I really should go to bed right now. I haven’t slept since I got up at 6:30 am yesterday.
Long story short: On Monday, I found out that the meeting where I would be presenting a Power Point slide deck based on the big giant Excel file that I have been living with has been pushed up to as soon as I land and get into the office. The problem with that is I am one of the worst procrastinators. Actually. No. I prefer to think of myself as a Deadliner aka one who is highly motivated and miraculously inspired when the deadline is right in sight. I’d spend the majority of the time before the deadline ruminating, musing, plotting, strategizing and agonizing over the task. Then when there is no more escaping it, BOOM! I sit down and complete the task with a lot of unnecessary stress.
[Insert clock-ticking sound effect from 24]
And yes, I memorized the times so I could later blog about it! There’s no shame in that…
4:22 am. Finally finished my presentation. OH SHIT FUCK HELL I AM GOING TO DIE!
4:30 am. Shower. Done. Wow I’m Speedy Gonzales.
4:45 am. Still figuring out what not to wear. Priorities, people. They are what keep us straight!
4:58 am. Left the house. SHIT FUCK HELL I AM GOING TO MISS THE FLIGHT! I am so tired but I am not tired. I am so jacked up. It feels so weird to drive the car in this state of utter exhaustion. The car seems to be moving on its own without me exerting too much pressure on the paddle. I keep on looking at the new moon that’s beckoning ahead of me, grasping at the wheel afraid that I may let go or make any sudden movement.
5:06 am. There is only one lane open on the highway. The traffic is completely backed up. Red brake lights as far as my eyes can see. OH SHIT FUCK WHAT THE HELL! Why is there a traffic jam at 5 in the morning?! I quickly swerve off the exit ramp and take the alternate local route. In the dark. When I can barely focus. And why are the roads all of a sudden so curvy? And what happened to the street lights?!
5:22 am. Much to my surprise, I arrive at the airport parking garage in one piece. Now let’s hope that the airport is empty and the security line is not too long.
SCORE! Breeze through security checkpoint. Thank you Tuesday morning!
5:31 am. Arrive at gate. And they have not started boarding yet. I WON! I am so awesome! I’m woman. Hear me roar! Doing the victory dance inside my head. These people have no idea what a feat I have just pulled. Oh god, I want to climb onto the chair and announce to the world all the crazy shit stunts I have just pulled to be able to catch this flight. They have NO FUCKING IDEA what a victory it is that I am sitting here right now at this gate!
But I need to tell somebody! Otherwise this memory, this moment of my glory, too, shall pass. It will not be wise to call and wake up husband in order to tell him that I have made it despite my procrastination.
Note to self: Need to blog about this so as to gloat in self’s awesomeness.
I lost all consciousness as soon as they forced us to turn off our phones and took a power nap. Naturally I looked (more) like crap when I got off the plane. Don’t believe me?
.
My eyes were bloodshot. The shadows underneath were not from poor lighting. I looked like a friggin’ druggie alcoholic vampire! What was worse was that my hair was completely limp and I was wearing a black dress shirt so I looked like…
.
Fortunately the presentation went well despite my lack of inner monologue – the fatigue feels like drunkenness. Several times I told my bosses, “Did I just say that out loud? Sorry.” I either succeeded in glamouring them with my vampire eyes or he was in awe of my being a dead ringer to an evil wizard.
.
I am dead tired but I don’t feel tired. I am running on pure adrenaline now. I am jacked up like Beavis and Butthead on their famous sugar high.
I am having an out-of-body experience. It feels as if the speed of the film that is my existence is out of sync with everybody else’s. I am moving around in slow motion while the world whizzes by and nobody knows the better. It feels like I am swimming in the clouds I saw this morning from the plane.
.
What do you know. Come to think of it: I actually travelled through the clouds…
I am walking in the clouds now.
.
.
Postscript: OMG. One of my colleagues just startled me by throwing a big exercise ball at me. (Exercise balls are one of the options for “seating” in my company and therefore they are everywhere in the office). I did not realize until tonight that they make an adorable Boing Boing sound when you bounce them.
“You sure we are the only two people left now?”
“You sure there are no surveillance cameras?’
I ended up dribbling the big giant pink ball down the corridors of the empty office building and to my colleague’s surprise (and I hope, admiration) dribbling it under my knees.
So it has been confirmed: I am drunk. Drunk from too much adrenalin.
Kudos to you on rocking it in a zombie-like state! My Deadliner personality has afforded me many nights like this…it IS a druggy/drugged-up type of feeling. I think rehab may be in order.
By rehab you mean drinking heavily, right? LOL
Oh well done you.
I’ve suffered the black under eyes in my past as well, but usually for different reasons…
– B x
The Barreness recently posted…Modesty just doesnt suit me
Thank you. And somehow I am 100% sure what you were working on was a lot more fun than my powerpoint presentation. 😉
I really hate that feeling, where you wonder if maybe, maybe someone laced your food/beverage with a drug your body’s never had before. That nausea/exhiliration/speed feeling of sleeploss and adrenaline? Crazy.
Congrats on making it. And blogging it. And on being Cornholio. Most of the time I am the bunghole, not the victorious Cornholio.
Naptimewriting recently posted…Open Letter to the Friend Who Quit
Thanks. I heard this on This American’s Life today: It takes self-denial to be a comedian: I went the stage and bombed, but I told myself that I made it out ok. (paraphrasing of course…)
I think the difference of Cornholio and bunghole is self-denial also. 😉
Now, please blog about the mood crash that inevitably followed this romp!
Nance recently posted…An Instability of Ideas
HOW DID YOU KNOW???!!!!!
Oh. Yeah. Never mind. You would know wouldn’t you. Sigh. You ready to come back and take on a patient?
Do you need TP for your bunghole?
I think Deadliners would be a great title for a movie.
Unknown Mami recently posted…I was Present
Go pitch that movie! 🙂
And yes I’d like some TP. The soft kind ok?
You can dribble an exercise ball with your knees? I am impressed. I also love your combination of “shit fuck.” It gets me every time.
Vodka and Ground Beef recently posted…Team of the Week
You should be in the car with me when I’m driving: I say WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK all the time!
You are my hero! I haven’t pulled an all-nighter since….since…well, since never! You rock! (drunken thoughts said outloud notwithstanding!)
Jane recently posted…Please Say That Tyler’s Story Will Change Just One Heart
I am seeing this as a dare to come and kidnap you some day…
“Deadliner” = Awesome! Congrats on the successful presentation and trip!! I love the visual of you bouncing a pink exercise ball through the vacant office halls! LMAO
Kernut the Blond recently posted…Animals Behaving Very Badly – NSFW
When I close eyes, I can see myself coming down the hall way bouncing a big giant pink ball with the sound effect of Boing Boing. It is nice.
When I have been drinking, since I am virtually always the moron who wears high heels, even though she knows she will be drinking(why the hell am I talking about myself in second person here??) I always feel as if I am walking on clouds, probably because I really am several inches off of the ground.
I am famous for not sleeping. The euphoria it produces often enhances my creative juices.
Wicked Shawn recently posted…My Reasons For Taking Over As Mother Nature
“Euphoria”. Eureka!
I, too, like “deadliner.” It sounds menacing and so much less whiny than “procrastinator.” I love your description of your drive to the airport. Too funny!!
Diane Laney Fitzpatrick recently posted…Vote Early- Often and in as Many States as Possible
Thank you! All that “I’d better remember this so I can blog about this” paid off. YEAH! 🙂
I walk on clouds while drunk but they don’t look like that.
linlah recently posted…fossil fuels and a job
Do they look like nekkid men?
I’m tired for you! Get some rest my dear.
Catherine recently posted…The intimacy of eye contact
I think I’m too old for this: I am still suffering from not sleeping at the beginning of the week…
And I thought “having your head in the clouds” was just an expression!
Mary Lee recently posted…The Contrary Gardener
Does “Having your head in the clouds” have a special meaning that I didn’t know? Like “You can say that again” and “Tell me about it” I was quite confused by these two when I first came here…
For a saying with “HEAD” in anything… I am pretty sure we can somehow make it mean SOMETHING. *wink wink*
I know that feeling- I always say when I am that tired I feel like I am hungover but without the fun. Good work pulling it off, though! Reward yourself with a looooooong nap!
The Sweetest recently posted…Since When Is It Not Okay To Have Feelings
Thank you. Yes hungover without the fun. Tru dat.
Good for you! And remember, the vampire look is in.
I wanna work somewhere with exercise balls for seating!
secret agent woman recently posted…Wheres the goddamn noodles- YART- Part 1
I haven’t asked for one yet. Now I may request HR to ship one to the branch office where I am.
you rule! when you’re ready to come down, we can dribble on exercise balls with boxes of franzia and plastic cups in our laps.
pattypunker recently posted…things lindsay lohan says
THAT would be awesome: all of us bouncing on big giant exercise balls, and drinking. Best party ever!
I think you’re drunk on admiration, sweet pea. Way to kick it. Girl power.
Elly Lou recently posted…Elly’s Guide to Unemployment
Fist bump!
It doesn’t jive in my brain that someone who can write like you do can’t say “Doug.” How is that possible?!
SisterMerryHellish recently posted…The Freakdar Never Lies- Return of the CSG
Awwww. Is that a compliment? I love compliments. PILE IT ON MYLADY!!!!!
And thank you. *heart*
“Deadliner.” Can I steal that? I’m going to start calling myself “Queen of the Deadliners.” It somehow sounds so much better than “Queen of Pulling Her Ass Out of the Fire at the Last Minute.”
Wendy
writerwoman61 recently posted…Coincidence I Think Not!
We’ll trade. I like the “Queen of Pulling Her Ass Out of the Fire At the Last Minute” title. Only I’ll give myself a promotion and call myself Empress.
There is NO WAY I could pull an all-nighter anymore, especially for work. You are truly amazing! Shoot, most of the time I’ve had plenty of sleep, and I still look bloodshot and Snapey.
I cannot do this any more either. I am getting too old for this shit.
I neglected to throw up the bat signal as I had a sneaking suspicion you would be up to your bloodshot eyeballs in travel & work.
You are my sleepless hero.
I start acting inapproprite with bouts of drooling & hallucinating when I don’t get enough hours of slumber. I act that way when I’m drunk too so I guess those are just character flaws.
Welcome home and GO TO BED!
My flight is delayed. I do plan to fall asleep as soon as I get situated.
first of all: congratulations.
second: I am reading this at 9 am in the morning and I want to change my coffee for a double bourbon shot… Woman you stressed me out just reading this! he he
BTW, the whole vampire-red-eye shit is in glamour right now, so you probably enamored everybody with your tiredness!!!
😀
vanilla north recently posted…first and foremost- a MOTHER
Thank you! I hope I can replicate the Vampire Eyes look for Halloween.
I am deadline guy too. I try not to wait until the last minute to do things but every now and then it can’t be helped. But I have to admit that I kind of like that feeling- there is a bit of a buzz that comes from knowing that I beat the clock…again.
BUZZ. Yup. That’s what we are gunning for.
Living on the edge man. 🙂
Deadliner. Nice. There is something epic about pressure-i see it now as a giant sticky marshmallow inching closer. And just before it touches you, and surely swallows you up in its sugary magma, you whip out the blow torch and say ‘yea, take that take that’; making the best damn roasted marshmallow ever! wow i think i am also at state of exhaustion.
iamqueer recently posted…Opportunity Knocks
I love this simile. I also have this sudden urge to get a blow torch.