Gay apparel as in holiday parties. Of course. Tis the season of office holiday parties where alliances are formed, enemies are made, and by the end of night, everybody is drunk enough to tell the person whom you absolutely hate when sober, “I love you. Seriously, man. You. are. the. best!”
New York Magazine is kind enough to give us a guide on “How Drunk Can You Get at Your Office Holiday Party” with a handy dandy notebook printable guide that you can tuck into your bra and bring with you. Better remember to check on it though while you are still sober enough to read it in the bathroom stall because any good office holiday party will not have adequate lighting for reading. Duh.
Cog in the machine, while suffers in silence the rest of the 364 days, gets to have the MOST FUN EVER at the office party. “I hate my job so much I don’t even fucking care any more.” That’s the attitude that will get you through the night!
I’ve told you that I get typecast all the time, right? Well, it happened again. A friend of mine Facebook-tagged me:
CHRISTMAS OFFICE PARTY– Use the first 10 people on your friends list. Don’t Cheat:
Running around topless singing Jingle Bells:
Spiked the punch then drank most of it :
Dancing on the desk singing “Can’t Touch this”:
… Has Rolodex making prank calls:
Spinning around in office chair screaming:
Locked in the bathroom hugging the toilet:
Passed out under their desk:
Sitting on copier making Christmas cards:
Throwing fruitcake at people outside:
Playing spin the bottle with cleaning crew:
Guess where my name fell? Yup. The first one. I just don’t think it will ever happen because I cannot sing worth a damn.
Also? I just survived our mega office holiday party last week and I’ll have you know that I kept my clothes on the whole night. And I did not spill any drink. Woohoo! WIN!
The sad truth is I could not have gotten hammered even if I wanted to. The OPEN bar? Was not really open. They only served beer and wine. INCONCEIVABLE. ikr?! So the whole night I kept on going from the 5th floor to the bar at the hotel lobby to get my own drink on. Yes, my dear Internet, I paid for my own premium vodka at an office party with an open bar. I had four with a heavy pour and I woke up with NO hangover and NO headache whatsoever. Win? WIN!
Despite the open bar not being really open, I had a lot of fun at the party talking to random people, including coworkers whom I had never actually spoken to until that night and their wives, my boss, his wife, his boss, his boss’s wife, someone else’s bosses, someone else’s bosses’ wives, etc etc etc. Problem is? I kept on thinking, “The missis must be really really bored. Probably want to poke their eyes out with a fork if they have to face another forced conversation. Quick. Let me say something genuinely funny to amuse them.”
At one point, I offered one of the missis to beat up her husband for her. I guess I am not going to get a promotion, again.
I also told a coworker whom I had not really spoken to before until that night that I love his wife. Huh. I don’t think it was the beginning of a beautiful friendship between me and him…
But the BEST part of the night? I finally got a picture taken of me in which I do not have ginormous fat arms that look like they are about the size of my torso.
Finally. A picture of me with NO fat arms. Yeah! This goes to prove that lighting is everything.
This heavily cropped picture somehow focuses on the cruel fact “Where the fuck did my waist go?” Oh hell. I will be happy with the NO fat arm for now. At least I am not making my friend look like she’s naked…
It's that horrifying moment when your friend's "fat arm" makes you look naked...
p.s. Yes. YES! I confess. I wrote this post just so I could post this picture. You are welcome. And if you spill anything on your clothes, take them off, take a nekkid picture, send that and the dry cleaning bill to moi. xxoo
Might be one of the funniest photos I’ve ever seen.
Life in the Boomer Lane recently posted…7 Quick Steps to Better Sex
Agreed! I cannot stop laughing. STILL.
Oh my goodness! I am so familiar with the walking around with a drink trying to find circle opening when there are none!!! I love your heavily cropped picture, btw. I thought I was the only one aiming for non-flab arm pictures 😉
Thanks. 🙂 I often wince when I look at pictures of me taken at parties since I often wear sleeveless dresses for parties. Come to think of it, maybe that IS my problem right there. I should start wearing dresses with SLEEVES!
How un-fun of New York Magazine to keep America semi-sober during our nation’s holiday parties.
Kathy
Kathy recently posted…Thanks for Jingling my Blog’s Bells this Christmas
LOL. How dare they, right?!
l swear l saw a naked woman in the last pic…
BTW, l am using the chart for our usual it’s-Friday-let’s-get-fucked-up-drank
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Just pour them all into this bucket!
At the risk of being unoriginal I will again repeat myself. You are ravishing in polka dots.
Now the sixty four thousand dollar question- did you lose your shoes?
I wish I did. My feet are still hurting! xxoo
When I was, er, hmm, younger, I had a boss set the standard for office party behavior when he got so intoxicated he actually ran around the room asking if he could festive all the boobies up with a squirt of whip-cream. He was shortly promoted to ceo of a major company. And I, as it was one of my first adult Christmas parties, was left to slowly realize that you perhaps get one major fun-fest of office parties.
Jeane recently posted…A Mind Full of Chaos…
O.m.g. LOL. Reality is sometimes more hilarious than what TV writers could ever come up with, eh?
The last company I worked for had an HR person that would not allow us to have drinks at outings and holiday parties because of “liability”. We would leave the event while she was still saying – “but you can stay and enjoy the room as long as you want!” NOT. We are going for drinks, you idiot.
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LOL. Exactly!
That’s quite a lead-in all for that photo at the end! When I first saw it somewhere else, I thought, “Wow, and not even good naked!”
I’ve never worked anywhere where they had drunken office parties. Then again, I’ve never worked anywhere where I’d want to drink with my boss!
secret agent woman recently posted…The Woodsman is also a blacksmith.
it was a bit nerve-wracking conversing with the various bosses because I never know what’s going to come out of my mouth… Worse for me is being the Missus at my husband’s work parties… So I usually do not drink and oh my lord how am I going to survive these 3 hours without any alcohol in me?