Tag Archives: sarcastic bitches rock

Quote Fingers vs. Jazz Hands

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I am never taken seriously on the hardcore race/social justice discussion website Racialicious. But it is ok. I still visit often and once in a while cannot help but put in my $0.02 worth and continue to be ignored by the other commenters that are a lot more serious than I am… Because…

Unknown Mami

Oh yeah.

For the very serious discussion: “POLITICAL CORRECTNESS” IS A REACTIONARY TERM AGAINST THE LOSS OF PRIVILEGE I decided to lighten up the scene by interjecting (injecting) some humor in it:

I see the term “politically correct” or “politically incorrect” as the new “I am sorry but no offense” or the new “with all due respect”. It is mostly used with “quotation marks” and often accompanied by “wink wink”. I think from now on when somebody uses the term in the “quotation mark” way, we should combat it with Jazz Hands…

I thought that was a brilliant idea. No?

Dr. Evil - Abuser of Quotation Marks

Dr. Evil - Abuser of Quote Fingers


vs.

Possibly the most macho Jazz Hands you'll ever see

Possibly the most macho Jazz Hands you'll ever see

Seriously. I cannot be 100% serious at all times.

Holiday cheer continues… “The Why’s of Men”

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The following is a collection of jokes emailed to me by more than one of my girlfriends. It warms my heart whenever I see these jokes spread like wild fires: I know, I am not alone. And it comforts me. It gives me strength to ignore the gloating from the bitches who claim that their husbands help around the house on a regular basis. Sometimes, they even IRON! If you are one of those lucky bitches gals, good for you. Now go watch your husband iron. For the rest of us, I share with you the jokes that elicit both laughter and tears within me, because of the grain of truth.

The Why’s of Men

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?

because they are plugged into a genius.

2. WHY DON’T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?

because they don’t have enough time.

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?

because they don’t stop to ask directions.

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?

because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock.

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?

so they won’t hump women’s legs at cocktail parties.

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?

because you need a rough draft before you make a final copy.

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?

don’t know…..it never happened.

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?

because a vibrator can’t mow the lawn.

_____________________________________

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.  Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me,

“What setting do I use on the washing machine?”

“It depends,” I replied. “What does it say on your shirt?”

He yelled back, “University of Oklahoma…”

_____________________________________
A couple are lying in bed…

The man says,

“I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.”

The woman replies,

“I’ll miss you…”

_____________________________________

“It’s just too hot to wear clothes today,” Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, “honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?”

“Probably that I married you for your money,” she replied.

_____________________________________

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor

Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder ‘Instruction Manual.’

_____________________________________

Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I’ll beat him to death.
AMEN.

p.s. I guess I am a sexist. The reverse sexist.

p.p.s. Since I came out and “ownded” it, I therefore get a free pass, right?! I LOVE being a bitch!

p.p.s. I can’t help it, I have to sneak this in: Do you think it is possible to be a reverse sexist? That jokes like this are sexist? That jokes like these incite violence against men? (Ok, ok. Elin Nordegren beat Tiger Woods because he was snacking. A lot. From a multitude of takeout restaurants…) You know, that it is legitimate for a man to complain that he fails to get a job, a promotion, college admission because the slot was given to a woman?  That because something like that may have happened to him, or a friend’s friend, it is a proof that reverse sexism exists institutionally? I wonder how much someone’s thoughts on / feelings about this are aligned with his/hers for reverse racism?

The world needs a new meme “I comment therefore I am”

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Unknown Mami over at well, Unknown Mami, struck gold with this great idea of creating yet another Internet Meme:

I comment therefore I am.

Unknown Mami

The idea is: we express ourselves, in addition to through our own blogs, also by leaving traces of ourselves with our comments all over the interweb.  Unknown Mami decided that all of our comments are worthy enough to be turned into real posts. Because she herself is a prolific commentator, she is turning this into a weekly feature on her blog, otherwise the post would get too long… she said.

An idea that cuts down the actual writing? Esp. in the blasted month of NaBloPoMo? I am 100% down with it. I will at least try it this once. Take that NaBloPoMo! Another DAY bites the dust! Besides, I always do believe that comments are often the funniest, sometimes the scariest (i.e. on the political blogs), yet always the most revealing part of a website/blog.

I thought some of you may want to play too!  So gather up all of your stellar comments: all your humorous, ironic, sarcastic, poignant, illuminating, sincere, pontificating comments, and turn them into a post.

The following are selected evidence of my insomnia, my restlessness, when I roam the earth in search of my next victim…  Again, warning: discussions of Race and Stereotypes abound…

In response to #11 Asian Girls on the list that Stuff White People Like…

Disclaimer/Explanation: The way I see it, this site, Stuff White People Like, employees a tongue-in-cheek, straight-faced, sardonic, wry humor that I recognize in myself. When I saw #11 Asian Girls, I thought it was hilariously awesome. If we cannot laugh at ourselves, we have no right to laugh at the others. That’s how I view this world. Of course, of all the “items” listed on this HUMOR site, #11 has proven to be the most controversial and incited the most comments, and heated debates. Please be warned, and I am being serious, many most of the 17,295 (as of today) comments are lewd (even by my standard) and malicious. And in case you wonder, yes, I did read through many pages of the previous comments, before I left mine on Page 454. I considered it to be Cultural Study. Or as Sun Tzu said, “Know your enemy and know yourself and you can fight a hundred battles without a single failure.” (I have to google this shit up too. So no, just because I am Chinese doesn’t mean I have studied the Art of War…)

p.s. Something funny: I actually “tracked down” the genius who wrote #11 Asian Girls, and he wrote, “Yes, I am the non-white guy that is part of StuffWhitePeopleLike. Please stop sending my hate mail…”

Without further delay, here is one of the finest comments I have written. A masterpiece in the art of sarcasm.

#11 Asian Girls

submom on June 10, 2009 at 9:58 am

Dear Sir, I would like to thank you for putting us #11 out of the many things that white people like. I feel truly honored. (Do NOT imagine me saying that in an accent a la Master Splinter…)

On the other hand, I have to be honest, I am rather peeved that we are not on the Top 10 List. (Wes Anderson?! Ok. Fine. I can live with that. I like him too) I am not sure whether you have had a chance to read through all 14500+ comments generated by this post. (Great job! Congrats!) Granted most of them are hate mails from all groups of males: Maybe for once they can all agree to hate Asian females and hate each other? I thought I’d leave a post to thank your readers for the new insights about ourselves that I didn’t know before.
Here are a few things I’ve learned from your ab. fab. and maddeningly funny post:

1. If you are white and male and you are looking to date a girl of Asian descent (hey, let’s be PC here, peeps!) show her to your other Asian, preferably male, friends. (If you have no other friends of Asian descent, hmmm, I think there should be another post about this situation but I digress…) As a last resort, take her to any Asian restaurant (No, Panda Express does NOT count!) Ask them whether she is HOT by their standards. Do not trust your own judgement.

2. If you are a girl of Asian descent and are fielding interest from a non-Asian male, do ask him whether he’s ever been to Asia and more importantly, whether he’s taught English there. If YES to the latter or if he has stayed there for longer than a month, RUN.

3. If he says, “I love Panda Express.” Punch him in the nose and then RUN.

4. If you think you may be suffering from Yellow Fever or Asian Fetish, you really should get it looked at. Your insurance may cover it.

In response to the question posted on BlogHer: Dating Deal Breakers: What Merits an Automatic Dismissal?

I said:

“The first two questions I asked my husband as a litmus test when he first showed signs of interest in me (or when I finally were sure that he was interested): 1. Did you belong to a fraternity? 2. Have you ever been to Asia for an extended period of time?/Have you dated a woman of Asian descent?  He answered NO to both.  I admit I based the first question on stereotypes of frat boys from the movies/TV shows.  Yes, I am a Fraternist. No apology there.  The second question was necessary because I am Asian, and I have seen enough Western men (regardless of skin colors) with “yellow fever” to be alarmed. If he were into me JUST (or even, first and foremost) because I am Asian. Then sorry, not into that.  I have also seen enough white boys being totally spoiled in Asian countries thinking they are the cat’s meow to want to weed out, or at least be super cautious towards, anybody that has spent a lot of time over there.

My other deal-breakers are more normal: RUDE to people in the service industry, e.g. waiters, doormen.  Failure to hold doors open for others.  Ok, maybe not so normal. I consider these to be telltale signs for a person’s character.”

Inadvertently I shared too much too candid too soon. Seriously, are you surprised? I may have also touched upon an area, race/skin color, that in general makes people hesitate, if not downright uncomfortable. The host of this discussion did not respond to my comment.

“You know, if only I could just make a decent cup of coffee, I could relax!”

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If you really want to contextualize the social and cultural circumstances in which this Folgers commercial was made, then we can all go back to school and read upon all the feminist histories and theories. But this commercial simply makes me laugh out loud. It makes us feel better about ourselves, about how far we have come. Like the fact we now have an African American as the President, racism must be no more.

If only I could just make a decent cup of coffee, I could relax!

If only life were that simple…

p.s. Read the comments, and decide how far we have come.

p.p.s. I always wince when people lament about the Good Old Days. Read the comments, and see for yourself why.

In praise of “Fallen Princesses” Photography Project by Dina Goldstein

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Courtesy: JPG Magazine: Snowy

.

I am absolutely in amour with this picture and actually, all the pictures by photographer, Dina Goldstein. She is currently working on a project, sort of like an alternative story telling, “Fallen Princesses.” In her own words:

“These works place Fairy Tale characters in modern day scenarios. In all of the images the Princess is placed in an environment that articulates her conflict. The ‘…happily ever after’ is replaced with a realistic outcome and addresses current issues.”

“I began to imagine Disney’s perfect Princesses juxtaposed with real issues that were affecting women around me, such as illness, addiction and self-image issues.”

This is one of the best examples for:

Motherhood does not make you stupid. It makes you THINK!

.

p.s. I found this picture via @god, thank goodness he has a great sense of humor!

p.p.s. For a critique on how these pictures do not deliver the expected Punch, not subversive enough to destablize the stereotypes, please see Bitch Magazine

Cough cough, though I do love Bitch Magazine‘s “Feminist Response to Pop Culture” and agree with the perspective here, I have to say I haven’t found anything subversive enough to do exactly that, i.e. destablizing stereotypes substantially long enough to have the destablizing take roots, other than cutting off our own tits… even at that, we would still be labeled as “Suffering from hysteria”. The world will continue to stereotype any group with less power at will because that’s how power is gained and maintained. Ever wonder why stereotypes come in pairs?…

I’ve never got kicked in the head. Is it me? No. It’s you.

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This morning my youngest was sent to his room for a timeout because he kicked daddy in the head.  Upon further investigation, and actually I witnessed the entire episode, I am not quite sure he deserved the punishment.  
 
What would a normal healthy human being do when they are being tickled on the feet?  
 
They kick.
 
What would happen if you are the one administer the tickling with your head bent towards the said feet?
 
Your head will be in the path of the kicking feet.  
 
It is simple physics. 
 
This incident makes me ponder why, compared to my spouse, I am seldom "hurt" by the children. 
 
It is true I do not roughhouse with the kids.  It's a daddy thing.  I tend to get the crying, hungry, wounded, tired, cranky, punished kids, whereas my husband gets the happy, tussling ones.  That's why I tend to get the crying, hungry, wounded, tired, cranky, punished kids.  Tis a vicious cycle. I am seeing a pattern now. 
 
It is also true that I realize everybody's limits and I stop as soon as I see that the kids are being whipped into a frenzy, and if you continue to sit on them, for instance, their survival instinct would kick in and they would use all the little strength they have to fight back, and you get hurt. 
 
AND, let it be known, TICKLING IS BULLYING.  If someone is laughing against their will, then they are NOT having fun. 
 
Yes. I am the FUN KILLER.  But, let it also be known, I have never been kicked in the head by my kids. 
 
 

How Nordstrom honors the Asian Pacific American Heritage Month…

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Anna Sui Asian American girl tee

Anna Sui APAC Heritage month tee

First of all, for all of ya who are uninitiated: May is designated by the U.S. Congress as the Asian Pacific American Heritage Month. Don’t fret if you didn’t know until now. The first week of May is actually Asian Pacific American Heritage WEEK. Between the Swine Flu and the Oprah-KFC debacle (Seriously, folks. How much does it cost to just pay for those grilled chicken? They look extremely unappetizing to me anyway…), I don’t think the mainstream media even remembered. So, you are forgiven.

Secondly, I promise I will not get on my soap box. There are many books/articles/websites out there if you are interested in reading about stereotypes, underrepresentation, Fu Man Chu, Lotus Blossoms vs. Dragon Ladies, blah blah blah. (That would be me preaching to the choir – the conundrum is if you are, you would have known already. If you don’t care, you are not going to check it out anyway…) Yup. Otherwise known to the “mainstream” society as, cough cough, “whining”… I say that because the common comment, from the “mainstream” society, to the critics of stereotypes is, “It’s just a joke. YOU PEOPLE have no sense of humor!”

“You people”. I wince every time I read or hear it. In real life. In the movie, Tropic Thunder, it was hilarious how they played with it.

Anyway, I digress.

So in honor of the Asian Pacific American Heritage Month, Nordstrom is hawking designer t-shirts by, you guessed it! Asian American designers. Anna Sui and Koi Suwannagate. YES! Represent, girls! (I just have to ask: Was the ubiquitous Vera Wang too busy or too expensive?) Don’t get me wrong. These are extremely gorgeous tees, at $60 a pop. And the profits will go to the scholarship fund for OCA, an organization dedicated to advancing the cause for Asian Americans.

I am sure Nordstrom’s efforts are appreciated but I am quite amused by the irony in this shirt. Call me nitpicking if you wish. And I assure you, I have a great sense of humor.

A good question indeed…

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This is one of those one-liners that make me laugh out loud… Brilliant, great sense of humor. Indeed a good question, and I have to say, no matter where you stand on this divisive issue, this question does make you pause and give the whole thing some more thoughts.

Picture found here