The following is a collection of jokes emailed to me by more than one of my girlfriends. It warms my heart whenever I see these jokes spread like wild fires: I know, I am not alone. And it comforts me. It gives me strength to ignore the gloating from the bitches who claim that their husbands help around the house on a regular basis. Sometimes, they even IRON! If you are one of those lucky bitches gals, good for you. Now go watch your husband iron. For the rest of us, I share with you the jokes that elicit both laughter and tears within me, because of the grain of truth.
The Why’s of Men
1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
because they are plugged into a genius.
2. WHY DON’T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
because they don’t have enough time.
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
because they don’t stop to ask directions.
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock.
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
so they won’t hump women’s legs at cocktail parties.
6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
because you need a rough draft before you make a final copy.
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
don’t know…..it never happened.
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
because a vibrator can’t mow the lawn.
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One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me,
“What setting do I use on the washing machine?”
“It depends,” I replied. “What does it say on your shirt?”
He yelled back, “University of Oklahoma…”
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A couple are lying in bed…
The man says,
“I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.”
The woman replies,
“I’ll miss you…”
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“It’s just too hot to wear clothes today,” Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, “honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?”
“Probably that I married you for your money,” she replied.
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Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder ‘Instruction Manual.’
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Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I’ll beat him to death.
AMEN.
p.s. I guess I am a sexist. The reverse sexist.
p.p.s. Since I came out and “ownded” it, I therefore get a free pass, right?! I LOVE being a bitch!
p.p.s. I can’t help it, I have to sneak this in: Do you think it is possible to be a reverse sexist? That jokes like this are sexist? That jokes like these incite violence against men? (Ok, ok. Elin Nordegren beat Tiger Woods because he was snacking. A lot. From a multitude of takeout restaurants…) You know, that it is legitimate for a man to complain that he fails to get a job, a promotion, college admission because the slot was given to a woman? That because something like that may have happened to him, or a friend’s friend, it is a proof that reverse sexism exists institutionally? I wonder how much someone’s thoughts on / feelings about this are aligned with his/hers for reverse racism?
Tagged as:
funny haha,
sarcastic bitches rock
