Damned if I do. Damned if I don’t.

32 Replies

Because of my racial/ethnic/cultural/educational make-up, I do not watch what I tell my children: I tend to over-explain everything and over-analyze everything for them. I also like to point out instances of racial/cultural prejudices and stereotypes disregarding whether they may be too young for such identity politics theory talks. Sometimes I feel sorry for them ’cause I have ruined quite a few “plain, good old fun” movies and shows for them.

A downside of such vigilance (or as the mainstream society likes to label it, Paranoia, or as Fox and Friends like to call it, Rampant political correctness that’s ruining this country’s cultural identity and core) on my part is that once in a while I would slip and my kids get to call me out on it.

Then they pile it on thick.

 

While we were discussing my 13 year old’s birthday party earlier this year, he mentioned that he really would like to go to the penny arcade before the sleepover at our house. Naturally, I tried to talk him out of it.

“Are you sure your friends will like the penny arcade?”

“Duh. It’s the arcade, mom. Of course they’ll like it!”

“How about the twins? They don’t seem to be the kind of kids that would be interested in going to the arcade.” Honestly, I said that based on my observations of how their parents care really about academic performances and how studious these two kids are.

“Mom, don’t be such a racist! Just because they are Indian, you just assume that they like to study all day long and they don’t like to do anything fun?!”

My bad.

 

On our way home from the blockbuster movie Thor, The Husband asked Mr. Monk, our 8-year-old, who he would like to be if he had to choose: “Thor or his brother Loki?”

“What kind of question is that? Why did you ask him that? Who would have chosen Loki? Of course everybody wants to be Thor!” I interjected because of the whole sibling rivalry thing and I did not want Mr. Monk, sensitive that he is, to dwell on the fact that the younger brother Loki is less than ideal in the movie. (Let me just put it this way so I won’t ruin the movie for you…)

Beside, from a pure aesthetic point of view…

 

From the backseat a voice immediately piped up, “Oh sure, everybody wants to be Thor. Everybody wants to be the blond-haired, blue-eyed guy.”

Mind you, The Husband is of Scandinavian descent and sports blond hair and blue eyes. (Alas, there ends the similarities between him and Chris Hemsworth… I just need to keep on telling myself that I do not like hairy men…)

“Oh yeah, the blond-haired blue-eyed people are the good guys. And the dark-haired guy nobody likes him.” My oldest continued. “Yeah, let’s just kill the brown-haired guy and the dark-haired people. This is a Hitler movie! A Hitler movie!”

 

(I have been sitting here for 15 minutes, trying to come up with a tidy ending for this post. I don’t know how to end this post. So I am just going to end it abruptly and go to bed considering how it is 4:43 am…)

32 thoughts on “Damned if I do. Damned if I don’t.”

  2. Robin

    I think my parents were pretty upfront with me about most things. I knew at a young age Santa didn’t exist. I don’t think it caused me any problems except that maybe I now prefer reality over denial.
    Robin recently posted…My Best Friend TVMy Profile

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  3. Ameena

    Well I’m half-Indian and the truth is we make the best friend because yes, our parents make us study 24/7. It’s the honest truth!!

    4:43 am? That’s no good!!
    Ameena recently posted…wife dishwasherMy Profile

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  6. Beka

    Hahahaaa!! This post had me laughing out loud in recognition, even though I’m a redheaded, white Irish American. I agree with Nance that no matter what we do as parents, we will somehow get it cockwise and screw it up to a degree, but intentions count for a lot. I have always tried to do the same as you, and it has worked to a large extent. My oldest is now 14. She is not actually allowed to date, but has had several middle school romances. Looking back on it this week, her dad and I realized that she’s just now got her second white “boyfriend” after “going out with” (read, holding hands at lunch with) several boys of a variety of ethnic backgrounds. Their race/color/ethnicity clearly just didn’t factor into her decision making process. She only enjoyed the differences when she was attending the Korean church’s weekend functions or getting to eat homemade lumpia at lunch. So keep on with the brainwashing! But sometimes the blue eyed, blond guy is just hunkier. ;p (This from someone married to a black haired, black eyed Mexican man).
    Beka recently posted…Working Through Mother’s DayMy Profile

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  8. Kim

    My kids are still small (one and three) but I already have these types of conversations with my three year old. I always point out things he might look past – like some of the strange inequities in Dr Suess books (have you read I wish i had duck feet?) There are bullying overtones in a lot of stories. I know I’m going to be just like you and I would be thrilled if my children began recognizing discrimination on their own. Great post!
    Kim recently posted…Erin and Wes weddingMy Profile

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  11. Wildology

    Shoot, we don’t even have kiddos yet…but this same oxymoronic-better-watch-what-you-say because it reflects latent issues stuff STILL happens. I will look at the hubs or he will look at me (“us” being the liberal science geeks we are) and say “Did you just say that?” Better to raise them like you are…..while still allowing for humor and not-so-seriousness. 🙂
    Wildology recently posted…Birth Control For White-Tail DeerMy Profile

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  15. Nance

    As a parent, every mission I’ve tried to avoid (or to which I have tried to deploy my newest stealth technology) has suffered either pilot error or grave equipment failure, crashed, and burned spectacularly. It’s truly no win, as you note.

    For example, I considered my mother way too pushy and instrusive, so I’ve sought to avoid that trap. Somehow, I still managed to get thwacked with the opinionated and judgmental handle. Is it possible to parent properly without teaching right and wrong somehow? I doubt it. Should we even try, given that every time THEY do something wrong–something they know was bad–, WE get labeled opinionated and judgmental?

    Hopeless. Who we get as parents is a matter of luck of the draw. Therefore, I plead total innocence.
    Nance recently posted…Bless Their Little HeartsMy Profile

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  16. lifeintheboomerlane

    I think it’s important to acknowledge to kids that there are racial/ethnic/religious differences between people. I wanted my kids to understand prejudice and how negative sterotypes come about. In a way, I was lucky. Because I was a special ed teacher, it was natural for me to discuss differences among people and how society makes judgements that may be incorrect and/or harmful.

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  18. secret agent woman

    Actually, I DO have these conversations with my kids, even though I’m a blue-eyed, fair skinned sort (but not blond). I think they’re important conversations to have. And it’ is important to educate kids about the harmfulness of stereotypes and hate-words (even if you try to generalize an ethnic slur to all people you don’t like, it’s still harmful). But here’s an interesting thing: the kids and I have been watching LOST on Netflix and our favorite character is Sayid. He’s Indian in real life, but plays an Iraqi character. It’s a bonus that he’s gorgeous. So it’s not always the blond,blue-eyed guys who are the heroes.
    secret agent woman recently posted…If it seems fates are against you today- they probably areMy Profile

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  19. The Reason You Come

    Looks like you’re doing a good job of raising your children to be politically correct and sensitive to how society works. They’re pretty smart; they seem to have a good grasp of reality. But there’s also something to be said for kids remaining oblivious to what’s around them. That’s one of the joys of childhood, I guess. Honestly, I don’t know what I would do when my husband of Scandinavian descent and I finally have kids. They’ll be biracial, and I don’t know how to raise kids in a biracial manner.
    The Reason You Come recently posted…UndefeatedMy Profile

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  20. Naptimewriting

    I just read the race chapter in Po Bronson’s Nurture Shock, in which he notes that white parents never have these conversations, and as a result leave their children to make assumptions and judgements themselves without having any guidance. And that very ,very young children notice skin color differences but if we don’t talk about them the kids assume that we’re supposed to be afraid/distrustful/separate. So the fact that you have your children thinking critically, that they know some of the underlying racist and cultural assumptions and can see them, criticize them, and adopt or reject them means they are light years ahead of the rest of the world. And therefore they will change the world. Thank Minerva, too, because shit has to change.

    Another parent’s eyes got really big when I was reading Barack Obama’s book to my 5yo and got to the Jackie Robinson page. I read all books talking about the words and the images and asking questions. We don’t just read a book straight through until it’s familiar and he craves the familiar rhythm. Anyway, we walked about the faces in the crowd, some cheering and some hatefully booing. And he asked why. And I told him. Fear and hatred and ignorance made some people say that brown people can’t be with white people. And those people are wrong. And our family has brown and white, and our friends are brown and white, and nice people can be brown or white. And horrible, nasty people can be brown. Or white. And it’s the nice versus nasty we prize in our family, regardless of the brown or white.

    And some suburban Berkeley mom shot eye daggers at me. And her kids are not color blind, though she thinks they are. And your kids know it.

    Mazel tov.

    Hope the sleep hangover ain’t too painful.
    Naptimewriting recently posted…Take it up a notchMy Profile

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    1. Absence Alternatives Post author

      I read the excerpt from Nurture Shock and some of the findings are quite astounding or against “common sense”. You, m’lady, are the ONE person I would say to please write a parenting book. Period. Really, I mean it. Many, myself included, need a handbook of such on how to maneuvering through the labyrinth of this multi-cultural world. Remember your post about how and why you never comment on your own body in a negative way in front of the kids? I found that extremely educational and inspiring.

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  21. Andrea @ Shameless Agitator

    Just when you thought your kids weren’t listening, they say things like this. A dead-on assessment like this. I think it’s great – your boys have the basis for critical analysis of the world around them. Much better than being one of the sheeple.
    Andrea @ Shameless Agitator recently posted…Mother’s DayMy Profile

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  23. Jessica

    Well, the upside is that your kids are grounded in the reality of how the world works,
    so there shouldn’t be much that shocks them. 🙂

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