My previous post was a fine example for #FirstWorldProblem.
The kids and I survived. Of course. More than survived, we had a grand old time taking it easy playing really layback tourists in Chicago. The kids apparently inherited my love for hotels: we spent one morning inside the hotel watching the History Channel.
http://instagram.com/p/b9zjkBn01m/
http://instagram.com/p/b91H1ZH04X/
http://instagram.com/p/b-MVUpH0_r/
As I lay on the lounge chair watching the kids frolicking in the pool on the top of the hotel under the moon and surrounded by city lights, I had to admit, with embarrassment, that I could no longer complain.
I am going to be staying at yet another hotel tonight. BlogHer 2013 is here in Chicago. I hope to see some of you in 3D. Be warned: I am hashtag awkward.
Instead, Serendipity! I came across this video/poem today.
“How to Be Alone”
It is the perfect remedy we need in order to recover from the highs and lows after fighting through our fears of opening ourselves up and meeting strangers. The powerful reminder to combat that gnawing insecurity, that tiny voice, that propels you to down five shots of vodka within the first 30 minutes of setting your foot in a party so that you can be the Dancing Queen that you dream of being. The talisman to arm ourselves with next time we attend any social occasion when ironically we often inadvertently feel so alone within the crowd.
Watch this.
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I came across this beautifully written and performed poem through It Is Monday… Thinking Moment. The filmmaker is Andrea Dorfman, and the simple yet profound words were written and performed by Tanya Davis.
I cannot help but reprint the entire poem here just so I can read the words, slowly, hoping to absorb them into my being, to have them become part of the fiber of my soul.
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How to Be Alone
by Tanya Davis
If you are at first lonely, be patient.
If you’ve not been alone much, or if when you were, you weren’t okay with it, then just wait. You’ll find it’s fine to be alone once you’re embracing it.
We could start with the acceptable places, the bathroom, the coffee shop, the library. Where you can stall and read the paper, where you can get your caffeine fix and sit and stay there. Where you can browse the stacks and smell the books. You’re not supposed to talk much anyway so it’s safe there.
There’s also the gym. If you’re shy you could hang out with yourself in mirrors, you could put headphones in.
And there’s public transportation, because we all gotta go places.
And there’s prayer and meditation. No one will think less if you’re hanging with your breath seeking peace and salvation.
Start simple. Things you may have previously based on your avoid being alone principals.
The lunch counter. Where you will be surrounded by chow-downers. Employees who only have an hour and their spouses work across town and so they — like you — will be alone.
Resist the urge to hang out with your cell phone.
When you are comfortable with eat lunch and run, take yourself out for dinner. A restaurant with linen and silverware. You’re no less intriguing a person when you’re eating solo dessert to cleaning the whipped cream from the dish with your finger. In fact some people at full tables will wish they were where you were.
Go to the movies. Where it is dark and soothing. Alone in your seat amidst a fleeting community.
And then, take yourself out dancing to a club where no one knows you. Stand on the outside of the floor till the lights convince you more and more and the music shows you. Dance like no one’s watching…because, they’re probably not.
And, if they are, assume it is with best of human intentions. The way bodies move genuinely to beats is, after all, gorgeous and affecting. Dance until you’re sweating, and beads of perspiration remind you of life’s best things, down your back like a brook of blessings.
Go to the woods alone, and the trees and squirrels will watch for you.
Go to an unfamiliar city, roam the streets, they are always statues to talk to, and benches made for sitting gives strangers a shared existence if only for a minute, and these moments can be so uplifting and the conversation you get in by sitting alone on benches, might of never happened had you not been there by yourself.
Society is afraid of alone though. Like lonely hearts are wasting away in basements. Like people must have problems if after awhile nobody is dating them.
But lonely is a freedom that breaths easy and weightless, and lonely is healing if you make it.
You can stand swaffed by groups and mobs or hands with your partner, look both further and farther in the endless quest for company.
But no one is in your head. And by the time you translate your thoughts an essence of them maybe lost or perhaps it is just kept. Perhaps in the interest of loving oneself, perhaps all those sappy slogans from pre-school over to high school groaning, we’re tokens for holding the lonely at bay.
Cause if you’re happy in your head, then solitude is blessed, and alone is okay.
It’s okay if no one believes like you, all experiences unique, no one has the same synapses, can’t think like you, for this be relived, keeps things interesting, life’s magic brings much, and it doesn’t mean you aren’t connected, and the community is not present, just take the perspective you get from being one person in one head and feel the effects of it.
Take silence and respect it.
If you have an art that needs a practice, stop neglecting it, if your family doesn’t get you or a religious sect is not meant for you, don’t obsess about it.
You could be in an instant surrounded if you need it.
10:05:09 AM: Now @marymac session. Was able to get ready in 20 minutes because I never blowdry my hair & I don’t need to shave my legs. #YouHateM eNow?!
10:11:07 AM: sayz: Making new friends is mentally exhausting even if you love them at first sight… http://goo.gl/fb/aSIjV
10:13:19 AM: Love this! “We may just need to own this: Your shitty writing is better than most people’s good writing!” Paraphrasing @avengingophelia
10:35:14 AM: @ #BlogHer10 we deal w the collision b/w “fantasy” & reality. It takes a lot to reconcile inner images of someone w the person in front of u
12:08:00 PM: @WickedShawn haz 2 work TODAY. “My boss just asked what I would like for lunch. My response: To stab all of you. He just nodded.” U tell him
12:45:03 PM: Anissa talked about her experience & support coming fr Internet after the tragedy & she managed to make us laugh. How amazing is that woman?
12:55:14 PM: Awesome @AnissaMayhew said “Ppl who say blogging is not important can kiss my ass!” Right on! It’s amazing how she makes us LOL #BlogHer10
1:30:01 PM: A speaker said ppl r generally kind. Ppl r really not assholes. @AnissaMayhew added “Some ppl ARE assholes!” She totally rocks! #BlogHer10
2:17:16 PM: Walking towards Bryant Park in my sundress & higgh heel, meeting w my bitches, typing on my phone, feeling all Sex and the City-y. NYC rox!
2:51:45 PM: There are 2500 people here #BlogHer10! It's amazing we haven't broken up in cat fights all over! http://twitpic.com/2cjwx4
3:00:07 PM: The food is surprisingly good. Look! Desert SHELVES. NOT table! In fact, this is kind of evil. http://twitpic.com/2cjzvp
3:07:16 PM: @marymac has a surprisingly youthful voice, like bells. She is personable, adorable. Lk her blog http://twitpic.com/2ck2ff
3:10:00 PM: Empire State Building peeking out of Bryant Park. It's a gorgeous day for real. I'm in heaven http://twitpic.com/2ck3b5
3:19:50 PM: Chilling @ Bryant Park w sexy ladies. Here r @pattypunker @BrilliantSulk @pugalistatrest http://twitpic.com/2ck6fv
3:27:39 PM: This is truly an oasis in NYC inside Bryant Park. Beautiful day. Surrounded by beautiful friends. http://twitpic.com/2ck8wo
5:01:47 PM: I truly am in luv w NYC. Even the ppl are better looking here. Doesn't hurt the weather is gorgeous http://twitpic.com/2cl1ry
5:10:35 PM: Time Square fuckyeah! There were a lot of half nekkid hot men w nice abs walking around. I luv NYC!! http://twitpic.com/2cl4ho
7:17:03 PM: Sushi & sake @ Kodoma for dinner. Now searching 4 a BlogHer10 party to get on w our bad selves! http://twitpic.com/2cm8mp
8:32:23 PM: @ Sparklecom party. This is what I'm talking about! Oh yeah baby! http://twitpic.com/2cmyrc
11:08:27 PM: So I am like lying in bed Tweeting for you bitches at a fancy party in public. You r welcome. #blogher10
11:12:42 PM: @knowmeloveme at Cheeseburger party! She looks hot!! Check her out Chantelligence.com http://twitpic.com/2con6y
12:54:15 AM: sayz: Making new friends is mentally exhausting even if you love them at first sight (#BlogHer10 Day 2) http://bit.ly/d1V64F
2:47:17 AM: Apparently I danced w eyes wide shut like a maniac who’s never been out of the house. I did get a few ladies to own their sexiness. I rock
2:49:09 AM: What kind of fancy party shut down @ 1 pm? Hotel bar stopped serving @ 1 too. We had to go to some random bar & I had my 10th & 11th vodka
2:50:38 AM: Woohoo I guess I AM drunk. The bar closes @ 1 am. Not 1 pm. That’s be totally suck…
2:51:27 AM: Ok. Bad grammar! I am now confirmed drunk.
2:53:25 AM: Can you find hot pizza @ 3 am?! Fuckyeah you can in NYC! This one is 4 my husb who requested pizza http://twitpic.com/2cqnim
2:56:59 AM: @avapidblonde @pattypunker eating hot pizza in sexy party dresses @ 3am. I saw gawkers. #Noshit http://twitpic.com/2cqog6
3:00:42 AM: Hot chicks having New York Pizza @ 3am in Time Square. We were like a performance. Tourists stopped. http://twitpic.com/2cqpho
3:02:31 AM: Random guy in street: Look! Sexy ladies! Me: see? How awesome is New York? Guy: actually I’m from England. Me: You speak English well! LOL
3:04:28 AM: Random British guy: How dare you? Me: You speak American well? (Hit his behind w my pocket book) Off u go get some w your hot lady 2nite!
3:06:17 AM: Yeah. You really don’t want me to be all drunky & be “myself” & release me to the wild. I cackle. I flirt w every living thing, even grandpa
3:09:48 AM: It's 4 am. My flt is @ 8:30am. I'm not going 2 bed now am I? Thanks 4 putting up w #BlogHer10 tweets http://twitpic.com/2cqrza
5:39:33 AM: My favorite moment @ Blogher10? @BugginWord left a session early to fetch me 2 lunch w the gang. I was almost in tears when she appeared
5:41:05 AM: As I congratulate myself 4 handling this getting up early 4 the 8:30am flt so well, I dropped the ziploc bag w my cream etc into the toilet
5:45:26 AM: As I packed up this, my fuck-me shoes & my ho dress, I felt as if I were packing up my cape. Goodbye Land Where I Get 2 Pretend 2 b Awesome!
5:48:29 AM: THIS. Goodbye my secret identity aka ME! We had fun. It was nice spending time w you. Hello reality! http://twitpic.com/2cs14a
1:51:24 AM: Seeing how it is almost 3 am and my flight is at 7. How I haven’t even started packing. Methinks I should just stay up & go straight to ORD
1:54:29 AM: Do you think it’s excessive to pack 5 pairs of shoes & my whole closet for 1.5 days? So I don’t have to decide now? And my toothbrush
1:57:23 AM: Husb: This party u r going 2 will b very boring. Me: Why? He: Every time someone says something or do something, 100s ppl will tweet abt it!
1:58:11 AM: Me: Can I tweet about this now? (He has no idea. I totally plan to tweet my way through BlogHer10 so I do not have to actually talk to ppl) 6:16:37 AM: Less than 10 hours I’m back @ airport again. Dejavu b/c I’m wearing same outfit as last night AFTER I washed them. Yes, I’m wearing wet bras
6:24:04 AM: Blonde lady is wearing jacket w fur, the famous Hermes purse, matching Cartier bracelet, watch & ring. I hope she’s not going 2 BlogHer10…
9:38:04 AM: Ah NYC! Every time I arrived, I got disoriented b/c it felt so familiar. Parts of it remind me much of parts in Taipei. The chaos. The smell
10:13:20 AM: This city is full of buzz. I feel my whole being is vibrating as soon as the plane flew into it http://twitpic.com/2c4syx
10:16:32 AM: I am here @ blogher10 after waiting 1 year. I am having panic attack. I just want to hide in my room. http://twitpic.com/2c4tym
10:18:23 AM: I’ve been holding my breath since I registered last year, half expecting something to happen to prevent this trip. Now I’m here I’m scared.
10:20:43 AM: Great time for my personna #3 Closeted Introvert to show up now. Ugh. You never outgrow social anxiety do you? Feels lk going 2 a new school
10:22:08 AM: I wonder whether I could just stay in my comfy room and just tweet to connect to the outside world. I should unpack now I guess…
11:09:21 AM: @BugginWord @avapidblonde @BrilliantSulk @forthebirdsblog came to my room to rescue me! I luv my ladies! Got my badge & heading 2 lunch now
12:33:14 PM: This panel is gorgeous. @mommywantsvodka want u to send her picture of your rash. Ok maybe not. http://twitpic.com/2c5ysl
2:05:43 PM: Even surrounded by ladies I luv online & now IRL, BlogHer still intimidates me. Not everybody is friendly & it’s awkward 2 explain who I am
2:07:25 PM: It’s different from other conferences where ppl tend to have more in common. There r all different kinds of ppl here, hard 2 keep my bearing
2:09:37 PM: The hardest was when someone gave the person standing right next 2 u her biz card but not you. I’m not offended. Just awkward. Need a drink!
2:14:21 PM: Eden Fantasys table outside of Sex panel. Free swag bag! My hub can't say I never bring him anything http://twitpic.com/2c6rol
2:25:46 PM: Blogher can be educational! @bugginword & @avapidblonde teaching us how to use the tool properly. http://twitpic.com/2c6v04
4:34:26 PM: Hanging with the ladies. Priceless! @BugginWord @avapidblonde @forthebirdsblog @BrilliantSulk luv u! http://twitpic.com/2c7uzn
7:10:51 PM: @bugginword @prgraffiti @ lunch today. bloggers who only write about vaginas http://twitpic.com/2c9551
7:10:54 PM: @ the vagina table w @bugginword & @prgraffiti. This is called Twatting apparently http://twitpic.com/2c955k
7:11:05 PM: @ Smores suite. Marshmallows w my besties. Those look lk balls? http://twitpic.com/2c957t
8:05:54 PM: All dressed up for the BlogHer gala. Woohoo! I'm so lucky 2 b surrounded by beautiful ppl inside out http://twitpic.com/2c9nba
8:07:56 PM: Yes. Women do check out each other's shoes. @avapidblonde @BrilliantSulk are rocking hot shoes http://twitpic.com/2c9o16
8:11:41 PM: I'll be honest… Well, you can tell fr the picture yourself. The gala weirdly turns into a karaoke? http://twitpic.com/2c9pak
9:26:43 PM: Balloons! We got balloons!! @theweirdgirl @BrilliantSulk @ #BlogHer10 Better than alcohol?! http://twitpic.com/2cafcv
9:28:14 PM: You know what balloons do to yur hair? Yup. Static! Let @BugginWord demonstrate for you #BlogHer10 http://twitpic.com/2cafxc
9:32:53 PM: After a year wait I finally met @TheBloggess in person. Even better that she stuck her tongue out http://twitpic.com/2cahlo
9:36:46 PM: You are not going to believe how gorgeous @TheBloggess & @avapidblonde look. Ok, you knew already… http://twitpic.com/2caj10
9:47:06 PM: I'm sure it's not normal for me to have such a crush on @TheBloggess. Suck it ppl. I'm tweeting mor http://twitpic.com/2camqf
9:58:22 PM: @TheBloggess read our aura & typing out things according to it. She looked so tired. She's so nice! http://twitpic.com/2caqs8
11:08:00 PM: We are trying to figure out how to use We Vibe @toywithme gave us. We have tried it on our head, neck, feet & hands. Great vibration!
12:28:08 AM: We are finally wrapping up the night. Here is @avapidblonde figuring out the bar bill 😉 #bloher10 http://twitpic.com/2cc7yk
1:02:13 AM: Walking @BrilliantSulk back 2 her hotel. The city is still alive. Problem is we r all walking around w We Vibe.
1:06:19 AM: This is at 2 fucking am! We are all dressed up & nobody gives us a second look.I luv new york city. http://twitpic.com/2ccjxa
I have been chosen to be one of the employees featured on the recruiting page for my company’s website. Not to be cynical, but I do believe that they intend to show the diversity within the company and that’s the main reason why I have been chosen: Asian, female, liberal arts.
So I had to write a short bio in the form of answering standard questions such as “Why did you decide to work for XXX?” (The answer I would have given if I were being 100% frank: Eh, because they hired me?) “What do you like the most of XXX?” (Eh, the fact that they did not fire me? In this economic climate, are you kidding me? Nobody should be complaining abut their company right now!)
I have standard responses to these standard questions of formality, naturally. However, there is ONE standard question that always throws me into a reality check and thereafter an identity crisis:
“What activities/hobbies are you involved in outside of work?”
I have no hobby.
Ok. That’s not completely true.
I have never had a hobby in my life. Other than reading and listening to music and watching movies. Yawn!
Anything that involves fingers I am bad at. Yes, smart ass, that includes giving a hand job to myself and others.
I sat down and took stock of my life, how I spent my free time. (Not) surprisingly, I have been devoting my free (and not so free) time to Social Media. Twitter and blogging.
In the beginning it did concern me: what am I trying to get out of this blogging thing? It naturally bothered my husband as well since the time I sat in front of the computer meant the time I was not spending with him and the kids. But he came to realize, as I did, that writing my heart out is a great way for me to self-medicate. It is a wonderful way for me to release to pent-up tensions. The bottled-up need for this closeted drama queen to say, “Look at me!”
For what it’s worth, at the risk of sounding like an egomaniac, this is also my “craft”. It is something that I created. Every time I rattle out these words and hit the “Publish” button, I “made” something. These words, for better or worse, are mine. And mine alone. It feels good. I have also learned to do this for myself. Me alone. It feels liberating once I drill that into my blogging soul.
As you are probably tired of hearing, I will be flying to BlogHer, a conference for women who blog. I am a blogger. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
For the next few days I will be live blogging here through my tweets: You can find the live blogging posts below right above this one. I thought it would be fun to share what I am seeing, feeling and thinking at this crazy crazy event. I hope to meet you if you are going to be there; I hope to meet all of you, if you would like to be met that is, one way or the other sometime. You never know. This is a small small world. And insane too.
Warning: The following is BUI – Blogging Under the Influence. Like, now.
I went to a company shindig tonight. Great people. Fun people. People that I have worked with for five years and with whom I have been through a lot. The company is celebrating a wonderful event and everybody is in a good mood. We feel that we have finally got to the point where we can say: This. This makes it all worth it.
The event was open bar. That means yours truly started drinking as soon as she set foot in the room and by 6:30 pm, I have already downed four glasses of cranberry with Grey Goose vodka. (Yes, I am fortunate enough to work for a very generous company…) This woman who happened to be by my side the whole time started saying, “Is that your fourth drink?” “That’s your fourth drink, isn’t it?” And she looked at me the way people look at you when they think you are drunk. (Come on, you know what I mean!) I reassured her that I was absolutely not drunk. That what she was seeing was the REAL ME. A little bit crazy. A little bit sassy. Very very friendly. Very very very flirty. Very very very very funny. And LOUD. She was not convinced the way people think you are definitely drunk when you protest and say “I am NOT drunk.”
No offense. But how the fuck did I get stuck with women? Young women. Women who are still on the market and therefore need to maintain a ladylike presence and continue to exclaim at my “bad” behaviors.
ETA (The morning after…) I have to tell you what happened just now (The morning after the company shindig) because it’s just priceless: I showed up at 8:30 am, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, ready for action (work-related). So the same woman who counted how many drink I’d had 30 minutes into the party? “Good morning! How are you feeling today?” In a way, you know, how people say it when they think you are having a massive hangover (For the record: I was not even drunk. Scout’s Honor. I drank 2 bottles of water and took 4 Advils before I went to bed. No hangover). Then she commented, “You have two kids right? You must not get out much.” Seriously? WTF?
All the men I work with know that I can hold my liquor very well. They may not want to admit it but I know they are impressed. They may be secretly pissed that I can drink more than they, but hey, they know it is the truth. And they don’t make a big deal out of it.
Can I tell you something? I love being one of the guys. I do. I love hanging out with them drinking. In college, I was never treated as a “girl”. I was their buddy. And I enjoyed every second of it.
At the end of the company shindig, the original plan was to continue the merrymaking somewhere else. The plan suffered a drastic blow when some guy who does not know me very well said, “Well, we are going some place to drink whiskey and stuff and probably do some ‘sexist’ things.” I had no idea what that meant but I was intrigued. Then one of the guys that I am pretty close to said, “It’s just a bunch of guys holding their penises and drinking whiskey!” You know what? I don’t care! I want to see them hold their penises and I’ll grow a penis and I’ll go!
But no. The womenfolk decided to go hang out at a different bar because we’d let men do what men do.
Huh?
So I ended up at a post-party party that’s not really a party and I was so fucking bored. Unfortunately for yours truly, I was also the oldest person there and I could not be interested in whatever they’re talking about. Half way through the torture of sitting at the table and nursing my seventh drink for the night, I went to the lady’s room to brush my hair. I was there for half an hour and I was happy. When I came out, I found that my “girlfriend” decided to play pool. In my mind, you only play pool when you are trying to impress guys with your nice behind when you stick it up in the air. Since I am happily married, I have no fucking interest in playing pool. So I left. I came back to the office and I am just sitting here, wishing fervently that I had a penis.
I will be heading to New York City on Friday morning to partake in the madness that is BlogHer. It strikes me as hilariously ironic that right before my trip to BlogHer, aka WOMEN GALORE, I am sitting here, hating myself for succumbing to the female peer pressure and staying with the “girls”. I wish I had said, “Sorry ladies. I am going with the guys because you ladies have some images to uphold and are not crazy enough for me!” Especially since it turned out that the invitation to go hold penises and drink whiskey was actually extended to me.
Instead I am sitting here in the deserted, dark office, blogging.
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE. Give me some crazy women to party with at BlogHer. Women who don’t care how they look to the others. Women who don’t tsk tsk at you because you are not being “proper”. Women who are not secretly embarrassed to be seen with you and are not doing a good job hiding it. Women who don’t count the number of your drinks.
I need some crazy biatches to party with me in New York City. ARE YOU LADIES CRAZY ENOUGH?!
By the way, in case you are wondering whether I am a traitor to my sex. No ladies. It’s really just a vent above really. I don’t really want a penis. And I love shoes. In fact, I freak out about shoes once in a while. And like most, if not all, of you, I went overboard on the “shoe planning” front last week when I realized BlogHer is THIS FRIDAY AND SATURDAY!
What boxes? You mean these? Oh don't worry. I am returning most of them...
.
Fine. I will NOT be keeping them all. Party pooper!
2:59:29 PM: sayz: Crazy week ahead… How to keep my Tamagotchi alive? http://goo.gl/fb/74Hr6
3:00:14 PM: Let the live blogging begin!
3:02:08 PM: Here’s my schedule starting this Saturday: Camping till Mon. Tue 6 am flight out on biz trip. Back Thur evening. Friday 7 am flt 2 NYC. Nuts
3:12:16 PM: Thought I’d try out Twitter update. BECAUSE I naturally assume that y’all want to know what’s going on in my life. EVERY SECOND. #Egomaniac
3:14:19 PM: Camping trip will prove to be hilarious also as I hate the outdoors. There, I said it. It’s not even b/c I am hip. I am just lame and lazy.
3:24:59 PM: Did I break Twitter? Again?
3:25:49 PM: Hey @forthebirdsblog you are now in my blog post! “I am in a blog post. Look again. The liquid bread is now diamonds” #OldSpice
3:27:35 PM: Thank you @forthebirdsblog for being my confused guinea pig. ^_^
3:30:29 PM: Liquid bread is a good call, @forthebirdsblog. But “Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue.” Vodka? STAT & keep it running
3:34:51 PM: Wax on. Wax off. Now off. This liveblogging session is now off. Thank you. Bye. See you. Hello? Hello? Are you still there? Anybody?
