I am sitting here trying to catch up on the million things people just piled on my desk with a pool of blood in my mouth.
I don’t know why but I keep on thinking of Brat Pitt from Fight Club.
I don’t remember whether he lost any tooth inside the Fight Club or not. I guess you really cannot talk about it. But I just lost a tooth. So I win.
I did have my oral surgery today. All I remember now is:
- I was worried that I would have to be like Liz Lemon from the Valentine’s Day episode and pretend I actually had a ride home. I did. My babysitter came through.
- The doctor put the needle not very gently in 3 different places before he was able to draw blood.
- The doctor not very gently used something with very hard bristles all over my gum which made me, mind you, I did not cry once during my root canal in March, cry quite a few times. “Are you sure I am supposed to be feeling this pain? Am I not supposed to be sleeping now as you kept on telling me?”
- The doctor kept on yelling, “Open your mouth. I cannot see anything!” and complaining, “You have a very small mouth.”
- I restrained myself from laughing out loud and saying, “Tell my husband about it.”
- I woke up from a dreamless nap which I thought was only 30 minutes, but 2 hours had already passed.
- I felt around my mouth with my tongue and my tooth was gone.
- The doctor failed to volunteer any information to me. I had to yell, “Can I ask you some questions?” in my groggy state from my chair for him to come into the room. “So what did you do today?” And he told me to take it easy, one thing at a time. I fucking want to know what he’s going to do with that big giant hole in my mouth. He told me to wait until I see him again next week and we can talk about it.
- I checked my phone and saw an IM from my boss asking for something that he has never asked me to do, knowing also that I was going under the knife today, actually, at that specific hour. I fired back with enough bitchiness probably never has been heard from me before.
- The tooth that was taken out was the same tooth that has undergone the root canal not too long ago. And the salt that was added to the wound? I have just paid for the crown for it. It’s like renovating your house right before they decide to demolish it.
What the fucking fuck?!
Ok. I need the Silverlining Man to the rescue…
- I now have an official diagnosis from a medical professional that I do indeed have a very small mouth. Here is a note from the doctor, honey.
- I cannot eat hard food for the next week. Here is the same note from the same doctor, honey. Eh, I mean, I will probably be able to lose my tummy fat (yes I know this is kind of contradictory to my previous Rah Rah post about Ruby the Anti-Barbie…)
- I will probably finally put my Vitamix to good use. Bacon smoothie anyone?
- The doctor did NOT say that alcohol is not allowed.
- I am still walking in Cloud 9 because of this episode from yesterday…
When I was waiting for a taxi to come by outside the office building yesterday, a truck made a U Turn and stopped in the middle of the street. The guy on the passenger side poked his head out of the window and yelled at me,
“You are really attractive. Wow. Really really attractive.”
Mind you, he did not use the word HOT. Or SEXY. Or GORGEOUS. Or BEAUTIFUL. And I was not showing any cleavage. In fact I was wearing a plain black t-shirt.
I thanked him for making my day. I believe I may have even curtsied when I thanked him. I am still thinking it was probably a bet, or a random act of kindness, or candid camera, or Punk’d.
I am just glad he saw me yesterday and not today.
Ok. Got to go and spit out the blood that’s almost overflowing inside my puffed cheeks.
But you like it, right?