Tag Archives: metablogging

“Bring Back Thanksgiving!” Number One, baby!

I know this is sad on so many different levels… Let’s not even talk about how sad it is that I got so excited over the fact that my “Bring Back Thanksgiving” post is, as of this second, the number one result on Google.

What got me really sad is that not enough people care, or even wonder, about the demise of, the neglect over Thanksgiving sandwiched between the TWO Retail-Friendly holidays. I will not name names. You know who you are, said holidays… Since that would explain why mine shows up on the very top.

But gloat I will, even just for 5 minutes. So…

Oh yeah, oh yeah. Who’s your daddy? Or rather, who’s your emotionally unstable mommy?!

The world needs a new meme “I comment therefore I am”

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Unknown Mami over at well, Unknown Mami, struck gold with this great idea of creating yet another Internet Meme:

I comment therefore I am.

The idea is: we express ourselves, in addition to through our own blogs, also by leaving traces of ourselves with our comments all over the interweb. Unknown Mami decided that all of our comments are worthy enough to be turned into real posts. Because she herself is a prolific commentator, she is turning this into a weekly feature on her blog, otherwise the post would get too long… she said.

An idea that cuts down the actual writing? Esp. in the blasted month of NaBloPoMo? I am 100% down with it. I will at least try it this once. Take that NaBloPoMo! Another DAY bites the dust! Besides, I always do believe that comments are often the funniest, sometimes the scariest (i.e. on the political blogs), yet always the most revealing part of a website/blog.

I thought some of you may want to play too! So gather up all of your stellar comments: all your humorous, ironic, sarcastic, poignant, illuminating, sincere, pontificating comments, and turn them into a post.

The following are selected evidence of my insomnia, my restlessness, when I roam the earth in search of my next victim… Again, warning: discussions of Race and Stereotypes abound…

In response to #11 Asian Girls on the list that Stuff White People Like…

Disclaimer/Explanation: The way I see it, this site, Stuff White People Like, employees a tongue-in-cheek, straight-faced, sardonic, wry humor that I recognize in myself. When I saw #11 Asian Girls, I thought it was hilariously awesome. If we cannot laugh at ourselves, we have no right to laugh at the others. That’s how I view this world. Of course, of all the “items” listed on this HUMOR site, #11 has proven to be the most controversial and incited the most comments, and heated debates. Please be warned, and I am being serious, many most of the 17,295 (as of today) comments are lewd (even by my standard) and malicious. And in case you wonder, yes, I did read through many pages of the previous comments, before I left mine on Page 454. I considered it to be Cultural Study. Or as Sun Tzu said, “Know your enemy and know yourself and you can fight a hundred battles without a single failure.” (I have to google this shit up too. So no, just because I am Chinese doesn’t mean I have studied the Art of War…)

p.s. Something funny: I actually “tracked down” the genius who wrote #11 Asian Girls, and he wrote, “Yes, I am the non-white guy that is part of StuffWhitePeopleLike. Please stop sending my hate mail…”

Without further delay, here is one of the finest comments I have written. A masterpiece in the art of sarcasm.

#11 Asian Girls

submom on June 10, 2009 at 9:58 am

Dear Sir, I would like to thank you for putting us #11 out of the many things that white people like. I feel truly honored. (Do NOT imagine me saying that in an accent a la Master Splinter…)

On the other hand, I have to be honest, I am rather peeved that we are not on the Top 10 List. (Wes Anderson?! Ok. Fine. I can live with that. I like him too) I am not sure whether you have had a chance to read through all 14500+ comments generated by this post. (Great job! Congrats!) Granted most of them are hate mails from all groups of males: Maybe for once they can all agree to hate Asian females and hate each other? I thought I’d leave a post to thank your readers for the new insights about ourselves that I didn’t know before.
Here are a few things I’ve learned from your ab. fab. and maddeningly funny post:

1. If you are white and male and you are looking to date a girl of Asian descent (hey, let’s be PC here, peeps!) show her to your other Asian, preferably male, friends. (If you have no other friends of Asian descent, hmmm, I think there should be another post about this situation but I digress…) As a last resort, take her to any Asian restaurant (No, Panda Express does NOT count!) Ask them whether she is HOT by their standards. Do not trust your own judgement.

2. If you are a girl of Asian descent and are fielding interest from a non-Asian male, do ask him whether he’s ever been to Asia and more importantly, whether he’s taught English there. If YES to the latter or if he has stayed there for longer than a month, RUN.

3. If he says, “I love Panda Express.” Punch him in the nose and then RUN.

4. If you think you may be suffering from Yellow Fever or Asian Fetish, you really should get it looked at. Your insurance may cover it.

In response to the question posted on BlogHer: Dating Deal Breakers: What Merits an Automatic Dismissal?

I said:

“The first two questions I asked my husband as a litmus test when he first showed signs of interest in me (or when I finally were sure that he was interested): 1. Did you belong to a fraternity? 2. Have you ever been to Asia for an extended period of time?/Have you dated a woman of Asian descent? He answered NO to both. I admit I based the first question on stereotypes of frat boys from the movies/TV shows. Yes, I am a Fraternist. No apology there. The second question was necessary because I am Asian, and I have seen enough Western men (regardless of skin colors) with “yellow fever” to be alarmed. If he were into me JUST (or even, first and foremost) because I am Asian. Then sorry, not into that. I have also seen enough white boys being totally spoiled in Asian countries thinking they are the cat’s meow to want to weed out, or at least be super cautious towards, anybody that has spent a lot of time over there.

My other deal-breakers are more normal: RUDE to people in the service industry, e.g. waiters, doormen. Failure to hold doors open for others. Ok, maybe not so normal. I consider these to be telltale signs for a person’s character.”

Inadvertently I shared too much too candid too soon. Seriously, are you surprised? I may have also touched upon an area, race/skin color, that in general makes people hesitate, if not downright uncomfortable. The host of this discussion did not respond to my comment.

What is your blog rated?

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I have to say, and yes, the following reaction says a lot about my pretension, my secretly wanting to appear to be what I am not: edgy, devil may care, swashbuckling, avant garde, ground-breaking, cool, I WAS DISAPPOINTED MY BLOG WAS RATED

WTF? I am seriously crushed.

G?

I would think it at least warranted a PG-13.

I can’t believe I have only said FUCK once. So after all this, I have been exposed as a Prude. Great. Just great… Great as in

G???!!!

p.s. You can also rate your own blog on this dating site. And come back and gloat if you are rated better than G. Yes, come back and GLOAT! So I can curse you and thus improve my rating.

p.p.s. In case it is broken, I tested the accuracy of the rating algorithms with The Bloggess’ website. Fuck. It is very accurate…

NC-17 No Shit

p.p.p.s. PSA: Do remember to clear the histories if you are married or in a serious, supposedly committed relationship, you know, so you don’t get into unnecessary fights with your significant other(s). (Am I awesome or what for reminding you this?!)

p.p.p.p.s. I want to ask you guys: this format of Endless Postscripts, you all used it at high school when passing notes back and forth with your girlfriends, right? Don’t let me down.

p.p.p.p.p.s. Turns out I am rated differently on different dating sites. Excuse me, but why are dating sites offering blog ratings?

This must be from a super conservative or Self-denial Anonymous dating site: the reason for my blog’s BETTER rating is cited as Fuck (x1), Death (x1).

Credit: I need to give credit to My Wildlife’s Words. I found this phenom of Blog Rating badge-thingy through her “connections”.

Hey, I am not the only one who thinks that the Smiley looks like a pervert!

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Jane over at They Call Me Jane has been calling for everybody to share their crazy search terms, i.e. the keywords with which people were led to your blog, and she calls this Friday The 13th,

Share Your Crazy Search Engine Terms Day!

It is Jane. Naturally I ~~obliged~~. wanted to be in on it. (Just confirmed my suspicion by really looking the word “obliged” up: it has the connotation of doing someone a favor. Doh. It is the other way around. Hence the correction). Not only that, because she used to be a teacher, and you know, “Once a teacher, always a teacher”: I even did my homework assignment in EXCEL. Yeah, I am a teacher’s pet. Bite me. (Not to mention the free blogging idea to fill the daily quota for NaBloPoMo… But Shhh… Don’t tell Ms. Jane, please)

Unfortunately, none of my search terms are overtly exciting… As you can see for yourself: (You will also see that I don’t get too many hits. But THAT is ok. Really. I mean it… I am having fun. More importantly, I have made a few great friends in the process…)

One search term (or group of search terms) that did get my attention is “Smiley Pervert”. There are 15 searches that used similar terms: perverted smiley faces, pervy face. I am happy to confirm once and for all that I was NOT the only one wondering: What is the deal with the smiley faces looking so similar to a pervert? Once again, the Internet helped me prove that I am not insane.

I did remember seeing the search term, “what a serial killer look like,” but it did not show up in the summary my Blog Stats showed me. Oh well. Maybe the serial killer wannabe also hacked into my account and got rid of the record because he did not want to leave any trace of him ever wondering what a serial killer looks like.

Since my own search terms are not bizarre at all, I decided to artificially provide random blogs with bizarre search terms such as,

“Cow Poop For Dinner”

“My Girlfriend Hot Mom” Warning: Searching this term will result in lots of pornographic sites. No shit.

“Dung Beetle Soup” and then “Dung Beetle Salad”

“Frog Milkshake” This actually does exist as a food item somewhere in South America. Dreamed up by one woman who, clearly, has lost her mind!

“Hippo Vomit Sandwich” Some lady is going to learn that the announcement of her pregnancy attracted this bizarre search term…

“Ninja Sex” Well, turns out Ninja Sex Party is a comedy troupe. So I modified it to “Ninja Sex Lunchroom”. A poor, unsuspecting Book Review Blog will be pondering over the stats tomorrow, wondering… WTF?

But I swear, I was NOT the one that searched for Wrinkled Boobs, which coincidentally was the genesis of Jane’s Share Your Crazy Search Engine Terms Day bonanza.

I hope I don’t get an F in this assignment…

Things I should be doing instead of agonizing over falling behind for NaBloPoMo…

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I know myself only too well. I already missed the 8th post for this NaBloPoMo thing I decided to participate in. Deadline yesterday. But I am going to cheat by turning time backwards through the magic buttons on my blog dashboard.

It is not because I am a religious person and I don’t believe in working on Sundays. That would have thrown a giant monkey wrench in this whole A Blog Post EVERY Day thing. For that conundrum, Pajamas and Coffee had an ingenuous solution. It would have been due to a religious reason if Laziness counts as a religion. I didn’t write a post yesterday (which is today if you look at the date on this blog) because I actually had lunch with a group of friends and afterwards had a friend over and we finished an entire pot of Spiked Rum Apple Cider. Social life is very inconvenient when you are an aspiring blogger… Just sayin.

So to make up for the missing day (which is today in case you are confused), I am going to insert a filler post called, “Things I should be doing instead of agonizing over Not Blogging” since that was what I did, inside my head, when I was still sober, the whole day yesterday (today, I mean… Ok. You got it…)

Blogging. Duh.
Doing Quicken. I haven’t touched that baby since July. All of our Credit Card accounts have automatic payment set up, so I have been slacking on reconciling the statements with actual shit that I ordered online. I am sure by now there have been numerous fraud purchases charged to my litany of cards now. Well, here is what I am thinking: I HOPE, if there is any fraud charge, it is of a pornographic kind. THAT would be a hilarious topic for my blog to help fill this void I call My NaBloPoMo Idea Bank…
Doing the laundry. I can’t see the floor in my closet any more because there is a mountain of dirty clothes. That should be a sign when you need to hurl yourself over the mountain to get to the other side to reach your clean clothes.
Folding the laundry. I HATE HATE HATE folding the laundry. Probably because it means I cannot be on the computer when I am folding the laundry. There are currently three baskets (the record was five. I love buying laundry baskets) on the family room floor, waiting for me to pay attention to them. My kids have learned to look into the dryer to find clothes to wear in the morning. Did I tell you that I have the best kids and I love them?
Grocery shopping. There is no milk nor bread left: The common barometer for how well a household is faring. No milk/no bread = Irresponsible mothers = Ignored kids = Repressed anger = Serial killers

Nope. That’s not an oversight on my part. Believe me, it’s always the MOTHER’S fault…

So there you go. A filler post. Tissues in my bras. White tube socks in my pants. 99% of the stuff found in hot dogs (which I feed my children with. Thank you very much). The thing they injected into Octomom’s lips… Oh, you get the idea.

If you keep a “life” blog and therefore experience existential crisis on a regular basis…

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You have got to read this:

Blogging for Dummies by Aunt Becky (she’s actually young and hot) over at Mommy Wants Vodka. As someone who has experimented with making my own bacon-flavored vodka, she had me at the name of her blog…

When I stumbled upon her genuine, honest, tell-it-like-it-is advice about blogging and perhaps more importantly, keeping your sanity while blogging, I was in awe. She has such a Zen attitude towards this whole life blogging adventure, arguably one of the most daring things each one of us, for one reason or another, has decided to embark on by baring our souls, putting ourselves out there. The agony first about who will be reading this thing that you meant for yourself, and soon turning into how come nobody is reading it…

To see the entire list, please do the bunny hop over to her post. The following are the ones that really struck a cord and have been keeping me thinking since last night:

“Blogging for Dummies” – selected gems from Aunt Becky’s MOST USEFUL BLOGGING ADVICE, HANDS DOWN, EVA.

No one will read you for a couple months. It’s okay. Soldier on.

If you want people to read you, read other blogs.

If you want more comments then comment until your fingers bleed.

And finally, this advice that made me forever in her debt since it reminded me that I am an adult and thus saved me from reliving schoolyard clique nightmares…

There will be bloggers who will NEVER visit your blog no matter how many amazing and witty comments you leave. Period. Move on if it hurts your feelings.

There are a lot more on her post. Do check it out. I have a feeling that the list may give you the peace of mind you don’t even know you are searching for…

p.s. Wondering whether she has considered making a poster out of this? I need one on my wall for late night musings.

“The Simple Grace of Sharing a Meal” Or, My first gig as a guest blogger

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Velva over at Tomatoes on the Vine kindly asked me to be a guest on her blog. I had to agree because if she was crazy enough to ask me, who knows what’s going to happen if I had said No to her?

So, please hop over now (but NOT like a frog) and visit Velva’s lovely blog if you haven’t already, and while you are there, please read my ramblings on how I couldn’t cook (and why was I a guest blogger on a COOKING/FOOD BLOG?! I told you already, she lost her mind! Must be all the Martinis she drinks over there down in the South, aka Florida.)

In this scintillating tale I shall illustrate how to properly entertain Southern Gentlemen…

I will also show you what happens when there is no minimum legal drinking age…

If you are still here, I am running out of ideas to entice you… Fine. Do I need to pull a The Bloggess (God, I miss that woman… wish she were not frolicking in Japan right now and were working hard to keep us entertained with her high jinks…) and tell you that I will be sharing a revealing photo of myself over there?

Really. I swear.

There should be a law against laziness… (Wo)man up, Award Time!

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On 17 October 2009, the lovely Jane over at They Call Me Jane temporarily lost her mind and shared with me another award that she just won. It is displayed below as Exhibit 1 Exhibit 2:

Kreativ Blogger Award

If I don’t end up in the nut house, it is partly because the love and support from a stranger, who no longer feels like a stranger any more, and her name is Jane. I am not saying this because Jane has given me two awards. Two awards! That’s got to count as something, right?! She is one of the most level-headed, fair, rational, understanding, sensitive, thoughtful, and wisest people I have come to know through this thing invented by Al Gore. Her blog is like a fresh breath of air: a thinking blog that does not put your to sleep. And the most important thing is? She is REAL. She is NOT pretentious. She is naturally cool without having to say one single cuss word.

At this point, after reading her blog on a nearly daily basis, Jane can say nothing wrong in my book. If she says, one day, and this is purely hypothetical, people, that she is actually a bunny killer, Imma gonna guess it is the bunnies’ fault. Just sayin.

It took me more than 2 weeks to officially “accept” this award because I have to come up with 7 random things about me. I guess nothing X-rated is allowed… And you all know, at least those who have read my blog on a semi-regular basis (i.e. more than 3 times in the past 6 months), that I am Asian, more specifically, Chinese. There goes my Number 1 through Number 3: Hi, surprise! I am Asian/Chinese. I can speak/read/write Chinese. I like rice. (I DO! DAMN IT!).

Ok. Here it goes, in no particular order:

I am secretly obsessed with angels. As in, I believe in them. Or, I strongly wish they are/were real, even though I am not Christian. I envision them to be the angels in Wim Wender’s “Wings of Desire” (Der Himmel über Berlin). NOT the Nicolas Cage one. Oh, god, no.
I am agnostic because I am too cowardly to make up my mind. I want to have my cake and eat it too.
I am a classic insecure overachiever. Psychotic. A bit bi-polar. I guess I should have added these to my “About” page. Oh well.
Laziness and fear of embarrassment are the driving forces of my life.
I played Lizzie Borden in a play when I was in graduate school. In fact, I played a few other homicidal characters, including Hamlet and one of the women in “Unfinished Women Cry in No Man’s Land While a Bird Dies in a Gilded Cage” who gets to wield an ICE PICK! (I was totally typecast, I suspected…)
Being on stage was the only times when I felt completely free. I miss that feeling with a heartache, barely noticeable except during the night, when I am writing to nobody. Like now.
I also played Billy the Kid (adapted from Michael Ondaatje’s book) and I had the best lines in my acting career:

After shooting Gregory
this is what happened

I’d shot him well and careful
made it explode under his heart
so it wouldn’t last long
was about to walk away
when this chicken paddles out to him
and as he was falling hops on his neck
digs the beak into his throat
straightens legs and heaves
a red and blue vein out

Meanwhile he fell
and the chicken walked away

still tugging at the vein
till it was 12 yards long
as if it held that body like a kite
Gregory’s last words being

get away from me yer stupid chicken

I am kind of depressed now because I just realized that none of these things that I have shared with you I share with my co-workers after more than 5 years working together, in a very small office space. Because I don’t think they are interested in hearing about it.

Without further ado, I am going to pass this award along to…. Drum roll please…

Tomatoes on the Vine

Velva’s food/cooking blog is more than that. She genuinely believes in the simple ritual of sharing a meal as the way we create and maintain a community. Besides, it is always yummy to look at the photos.

booshy

On her blog, Jessica comes up with ideas. Lots and lots of ideas. I honestly cannot tell you what her blog is about. But I enjoy reading her ramblings. They make me smile. Her latest “scheme” is to get everybody to come up with a “I am thankful for” list and send it to her before November 24. So why not?!

Life is Not a Movie

I think Robin is a bit insane. I said that with affection and as a compliment. She is a woman of many talents: a radio show, a photography blog, and who knows what else. Warning: She is an avid Kevin Spacey fan. So don’t say anything bad about Kevin. Or introduce yourself as Mrs. Spacey. I never know what to expect when I click on her blog every day. But it is always a nice surprise.

My Wildlife’s Words

Jennifer Lynn is a wildlife biologist. Seriously, I’d never thought I would meet someone in that line of business. She is saving the earth for all of us! And her observations of life are full of interesting perspectives that will make you go, How come I’ve never thought of it that way? (Well, you would have if you were a wildlife biologist. And if you are, do let me know! I’d never thought I would meet TWO!) She is probably going to protest and say, “I don’t write about THAT topic on a regular basis. It was an one-off special edition. Limited time only.” But her post on Elk Vagina, yup, you read that correctly, is educational and hilarious.

Where Insulin Meets Insolence

Lynn is a great writer. She has a great way with words. And metaphors. (Well, duh, all great writers are good at these things. This is why I am not a good writer). This post is one of my all-time favorites: Four on the Floor. I think she should publish some of her essays. They are that good. This is her personal blog where she can be, well, “insolent”. Her essays are over at “I have measured out my lives in MP3s”.

National Blog Posting Month OR NaBloPoMo. Try saying it fast 3 times…

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On the second day of November I learned that November is actually the National Blog Posting Month. (Thanks to Pajamas and Coffee)

The concept is straightforward:

For the entire month of November, the participant will write a post for every day. 30 posts in 30 days.

I have never succeeded in keeping a long term commitment (except my marriage…) Every year, when I was growing up, I would vow to keep a diary. I end up with a dozen journals with no more than 10 pages with stuff written on them. Maybe I am just coming down from my sugar high (left over from Halloween! I wonder whether this is the reason why NaBloPoMo falls in November?) Or I am coming down with the Swiner. I found this idea intriguing. So I am giving myself a challenge.

What is the most awesome thing I found about this movement that is impossible to pronounce without ending up catching myself saying MoFo…?

They have a category for blogs called Psychotic Ranting / Anonymous Foaming

Perfection.

I am going to put that on my badge when I go to BlogHer 2010. IF I do.

p.s. By the way, I totally cheated. And it is only 12:39 AM on November 3… First of all, I changed the publish date from November 2 to November 1 for the post that now listed as published on November 1. I DID write it on November 1, I swear! I just didn’t have time to edit and publish it before the weekend was over. Then for November 2, I totally crapped out by blogging with charts from The Economist. What’s next? Post my child’s artwork and call it a day? (I already did that!) On November 3, I blogged about how I am going to blog every day for the month of November. I can already detect a trend: on November 4, I will blog about how I am afraid I may not be able to keep this up. On November 5, I will congratulate myself for not giving up and blog about it… etc. etc.

The Absence of Alternatives

My therapy sessions…