Tag Archives: OMG! I am so easily amused!

Missing a hole here

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I woke up to a bad allergy attack this morning:

runny nose
sneezing
itchy, watery eyes
itching of the nose or throat

p.s. I just copied that litany from the back of my bottle of Zyrtec.

I’ve got them all. As I was using up the last tissue from the giant Kleenex box, I was contemplating tweeting about it. (Yes, I do compose tweets in my head as I go about my daily business. Shut up! Don’t tell me you don’t. Liar!)

Something to the fact of:

Bad allergy! Every hole on my face has liquid coming out of it!

I slay myself sometimes.

This imaginary tweet reminded me of the common Chinese phrase for describing a brutal death (e.g. from poisoning or from a freakishly ginormous renegade Shaolin monk clapping his Thunderous Fists over your ears in a mortal combat) :

Bleeding from seven holes   七孔流血*

Here is an illustration:

This guy is dying from Psychic Powers.

PSA: Do NOT search for images with keywords “七孔流血” or worse, “nose bleed manga” at work.  It is like a codeword for “Show me pornographic images please”. Srly, people? The above is like the only image not involving a scantily-clad lass.

Since I am such a math geek (Har har) I automatically counted out the seven holes (and I swear I did not point my fingers to my body parts as I did this…)

My two eyes
My two ears.
My nose.
My mouth.

Hey, that’s only SIX. WTF? So I started thinking of other holes there could be…

Oh.
No.
Could it be that?
No…?
Or that?
Hmmmm.

Then it hit me. Of course! There are TWO nostrils. Duh.

As I opened up a new box of Kleenex, I thought to myself, “I am sucking more and more at being Chinese. And you people really have a bad influence on me!”

—The End—

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* Google Translate is so awesome! I typed in “Bleeding from seven holes” and it presented the exact phrase! I *heart* you Google Translate even though you say dumb things sometimes…

Moon Struck

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I have witnessed history tonight (or last night). I reveled in the glory that was the Super Harvest Moon.

According to NASA, on September 22, 2010,

For the first time in almost 20 years, northern autumn is beginning on the night of a full Moon. The coincidence sets the stage for a “Super Harvest Moon”…

Northern summer changes to fall on Sept. 22nd at 11:09 pm EDT. At that precise moment, called the autumnal equinox, the Harvest Moon can be found soaring high overhead with the planet Jupiter right beside it. The two brightest objects in the night sky will be in spectacular conjunction to mark the change in seasons.

.This also means that yesterday was Mid-Autumn Festival for Chinese, the second most important holiday arguably after Chinese New Year. Did I remember it? Of course not. I really suck at being Chinese… So I made it up by trying to capture the image of Super Harvest Moon for posterity.

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This picture taken with my iPhod. Amazingly clear.

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Can you see the “spur” of light below the moon? That is Jupiter. Neither can I. Sorry. You just have to take my word for it: Jupiter was there. Right underneath the moon. It was so bright that I kept on asking Mr. Monk, “Are you sure it’s not an airplane? It is not moving?”

Sorry if it looks like a bullet hole on a piece of black canvas.

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This time I tried to take a picture with my Blackberry

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You can see why Blackberry is just not as sexy as iPhones…

This picture of the moon unfortunately reminds me of something that rhymes with one of the planets. Or it is calling my name to go through the tunnel. Maybe both at the same time. It is kind of disturbing to say the least…

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Since my Nikon failed me, I used my Flip video to capture the glory of the moon

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It annoyed me to no end that my Nikon completely failed me. Most likely user error but I am blaming it on the machine, like most callers to IT Help Lines.

When I remembered that I could use my video cameras for the job, the clouds came. So now Freddy Krueger can pop into the frame at any second. I get dizzy staring at this picture. Am I in a nightmare already? (3:41 am already? Yup. Better be in a nightmare otherwise I’ll have hell to pay tomorrow morning at 6 am when the alarm goes off…)

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A la Monet

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This one took the longest time to produce: I first used my Casio digital to capture a 7-second video of the night sky. I wanted to post it on my Facebook and be done with the whole thing but Facebook said it would take 76 hours to upload the file.

16.6 MB for 7 seconds of footage. Srly?

I ended up taking a screenshot of my laptop as the video was playing. Opened up Visio. Ctrl+V to paste the picture into Visio. Cropped the picture and saved it into a JPG file. Viola! Here you have a grainy picture of the moon, covered by dark clouds.

I expect either fiddlers to start showing up from the other side of the roof or the ghost of Catherine Earnshaw to materialize in this picture.

Super Harvest Moon has come and gone. The next one won’t be here till 2029. (The thought of how old I will be… STOP! BRAIN! Don’t even go there! Where was I?) Welcome Autumn because this means we can finally put up Halloween decorations and apple cider donuts are now officially in vogue.

I am going to bed. BUT not before I make it up to you by leaving you with this Harvest Moon in its finest…

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How to Talk to People (Now with Visual Aids)

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“7 magical conversational phrases”

I came across this article the other day on Match.com. (Eh. Don’t ask WHY I was on Match.com… That hot sexy blonde whose picture is winking at ya? Yup. That’s my profile: I used a picture I took of A Vapid Blonde… Now you know. People LIE about these things…)

It immediately caught my attention. I sure could use some help in social situations, and these are promised to be “magical”!

Smart phrase #1: “Tell me more about it”

Smart phrase #2: “What are the reasons for your opinion?”

Smart phrase #3: “I never thought of it that way”

Smart phrase #4: “That must have upset you”

Smart phrase #5: “How did it go?”

Smart phrase #6: “You are a really generous person”

Smart phrase #7: “I really admire that” or “That takes courage. I admire that.”

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As I read through the article, without much snickering, I became worried about the possibility that when the needs arise, I may not remember these 7 magical spells under duress. I remembered the days when I was trying to educate my kids the art of correctly using the alphabet: Yes. Flash cards work wonders, and visualization is the key to the mythical depth of human memory vault.

Here are the 7 visualizations to help me, and now you too, memorize these 7 magical conversational phrases and be the life of the party next time you are caught in one of those social occasions.

You are welcome.

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Magical Phrase #1: Tell me more about it!

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Magical Phrase #2: What are the reasons for your opinion?

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Magical Phrase #3: I never thought of it that way

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Magical Phrase #4: That must have upset you!

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Magical Phrase #5: How did it go?

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Magical Phrase #6: You are a really generous person

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Magical Phrase #7: I really admire that. I do!

Happy VCNYAHS Day!

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February 14.

One of the Hallmark Holiday is celebrated on this day.

It also happens to be the day Anna Howard Shaw was born. Ms. Shaw was a leader of the women’s suffrage movement and a physician nonetheless. In the 19th century. A female physician. Imagine that.

Liz Lemon on 30 Rock dared to lead the movement to displace Valentine’s Day by shouting “Happy Anna Howard Shaw Day!” and I am sorely tempted to follow her lead…

(Watch the best episode of 30 Rock, in fact arguably the best “Valentine’s Day” episode in the TV Sitcom history so far, imo, “Anna Howard Shaw Day”…)

… IF it were not for the Valentine’s Day “card” I received from Mr. Monk…

"No matter how much you are stressed out I still love you"

So… In the spirit of Valentine’s Day, this is the card I really really would love to give to Mr. because I am a truth seeker…

Turns out, the card goes both ways... (Courtesy of Marcy @ "The Glamorous Life")

This year, February 14 also happens to be the Chinese New Year Day. The Chinese operated (and still do to a large extent) by the lunar calendar which makes a lot of sense if you are (or have been) an agriculture-based society and your livelihood depends on knowing the climate and weather and minor things like that.

Happy Chinese New Year!

Here is wishing you all a

Happy ValentineChineseNewYearAnnaHowardShaw Day!!!

p.s. Now raise your hand if the thought of The Year of Tiger makes you start humming Eye of the Tiger… If you weren’t… You are welcome!

Don’t say I didn’t warn you…

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I was thinking since I am all over the map going from warm fuzzy pictures of my kids smiling like angels to crazy ass inappropriate jokes and cursing to crazy ass all-out ranting on people/events/things that piss me off. I either have ADHD or Bi-Polar, I realized, or as my husband would gladly tell you, “Insane in the Membrane”. I was thinking, perhaps I should create a Warning System for my blog.

Straight from Homeland Security

Don't you wish there is such a system for everything in life?



I really like how Homeland Security did the color coded chart because, as we all know, homo sapiens (“Not that there’s anything wrong with it.”) are visual animals. Really, when I see the ORANGE color at the airport, I become appreciative and understanding of the 1-hour wait at the security line. When disaster strikes, nothing is going to get my fat ass moving faster than seeing a RED flag waving in the air.

Won’t it be cool if I have a Warning System for this blog, before you start reading a post, you would know what to expect:

Blog Advisory System: Don't say I didn't warn you!

Blog Advisory System: Don't say I didn't warn you!



Of course, after an hour of working on my Blog Advisory system, I realized that no Advisory System is going to reach the goal of MECE: Mutually Exclusive and Collectively Exhaustive. Mock ye not. This is something the McKinsey & Co. consultants live and die by. And they get paid big bucks for being anal retentive. No shit. For instance, it worries me that the heartless dicks and grouchiest bitches amongst you will need a special warning such as this one:

Danger Ahead

lolCAT

Well, like I said, don’t say that I didn’t warn you…

The Internet has changed forever what we take pictures of…

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… even more so now that Smart Phones are becoming ubiquitous. For the better… or for the worst?

To a certain extent it has changed WHEN and WHERE we take pictures. The way we interpret the world. The way we caption the things we see. Now every snap shot that comes through my daily life deserves demands a caption of its own. A running commentary, subtitle of some sort.

Got to go?

Got to go?



Need a job?

Need a job?



Bookstores are fun!

Bookstores are fun!



"Mom, that's you!" "Awww. You guys..."

"Mom, that's you!" "Awww. You guys..."



Sarah Palin's new movie?

Sarah Palin's new movie?

How pumpkin pies are made…

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Happy Thanksgiving!



Thanksgiving has not been forgotten. Well, sort of...

Thanksgiving has not been forgotten. Well, sort of...



Well, yeah, you have to click on this thing below that says “click to continue…” to find out how pumpkin pies are made…

Ready?

Ok.

Are you sure you want to know?

Ok. Fine. Don’t say I didn’t warn you…

"How pumpkin pies are made" What do you expect?

"How pumpkin pies are made"* What do you expect?



You are welcome.

* This is one of those “Internet Memes” that have been emailed around. I do not claim any credit for the wit and skills involved in answering this specific mystery (Mystery #2854) in life.

Bohemian Rhapsody. The Muppets Style. You complete me.

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Laugh all you want. But my one favorite song, if I have to pick, is seriously Bohemian Rhapsody. I am a walking cliche, I know. I can listen to it over and over again all day long. Thanks to the invention of the Internet (Thank you, Al Gore! <– This is a repetitive trope here), I can now watch and listen to all different renditions of this song.

On this Thanksgiving, I AM THANKFUL FOR YOUTUBE, despite the existence of Charlie the Unicorn…

My favorite has been the performance in 2003 by UC Men’s Octet. Yup. Bohemian Rhapsody a cappella. How awesome is that? (You can see the video of this oldie but still goodie at the end of this post).

Now the Muppet Studio just posted on YouTube on November 23, yup, that’s yesterday, the HD version of the Muppets gang doing Bohemian Rhapsody. How awesome is THAT?!

Note to Self: Need to find a different word than “awesome” to describe things that excite me lest I be mistaken for a high school gal… On the other hand, it may be a sign of my ultimate Americanness... Awesome.

I had to do a Stop the Presses! thing and bring this to you right away, my imaginary friends. Enjoy.

Word of the Day: Disguise

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“The secret agent is in disguise.”  The caption of the picture says.

Word of the Day: Disguise

(No, I didn’t draw the picture. My 6 year old did).

I thought I’d use this picture to comment on the following pictures:

Baking

These pictures were meant for a post on how I was trying to be the Best Mom in the World and gave in to Mr. Monk’s plea that we make an apple pie right after our trip to an apple orchard on a Sunday night, how I for a fleeting moment thought I’d been missing a lot of opportunities to build childhood memories with/for my children by not cooking/baking on a regular basis, how I was impressed that he was so meticulous when he was doing THAT thing along the side of the pie crust with the fork (What is it called again?), how the pie ended up being a disaster “Not as good as Baker Square. Maybe we should just get our pies there from now on…”, how I learned the true meaning of “The journey of getting there is more important than the destination aka pie”, and how I wanted to strangle my kids when they refused to eat the pie because “Mom! You know we don’t like apple pies. When have you seen us eating an apple pie?”

Just be patient please. I am getting to my point. *cough cough*

Like many parents, I struggle with whether to put the pictures of my children on the Internet and how, and how much or how little to share. So as you can see, here is my pathetic attempt to disguise the identity of my son by taking pictures only of his “profile” and by covering up his name that’s on the apron.

I looked at these pictures again today and I had to admit that the attempt was not only lame but hypocritical. Maybe not hypocritical, but I would definitely label it as self-contradictory. Definitely half-assed.

Secret agent man.




p.s. I was relieved when I realized he was trying to write “Train 88” and not “Tehran 88“. I don’t think I can deal with a 6-year-old that follows Middle Eastern politics and histories. Don’t get me wrong, I would be very proud of him, but I don’t think I would be equipped with the necessary breadth and width of knowledge to explain the complexities…