Wig Out

40 Replies

I took a nap today from 2 pm to 4 pm.

(Wait. Let me jot down the date for today. On October 17, I TOOK A 2-FUCKING-HOUR NAP, RELATIVELY UNINTERRUPTED, AND WOKE UP ON MY OWN!!!)

When I woke up, I was completely disoriented because I thought it was morning. At first I was confused, then I went into a panic: I thought I had overslept. This seems to happen every time I (get to) take a nap: I need an hour to recover from the grogginess, not to mention the residual memory of the said panic attack. Sometimes I am not sure it is worth it.

The house was absolutely quiet when I stepped outside the bedroom. The kids were outside playing, I remembered them whispering in my ear, asking for permission when I was sleeping. Strewn on the floor were the wig called “70s Dude” and the John-Lennon-esque sunglasses my 7-year-old “Mr. Monk” just got from the annual trip to the (overpriced and crappy-quality) Mega Halloween Costume Shop. I thought, “Why not?”

.

The Bloggess was right: Wigs rock!

.

I screamed when I turned around and saw Mr. Monk quietly sitting in front of the computer.

“I didn’t know you’re home.”

“Is that my wig?”

Should I be concerned that he was completely unfazed by my behavior?

All of a sudden I heard a commotion: my 7th grader and his friends were running across our backyard, passing the open windows and barreling towards the back door. I pulled the wig and the sunglasses off right before they came in sight. I smirked as I remembered this line from Sara Gruen’s Water For Elephants (one of the books sitting on my nightstand and inside bathrooms which I hopefully will be able to finish by the end of this year)

Keeping up the appearance of having all your marbles is hard work but important.

.

.

I actually tried on several wigs when we were at the said Mega Halloween Shop Stuffed With Mass-Produced Crap. In fact, I believe I tried on ALL of the non-blonde wigs they had: Elvira, Rebel Witch, Lolita, Hot Pink, Flapper Girl, Shirley Dimples, Sexy’n’Trashy, French Kiss Cheyene, Seductress, 60s Babe, Sultry, Punk Girl, Glamour, Madam Destiny.

Here’s the thing. My kids tried to talk me out of every single one. They must have found it unnerving. In fact, I KNEW they found it unnerving and that was why I stayed away from the blonde wigs. Mr. Monk kept on wanting me to try on the wig called “Mom” because

“That’s you. You are a mom!”

My 12-year-old tried to steer me towards the BLACK wigs.

“You should try this one. Or that one.” he pointed to the Egyptian Princess wig and Sassy Black Wig. Finally after the third pink wig that I asked for his opinion on, he said, “You really should just stick with a black wig, you know, because it does not look out-of-place.”

Yes, clearly, they did not understand the concept of Halloween when it came to their own mother.

And yes, though I am not proud to admit it, I sulked. I swallowed an entire speech right then and there and suggested that it’s time we check out and head home.

As we passed by the “Asian” aisle (labeled as so), the 12-year-old pointed out the wall with various geisha, China girl, Far Eastern girl costumes (black wigs included of course) “Mom, look! Yikes!” I turned towards him,

“Did you see? This was what I heard when you told me that I should stick with a black wig: A white woman can choose to be whoever she wants, having whatever color of hair she wants, whereas I have to stick with being Asian. With black hair.”

I sometimes feel very sorry for my children. “Other moms” don’t wig out over wigs, I bet.

.

.

This was the fortune I got today:

.

I once read that Fortune Cookie fortune writers have to strive to come up with messages that are neutral, offend no one and appeal to everyone.

What are the odds of this fortunate being “Absolutely not applicable – I am telling you honey, sweetie pie, no, I swear, this is just a stupid fortune, not going to come true, and of course I am not sad that it won’t come true” to whomever receives it.

40 thoughts on “Wig Out”

  1. Renee Fisher

    What a great observation from Wendy! Yes, a young John Lennon! And speaking of wigs (and hats): This 63 year old laughs herself into a coma by going out with friends and trying on hats and wigs. And I’n not talking Halloween, here. I think kids are too young to appreciate this highly sophisticated form of humor.
    Renee Fisher recently posted…I’ve Become A ClicheMy Profile

    Reply ↓
  5. Justine

    I’m visiting an out-of-town friend whose entire family’s invited to a Halloween party and so are we. I’m dreading it because I’m so not a Halloween person. I’ve never been excited by this holiday and I try to get into it for my family’s sake. But now that I’m “forced” to pick and wear a costume, I’m at a loss. I wouldn’t even know where to begin! Although now that you mentioned it, I may just look at wigs for some inspiration…
    Justine recently posted…Things that make you go hmm…My Profile

    Reply ↓
  6. Melme

    I’ve always wanted to buy a wig, but my parents instilled an intense fear of sharing anything head related from a young age so I’ve never even tried one on. Yay neurosis…

    Reply ↓
    1. Absence Alternatives Post author

      Ooops. Now I feel bad for trying on all those wigs. I should have told the poor girl who’s putting everything away AGAIN after I had put it away that I am disease free. I mean, as far as external head is concerned…

      Reply ↓
    1. Absence Alternatives Post author

      I can’t believe I clicked on the link you left. At work! LOL. From far away it would have been difficult to tell what it was, right?! 😉

      #Confession: I had to look the word Merkin up. I hope the repetitive use of this word in the comment section will help boost my keyword search hits. 🙂

      Reply ↓
  12. SisterMerryHellish

    To me it sounds like he just loves you too much to want to see you change much. While it’s ok for you to have fun and wear a wig he doesn’t want one that takes you too far from yourself, because he loves you how you are, not because he thinks you should stay away from anything but dark black wigs.

    You are so adorable! If I wore that wig I’d probably look like Chis Farley after a horrible dye job!
    SisterMerryHellish recently posted…The Birds and Bees Talk – Please Stop Pointing- Mom!My Profile

    Reply ↓
    1. Absence Alternatives Post author

      Thank you m’sweetum. That is a nice explanation. *smile*

      Wearing the wig definitely lowers the anxiety of getting my picture taken.

      Btw, Andrea wants to have the Sexy’n’Trashy look. Is there a YouTube tutorial for THAT?!

      Reply ↓
  13. Technobabe

    I used to wake up groggy from a nap too because my life used to be so darn busy and hectic. Now that I am “getting on in years”, and not working any longer, I can take a nap! Huh. I don’t take one every day, but when I do take a nap I can put my head on the pillow and fall asleep and wake up a half hour to an hour later and wake up quickly and go on with my life without it taking a couple cranky hours.
    Technobabe recently posted…Another New ExperienceMy Profile

    Reply ↓
    1. Absence Alternatives Post author

      LOL! If we put the two pieces of fortune together, some cosmic force will be released, the sun will turn into a big disco ball and the world will break out into a giant flash mob dancing to the tune of “Freak Out”.

      Didn’t know you are in MLPS. No wonder you miss your childhood home. ;-). Just kidding. MLPS is a nice place: vibrant arts scene, lots of local theatres.

      Reply ↓
      1. Tom G.

        Yes, MPLS is like an American Toronto. Seriously, when I moved here that’s the first thing I thought. Cold, clean, good schools, nice healthcare, lots of parks, lots of arts, music and theater. And Merkins, merkins, merkins, merkins, merkins, merkins, merkins, merkins, merkins, merkins, merkins, merkins, merkins, merkins…
        Tom G. recently posted…The Evolution of Social MediaMy Profile

        Reply ↓
  15. Catherine

    I love the photo (coming from someone who wears a beard and eyebrows)…..
    That situation could have happened just the same at my house with the exception that I wouldn’t have thought to take off the disguise when the kids came into view. I guess I must be missing a few too many marbles….sigh.

    I totally think you could have rocked a blond wig!
    Catherine recently posted…Lighten up for cryin’ out loudMy Profile

    Reply ↓
    1. Absence Alternatives Post author

      Even more Fan-freakin-tastic would be for all of us get together and wear wigs of neon colors, including our gentlemen friends. 😉

      Call it a piece of performance art. Oh god, I so want to go to the rally to restore sanity dressed as my avatar…

      Reply ↓
  17. MacDougal Street Baby

    To wig or not to wig? That really is the question. I’ve always been a supporter of any disguise that makes one look sexier and more daredevilish. I say go purchase one when you’re on your own. One that will completely knock your family off their rock. Perhaps this is where the fortune will come into play. I little role playing never hurt nobody.

    Reply ↓
    1. Absence Alternatives Post author

      Are you saying that by doing RPG I’ll actually be a new person so I would be able to fulfill the fortune without breaking my marital vows?! VERY WISE INDEED!!! (And where should my husb send the check to thank you for this? LOL)

      Reply ↓
  18. Andrea

    Oh I love the picture! And I want to know what the “Sexy’nTrashy” wig looks like. No reason.

    I have dark hair and medium skin, and I definitely would look odd in a blonde wig. Last year, I wore a blonde wig that had dark roots — much more realistic for a girl like me. 🙂 And the quote from Water for Elephants . . . yes, that is my life.

    Reply ↓

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

CommentLuv badge

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.