“Incongruity Detected” is a term I learned from this laugh-out-funny post from Hyperbole and a Half, the girl with the indomitable spirit who makes hilarious illustrations for her blog posts with MS Paint. That post of hers is titled “Expectations vs. Reality“.
Oh boy, did that post strike a cord within the deepest recess of my being.
Sometimes I think I come off as Unnecessarily Humble because I am an ultimate narcissist: I am so awesome that I can afford to show humility of a pathological degree.
Yeah. That.
You see, inside my head, I live a different life than reality. It’s like I have my own personal Matrix.
I watch people dance on TV or in the movies, I visualize myself doing the exact same graceful movements. I tap my feet. I sway my upper body (’cause I am a Couch Dancer). I’ve got rhythm. I get so swept away by my mental image that I am convinced IF I stand up now I’ll be able to do JUST THAT.
It’s the same with singing. Inside my head, not only could I sing I’ll Always Love you, I could carry that high note to the very end. I stopped believing in that when I actually opened my mouth once and lived with a sore throat (= strained vocal cord muscle) for the next three days. Ok, admittedly I am not Whitney Houston. But I can sing like Eartha Kitt, inside my head. Low. Husky. Raspy. Yes, inside my head I have a low, husky and raspy voice. I mean, if I have trouble hitting the high notes, it has got to be because I have a husky voice, right? There is no other explanation. By the way, since we are going down this road, let me just point out that inside my head, I can also slink across the piano like Eartha Kitt. Oozing seduction.
I can if I just try.
So when Neil over at Citizen of the Month announced the Fifth Annual Blogger Christmalhijrahanukwanzaakah Online Holiday Concert, I thought I’d just go ahead and perform one of my favorite Christmas songs, Santa Baby. I even used the Web Cam… The result?
Incongruity Detected.
Fine. I cannot be sexy and seductive like Eartha Kitt. You know, sometimes inside my head I can sing like Zooey Deschanel. Ok. I thought I’d change the plan and sing one of my favorite winter-themed songs, Baby It’s Cold Outside. Leon Redbone has such a low and resonant voice, next to him, inside my head, I sound absolutely dainty and innocent and adorable.
So if you ever wonder what happened to me: I don’t write. I don’t read your posts. I don’t comment. I don’t visit. I don’t even reply to your comments on my own friggin’ blog. I was consumed in an epic battle between Reality and Fantasy.
I waited every night until the kids were asleep. I sang. Again and again. I tried singing in the bathroom to get the acoustics going. I stole the microphone from Wii to see whether it would make a difference. I used the toy “microphone amplifier” that we got for $1 at Target. I sang standing up. I sang sitting down. I drank hot tea incessantly to calm my overworked throat (yeah, I was not doing it right I know). I needed to pee every five minutes as a result. I did not go to bed until after 3 am for at least three nights in a row.
I ended up recording myself singing the same song on my iPhone 50+ times.
Incongruity Detected. Every single friggin’ time.
Finally after midnight on the day of the submission deadline, I was so exhausted, actually falling asleep when I was listening to the playbacks, I had to make a judgement call and come to grip with reality: Ain’t gonna sound like Zooey Deschanel. Better cut my losses and be done with it.
So here it is, despite the Incongruity Detected (and I figure that you don’t care since you are not inside my head), for your viewing pleasure (oh, yes, I added visual goodies to make my singing bearable. Hint: Think “Cold. Pussy.”): My performance at the Fifth Annual Blogger Christmalhijrahanukwanzaakah Online Holiday Concert.
Why, you ask, do I wish to humiliate myself if I am so devastated by the Incongruity Detected?
Eh. Please see Paragraph 3.
Please do check out the actual concert, especially since Elly @ BugginWord (another girl with the indomitable spirit) performed at the concert too!
My thanks to A Vapid Blonde, 20 Prospect, Tomatoes on the Vine, and Laura @ Hey What’s For Dinner Mom for providing pictures that without a doubt are improving the sales of hot chocolate.
“I get so swept away by my mental image that I am convinced IF I stand up now I’ll be able to do JUST THAT.” I so get this, especially in regards to dancing. I cannot follow choreography to save my damn life, never have been able to. And yet, I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t honored Tankbaby with my interpretation of “Bad Romance” as done by the cast of Glee. (What? Like you haven’t.)
Anyway, lovely siren, good on you for conquering your own self-consciousness.
Falling recently posted…In No Particular Order
The best about singing for your kids, at least when they are still young, they think you are the best singer dancer there is. 🙂
Absolutely adorable. You took the plunge and did it.
Okay….I don’t have a crush on you. I don’t. I don’t…
Jerry recently posted…The Way They Do It
LOL. Thank you for the good dose of laugh this morning. You are too kind. 🙂
You already know I love this……and you…….and you doing this……..why have we not danced yet?
Wicked Shawn recently posted…A Month Old Challenge……Continues…
I know. WTF were we doing? Oh I guess you are not really allowed to dance inside an art museum…
Whatever, Mary Tyler Moore!!! Bwahahahaha!!!!!!!
Wicked Shawn recently posted…A Month Old Challenge……Continues…
“You’re gonna make it after all”
I love that line…
Also, can I please have another hug????
Wicked Shawn recently posted…A Month Old Challenge……Continues…
{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}GROPE}}}}}}}}
This is one of my favorite Ray Charles songs- just awesome.
Jack recently posted…She Broke My Penis
Me or Ray?
LOL. Don’t answer. 😉
Dainty. Innocent. And adorable.
H. and a Half has 41,084 Followers and, on this post alone, 624 comments. Having glimpsed such glory, it’s going to be tough for me to write another blog post. I’ll need to borrow some of your courage.
Nance recently posted…Labile
Isn’t it amazing how she struck upon THIS idea and it’s been taking her onto this surrealist adventure of Internet stardom? I adore her spunk and spirit though. She is also insanely adorable or the other way around. Just the way I like my Internet people. 🙂 Yes, you all are too. LOL
Fun. Truly. I enjoyed hearing your voice. Very appropriate song too. Brrr.
TechnoBabe recently posted…Little Boy in 1924
Thanks! Stay warm!
Girl. I’ve seen you dance. KaPOW! I’ve heard you sing. BLAMmo! And this modesty thing? All an act. You’re a triple threat, lady.
Elly Lou recently posted…Getting Drilled
You know, one has to maintain one’s lotus blossom image…
LOL. Yeah. Right. 🙂
My favorite new Christmas song! Who doesn’t pretend they can sing and dance? I’m often
Bonnie Raitt with a guitar and a wind machine in front of me.
Meg at the Members Lounge recently posted…The Longest Journey for the Littlest Dog!
Ooooo. You need to do a video! 😉
i love love loved this: “i get so swept away by my mental image that I am convinced IF I stand up now I’ll be able to do JUST THAT.” i have this feeling all the time. i imagine i’m on stage as a chick bass player and i sing, and dramatize. i put my mouth all over the mic like i’m blowing it and make eye contact with an audience member. i step up on the speakers in my baby doll dress and doc martens for my fiery solos. yes epic battle between narcissist and talentless, reality vs fantasy, incongruity detected.
and you already know i think your voice is sweet and seductive. step aside eartha kitt. for your next effort please add slinking.
pattypunker recently posted…freelance whales
I’m pretty sure if you put your mouth all over the mic like your blowing it, no one will care what the sounds coming out are like, my lovely. I say Go For It!!!!
Wicked Shawn recently posted…A Month Old Challenge……Continues…
Yeah. What she said.
Somehow I KNEW you would understand what I was talking about even as I was trying to put words to that feeling…
My laptop has terrible audio so I couldn’t really hear it. But what you wrote made me suddenly understand why so many people audition for American Idol who make me cringe and wonder how they thought they could sing. (Not saying this about you, it just triggered a thought.)
secret agent woman recently posted…Saturday in my City
Exactly! The difference between them and me? Incongruity RECOGNIZED AND ACKNOWLEDGED! LOL
Very impressive. The visuals. Your voice. Forgive me but it’s not yet 9am and I want to go get drunk with a tool belt yielding hunk in front of a crackling fire.
“A tool belt yielding hunk.” Hmm hmmm hmmm.
I loved it! Maybe incongruity in your head, but you sounded tons of awesome to me! And I’ve definitely been one to steal the Wii microphone out of my kid’s hand — because even though I know in my head I can’t sing, in my heart I might be able to.
Andrea recently posted…White Christmas
Yes. Your heart. Inside your big heart, there is a superwoman. 🙂