Scene: The basement of an upscale restaurant in a hip Chicago neighborhood
Cast: Her. And a throne of other women. It would be accurate to add “mostly young and attractive (and white except her and one other woman, though this has nothing to do with anything really…)” Being young adds 20% at least to the overall attractiveness btw. Youth is something the young does not know to appreciate.
Setting: A “women @ company” event aiming to “unite” women in the company. Tonight’s event is for a popular Chicago chef to share with her exclusive audience how she overcame the male-dominant restaurant business.
There have been several emails going out to all the women in the office promoting this event. Come meet your co-workers, listen to someone who’s braved the male-dominant world and made it, be empowered (well, they have never actually used the word “empowered” in any of the communications. It’s like we are so liberated now, and all these “women @ company” events have to be coached in a non-militant, non-aggressive way), and oh yeah, have some cocktails and food while you do all of the above. She was not planning to go because she does not have any friend in the office. She just joined the company this past year and for all her work duties, she works with a different office remotely. For all intent and purposes, the space she occupies may as well be a rental space. Proof? This office location had two holiday parties and she was not invited to either. Sorry.
Somehow she decided that it’s her duty to support this bourgeoning group, “Women @ Company”. It’s simply not nice to poo-poo these events and cry about women not being valued (or valued less) in the company. With the sense of duty and “Oh, how bad can it be?” thought, she walked the 3 blocks.
She was relieved upon entering the room reserved for private parties to see one of her cubicle mates. Great! Someone she knew. She quickly got a vodkacran from the bar tender who listened sympathetically as she recounted how the office holiday party in another city that she went to last week had only a not-open open bar. The bar tender, probably feeling sorry, gave her a heavy pour of Ketel One.
She stood around awkwardly with her cube-mate and a couple of women whom her cube-mate knew. She instinctively sensed that one of the other women would rather not be in this circle that they formed. You just know these things, right? You could tell from the body language. The angling out. The slight turning-away. The “Oh I am so relieved you are here because now I don’t have to be talking to this woman whom I don’t know and have no interest in knowing” expression when someone else showed up. So now the circle was broken into two. Inconspicuously. But not, unfortunately for her, imperceptibly. Leaving her and her poor cube-mate whom she suspected was cursing her own bad luck, “Wait. I want to be in that other circle. The new one!”
Cube-mate quickly announced, “Well, I have to leave. I have to be home by 6 to relieve my nanny.” Yes, cube-mate is one of the few other women in the office with kids, even though cube-mate is probably almost a decade younger than she is.
With cube-mate gone, she’s left in an awkward position. “No matter. I will go get another drink!” Bar tender was happy to see her friendly face again. “Another one?” “Yes.” It’s amazing how almost all the bars she’s visited she never had to tell the bar tender what she wanted after the first round. She turned around with her new drink, and was faced with one of the most horrifying realizations. She did not have a circle to go back to.
AWKWARD.
She went back to the vicinity of the aforementioned new circle, just to test the water. No. Nobody made that slight movement to welcome her. She’s now faced with a tough decision: “What the fuck should I do now?”
Cellphones.
She took out her phone and pretended to check her messages in the midst of women engaging in delightful conversations. “This probably looks really rude. People are going to think that I am being a-social.” Chastised, she put away her phone quickly and braced herself. She turned around, took a deep breath, and slowly made her way to the bar. With a FULL drink.
The few seconds felt like eternity and the short walk felt as if it’d never end. Sorry for the cliche. But it is what it was. Nobody. She did not know anybody. Nobody acknowledged her presence. No circles opened up. She positioned herself by the bar, with a FULL drink, pretending that she’s waiting in line. For what? Her drink was fucking full. Yes, she could have finished her drink quickly so she could get another one. But she’s going to be faced with the same hell with a 3rd drink in her hand. She quickly decided that drinking heavily and fast by yourself in a small, and worse, well-lit room where it’s easily seen that you’re drinking heavily and fast by yourself was probably more pathetic than the situation she was already in. She moved back to the new circle and she forced herself into the circle by physically tresspassing the invisible line that formed the circle.
“Excuse me. Sorry to interrupt. Hi, I am XXX. Nice meeting you.”
Now, this was not her imagination: If people want to include you, they will move slightly to make room. If not, they will simply turn around in order to address you, without moving.
It was made very clear to her.
“Fuck. This is even more awkward than before.” She quickly thought. “Do you know what time the chef will start speaking?”
“Oh. She’s supposed to start at 5:30.”
“Ok. Thanks!”
The women went back to their conversation.
She moved away from the force field and looked at her watch. 5:15. She turned around to survey the sea of circles and felt her eyes getting warm.
She needed to get out of there now.
On her way back to the office, her tears started swarming out of the corners of her eyes. Luckily it’s winter and it’s already pitch dark. The turn of the event caught her off guard. This was one of the selves that she was not prepared to confront.
She resisted looking at the darkened shop windows as she walked by, as her vain self was wont to, afraid that she’d see someone from the past.
“I thought I’ve left you behind many years ago.”
Oh man. I’ve been there. It just makes you want to throw up, doesn’t it? Our inner teenager never really dies, she just goes into hiding most of the time.
Amber recently posted…Christmas Crazies Be Gone!
Yup. You never really outgrow that stage I guess. The same kind of fear and anxiety. And now adding embarrassment because you’d think someone at my age should not have cared…
I so felt like this the first 5 years we joined a Country Club (but I can’t express it nearly as well as you do.) My husband grew up in the midwest (I’m from Idaho and only knew the word “CC” from novels) and this was normal to him. I was SO nervous for those first 5 years. I cried too, feeling ostracized. Even walked home a few times leaving him to wonder where the hell I’d gone. Then, I found out that these are great people. They just knew each other already and I’m awkward to the max. In the past 2 years I’ve become comfortable there and love to go talk with them. I’ve even made friends. But at least it wasn’t work related! You have my sympathy!
Thank you so much for visiting and commenting! I am so sorry that you had to suffer through those gatherings for 5 years but am happy that there’s a happy ending to this! With a work event it makes me more upset probably because I see these people in the hallways every day and they never even smile… sigh. What you gonna do right?
WTH? What is wrong with people? They didn’t know what they were missing. You are the kind of person I dream about running into at a networking event. Assholes.
Awww. That’s so sweet. I would have loved to meet you at a social event too.
This whole thing gives me shpilkes.
Life in the Boomer Lane recently posted…7 Quick Steps to Better Sex
Thanks. 🙂
I have been known to accidentally spill my drink on people who refuse me entrance to the circle. It is juvenile, but it is kind of fun too.
Jack@TheJackB recently posted…Santa Claus Doesn’t Eat Children
LOL. I love that idea!
Sending you hugs, Lin! It’s a shame not to have the same sense of community in our “real lives” as we have here in Blogland (I definitely don’t have it!).
Wendy
writerwoman61 recently posted…Smiles, Soup, Santa and Silliness…
Same here!!!! I love saying though it is pure statistic: How many people do you come in contact in real life compared to the potential number on the Internet, right?!
I’m heading to an event like that tomorrow, which is a tiny bit out of my comfort zone. So far I’ve heard a few people say “oh great, I’ll see you there!” Hear my sigh of relief? I really think it’s how you are raised – did your parents foster kindness and inclusion? Mine did and it’s the best gift I could have ever received. I’d never leave someone on the sidelines.
Meg at the Members Lounge recently posted…Books for the Holidays!
Because of my childhood experience, I am always very sensitive and would look out for people who may feel left out. If I were in a “circle”, I would have started with a friendly smile to anyone that’s kind of wandering, and if they smile back with that “Save me” expression, I’d have drawn them in. Anyway, lesson learned. I don’t think there is any need for me to participate in any of these events again.
You just wrote about my worst nightmare. I wish I had been there with you! I would have left, too. Or just sat down somewhere, pretending I was waiting for someone.
The Sweetest recently posted…It Smells Really Bad. Like, Really Bad.
I wish there were a way for me to pretend. But the room was small and really there was no way for me to pretend that I was doing anything else but being alone.
Gah. I hear you. I’ve been to way too many events where I feel like that, because I’m just not good at plunging in and interrupting little circles.
magpie recently posted…Your Children Are Not Your Children
It felt so very weird like I am barging in someone’s house with the door closed. Knock knock knock. HELLO! LET ME IN!
Good God–I’m so sorry this happened. Big hugs to you, my friend!
By the way, the password to my current protected post is “mother,” if you are interested in reading.
Kathy
Kathy recently posted…Protected: The Holy Hollow at the Center of every Story
I was wondering whether I should email you! Thank you!
Wow, and they say we eventually move out of the mean-girl teen phase. Doesn’t seem like ‘unite’ female employees worked or that those that attended even understood the point of the event. I am sorry you had to go through that; I think you are very brave and wonderful and it is their loss. I know it still hurts. Maybe though that girl you think you left behind should not have been left because she has made you the woman you are. This is a problem with society not you as an individual.
Jeane recently posted…Lean Living Wk 2
Thank you. I do understand. And I don’t think people try to exclude on purpose. They are simply not thinking. My teenage boy told me yesterday that ever since I told him (and he’s also read about) all those kids that committed suicide, he’s tried to at least say hi to the kids that are kind of not belonging to any group/crowd. He did admit that it’s kind of awkward to try to reach out and be someone’s friend, but he at least would say “Hey, how’s it going?” when he passes by these kids in the hallways. I said, “Sometimes a nice greeting is all it takes to change someone’s day.”
Random acts of kindness.
Ugh. What the hell is wrong with the people at your work? What kind of people don’t welcome in someone new at a party? I’m sorry that happened – it’s the kind of thing that would bring tears to me, too. But they are goombahs, and not worth the worry.
secret agent woman recently posted…Just waiting for my older son to get home so it will feel like Christmas.
Thanks for the moral support. xxoo
That is despicable. I’ve been there, too. People are shitheads with no social graces whatsoever. I was at a company party last weekend, the fourth time we have been to this annual party, and my husband walked up to a coworker’s wife and said, “Great to see you again!” And she said, “Have I met you before?” Yes, not only at the previous three events but just last month at the fundraiser that YOU invited us to and that WE donated $500 to when we got home. Shitheads.
Years ago, my friend Teri set a shining example for me – she was the person at any gathering who would walk around and talk to people who were standing alone. But here was the really nice thing she did: When we’d all be in a “circle” or just sitting around, when she would start to talk, she would find the person who was being really quiet or who was feeling awkward or who didn’t know a lot of people in the circle, and she would address her comments to them, saying their name. You could just see the person relax and light up a little bit, to be brought into the conversation. Teri was a social genius.
Diane Laney Fitzpatrick recently posted…Facebook for 50 and More Over: The Sequel
Was she joking? She must be joking right? Even if you had not been to HER fundraising event, saying something like that to someone is just… oh I don’t know… Something Dwight Schrute would say. Lovely.
And yes, I love Teri too. Wish there is a Teri at every party!
Here’s the most screwed up thing about that, Lin: little do they know that they should WANT to know you. They are missing out. Imagine by sitting there with their safe little cliques they’re missing meeting you! I adore you and I’ve only met you virtually!
Here’s the only solution I know to this kind of stuff: get involved in the organizing. You will soon know everyone and be the one they all want to know. You could be setting up chairs, name tags, greeting, the program person, but it would give you an official reason to be there.
Linda at Bar Mitzvahzilla recently posted…The Voice from the Bed
Thank you so much. How did you book reading at the Baha’i House go? I meant to go to surprise you but I wasn’t able to make it. Would have loved to meet you in person. End this virtual-only BS. 😉
That’s a hard thing to do, going to an event where you know so few. Kudos to you for trying it. I’ve definitely had similar experiences at business and social events. I make myself go, but allow myself to leave at any time. I heard once that if you greet everyone when you arrive, you can leave without saying goodbye. 🙂
Thanks! I don’t think I will be brave again though…
Why wasn’t I there to form a super impenetrable circle with you?!!!?? This is why you must always carry me in your pocket and unfold me at times like these. Also , I could have given a great speech about how the only way to dominate this world overrun with testosterone is to wear the scalps of all the men you’ve destroyed on your belt.
Hugs. Kisses. You are the center of my fucking circle. Like te sun!
I am crying again. But with happy tears. {{{hugs}}}
You are like my Tiny Dancer, invoking one of Patty Punker’s awesome posts… xxoo