Arms akimbo in the land of lotus eaters

39 Replies

This paragraph from A Visit From the Goon Squad by Jennifer Egan, which won the 2010 National Book Critics Circle Award (ETA: AND the 2011 Pulitzer Prize!) for fiction, is one of the most hauntingly vivid descriptions of a marriage that I have ever read. At the same time the description sounds clinical, meticulous, it strikes me as one of the saddest things I have ever read.

 

Yet each disappointment Ted felt in his wife, each incremental deflation, was accompanied by a seizure of guilt; many years ago, he had taken the passion he felt for Susan and folded it in half, so he no longer had a drowning, helpless feeling when he glimpsed her beside him in bed: her ropy arms and soft, generous ass. Then he’d folded it in half again, so when he felt desire for Susan, it no longer brought with it an edgy terror of never being satisfied. Then in half again, so that feeling desire entailed no immediate need to act. Then in half again, so he hardly felt it. His desire was so small in the end that Ted could slip it inside his desk or a pocket and forget about it, and this gave him a feeling of safety and accomplishment, of having dismantled a perilous apparatus that might have crushed them both. Susan was baffled at first, then distraught; she’d hit him twice across the face; she’d run from the house in a thunderstorm and slept at a motel; she’d wrestled Ted to the bedroom floor in a pair of black crotchless underpants. But eventually a sort of amnesia had overtaken Susan; her rebellion and hurt had melted away, deliquesced into a sweet, eternal sunniness that was terrible in the way that life would be terrible, Ted supposed, without death to give it gravitas and shape. He’d presumed at first that her relentless cheer was mocking, another phase in her rebellion, until it came to him that Susan had forgotten how things were between them before Ted began to fold up his desire; she’d forgotten and was happy — had never not been happy — and while all of this bolstered his awe at the gymnastic adaptability of the human mind, it also made him feel that his wife had been brainwashed. By him.

 

I read this book over the winter holidays and till this day, I am still haunted by this passage. From time to time I would take this book off from the bookshelf, flip to this page and read this passage again, word by word, while caressing the rough edge on the side of the book as if it were an adequate substitute for human warmth.

Of course, per usual, I identify with the wrong character. I want to jump in and rescue Susan.

Wake up, Susan. Wake up. Remember what it was like. Remember what you were like. I want to give her a blog.

Here’s to being decidedly alive even if at the risk of being miserable. Here’s to kicking and screaming. Here’s to never be folded up into a tiny pocket.

Here’s to never forget.

 

This post is dedicated to a dear friend who is standing arms akimbo in defiance in the land of lotus eaters.

39 thoughts on “Arms akimbo in the land of lotus eaters”

  1. The Reason You Come

    Right after reading your post, before even writing this comment, I bought the book on Kindle. That passage was so heartbreaking! It made me all kinds of sad, but at the same time, it made me want to get my hands on that book.

    Beautiful! Thanks for helping me figure out what to read next.
    The Reason You Come recently posted…Our heaven- your sun- my moonMy Profile

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    1. Absence Alternatives Post author

      You are very welcome. Thank you for letting me know. This made me so happy. 🙂 Do let me know when you finish the book what you think of it. I hope though that all the hype around this book does not somehow ruin it for you. Kwim? xxoo

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  3. Justine

    “Here’s to being decidedly alive even if at the risk of being miserable. Here’s to kicking and screaming. Here’s to never be folded up into a tiny pocket.”

    Amen sister! Amen.

    And…blog on. Please.
    Justine recently posted…CoexistingMy Profile

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    1. absence of Alternatives

      Oh dear. I hope I have not ruined the book for youse. please do read the book. The paragraph I quoted is a very minor part of the book about an inconsequential character that only showed up in a short chapter. The book itself is not so depressing, and actually of all the books that I have read about lost youth I actually found the book quite uplifting. I am simply beside myself: I picked one book to read (yes *shame*) for a long while and it won the Pulitzer! Now all of you have to PAY me to read your books when you publish them one day. I am like a rabbit’s foot or something.

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  7. Nance

    Ah, there you are, my dear!

    This passage pains me, too. Makes me wonder if my husband did any folding. Makes me aware that, if he did, I failed utterly at the sunniness part and resorted to sarcastic feints. Makes me have to read the book.

    And–hear this now–makes me wish I had an anonymous blog. I’ve been wrestling with this, and, in this post of yours, I read a clarion call. I feel a blog post coming on about a blog post you wrote, about a blog post I wish I could write, and what it is about writing and the writer that shapes the outcome.
    Nance recently posted…Weathering DenialMy Profile

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  10. Wildology

    So, what about Ted?

    The paragraphs gives the impression that he has control over the folding…that he actually actively folds up his passion. What if that is not the case? What if he has no control over the emotional change and is just as frustrated and sad and resigned?

    Very moving.
    Wildology recently posted…How to eat Pickled Pig’s FeetMy Profile

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  13. Beka

    Boy, oh boy, is that a poignantly written passage. I too identify with Susan, but I have to say I empathize with Ted as well. It is hard in a long marriage not to let those “incremental deflation”s make you close yourself off little by little, fold your passion again and again until it’s too small to cause you any more hurt. It’s tremendously difficult and brave to remain open in the face of life’s small daily disappointments. I look forward to sharing this passage with my husband.
    Beka recently posted…Spring Is Springing Up EverywhereMy Profile

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  18. MacDougal Street Baby

    Sadly, I know many couples who live exactly like this. The emptiness that comes from an apathetic relationship can be excruciating. Bravo to anyone who stands in deviance.

    I’m really sorry for your friend. A blog might just be what she needs.

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  22. Naptimewriting

    I’m not sure how anyone could read that passage and *not* side with Susan. Why would we ever read the tidy, clinical, love diminisher as ourselves. It’s much more poignant to see ourselves in the one wronged, minimized, and brainwashed.

    Thanks for the addition to my reading pile. And here’s hoping your friend finds something amazing in tomorrow.
    Naptimewriting recently posted…Molehill- meet the mountain makersMy Profile

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