Warning: Do not read this if you are my husband

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The Kitchen Witch tagged me for an interesting exercise…

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No tan lines?!

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Clarification: A writing/blogging exercise. Not the kind of exercise being vigorously practiced by Barbie and Ken as shown in the photo.

“If tagged, you need to list (and then explain your reasoning) 5 characters you’d like to do the horizontal whiplash with,” according to the bewitchin’ lady lording over the Kingdom of Cookery.

As an over-thinker and an anti-over-sharer when it comes to businesses in my own bedroom, I have been ruminating and debating on my choices.

Digression: Alas, this sort of explains why no fireworks are coming out of my bedroom, or my crotch for that matter. (Hey, I figure I need to throw you some TMIs so you won’t cry foul…)

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I am embarrassed to say, yet obviously not embarrassed enough to lie about it, the first character that came to my mind was…

Father Ralph de Bricassart in The Thorn Birds. Do you remember this popular mini-series in the 1980s? Richard Chamberlain played the tortured priest? Man oh man, for a young teenage girl in Taiwan, that show had some of the most erotic, passionate scenes I was able to witness.

Digression: Ok, my mother did bring me to The Blue Lagoon with Brooke Shields by mistake. Fortunately for my mother, I was too dumb young to understand any of it. The realization of what goes on in that movie came to me out of the blue one day while I was sitting in the classroom in COLLEGE. I went, “Ohhhhhhh………. I got it!”

Forbidden love between a Catholic priest and an impressionable young girl whom he had known since she was four? COME ON! How hot is THAT?

This was of course before the world learned of the prevalanec of child abuse conducted by the Catholic clergy.  Looking back now.  YIKES. I think I really did throw up in my mouth when I watched again, for the purpose of researching for this post (Seriously, the sacrifice I make for you guys…), the long awaited consummation between Meggie (Rachel Ward) and her relationship with Father Ralph.

The following scene, in 1983, was called “the most erotic love scene ever to ignite the home screen.”

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qc0bF2HMP_E

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Mr. Rochester in the BBC Mini Series, Jane Eyre, played by Timothy Dalton. Another one of my earliest fantasies. This was before Dalton had the misfortune of being James Bond for two measly Bond films and immediately became UNCOOL because almost everybody hated him as Bond.

Mr Rochester

This mini-series was also  aired in 1983. I am now convinced that 1983 was a watershed year for me. The year of my sexual awakening. Now that explains the sudden urge to pee when I watched these mini-series. “Ohhhhhhh………. I got it!”

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So… to begin answering the question for realz… I have to start with Fitzwilliam Darcy from Pride and Prejudice. I don’t know why: I seem to have a thing in my fantasy for the aloof yet secretly passionate and protective type.

And I was VERY happy with BBC’s adaptation in 1995 with Colin Firth as Mr. Darcy.

Mr. Darcy

A dripping wet Mr. Darcy. This is a bit too much IMO.

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To further prove that I have a thing for aloof yet secretly passionate and protective type, the one character that gets my panties really really wet is the vampire Bill Compton from The Southern Vampire Mysteries by Charlaine Harris. Oh my lord. I have never ever read romance novels except these books. And oh my lord, let me exclaim again, they are bordering on porn, or at least my over-imaginative mind received similar amount and severity of stimulation from reading these pages.

And it’s not just Bill the Vampire. All of Sookie Stackhouse’s lovers are hump-worthy on the pages: Eric Northman, a vampire that is depicted like a Nordic god, a viking in his past life, with a gorgeous body built like rock and an insatiable appetite for “fun”. Her third conquest, Quinn, is a friggin’ “SPOILER POTENTIAL so I cannot say what kind of animal he is here”! It suffices to say that whichever animal Quinn is, the sex scene as penned by Harris definitely lives up to the said animal’s reputation. Grrrrrrrr….

I read the first six books in the series non-stop last year when we were on the beach for a week. I was addicted. Obsessed. Like a sex fiend. Only came up for air when reality called.

There I was, sitting on the beach in bright daylight, between my mother-in-law and my father-in-law, surround by screaming happy children, reading these words: (And mind you, I am leaving out the MORE explicit parts in this paragraph…)

As I squirmed uncomfortably in my beach chair, I wondered why there was not a sticker on these books (or on any of the romance novels…) and whether anybody could tell that I was being aroused…

“His fingers and his mouth were busy learning my topography, and he pressed heavily against my thigh. I was so on fire for him I was surprised that flames didn’t flicker out of my finger tips. I curled my fingers around him and stroked… I reached between us to put him at just the right spot… I tried to yank him back, but he began kissing his way down my body… His mouth was talented… he turned his face to my inner thigh, muzzling it, his fingers moving steadily now, faster and faster…”

Oooo child. I need to go take a break. Be right back.

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I’m bbbbaaacccckkkkkk! Thanks for waiting. That wasn’t long, was it? So where was I?…

Of course, HBO later, much to the dismay of my panties, adapted these books into the cultish True Blood. Oh yeah, baby. Bill you can bite me any day. Or night for that matter.

Bill Compton: the Un-Vampire from True Blood

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As I am coming… to the end of this post, I want to be really really really honest with y’all. Like 120% honest: I fantasized about having sex with one of the aliens from the movie Cocoon. I don’t even care that the object of my lust shown in the following clip is female so I may be entering the realm of homoeroticism inadvertently. I am pretty sure these aliens can assume any shape they want to be. Maybe I’ll ask that the alien morphs into Mr. Darcy.

Yes. I am lazy. Didn’t I tell you that? I love how in this fantasy of mine a la Cocoon I do not need to do anything. Not even lift a finger. Nada. Oh man. I am excited just thinking about doing absolutely nothing.

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The best part of this award? I get to pass the award along and tag the others to play this game so I can live through your fantasies vicariously. (Yeah, I know. That makes me an uber loser for having to live my fantasies through your fantasies…).  What I really wanted to do here is to copy and paste my entire blogroll.  Instead, I am going to beg you, implore you, beseech you, “puppy eye assault” you to go ahead, accept this award, own this challenge and write about the five characters that give you that “tinkling” feeling. Or please share by leaving a comment.

In addition, I’m going to round up the usual suspects who I assume would DELIGHT in such an opportunity to talk about the objects of their sexual fantasies. PLEASE DO consider this as my sincere adoration rather than an accusation, ladies! Yes, my darlings. I am putting you on the spot. The G Spot.

Andrea @ A Little Bit Rock n Roll

Gorgeous @ A Vapid Blonde

Elly @ Buggin Word

Mrs. Sexy @ Mrs. BlogAlot

Mary @ Pajamas and Coffee

Patty @ Patty Punker

She who is “NOT Kaiser Sose. Spartacus. or Your father” @ The Sky Is Falling

And I seriously would have been the most egregiously remiss if I did not tag Wicked Shawn @ Wicked Girls Think It for this one.

I think we are all in for a treat.

*Rubs hands* EXCELLENT!

42 thoughts on “Warning: Do not read this if you are my husband”

    1. Absence Alternatives Post author

      Please don’t apologize! I didn’t leave a comment over in your house ’cause I didn’t want to make you feel obliged. I cannot wait to read your Hump Day post this week!!!

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  3. Velva

    I can remember literally being on the phone with my girlfriend as a teenager and watching each episode of the Thornbirds ( I think it played on TV for a week) . OH my!!! That is all I can say…I was never the same again.

    Your posts literally crack me up….I love your writing. Both you and Kitchen Witch are my favorite blogs. You just have a knack for letting it loose and staying on your game too. I can only imagine what it would be like to enjoy a few cocktails with you ladies. 🙂
    Velva recently posted…Asparagus Salad with BaconMy Profile

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    1. Absence Alternatives Post author

      Ohhh… Thank you, m’lady. I am kind of distracted now because Comment Luv says something about “bacon”… If there were a character that’s bacon, it would have been on my list too…

      Would love to have cocktails with you ladies too! Preferably the ones made by you. 😉
      http://tomatoesonthevine-velva.blogspot.com/search/label/cocktails
      (Yes, I am shameless. LOL. But I found you some awesome cocktail recipes!! You can’t possibly complain!)

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  4. mrsblogalot

    Lin, you’ve outdone yourself with the title of this post!!!

    Did Miss B just say Gene Wilder…omg!! How great is that?

    Sorry, got distracted…

    I don’t have a list but if I did…well let’s just say it would involve a certain teenaged vampire and that would not look good at all!

    But he’s really like 100 right?

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  6. dufmanno

    The Thornbirds came out when I was in the middle of my indoctrination by the nuns and we were told that under no circumstances were we to watch this soul damning movie.
    So we promptly went home, popped some corn watched the hot steamy love scenes and christened him “father what a waste”. Then we agreed that it was the best thing we had ever seen.
    According to Sister Angela we signed our soul away to Satan and his minions when we sullied our pristine selves by watching that smut. I informed my friends that it didn’t matter because we had already booked first class tickets on the bullet train to hell due to our plan to co-habitate with members of various rock bands. Most noteably of course, The Police.
    dufmanno recently posted…Bizarre Coincidence or Cosmic Message In a Bottle?My Profile

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  7. Mary Lee

    Don’t read if it’s your husband??? How ’bout your MOMMA?!!! 🙂

    I remember my snitching mother’s copy of Peyton Place when I was a kid. No way could it be called literature, but I could remember THE page number for years. So glad it got pushed out of my brain… probably by something steamier.
    Mary Lee recently posted…Hum Along, Take IIMy Profile

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  9. Miss B

    Dr. Greg House. MD. (though really, any character Hugh Laurie plays could make the list)

    Gene Wilder’s Willy Wonka. (shut up)

    Ben Kingsley’s Feste (the jester in the otherwise completely mediocre film version of “Twelfth Night”)

    Seymour Glass (from the Salinger books)

    Willem Dafoe as T.S. Eliot (in Tom & Viv)

    (I doubt I could manage to keep my list of female characters down to five, so that’s an entirely separate conversation…)
    Miss B recently posted…Turkish DelightMy Profile

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    1. Absence Alternatives Post author

      Gene Wilder? OK. I am keeping my mouth shut… 😉

      I need to watch Tom & Viv. And yes, Willem Dafoe with the gap in his teeth always strikes me as bizarrely sexy for some reason.

      And speaking of women turning us on… have you seen the spread in Ellen von Unwerth’ collection Fräulein?

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      1. Absence Alternatives Post author

        Mami and Kristen, that’s probably better ’cause now you have one less thing from childhood like your prom dress that made you go: what the beep were we thinking about?!?! 😉

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  12. Linda at Bar Mitzvahzilla

    Oh my gosh, what a great post. I also had a big thing for the Thorn Birds’ Ralph de Bricassart but, wow, how did that escape me how creepy that is now? I know, probably because I haven’t read it in 30 years, but still.

    I think that Colin Firth thing is some kind of deep longing to live inside a romance novel. First he hates you then he loves you kind of thing. Bullshit when you live it, and it never works out because anyone I started off hating I really ended up hating, but it SOUNDS so romantic!
    Linda at Bar Mitzvahzilla recently posted…The Plastic Oy AwardMy Profile

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    1. Absence Alternatives Post author

      Even if you re-read the book now, you may still not throw up in your mouth. Richard Chamberlain srly gives me the creeps. Even at that time, I was more in love w the concept of forbidden love than anything else. This brings us back to your point, so true! Would be hell to live thru all this. I haven’t developed any serious crush b/c I need the person to like me first. (I am a Cancer and I protect myself lk nobody’s business. Kind of contradictory to all this oversharing here but that IS THE attraction of anom blogging to me…) So that kind of makes it impossible for me to like any celeb. LOL

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        1. Absence Alternatives Post author

          I read it and I love the list! I actually thought of Tony Stark because I just watched Iron Man 2 when I wrote this post. I love how he is NOT led astray by the super hot Black Widow & his heart remains with Pepper. (I prefer the movie version of their romance to the comic book version)

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  14. Justine

    I remember The Thorn Birds – my mom was a huge fan and I just couldn’t get over how “old and boring” Richard Chamberlain was to appreciate him. He was the ick factor of the show, and I read the book and imagined someone else hotter instead.

    I’m seeing a pattern here with bloggers and Firth’s Mr Darcy, and I feel that this must be what’s wrong with me. He just doesn’t do it for me. But then again, I think it’s because I have a thing for younger men – give me Jake Gyllenhall and the now-dead Heath Ledger any day. Yes, Brokeback Mountain was a dream for me until they started doing each other. Not homophobic – just sad I wasn’t between them.

    Still – it’s nice to see who gets you all naked horizontal Barbie, probably minus the blonde hair. It’s interesting because I really wouldn’t have imagined these silent brooding types to float your boat. But then again, I can’t see you choosing the obvious in Clooney and Pitt either. Brava for sharing.
    Justine recently posted…Something borrowed, something trueMy Profile

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    1. Absence Alternatives Post author

      What I didn’t write in my post is that I fantasized about being the object of passionate pursuit in MANGA. THAT would require a long explanation of what Manga is probably? So I left that out. I LOVE guys with blue and purple hair who look like girls! 😉

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  17. TheKitchenWitch

    Oh my God! As a kid, I had the same reaction to The Thorn Birds. I just swooned through that whole thing. And then, like you, I watched it many, many years later and thought, “Yuck!”

    You had quite a few literary characters–I’m so proud!
    TheKitchenWitch recently posted…Ceviche for Miss SunshineMy Profile

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    1. Absence Alternatives Post author

      M’lady, I srly don’t consider Bill the Vampire in the Sookie Stackhouse series to be a “literary” character. LOL. I did try to rise to your call for literary characters. Alas, Kilgore Trout does not incite passion. Right? Please don’t tell me you have the hots for him. LOL. 😉

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  19. Andrea

    Oh, you are in so much trouble, missy!

    Ok, your post is cracking me up here though. My sisters were glued to the tv when The Thornbirds were on. I wasn’t quite old enough to “get it,” as you say. But I sure remember them talking about it!!

    And now I shall spend some time (and I may have to drag this out) contemplating just who to write about . . . . 🙂 Thanks, sister.

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