Whenever I wear a hat, in my mind, I see myself doing this when i take the hat off…
But in reality, I look like this, of course…
I wore a hat to work this morning…
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Tag Archives: “Incongruity Detected”
Fall
Pumpkin spice latte is back!
I am not ashamed to admit that every year I look forward to the arrival of fall because of this.
I have been waiting for fall... partly because of this.
You have heard this a million and one times, I am sure. But fall really is my favorite season.
Despite the annoying process of reorganizing my clothes and shoes according to the change in season. This year I think I am going to be honest with myself and get rid of the pile of clothes that I have mentally labeled as “Keep for when I am back to my pre-kid weight”. If it has not happened yet after thirteen years, it probably ain’t gonna happen.
I went to bed at almost 4 am and when I woke up at 8, I still had Amy Winehouse on my mind. Her voice is haunting.
I need to make a confession: (Because it is funny in a tragic, pathetic kind of way. And also because I believe somewhere out there, someone is going to read this and go, “O.M.G. I thought I was the only one that did that! I can now finally stop feeling guilty!”. Or so I hope. You are welcome. And feel free to pretend so I feel better about the whole thing and can finally stop feeling guilty. Thank You!)
Last Wednesday, I took my usual 6:30 train home and when I got into my car and started driving towards the TKD school to pick up Mr. Monk, it was already 7:15. I had been listening to, yes, sorry, here she is again, Amy Winehouse on repeat, when the screen on my phone flashed, indicating an incoming call. It was not a number that I knew so I decided to ignore it. I mean, who actually calls people now, right?
Here is the thing: whenever I listen to music, I get lost in it. I really really do. That’s probably the point of good music to begin with, and probably happens to everybody so yeah you are probably smirking. But I mean I forget everybody else. Including my kids. I forget that I am a mother. A wife. A cog in the machine. I am just me. Enveloped in the sound and the beat. Me alone with myself. In my mind, I am doing all sorts of interpretive dance to the music, often in a way BEFORE incongruity is detected.
When the phone “rang” (how many phones nowadays that still actually ring?) for the third time, I decided to answer it.
“Mom?”
“Who’s this?” I actually forgot that I have a kid.
“It’s me.”
“Who?”
“Name withheld for protection.”
Oh, right. My son. My youngest child.
Oh shit. Something must have happened since TKD did not end till 7:30. Any time you get a phone call from your child, there is trouble at hand. They don’t really call you just to find out how you are doing until they become parents themselves.
“Where are you?! What happened?!”
“I am at gymnastics.”
At this moment I became completely disoriented because my oldest is the one that has gymnastics practices. Did I get my children mixed up? What’s happening to me?
“Why are you at gymnastics?” I was genuinely confused.
“You told me to come find brother if you don’t show up at the choir practice…”
I had completely forgotten that he had choir practice every Wednesday and I was supposed to pick him up at 6:45 pm. At 6:45 pm, I was still on the train! Just like that. Forgot about my child. A black hole opened up in my memory and he fell through it.
The feeling that you have in your gut when you suddenly realize you have forgot to pick up your child from somewhere?
“Incongruity Detected”
“Incongruity Detected” is a term I learned from this laugh-out-funny post from Hyperbole and a Half, the girl with the indomitable spirit who makes hilarious illustrations for her blog posts with MS Paint. That post of hers is titled “Expectations vs. Reality“.
Oh boy, did that post strike a cord within the deepest recess of my being.
Sometimes I think I come off as Unnecessarily Humble because I am an ultimate narcissist: I am so awesome that I can afford to show humility of a pathological degree.
Yeah. That.
You see, inside my head, I live a different life than reality. It’s like I have my own personal Matrix.
I watch people dance on TV or in the movies, I visualize myself doing the exact same graceful movements. I tap my feet. I sway my upper body (’cause I am a Couch Dancer). I’ve got rhythm. I get so swept away by my mental image that I am convinced IF I stand up now I’ll be able to do JUST THAT.
It’s the same with singing. Inside my head, not only could I sing I’ll Always Love you, I could carry that high note to the very end. I stopped believing in that when I actually opened my mouth once and lived with a sore throat (= strained vocal cord muscle) for the next three days. Ok, admittedly I am not Whitney Houston. But I can sing like Eartha Kitt, inside my head. Low. Husky. Raspy. Yes, inside my head I have a low, husky and raspy voice. I mean, if I have trouble hitting the high notes, it has got to be because I have a husky voice, right? There is no other explanation. By the way, since we are going down this road, let me just point out that inside my head, I can also slink across the piano like Eartha Kitt. Oozing seduction.
I can if I just try.
So when Neil over at Citizen of the Month announced the Fifth Annual Blogger Christmalhijrahanukwanzaakah Online Holiday Concert, I thought I’d just go ahead and perform one of my favorite Christmas songs, Santa Baby. I even used the Web Cam… The result?
Incongruity Detected.
Fine. I cannot be sexy and seductive like Eartha Kitt. You know, sometimes inside my head I can sing like Zooey Deschanel. Ok. I thought I’d change the plan and sing one of my favorite winter-themed songs, Baby It’s Cold Outside. Leon Redbone has such a low and resonant voice, next to him, inside my head, I sound absolutely dainty and innocent and adorable.
So if you ever wonder what happened to me: I don’t write. I don’t read your posts. I don’t comment. I don’t visit. I don’t even reply to your comments on my own friggin’ blog. I was consumed in an epic battle between Reality and Fantasy.
I waited every night until the kids were asleep. I sang. Again and again. I tried singing in the bathroom to get the acoustics going. I stole the microphone from Wii to see whether it would make a difference. I used the toy “microphone amplifier” that we got for $1 at Target. I sang standing up. I sang sitting down. I drank hot tea incessantly to calm my overworked throat (yeah, I was not doing it right I know). I needed to pee every five minutes as a result. I did not go to bed until after 3 am for at least three nights in a row.
I ended up recording myself singing the same song on my iPhone 50+ times.
Incongruity Detected. Every single friggin’ time.
Finally after midnight on the day of the submission deadline, I was so exhausted, actually falling asleep when I was listening to the playbacks, I had to make a judgement call and come to grip with reality: Ain’t gonna sound like Zooey Deschanel. Better cut my losses and be done with it.
So here it is, despite the Incongruity Detected (and I figure that you don’t care since you are not inside my head), for your viewing pleasure (oh, yes, I added visual goodies to make my singing bearable. Hint: Think “Cold. Pussy.”): My performance at the Fifth Annual Blogger Christmalhijrahanukwanzaakah Online Holiday Concert.
Why, you ask, do I wish to humiliate myself if I am so devastated by the Incongruity Detected?
Eh. Please see Paragraph 3.
Please do check out the actual concert, especially since Elly @ BugginWord (another girl with the indomitable spirit) performed at the concert too!
My thanks to A Vapid Blonde, 20 Prospect, Tomatoes on the Vine, and Laura @ Hey What’s For Dinner Mom for providing pictures that without a doubt are improving the sales of hot chocolate.