Category Archives: random

Yet another “I hate my job” post? No, really. You’ve got to read this one…

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I Hate My Job

This is the best “I Hate My Job!” post I have seen.  Found on Reddit.  Submitted by PreHack.  Read till the end:

“My job is so fucking unbelievable. I’ll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with:

First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on makeup. She is extremely self-centered and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself. She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe.

The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet. Her career opportunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10. I’m not sure she even showers, much less shaves her “womanly” parts. I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store, she moans like a cat in heat.

But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the fucking stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead. In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I’m sure after work. He probably hasn’t been sober anytime in the last ten years, and he’s only 22. He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960’s, and to make things worse, he brings his big fucking dog to work. Every fucking day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke. Hell, sometimes I even think it’s trying to talk with its constant bellowing. Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonalds and Burger King, every single fucking day.

Anyway, I drive these fucktards around in my van and we solve mysteries and shit.”

How do you know that this Ferris Wheel is not for the faint-of-heart?

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When there is a motion sickness bag inside each cart…

Don’t let the smiley Mickey Mouse on the Sun Wheel at California Adventure fool you. It is more like the Ferris Wheel of Doom, according to my 11 year-old boy who gladly rode California Screamin’ half a dozen times whenever we visited Disneyland. He rated Screamin’ as “Bor-ing” and the Sun Wheel as “OMG. It is the scariest thing I’ve been on!”

It would have been fine if there were NO instruction…

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I am completely confused by this ant bait by Walgreens. It should have been very simple, until I decided to read what the sticker says:

“This surface is TOP. Bottom should be placed against floor or stuck on wall.”

The problem is, according to the photo on the package, the bottom is supposed to be the top, and the TOP here, flat surface and therefore why the sticker is conveniently placed there, should be the bottom.

I started humming this Mother Goose rhyme after I was sufficiently confused and amused to take pictures of the Ant Bait. (I can’t believe I took pictures of Ant Bait procured from Walgreens!)

Oh, the grand old Duke of York,
he had ten thousand men,
he marched them up to the top of the hill,
and he marched them down again.

When they were up, they were up;
and when they were down, they were down;
and when they were only halfway up,
they were neither up nor down.

Will you marry me? If I propose to you at Taco Bell?

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Taco Bell has been putting clever (ok, some more than the others…)
sayings on their taco sauces for a while now. We often got a good
chuckle out of them. This one though is the first time I saw "will you
marry me?" on the package.

I have been wondering in what scenario will a girl be so elated when
she is being proposed at Taco Bell, with her mouth stuffed with rice
and beans? Perhaps a spontaneous moment would come when a young man
sees this and takes action? I guess that would be romantic.

Perchance the girl says yes, and they will celebrate with a passionate
kiss. Perhaps other patrons will even applaud, just like in the
movies…

Perhaps not.

>
>

In honor of the Bard’s birthday, prithee, we should channel Katharina from The Taming of the Shrew…

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Today (April 23) is William Shakespeare’s 445th birthday, and Chicago Mayor Richard Daly had proclaimed last week that today would be Talk Like Shakespeare Day in Chicago, since you know, the Second City is known for its high culture and all…

Of course today is the day I wish I had ordered “Shakespeare’s Insults“ : Fie on thee! I knew it would have come in handy one day!

The Chicago Shakespeare Theatre was more than happy to abide and set up the Talk Like Shakespeare website. Using the latest Internet sensation, who else? Twitter! they are even providing a translation service of some sort:

“A live feed straight from the Bard!” Tweet @ShakespeareSays any modern phrase, and he’ll post on Twitter what it would have sounded like four hundred years ago. Whoever is behind that, Bard? is hilariously funny. As of this moment, the latest tweet is:

“Dear Blago: The hair that covers the wit is more than the wit, for the greater hides the less.”

Merry-making aside, in accordance with my persona, I would like to channel Katharina from The Taming of the Shrew… (not just for today, of course, as my poor husband would gladly point out…):

Why, sir, I trust I may have leave to speak,
And speak I will; I am no child, no babe:
Your betters have endur’d me say my mind,
And if you cannot, best you stop your ears.
My tongue will tell the anger of my heart,
Or else my heart, concealing it, will break:
And rather than it shall, I will be free
Even to the uttermost, as I please, in words.

Shrews FTW!

Say What? Only in real life would such funny things be said in a court of law. And only in America…

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This email was sent to me this morning, and provided much laughter inside my head.  I believe, like all jokes being passed around on the Internet today, this has been going around for a few years, especially considering that the following quotations are from a book called Disorder in the Court: Great Fractured Moments in Courtroom History by Charles M. Sevilla, published in 1999. 
 
Some of the gems from Amazon.com's brief introduction to the book:
 
A psychiatrist, starting with a court assertion that "we're not arguing truth here, we're arguing evidence," declares that "I am not here using common sense, I am an expert." A defendant accused of drunken driving displays delightful candor by pleading "guilty as hell." A team of three overzealous defense attorneys beats up a client to provide evidence of self-defense.
 
Apparently, the following are "things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were taking place."
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there..
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

This is how you should order your fastfood! Taco Bell Drive-Thru Song

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via youtube.com

The most amazing things about this vid, in addition to the lovable singers-songwriters and the catchy lyrics and melody, are the ordering screen keeping up with the food items mentioned in the song and the drive-thru guy.

Is this truly unscripted? The drive-thru guy is not in on this? Amazing! He should definitely get a raise: THE BEST order taker at a drive-thru I have ever seen.

Posted via web from The Absence of Alternatives

The importance of understanding Chinese…

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Someone forwarded me this as a cautionary tale for people to understand the Chinese characters on the t-shirts they are wearing or, especially important, those that you are about to have tattooed on your body:

1. Pig. Not BOAR. But PIG. There is only one common Chinese word which stands for all types of pigs, but mostly the domesticated pigs, so yes, all negative stereotypes apply and don’t kid yourself by saying what you have means BOAR. NOT.

2. Not sure whether she is knowingly wearing the t-shirt for shock values since it says “Love intercourse the most”. ‘nough said.

3. Chicken. Again, the one common Chinese character that stands for all chicken, so for example, Rooster is “male chicken”, chick, “little chicken”, chicken (that you eat), “chicken meat”, and so on. The trouble with this t-shirt is that this word is also a slang for “hooker”…

4. The kanji (Chinese characters used in Japanese) on the t-shirt says PERVERT. It would be funny if the person wearing it looked anything but…