I thanked him. I am still thinking it was probably a bet, or a random act of kindness, or candid camera, or Punk’d.

I am just glad he saw me yesterday and not today.

 

Ok. Got to go and spit out the blood that’s almost overflowing inside my puffed cheeks.

TMI?

Definitely.

But you like it, right?

 

Article by Absence Alternatives

Absence has written 723 articles.
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{ 26 comments… add one }
  • Nicole, the queen of this life June 9, 2011, 5:28 pm

    Ooooh girl. Lemme tell you. I feel your pain! I have two, yes two, holes in my mouth that have BOTH had the root canal and now have to be replaced with implants. But sok cuz, I get two implants. My first ever implants! (Teeth, yes, but implants nonetheless.) Take the pain meds *with* the alcohol but tell no one I told you that.
    Nicole, the queen of this life´s last blog post…I’m Pretty Sure You’re Doing it Wrong

  • secret agent woman June 9, 2011, 6:16 pm

    Yikes. I can’t say that surgeon sounds like a very nice person. And I’m sorry you had to go through all that. But Yay! for the complimentary truck guy!!
    secret agent woman´s last blog post…Dangerous times at the lake

  • Andrea June 9, 2011, 9:15 pm

    Mouth pain?!? Mouth pain is the worst torture! And it’s only worse knowing you just paid off that tooth. Sounds like the tooth fairy needs to bring you some heavy duty gold frickin’ bars for that shit.

    But I love the truck story. That made my day. 🙂
    Andrea´s last blog post…Young Folks

    • Absence Alternatives June 9, 2011, 10:48 pm

      Thanks! I was thinking about you because they kept on showing the trailers to the movie “Bad Teacher”. I am now pegging you as Cameron Diaz. 😉

  • Life with Kaishon June 9, 2011, 11:10 pm

    OH MY GOSH! that sounds horrible.
    What the heck is wrong with that ridiculous dr?
    I am sorry you are in so much pain.
    I will pray you feel better soon.
    PS You are beautiful. Very, very beautiful. Wether a random person in a taxi yells it out or not. You are amazing.
    Life with Kaishon´s last blog post…Photographer Interview- Kim Klassen

  • Jack June 9, 2011, 11:27 pm

    Did I ever tell you that I am a dentist in the midwest. 😉
    Jack´s last blog post…Triberr- Twitter- LinkedIn & Livefyre

  • Alexandra June 9, 2011, 11:43 pm

    Wow.

    You have scared me to death.

    To be continued, huh?

    Hope you feel no pain for awhile, at least.
    Alexandra´s last blog post…Sunday Best – Love in the Chaos

  • Naptimewriting June 10, 2011, 12:04 am

    LMAO at the note from the doctor about a small mouth. You’re hilarious.

    And now totally, medically off the hook. Yeehaw. 😉
    Naptimewriting´s last blog post…Open Letter to My Greys

  • TechnoBabe June 10, 2011, 5:44 am

    That doctor needed a swift kick at the nearest place your knee or foot met while you were in the chair. This gets me all riled up. Dental issues can do that to those of us who have had bad experiences with crappy dentists like this one. I had a dentist in Las Vegas yelling at me about my mouth being too small and that made me nervous so when he adjusted the chair to have my head down low enough for him to step on my face I gagged and then he yelled at me for gagging. Did I mention I so dislike dentists? I know that is absurd to take it out on all dentists. Tough.
    TechnoBabe´s last blog post…Sabroso Lentil Tacos

  • Cheryl S. June 10, 2011, 8:09 am

    I’m cringing just thinking about that. Ouch. I hope you feel better soon.

    That’s SO funny about the small mouth. My mom has been going to the same dentist for 30 years. He told her that she has a tiny mouth. He then OFFERED to write my dad a note!

  • Tom G. June 10, 2011, 8:40 am

    Sorry I had to yell across the street at you, but it was a no parking zone.
    Tom G.´s last blog post…The Search Term Meme

  • Nance June 10, 2011, 11:31 am

    How sick is this? At 63, I find that I’d be willing to go through a root canal if it meant I’d get one of those utterly perfect trucker compliments. So much for aging gracefully.
    Nance´s last blog post…Schizophonic Thrills

  • BigLittleWolf June 10, 2011, 11:42 am

    A compliment? In any form?

    Take it and run, Girlfriend.
    BigLittleWolf´s last blog post…Calling for the Tow Truck

  • SisterMerryHellish June 10, 2011, 2:32 pm

    Sweetheart, if I lived anywhere close I’d spend all my time yelling compliments at you:

    Your writing makes my heart all melty!

    You’re the John Stewart of the internet!

    You wearing a tie makes Annie Lennox look like a hobo!

    Your ass is SMOKIN’ hot!

    See? Now, I’ve just got to start packing for the move!
    SisterMerryHellish´s last blog post…I Tried- Really I Did

  • pattypunker June 10, 2011, 4:01 pm

    you keep on thinking of brad pitt from fight club because it’s like taking percocet.

    of course the guy in the truck catcalled you! you are a looker, girlfriend.

    do i always have to provide the obvious here? sheesh.
    pattypunker´s last blog post…show us your meat

  • Meg at the Members Lounge June 10, 2011, 4:06 pm

    Good Lord, what did the dentist expect? I dumped my last one when she got testy with me and I found the fabulous Dr. Ma who tells me to point my foot when I feel a twinge of pain. Damned if that doesn’t work like a charm. My kinda guy.

    And seriously – what an awesome random U-turn!
    Meg at the Members Lounge´s last blog post…I Can’t Help Myself Friday Word Salad

  • Tea June 10, 2011, 7:36 pm

    It really annoys me when medical professionals, who I’M PAYING fail to recognize that without my sore mouth/random earache/inability to see, they’d have no job.
    That being said, I do so love a random compliment, especially if the random person goes out of his way to deliver it.
    Tea´s last blog post…Hatemonger

  • Mary Lee June 11, 2011, 11:32 am

    I think that alcohol is REQUIRED to keep the wound sterilized.

    Do you think it’s a coincidence that this Pickles ran today? See if your hubs looks guilty.

    http://www.gocomics.com/pickles/2011/06/11
    Mary Lee´s last blog post…Catting Around

  • linlah June 11, 2011, 4:58 pm

    I say it’s time for a new dentist. My mouth is so small when I was a teenager all my wisdom teeth and two of my molars had to be pulled to make room for the rest of my teeth.

    I want a U-turn like that.
    linlah´s last blog post…behind the curve

  • Ameena June 12, 2011, 1:02 am

    Dentists are crooks…each and every one of them. I paid $3000 to my last dentist and then had the pleasure of hearing her bitch about my small mouth (we are twins, seriously) and then she sent me to an oral surgeon to have a root canal on a tooth she supposedly fixed.

    I hate her.
    Ameena´s last blog post…11 years later

  • kathy June 12, 2011, 5:33 am

    This post is hysterical, Lin! I too have a very small mouth–

    Hope you’re feeling better soon!

    Kathy
    kathy´s last blog post…The Wacky Winter of ’97

  • writerwoman61 June 12, 2011, 7:28 pm

    Sorry about your dental issues, Lin…hope you’re feeling better soon!

    So…was the guy cute?

    Hugs,
    Wendy

  • GamerDarling June 13, 2011, 5:54 pm

    What a dick of a surgeon. They’re supposed to give you pre and post op instructions, mine actually had me go in for a consult beforehand to make sure that everything clicked and I was comfortable.

    I hate to be a negative nancy, but the thing that pissed me off was not being allowed to have solid food AND not being allowed to use a straw. After the third day I said fuck it and had pizza. Little Cesars has never brought so much heaven to someone who has never had weed. On the plus side, you should have a note from the doctor to not suck things like lollipops for the next week on top of the small mouth thing. lol

  • lifeintheboomerlane June 13, 2011, 5:54 pm

    Dental work is the worst! My mouth hurts like hell just to make a dental appointment. Which reminds me, I am way overdue. Glad you survived it.

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