Tiger Moms. That’s all I hear/read about these past few days.
Ugh.
Yeah I hear you. But are you surprised that I need to talk about it?
In case you have not heard, the “Tiger Mom Controversy” refers to a WSJ article written by a Yale Law School professor, Amy Chua, “Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior?” In addition to the 6900+ comments on WSJ.com (and counting), the article (and the book Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother) has inspired (mostly out of anger and spite) numerous articles and discussions, and Chua was interviewed on NPR (and they took heat for that interview).
You can go and read about all that by googling. So much anger. It’s like Mommy War all over again. Perhaps this time we (i.e. SAHMs and Working Mothers) can all band together by hating one common enemy.
“At least we are NOT like that.”
“Yeah, High Five, sister!”
Or you can read the non-angry posts that do NOT dwell on whether her parenting style is right or wrong (or “evil” as so many commenters have declared without actually reading her book). Instead these posts pointed out a couple of interesting ways to look at this controversy:
Brilliant marketing! Amy Chua and her publisher are laughing all the way home. Cha ching cha ching. “Thumbs up to the writer”
This controversy provides opportunities for ourselves to discuss and examine our own parenting styles and philosophies. “Be A Better Parent Through Blogging”.
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Or, read a post by someone who has actually read the book — Gosh, what a novel concept, eh? Amy Chua: Tiger Mother without a Plan, and draw your own conclusion.
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Because I am a lazy blogger, I now hate Amy Chua with a passion, not because of her unattainable parenting style or the whole perpetuating the stereotype thing, but because I cannot stop thinking about it. I have drafted several completely different responses to this giant can of worms that she has opened, and I hate working on drafts. Drafts are for suckers who like to work hard, who practices piano or (or “AND”) violin two hours every day, who does everything to perfection.
Curse you, Amy Chua!
Ok. So below is my second reaction (and NOT the last) after I recovered from the initial, visceral reaction.
Disclaimer: This is one of the post-visceral reactions I’ve felt. I am conflicted. I have argued against myself and contradicted myself. In this post, I am telling one of my responses like it is. I will follow up with the rest because OH GOOD GRAVY my head hurts. I need to now go rub Tiger Balm on my temples and tummy.
I may just be jealous.
There. I said it.
I am not suggesting that I wish my children were better or different or somebody else; I swear on my life, I am very happy with and proud of their performances and accomplishments in everything that they are doing, including the failed attempt at learning Chinese. However, I will cop to the wild fantasy that my kids were somehow more obedient, better disciplined, less wise-ass-y, and more “convenient” when I want to go to a fancy restaurant with real napkins and nice crystals. A girl can dream, right?
I may just be jealous because Amy Chua’s children seem to have it made: They are not teen moms. They don’t do drugs. They are not bums. They did not turn Goth or Punk or Neo-Nazi. They did not rebel. They did not run away and end up turning tricks. They did not turn into Valley Girls either. (Yes, as you can see, my expectations are fairly low…) They did not get with the wrong crowd. They are on their way to prestigious universities and presumably will end up with great jobs, and so on and so forth. I can see their bright futures, and as a mother, that is what I am worried about: my kids’ futures.
Raise your hand if your child’s class is full of the so-called Asian prodigies.
Raise your hand if you ever shake your head or wince at the prevalence of Asian-sounding names on the list of winners at Spelling Bees, Academic competitions, Lego Leagues, Science Fairs, concerts, recitals, and what not.
Raise your hand if you ever try to dismiss the conclusion that Asian cultures put a lot more emphasis on academic excellence by saying, “But it is NOT the American way, and maybe THESE people should become more American now that they are in America.”
Raise your hand if you comfort yourself by thinking, “But colleges look at MORE THAN just SAT scores. You need to be well-rounded.”
Raise your hand if you ever think to yourself, “But they suck at sports.”
Here is a Chinese American raised in “The Chinese Way” (different from the way I was raised and I am 100% “authentic” Chinese — I use “authentic” with quotation marks and I can show you a chapter from my dissertation dissecting this word so don’t sling mud at me, yet) spelling it all out, for all her American readers (and by god, did she get readers or what because of this controversy!), sharing the Ancient Secret Chinese recipe with all of us, and we got all pissed at her.
Because the truth is difficult to hear.
The truth is not whether HER parenting style (or anybody else’s for that matter) is better.
The truth is… I am going out on a limb here… we feel anxiety for our children’s future because the way the world has been changing.
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Here is a theory:
Raise your hand if you are ever concerned, or even outraged, by the state of the teenagers.
Raise your hand if, even though you do not believe in hovering or overprotecting, you still sometimes wonder whether what you are doing with your children is enough to prevent them from going astray.
Raise your hand if you are not sure what the correct balance is between discipline and freedom, between rules and independence.
Raise your hand if you ever worry about your kids not being able to get a job when they grow up because of the fierce competition. Not just in the U.S., but from all over the world.
Raise your hand if you are not sure about the outsourcing trend, worried about people in China and India taking the jobs away.
Raise your hand if you are convinced that social security is going to disappear by the time you retire.
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By now many have heard and probably been shaken by the much cited line from the documentary Waiting for Superman:
Out of 30 Industrialized Nations, our country’s children rank 25th in Math, 21st in Science & falling behind in every other category. The only thing our children seem to be ranked number 1. in is confidence.
Coupling that with the revelation and the fear that China is US’ biggest foreign creditor, with roughly $900 billion in Treasury Securities, and $1 trillion if you include Hong Kong. (Don’t think there is a mass hysteria over the “imminent” Chinese threat? Remember the “Chinese Professor” political ad running last October?)
I suspect what we have observed in the disproportionate outcry against Amy Chua’s short article is a perfect storm.
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Pretty self aware to come up with the jealousy angle, I must say. Once I figured out (today, if I’m honest) that the WSJ article wasn’t a facetious joke, I started thinking about where I could find a violin teacher. And Rosetta Stone for Chinese.
I do think the fear that we’re not doing enough, the anxiety that other people (not necessarily Americans and certainly not public schools) *are* doing enough is enough to push me toward things I don’t believe in. Like violin lessons (for my five year old and one year old). And Rosetta Stone for Chinese (for my five year old and one year old). And something else I haven’t figured out yet so I can out Tiger that pansy Tiger whose kids won’t know what hit ’em when my kids break all their records…ooops. There I go again. I *meant* I just want my children to be happy.
Naptimewriting recently posted…A life- simplified
I haven’t read the book – but I’m getting the gist from what you’ve written and the comments. Lemme tell you – being the child of an interracial marriage – my parents always referred to be as a “mestiza” growing up (half American, half Filipino) – and I really was raised with BOTH cultural influences. In some instances my parents fought each other tooth and nail to assert THEIR cultural backgrounds in my upbringing. My dad said that I would only speak English because “she’s an AMERICAN kid” (of course, my mom taught me enough on the sly so that we could talk about my dad when he was being an ass! LOL). My mom raised me with her crazy Filipino superstitions, instilled in me that eating rice with EVERY meal was “normal” and made me understand what a privilege it was to grow up with all of the things I had in my life as “an American kid.” I am an amalgam of both of my parents’ backgrounds, and I don’t think one is superior to the other – I think it’s kind of cool actually. Parenting PERIOD is hard enough – I wouldn’t have the balls to call anything I do “superior” to any other parent’s style whether they live here, in Norway, in India, in Nigeria, or anywhere else. I wouldn’t sweat it so much. And I totally do NOT want to read the book because I already know it would piss me off.
Michelle recently posted…Spitting Cobrabut with some creamer
I am so glad for you and your mother that you were able to learn her mother tongue (Do you call it Filipino or Tagalog? I was told it’s personal preference). GOOD FOR YOU! I know my kids are going to regret not being able to speak Chinese in the future and they are going to turn around and blame ME on it. Oh well.
The title of the article was chosen by the publisher or people at WSJ to spur controversy because controversy sells books. Smart move on their part, you’ve got to give them that! I read some excerpts, and though I really wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt, she really came across as “psycho mommy”. Thankfully she labeled the book as a memoir and NOT a parenting HOW TO book. Yikes.
Actually, there are close to 100 different Filipino “dialects.” Tagalog is the “national” dialect; my mom is from one of the smaller islands, so she spoke Cebuano. And I only know enough Cebuano to say inappropriate things that made my grandmother (Lola) scream at my mom for teaching me! LOL I understand wayyyy more than I can speak. My mom can say things to me and I understand, but I can’t reply so well – I wish I had learned to “speak” it more.
Michelle recently posted…A Fly Girl
Thanks for your take on this, Lin!
Another one of my friends wrote his blog about it too…we both took issue with the abusive parenting style Ms. Chua has chosen to adopt. We all want our kids to do well, but not at the expense of losing their childhood!
Wendy
writerwoman61 recently posted…‘Salt’y Tears…The Jolie Bids Adieu…
Thank you for reading and commenting!
Hi SubWOW, well, I haven’t been paying attention. Too busy being lazy and reading chick lit to read the WSJ (or parent my kids well, apparently:-)). But I’ll go and read it and get back to you. Lots of things to think about here.
chickens consigliere recently posted…Chicken Soup
Didn’t mean to give you homework assignment!!! 😉
It became an obsession sort of because several people sent me news about this…
Yes! I knew this was well worth the wait. What a great response. I raised my hands a few times here and I have to say, she may have taken it to extremes, but I’m not sure I disagree with her methods entirely. I may not be getting a piano or violin anytime soon, but growing up, I was surrounded by friends with really strict upbringing and they all grew up to be pretty successful, well-adjusted adults who’re pursuing their dreams.
I was raised a little more the Western way and here I am, happy to a degree but wishing my parents did push me more to realize my own potential so that I can be much further along than I am now. I believe that at some point kids do need the direction and discipline, and just because we’re all so touchy feely here in our society doesn’t mean those who don’t get to experience our typical childhood here will definitely grow into maladjusted adults.
Perhaps it’s our way of consoling ourselves – because we can’t bring ourselves to be strict and when our kids are not super ivy-leaguers, we just try to convince ourselves that hey, at least they’re happy because I didn’t force them into anything they didn’t want to do…
And hey, thanks for the shout-out 🙂
Justine recently posted…Thumbs up to the writer of Why Chinese Mothers are Superior
“because we can’t bring ourselves to be strict and when our kids are not super ivy-leaguers, we just try to convince ourselves that hey, at least they’re happy because I didn’t force them into anything they didn’t want to do… ”
Exactly how I feel, all the time, even before this unfortunate controversy. And as you have pointed out, NOT an Unfortunate event for Amy Chua at all.
OK, now that I got the snarky joke out of the way, I will write a serious response. (yawn)
I used this very article as an example in my class on Moral Freedom last night. I used it as an illustration of the shit storm that occurs in America whenever anyone suggests that “too much freedom is bad for you”. Which once you get past the Mommy rage, is what people are all up in arms about.
Namely “How dare Amy Chua take away her childrens rights to choose their own path”.
Most kerfuffles in our media revolve around this. A person’s right to choose what is right or wrong for themselves. “Moral Freedom” has become a core part of our ideology. It’s the root of a lot of the debate surrounding the “culture wars”.
How much freedom is enough? For kids? For parents? For Companies? For Churches?
Where do we draw the line on freedom?
And make no mistake, most of us will agree that there are indeed limits. I have yet to meet a true nihilist who feels there is no moral boundary to everything. (When I do, I plan to take their wallet, rape them and steal their car, because obviously 😉
Free market economics requires 3 basic boundary conditions. (private property, the rule of law, and a higher power to enforce those rules)
Free democracy requires a boundary in the form of The Bill of Rights. (the majority cannot vote to oppress the minority)
But when we come to Morality, we have a hard time in even accepting that there are lines that can’t be crossed, and then once we accept that their are boundaries, agreeing on where those boundaries are.
That’s why I think Amy Chua’s article touched a nerve.
Tom G. recently posted…The Hidden Wall
Dear Tom, this is such an insightful reading of the controversy that needs to be read. I’m sad now that you have wasted this in the comment section here! If you are not going to post this on your blog, I am going to copy and paste it on my Facebook. It deserves to be read.
Feel free to post it wherever you like. (Bathroom walls in seedy bars are nice)
I don’t really have that sort “serious” blog. My posts run toward nostalgia and humor. And humorous nostalgia.
Tom G. recently posted…The Hidden Wall
Already tweeted. 🙂 I will post the entire “serious” comment on Facebook. NOT that I have tons of friends there though. But I want to do my best for humanity.
Will post in seedy bars when I get to hang out with Dufmanno and Trisha. 😉
I learned long ago, that there are two things to never say to a woman.
1.) Have you put on weight?
2.) You are not raising your children correctly.
Since Amy Chua has already grabbed controversy #2, I’m stuck with #1 for my upcoming book. “Elephant Moms: Why skinny people make better mothers”
Tom G. recently posted…The Hidden Wall
OMG. THIS IS GOLD! How do I tweet your comment??!!
Sorry, it’s longer than 140 characters. You’ll have to buy the book.
Tom G. recently posted…The Hidden Wall
You are on a roll.
“Oh, somebody stop me!”
Actually, I told the story before of how my husband suggested that the reason why I had such bad “morning sickness” (so bad that I lost 10 lbs. in the first two weeks for my first, almost 20 lbs., for my second) was nature’s way of getting me back down to my “ideal weight” as fast as possible?
You can also use this story whenever your wife complains about you, “At least I am NOT that stupid!” You are welcome.
This is the.best.post. I’ve read on the subject so far. Bravo.
gigi recently posted…Quiz- Your TV Watching Age
Thank you so much. *blushing* (AND you can see my blush because there are no stripes on my face!)
I grew up in the Valley amidst real Valley girls. Gag me with a spoon.
Jack recently posted…The Joy of Defeat
Oh My God.
😉