“Incongruity Detected” is a term I learned from this laugh-out-funny post from Hyperbole and a Half, the girl with the indomitable spirit who makes hilarious illustrations for her blog posts with MS Paint. That post of hers is titled “Expectations vs. Reality“.

 

 

Oh boy, did that post strike a cord within the deepest recess of my being.

Sometimes I think I come off as Unnecessarily Humble because I am an ultimate narcissist: I am so awesome that I can afford to show humility of a pathological degree.

Yeah. That.

You see, inside my head, I live a different life than reality. It’s like I have my own personal Matrix.

I watch people dance on TV or in the movies, I visualize myself doing the exact same graceful movements. I tap my feet. I sway my upper body (’cause I am a Couch Dancer). I’ve got rhythm. I get so swept away by my mental image that I am convinced IF I stand up now I’ll be able to do JUST THAT.

It’s the same with singing. Inside my head, not only could I sing I’ll Always Love you, I could carry that high note to the very end. I stopped believing in that when I actually opened my mouth once and lived with a sore throat (= strained vocal cord muscle) for the next three days. Ok, admittedly I am not Whitney Houston. But I can sing like Eartha Kitt, inside my head. Low. Husky. Raspy. Yes, inside my head I have a low, husky and raspy voice. I mean, if I have trouble hitting the high notes, it has got to be because I have a husky voice, right? There is no other explanation. By the way, since we are going down this road, let me just point out that inside my head, I can also slink across the piano like Eartha Kitt. Oozing seduction.

I can if I just try.

So when Neil over at Citizen of the Month announced the Fifth Annual Blogger Christmalhijrahanukwanzaakah Online Holiday Concert, I thought I’d just go ahead and perform one of my favorite Christmas songs, Santa Baby. I even used the Web Cam… The result?

Incongruity Detected.

Fine. I cannot be sexy and seductive like Eartha Kitt. You know, sometimes inside my head I can sing like Zooey Deschanel. Ok. I thought I’d change the plan and sing one of my favorite winter-themed songs, Baby It’s Cold Outside. Leon Redbone has such a low and resonant voice, next to him, inside my head, I sound absolutely dainty and innocent and adorable.

So if you ever wonder what happened to me: I don’t write. I don’t read your posts. I don’t comment. I don’t visit. I don’t even reply to your comments on my own friggin’ blog. I was consumed in an epic battle between Reality and Fantasy.

I waited every night until the kids were asleep. I sang. Again and again. I tried singing in the bathroom to get the acoustics going. I stole the microphone from Wii to see whether it would make a difference. I used the toy “microphone amplifier” that we got for $1 at Target. I sang standing up. I sang sitting down. I drank hot tea incessantly to calm my overworked throat (yeah, I was not doing it right I know). I needed to pee every five minutes as a result. I did not go to bed until after 3 am for at least three nights in a row.

I ended up recording myself singing the same song on my iPhone 50+ times.

Incongruity Detected. Every single friggin’ time.

Finally after midnight on the day of the submission deadline, I was so exhausted, actually falling asleep when I was listening to the playbacks, I had to make a judgement call and come to grip with reality: Ain’t gonna sound like Zooey Deschanel. Better cut my losses and be done with it.

So here it is, despite the Incongruity Detected (and I figure that you don’t care since you are not inside my head), for your viewing pleasure (oh, yes, I added visual goodies to make my singing bearable. Hint: Think “Cold. Pussy.”):  My performance at the Fifth Annual Blogger Christmalhijrahanukwanzaakah Online Holiday Concert.

Why, you ask, do I wish to humiliate myself if I am so devastated by the Incongruity Detected?

Eh. Please see Paragraph 3.

Please do check out the actual concert, especially since Elly @ BugginWord (another girl with the indomitable spirit) performed at the concert too!

My thanks to A Vapid Blonde, 20 Prospect, Tomatoes on the Vine, and Laura @ Hey What’s For Dinner Mom for providing pictures that without a doubt are improving the sales of hot chocolate.