He may not know it but today marked an important milestone in my oldest’s life, and also in our life as parents.
My husband walked the boys to the bus stop this morning and he even took some pictures of them together waiting for the bus albeit with his phone*. This will be the last time they do this. My children will no longer attend the same school at the same time. It is kind of strange to realize this.
Today is the last day of grade school for my oldest child. After the summer, he will be a 7th grader, going on to junior high. I am dreading seeing it more and more as the end, or the beginning of the end, of childhood innocence for him. For us.
I am terrified. To me, junior high is alien territory. A murky space between child and teens. Where the physiological development of your child propels them across the threshold of adulthood when they are still babies.
My baby.
I did not grow up here and all my education of the American high school experience and culture came from watching high school movies produced in Hollywood, starting with Porky’s. It suffices to say that Porky’s is not very helpful, nor is it reassuring, in preparing me for junior high because, well, all these movies are about senior high schools. Junior high schools are way under-represented in Hollywood. The only movie about junior high school in my recollection is The diary of a Wimpy Kid. A movie so unsettled me that I repeatedly asked my husband, “Is it really that bad? These kids are only 12?! How can they be so mean?” until he lied and said, “No, it’s just a movie. Now stop being so crazy,” and forced my children to promise me that, yes, they WILL tell me if they are being bullied in school because “I WILL GO KICK SOMEBODY’S ASS!”
Oh, yes. I am on full-patrol bully alert. I am sharpening my shuriken and start my 12-step training as a ninja assassin because God forbid if I make it worse for my children by giving those bullies a chance to retaliate.*
I went to an “Introducing New Parents to What Junior High School is All About” meeting a few months back. The principal gave us a rundown of the curriculum, the classes offered, the extra-curricular activities available, the amount of homework expected – “Two hours minimum, and more if they take a foreign language class”, and the rules especially regarding electronics – “NONE allowed. Don’t even bring them to school.” There was a walk-through of the school property, which I missed because my son did not inform me of the meeting until that afternoon, and from what I was told, an attempt to explain how the kids will be divided into two groups because there are too many of them, the Switch and Swap between classes, and something about the homeroom not being really important since the kids are based off of their lockers.
Lockers? You mean lockers from which things inadvertently fall out and the owner of the said locker will be ridiculed and thus be relegated to the Purgatory of the Uncool? You mean lockers where the smaller kids get shoved into by the bullies all the fucking time and nobody ever stops them or at least alerts the authorities? Is it just me? Nobody else sees these lockers as potential hazards and should be purged from high schools? Or are the movies completely made up?
Good. Now I feel better. I should also stop remembering each and every high school torture scene I have seen.
Then there was the cafeteria. The pièce de résistance in every high school movie. Although I mocked myself for taking the movies too literally, I soon realized, much to my dismay, that the significance of the cafeteria is not an exaggeration by Hollywood. I spent half an hour listening to moms rehashing and reviewing the cafeteria seating assignment process and policy shared with us new parents.
The kids will have a few weeks to sit wherever they want. The day before the designated day, an announcement will be made. “Tomorrow is the day!” On the designated day, wherever the kids are sitting and whomever they are sitting with, THIS IS IT. They have to remain in that seat for the next 3 months.
The moms seemed to be satisfied that there will be quarterly rotations. So I was too. After I made this mental note…
Note to Self: Child MUST attend school on THOSE FOUR days. Even if he is coughing up blood.
All this pressure to be COOL. To NOT be uncool.
I seriously admire all of you who have grown up this way, who have gone through and survived this unscathed. Just sitting here thinking about it, the pressure is getting to me so much that I want to slit my throat. Because the boundary between COOLNESS and UNCOOLNESS seems so… fickle and arbitrary. One has no control over it. You become the hostage of your peers who are just as confused as you are.
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As I watched the children at their 6th grade party having the time of their life, I wondered whether these kids knew that their carefree days were naught: Did they know that this might be the last time all of them would be hanging out as a group and stay in such proximity to each other (for 100% innocent fun), no cliques in sight? That this would be the last time the D.J. did not need Bill Pullman’s speech at the end of Independence Day to rouse everybody to participate equally, more or less?
My heart ached.
For almost all of them this was probably the first “dancing” party they have been to. They were excited. And awkward at the same time, not sure what to do with their long limbs when the music started pounding. While I wearily noted down a few kids that could be easily pegged as “future jocks and queen bees in the making” and I mentally gave them the Robert De Niro “I’m Watching You” hand sign, short and tall, small and big, boys and girls, they all acknowledged each other’s existence. They were all hanging out and being uncool together. Crossing that mile marker. And that made it totally cool.
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*I started out wanting to write a sentimental piece about how my baby is all growing up and no longer a child. Apparently, my school of parenting is Unsentimental Parenting. Somehow this turned into an exercise in mental anguish and pre-battle prep and I am psyching myself up like Mr. “I Pity the Fool” T.
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*Correction: I forwarded my husband the email version that Feedburner sent me and he would like it to be known that he actually remembered to bring an ACTUAL camera with him that morning to the bus stop. That’s more than I can say, honey. You know how I only take pictures with my iNotPhone now.
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* Yes, I email my husband selective blog posts of mine to 1. inform him what’s going on in this household because chances are he has no idea (and this may or may not have something to do with him being a road warrior). 2. prevent him from reading posts that I don’t want need him to read.
I know how you feel. I DIE for junior high school kids. Walking into a junior high school is worse than walking into a nursing home, it’s so depressing. You can almost feel the teen angst in the air.
Your son will be OK, though! especially with the kick boxing mom. (Are you really 5′ 11″?? Cool!)
Diane Laney Fitzpatrick recently posted…And the Walls Come Tumbling Down
As Mami said, “self-consciousness and social awkwardness.” I would be scared too! I also know it’s probably worse for me than it is for my kids.
Jr. High for me wasn’t so bad. I wasn’t cool in any way (tall and skinny and completely uncoordinated – with bad hair, big thick glasses and braces) but I was so oblivious to “cool” that I wasn’t worried about being cool. I had two or three great friends and we did un-cool things together all the time. We felt super daring when we would go “night-riding” we would sneak out of the house and ride our horses at night – rebels I tell you! We spent lunch time doing geeky things like making up silly dance routines or seeing who could eat the most ice cream sandwiches in 10 minutes. I think it was because we truly didn’t care what other people thought that they just left us alone.
Based on your blogs, it sounds like your sons have a pretty good self image and might not be as affected by some of the drama that Jr. High can present. The best thing you can do for them is help them to feel happy with who they are. Oh – and help guide them to friends that are kind and caring and who also have a good self image.
Here is what I DO worry about when my son hits Jr. High (keep in mind he’s 6 – I have some time)… In Jr. High I remember hearing girls and boys talking about stealing alcohol out of their parents bar and drinking until they throw up. I remember boys smoking pot in 6th Grade. I remember people talking about having sex in 7th Grade. At the time I just though – “they’re weird”. Now I know they were trying to fit in to the “cool crowd”. Those things send shivers up my spine.
I’m not so worried about the bullies. I’m 5’11 and take kickboxing classes – they mess with my kid, they mess with me 🙂
Thank you! 5’11” is indeed very impressive. I joked about the Ninja moves and the truth is I am a weakling, a wimp. In times of need, I hope the stereotypes about All Chinese knowing Kung Fu prevail and one Bruce Lee yelp from me will scare ppl away!
So happy I found your blog! Love, Love this post! And I so, so dread the day that my kid reaches this age! It sucked, but it was also brilliant at times! I learned so much about myself and the world those 7th and 8th grade years. I also learned how to drop a bitch…because there were plenty of them! Just kidding 😉 I was 4’9 and 70 lbs in 8th grade so I wasn’t in a position to drop anything much less any one..BUT I could use my words and this is where my “Bethany Frankel” style wit evolved. It’s a wonderfully, delightful, horrid place that Jr. High, but your son will make it through and I’m 90% sure you will too!
Thank you! You had me at the title of your blog! 😉
Junior high wasn’t a walk in the park for me, but it wasn’t as awful as I sometimes make it out to be. I taught 7th grade for awhile and I was consistently impressed by how lovely most of the kids actually were. (Emphasis on kids – not all of them, not even most of them, wanted to be treated like adults.)
May your guy be surrounded by only the lovely ones. And, just in case, may your ninja assassin skills be at the ready to bail him out if need be. xo
Kristen @ Motherese recently posted…Guilt Written
As a child and family therapist, I can’t say I was one bit more aware or competent in parenting my own kids than you seem in this post. There’s no perfect prep. Erring on the side of suspecting every single child your kid related to during 7th grade, and then knowing you might be erring…that’s about as good as it gets. I get to say that because that’s how I did it and I was a pro. With me so far?
We opted for making it extra challenging by moving our family from Alaska to the beaches of SC during the summer between Last Elementary Year and First Middle School Year. Brilliant. So my youngest, (who was small, sensitive, surely gifted but not letting us in on HOW yet, and dorky/geeky enough to gladden the heart of any parent) entered a new school for The Year of The Bullies.
I can’t say it was easy on him, but I will tell a tale of survival. He just turned thirty and just married his high school sweetheart a couple of weeks ago. He had his thirtieth birthday while on his honeymoon cruise. He became a really BIG guy, somehow (we’re still baffled, but it had to do with cheeseburgers and Flintstones vitamins). His gifts turned out to be music and computers. He owns his own business in Nashville, doing digital interface of high end recording studios for the stars of country, blues, and jazz.
The guy who gave him the hardest time in middle school came to the wedding…he also happened to be our next door neighbor in our new neighborhood. I threatened to kill this kid when my son was in 6th grade. I threatened to whup his ass several times when my son was in 7th and 8th grades. By 10th grade, my kid was starting to really shine and he’d gotten BIG; Needs His Ass Kicked Kid was on a slippery slope to Loserville. In high school, my son was kind to this kid out of pity. At the wedding, that kid hugged me and whispered, “I was really lucky to have had you guys move in next door to me when you did.”
Wedding gift to Mother of The Groom.
Your sweet children will survive and thrive because they’ve got your DNA and YOU!
Nance recently posted…SC’s Slur-Slinging Crapfest
Thank you so much for this wonderful comment! The story you told gave me the goosebumps (the good kind). When they say, It takes a village, I think they have ppl like you in mind!!
I’m perplexed by the cafeteria seating plan. We did not have this where I went to junior high. I think it would have made my stomach hurt. For me, junior high was painful. High school was wonderful as far as being accepted, junior high was just self-consciousness and social awkwardness.
“junior high was just self-consciousness and social awkwardness” You nailed it! I am 40 years old and I am still fighting this! Ugh.
Ugh. I can’t stand watching all these movies with the awful bullying. Tonight my daughter and I watched Pretty in Pink and there it was again – from 1986.
My kids have also been at the same school forever and this marked the last time for them too. My son just graduated 8th grade and is going to high school in the fall and is 4 years older than my daughter. And they’ve been at the most incredible Jewish day school in the world, just a great place to be a kid. It’s hard to believe that’s over for him.
Linda at Bar Mitzvahzilla recently posted…Tween Sophisticate
I don’t get the “lesson” we are supposed to learn from Pretty in Pink. I want a lesson that shows our kids: screw those “cool” kids and not, try hard and you’ll be accepted by the cool kid. I always wish Ducky would have got the girl. So I hope he ended up with that hot chic. Lol
Like you, I wasn’t educated here so this is going to be painful for me too. Especially since all I know about schools here is from American TV. Makes me wonder, how real is My So Called Life and Dawson’s Creek?
Justine recently posted…He left me for a hottie
My So Called Life would be very depressing… Dawson’s Creek. Those kids are highschoolers?! OMG. Wasn’t that Mrs. Cruise? Whoa. Yet another reason I’m kind of relieved I only have boys.
blogher is giving me that junior high feeling all over again. how will i hide my awkardness? why didn’t i grow out of this shit? will you protect me?
pattypunker recently posted…plastic joy award
Many have the same anxiety. Me too! That’s why I’m very grateful that many of you are going and we will have each other’s back!
So that mean’s I can start dating him in only 8 years, right? Aww. yeah.
Elly Lou recently posted…Broken Bells
Right. So consider next Thursday your interview. 😉
Oldest daughter faces the same thing next year with our #1 grandson. Like you, she will be hell on wheels if need be. And you’re right. . . you MUST be! The “boys will be boys” mentality that has allowed the bullies to rule must be addressed.
Daughter will love this post and cheer you on. Too bad you’re not in the same school system–you could have a Mom Mafia (and call grandma if a hit contract became necessary.) KIDDING! i think.
Mary Lee recently posted…Hum Along, Take II
Oh oh oh. We would be the baddest ass-kicking mombrigade. I would like to see a movie of this!
My 3rd is now a junior in HS. Middle school is never as bad as you think. The teachers and principals always love to scare you, like now your kid is 30 and can’t be depending on his mama any more. Don’t let them intimidate you! You sound like such an amazing mom. The kids will be fine; it’s always tougher on us.
Maureen@IslandRoar recently posted…Making My Mark
Thank you. I try. I freak out on the regular basis. Thank goodness for blogging so I can get this out of my system and then continue to appear to be nonchalant when inside I am burning up.
I started out reading this, getting all weepy and sentimental and then you end with your dead on observations, not pulling any punches. I heart you! You are so awesome in all your awesomeness!
Jane recently posted…Sit Back. Enjoy the Show. My New Mantra.
GBH & K!
😉
Aww, Jesus. Junior High. Junior High sucks hard.
Luckily, you are a cool, ass-kicking mama who will, no doubt, brilliantly navigate that child through the potholes and quicksand.
TheKitchenWitch recently posted…Minted Watermelon and Lemon Ice Pops
Awww thank you. I came here to vent all my craziness so I can be cool and collected. Every time I went to the school, I gave those kids I pegged as future bullies my “I’m watching you” 10-feet stare. They have been forewarned.
I hated junior high since I was one of the chubby kids–everyone in grade school had sort of accepted me for what I was but junior high was a whole new world and it was NOT pleasant. I didn’t have to worry about the cafeteria thing since I brought my lunch to school and ate it with another unpopular creature in the girls bathroom, which of course made us even more untouchable because that was just gross. Junior high is when you discover how really mean kids can be, but fortunately I made it to senior high without too much trauma (my mother was an incredible pillar of strength for me) and things got better. You will be there for your son, too, and hopefully he’ll turn out to be one of the cool kids!
Vintage Christine recently posted…More Blatant Braggin’ On My Husband
So grateful that your mom was there for you. I am so mad now that you had to eat your lunch in the bathroom! See? That’s why I should never get a time machine ’cause I will be a vigilante I tell ya.
This got me. Uggh! I feel for you Lin because Andrea’s right it is harder on us than on them (or so we tell ourselves). Who knows what really goes on. I am all for cameras and microphones in book bags and on clothing. What do you say?
Lockers and cafeterias are a staple in every school bully scene. Kind of like the dumb ass woman in a high-speed drama who ALWAYS falls in a chase scene.
I agree. I want to put a chip in my kids too. I know I sound deranged…
Awwww, I have a feeling this will be way harder on you than on him (as it will be the same for me when my oldest is there)!! But I’m very glad to know who to call if I ever need backup for kicking the asses of bullies. 🙂
I know you are right but I am super protective when it comes to my kids. I am the only one who gets to bully them!