Tag Archives: funny haha

How do we learn Hip Lingo if we don’t watch TV, OR What you don’t know won’t hurt you

6 yo offered to make me a “pocket” with paper.

“Is it ok if I use pink paper for you?”

“Pink will be great! If you use pink it would be HUGE!” Channeling my inner Paris Hilton for a second over there.

Puzzled look. “What do you mean it will be Huge?”

“Uh. I meant it would be awesome…”

Relieved look. “Oh. Great. I thought you meant the pocket would become Really Big if I use pink…”

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Bonus Round: My son, the Statistician…

“Mom, I think you will be the first in the family to die.”

“Why?”

“Because you are the oldest. So there will be a 100% chance you will be the first to die, and 90% chance for daddy to be the first to die, and 0% chance for me to be the first to die.”

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Bonus Round II: Learning human anatomy…

Overheard 6 year-old to 11 year-old:

“Do you know your wiener is not your guts? Your guts are here” (pointing to his tummy)

“You people!” is symptomatic of something that none of us want to admit…

(I promise. This is going to be the final rant from me. There is a bit OCD in my personality, and sometimes things just bother me and I cannot let go. Most of the time these are “trivial” by most people’s measure. But are they REALLY trivial? Perhaps they are only trivial because you are not affected by it?)

Here is what I have been thinking…

No matter where you are in the world, the advantage of being one of the majority, the mainstream, the dominant society, is that you have the freedom to just be you. No REPRESENT! No speaking for your race, nationality, gender, etc. No “Tell us something about your culture” as if by the nature of being who you are, you automatically are well-versed in the history/culture/geography of where you are supposed to come from. And nobody will ever ever say to you,

“You people…”

 

Tropic Thunder You People meme gif

Say What? Only in real life would such funny things be said in a court of law. And only in America…

This email was sent to me this morning, and provided much laughter inside my head.  I believe, like all jokes being passed around on the Internet today, this has been going around for a few years, especially considering that the following quotations are from a book called Disorder in the Court: Great Fractured Moments in Courtroom History by Charles M. Sevilla, published in 1999. 
 
Some of the gems from Amazon.com's brief introduction to the book:
 
A psychiatrist, starting with a court assertion that "we're not arguing truth here, we're arguing evidence," declares that "I am not here using common sense, I am an expert." A defendant accused of drunken driving displays delightful candor by pleading "guilty as hell." A team of three overzealous defense attorneys beats up a client to provide evidence of self-defense.
 
Apparently, the following are "things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were taking place."
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there..
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

“Twouble with Twitters” Funny animation vid explaining and condemning Twitter

Funny in a, “I know there is something wrong but I just can’t stop it” kind of way. Sort like chocolate. Or, porn, for some people, I guess.

“Who are you talking to?”
“No one and every one!”

Someone posted link to this vid as a comment to the thought-provoking “It’s Official – Twitter Is A Cult” by Jeremy Toeman. In which Mr. Toeman did an analysis, comparing Twitter to the official definitions of a cult. It is humorous yet alarming at the same time.

The entire article is here:
http://www.livedigitally.com/2009/04/14/its-official-twitter-is-a-cult/

I am trying to cut back. But Twitter to me was like weed in the beginning. Now that I have installed Tweetdeck, it has become like crack cocain. So easy to get addicted to, so much harder to rehab.

Posted via web from The Absence of Alternatives

Which countries lead in Teenage Drunkenness? Note to self: Do not move to Denmark…

This Daily Chart from the Economist solved it for me: have been agonizing over whether to move to Denmark since we love Legos so… Now I know with two impressionable boys, this is a country we should keep away from during their teenage years…

Denmark and excessive drinking? No surprise really, if you have seen this vid:

This is how you should order your fastfood! Taco Bell Drive-Thru Song

The most amazing things about this vid, in addition to the lovable singers-songwriters and the catchy lyrics and melody, are the ordering screen keeping up with the food items mentioned in the song and the drive-thru guy.

Is this truly unscripted? The drive-thru guy is not in on this? Amazing! He should definitely get a raise: THE BEST order taker at a drive-thru I have ever seen.

Posted via web from The Absence of Alternatives

“Man boobs”, or, To raise boys you need great sense of humor…

I was finally going to go to bed but found in the dark something on my pillow. I could tell that they are water-filled balloons since the boys were playing with balloons in the bathtub earlier… I also felt a note under my pillow so I turned the light on again to read it. Imagine my surprise and mixed reactions when I saw the “balloons” in this fashion…

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What? These are water-filled balloons. Filthy mind!

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And the note as written by my 11yo says:

It was 6 yo’s idea to put them together like this and call them “man boobs”. He in no way liked this but promised to do something so only 20% his fault.

I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. I think I will sleep for 3 hours first then decide.

The importance of understanding Chinese…

Someone forwarded me this as a cautionary tale for people to understand the Chinese characters on the t-shirts they are wearing or, especially important, those that you are about to have tattooed on your body:

1. Pig. Not BOAR. But PIG. There is only one common Chinese word which stands for all types of pigs, but mostly the domesticated pigs, so yes, all negative stereotypes apply and don’t kid yourself by saying what you have means BOAR. NOT.

2. Not sure whether she is knowingly wearing the t-shirt for shock values since it says “Love intercourse the most”. ‘nough said.

3. Chicken. Again, the one common Chinese character that stands for all chicken, so for example, Rooster is “male chicken”, chick, “little chicken”, chicken (that you eat), “chicken meat”, and so on. The trouble with this t-shirt is that this word is also a slang for “hooker”…

4. The kanji (Chinese characters used in Japanese) on the t-shirt says PERVERT. It would be funny if the person wearing it looked anything but…