Saturday Smörgåsbord

I have been watching SpongeBob with Mr. Monk this whole day except when I am being the Chauffeur. (And I know I am not the only Weekend Chauffeur around here…) You know what I admire SpongeBob the most? He does not seem to understand the concept of Envy and Jealousy, and therefore he is always genuinely over-the-top happy for other’s good fortune, accomplishment and success.

He is, in fact, always happy.

For this rare virtue, he comes off as insane. Unaware. Unhinged.

(Ok, fine. For you anti-random-theorizing folks out there, SpongeBob comes off as insane mostly because he understands spoken words literally…)

.

.

It is cold. As in…

I half expected to see a polar bear floating by on one of these pieces of ice

Breaking the ice. Literally.

.

.

My husband complained about me not responding to his email or just in general, plainly ignoring him while he travels abroad on business. What can I say? I am the Champion in Compartmentalizing. Guilty as charged. So I sent him this picture above and wrote, “Wish you were here!”

.

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Completely unrelated. Really. I swear. Girl Scout Honor. I just saw this on our fridge and I am proud of our family motto, so I took a picture of it. That’s it. Really. Not trying to say anything. Not a comment at all.

43 thoughts on “Saturday Smörgåsbord

  1. Mary Lee

    I love the way your mind meanders. Remember the funny gynecology receptionist internet recording where she suggested that the caller may have a SUIT – Something Up In There? I feel the same way about your brain. Whatever it is, it is special, funny, unpredictable, and amazing.
    Mary Lee recently posted…White Flag of SurrenderMy Profile

    Reply
  2. Justine

    Ice sucks, but the snow I love. So glad to get a decent dose of it this weekend to cover up the ugly mess that the last one dissolved into. The city is back to its pristine white again, and that makes me happy. Yeah, you can call me Spongebob 🙂
    Justine recently posted…The Dodo in my lifeMy Profile

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  3. Brilliant Sulk

    Not to rub it in or anything, but it was 62 delightful degrees here today in San Francisco. I was prancing about in my halter top and Daisy Dukes…

    I have never watched Spongebob. Should I?
    Brilliant Sulk recently posted…sighMy Profile

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  4. Alexandra

    Why not whine? It’s the only thing that makes me feel good when I’ve lost the feeling in my fingertips from the cold.

    Why not.

    Loved this commiseration here today, thank you.

    Reply
    1. Absence Alternatives Post author

      Your Royal Highness, I beseech you to declare WHINING to be the sole right of MOTHERS and that any person who is not the person who gave birth in the household should have no right to whine at the threat of a big giant noogie.

      Reply
  5. MacDougal Street Baby

    I have a “no whining” sign plastered on my kitchen wall but my children are its intended audience. Not only do I support the parental kvetch, I believe it can cure many of the world’s woes. Suppressing a bark only leads to a bite.

    Reply
    1. Absence Alternatives Post author

      How do you do this? How do you use words in such inventive ways?

      “My nipples just retracted inside my tits.” Genius. May I steal this? “Snow is a destination, not a weather condition.” I need this on a t-shirt. No. On my snow shovels. I am going to steal this one too. Thank you for commenting so I may steal your words. 😉

      Reply
      1. Seer McRicketts-McGee

        Happy to be of service, my friend!

        You can probably put some Tiger Balm on your nips to coax ’em back out again, but no guarantee that they’ll be in good shape afterward. They probably won’t taste very good. But at our age, does it really matter so much?

        I actually lived upstairs from someone in college (the very first time I went to college) whose neighbor used to only come over to his room to borrow his Tiger Balm to rub it on her nipples. I don’t think her nipples fell off–if they had I would most likely have heard about it; I mean, I did hear about when she told someone that because she’d slept with him she wanted to “sew her legs together and become a nun”–so I guess that counts as safety testing of some sort. Not of drugs. All of this says clearly: don’t do drugs. Drugs, bad. Whoo boy. Bad, bad drugs. Sit in the corner, you drugs.
        Seer McRicketts-McGee recently posted…Oh- you fuckers You fucking fucks Fuck you- tooMy Profile

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  6. Jessica

    I need one of those buttons….no whining. Mostly for me, probably.

    What’s the Spongebob sidekick? I like him…that purple blobby guy? He’s so simple minded…

    Reply
  7. Nance

    Hey! Are youse tryin’ ta rob me of my First Amendment rights?! NO WHINING?! If I cut out whining, that eliminates exactly 50% of my communication repertoire; the other half is bitchin’. Join me in demanding our right to whine by signing this petition…
    Nance recently posted…A Likely StoryMy Profile

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