What it feels like to grieve

April 25, 2017

in therapy in session

I miss my mom. I miss my dad too. Both of them gone in less than one year. I learned in this past year, and more acutely, in the past month, that to grieve is to isolate yourself. We are each alone in our grief.

It’s a cliche but I did not realize that your heart can actually hurt from missing someone so much. Wishing so much.

It’s the wishing that hurts. Wishing so hard that your entire being start to contract, to collapse upon itself. A hole forms. The wishing does not stop and you are turned inside out. 

You have no control over when the fact hits you: when you’re waiting for the red light to turn; when you are standing on the checkout line at the store; when you’re walking to the subway station. When the waves of profound sadness hits you, you need to pause to take a breath. It’s a different kind of sadness, different from the kind that makes you cry. It’s deep like the ocean.

No, let me try again.

It’s like when you get hit by a giant wave and you go under the water. For a split second, it feels like you’re enveloped in a vacuum. Your descent soundless. The absolute quietness around you almost calming. For that split second, your eyes are wide open and you can see clearly. And you think to yourself, “I’m ok.” Then, you gasp for air.

 

 

 

{ 4 comments }

Meg April 25, 2017 at 5:59 pm

I keenly feel the loss of my Dad even after 7 years. I still think he’s coming for dinner some holidays… it’s odd when it hits you at the unexpected times. Thanks for sharing.

Absence Alternatives April 25, 2017 at 9:54 pm

Thank you. I’m so sorry for your loss. There’s no timeline for this process is there? Xo

Dufmanno April 25, 2017 at 6:19 am

This freight train level of sadness and loss hasn’t hit me yet because I’ve not experienced something as profound as the exit of my parents. I imagine you have to live it to truly understand . I hope the weight of the whole thing lessens for you as time goes by but in the meantime I want to give you a big hug.
Dufmanno┬┤s last blog post…One Week, Three Kids, Two Dogs and a Squirrel That is Clearly Mocking us

Absence Alternatives April 25, 2017 at 9:49 am

Thank you. At work they were kind and generous. I was told to take all the time I need. The truth is though it would take a lifetime, and I am not crying the entire time. I laugh. I joke. I do and enjoy fun things. It’s a very strange coexistence. I’ll be using this as a therapy. There’s so much that’s happened in the past year. I need to wrap my mind around it in order to walk out of it.

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