“Which Sex and the City gal are you?”

I am going to bet that at one time or another 99% of the women were asked one or all of these questions:

“Which Sex and the City gal is your favorite?”

“Which Sex and the City gal do you want to be?”

“Which Sex and the City gal are you?”

I never knew how to respond. Because deep down in my heart, I know who I resemble the most, dread resembling the most even though I also know, deep down in my brains, that I am crazy (also self-presumptuous and self-delusional) for thinking so.

Laney Berlin.

Who?

Laney Berlin. From Episode 10, Season 1, originally aired on August 8, 1998. “The Baby Shower”.

It is no surprise you have no memory of her. My google search only came up with ONE picture of her:

Laney is the Fab Four’s former friend, or more accurately, frienemy and to Samantha, rival.

Laney Berlin. You can’t really describe her. You just had to know her. Chances are eight years ago you probably did.

Laney did A&R for a record label… Every time she went on a scouting trip, she came back with some hot new group… and a gynecological condition no one had ever heard of.

Those things make so many public appearances, they need a booking agent.

Disclaimer: Of course I am nothing like the above. I’ve never had a hot body for me to lament the loss over it. I’ve never had a wild, rebellious streak in my life, that is, until now… mostly inside my imaginary inner world, and even at that, with limitations. Tis sad that I channel Woody Allen even in my wildest fantasy.

In fact, Laney was another Samantha… until she found herself an investment banker, got married and moved to Connecticut. The Fab Four reluctantly went to Laney’s Baby Shower at her stereotypical suburban MacMansion surrounded by stereotypical suburban Stepford Wives. The gifts they brought? A fistful of cash. A bottle of Scotch. And pastel condoms.

Incidentally I gave birth to my first child in March 1998. I squirmed as I watched a dichotomy being artificially formed when the world of Sex and the City was split in two: Me and the pregnant, suburban Laney on one side; the gals on the other (And goddammit I want to be on that side with the Fab Four too!) and what happened when Laney tried to cross the bridge, back to the other side.

Laney, despite the outward appearances of marital bliss and contentment, felt regretful of her choices. Back  in the city, the gals found a pregnant Laney crashing Samantha’s party, demanding vodka (and attention naturally], offering to show her tits, and struggling on the stripper pole.

[Carrie] This is at once so sad…  and the most fabulous validation I’ve ever gotten in my life.

The image of Laney on the table surrounded by the party-goers who are obviously appalled has stayed with me since. I understand that 99% of the disapproval came from her being so “due any day now” pregnant and you simply DO NOT SHOULD NOT imbibe alcohol (and Vodka at that!) when a child’s life is at stake. However Laney on the table also symbolizes for me the attempt to grapple with the erasure of one’s (imagined or not) identity and the desperate attempt to retain/regain the last vestige of youth/freedom/autonomy/carefreeness/etc. It is that desperation that makes it so sad, that I respond to viscerally.

Every time when I behave like a wild child, act and dress against what I believe is age-appropriate and role-appropriate, flirt with strangers, skip down the sidewalk, party like it is 1999 (or 1997 aka 1 BC – “Before Child”), because this is who I am without thinking, I get a flashback of Laney on the table and I am immediately paralyzed by an onslaught of self-consciousness. I put myself in my place through the eyes of the others:

“Do I look like I am trying too hard? Too desperate? Do I look ridiculous? These people… What are they thinking of me? Are they laughing with me or at me?”

And the thought that I absolutely abhor:

“Do they feel sorry for me?”

I am desperate to not appear desperate. Insane? I know.

This is why every time when I am at a party I make a beeline to the bar and down 2 shots of vodka before the party starts for me. Because as it turns out, thank goodness, Laney Berlin can be warded off with alcohol.

39 thoughts on ““Which Sex and the City gal are you?”

  1. Robin

    Haha! I remember that episode too well. I know so many people think they are a Carrie but I really am. I’m neurotic, hopelessly romantic and tend to be my own worst enemy. I have a little bit of Miranda in me (judgemental and pessimistic) but way more Carrie.
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  2. Vodka and Ground Beef

    HA!!! I know exactly who Laney Berlin. She stole “Shayla” from Charlotte.

    Love to know that you’re Laney Berlin. That cab ride home from Manhattan to the ‘burbs must have cost a pretty penny.

    I’d be a cross between Charlotte, Miranda, and Lexi Featherston.
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    1. Absence Alternatives Post author

      So you know your Sex and City gals very well. 😉 I don’t think I am Laney Berlin: I don’t have a wild past whose loss that I get to lament over. It is her desperation that scares me. Or rather, I’m worried that people may see me as desperate when I am just being my self, i.e. not behaving my age. I know I just need to learn to not give a shit. I do try. This blog is therefore serving as my therapy.

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  3. Andrea @ Shameless Agitator

    I love this post and the discussion! I’ve just had another birthday, closer to mid-forties than I care to admit. As Shameless Agitator, I feel obligated to agitate whenever possible. Sometimes it is as simple as doing what is least expected of me. Other times, I recreate rebellions of past. Today, I wore my brand new Placebo t-shirt, Trigger Happy Hands. (Placebo is a glam rock band, a la David Bowie, etc.) I paired it with my olive boyfriend pants tucked into my black leather boots. (I wore something similar way back when in college.) It was a good day.
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  4. mrsblogalot

    Listen to all those beautiful words up there Lin! You are awesome!!

    As for me, it’s been so long, I can’t even remember who I was.

    Amazing how old age has taken the pressure off of my neighborhood Bartenders. (-:

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  5. Ry sal

    Ha! I totally remember Laney and was just thinking about her the other day whistle considering a brisk streak through the school parking lot. You know, just for fun.

    Reply
  6. Kernut the Blond

    Well, I haven’t had kids, and I’m not much of a SATC fan, but I have been known to compare my insides to other people’s outsides. Once or twice. A day. The older I get, the less I care. But I would LOVE to lose 20 pounds!

    Be yourself – we love you as you are!

    Kernut the Blond’s last blog… Greeting Cards for the Zombie Apocalypse http://kernut.com/2010/09/greeting-cards-for-the-zombie-apocalypse/
    (Comment Luv not working for me, so I cheated. *sigh*)

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  7. Wicked Shawn

    I think somehow you have confused the message of that show. The episode was about a woman who was desperately regretting giving up her wild partying ways. Not the basic enjoyment of simple things in life such as skipping down the street, playing in the rain, feeling flirtatious or dancing the night away with friends occasionally. These are two very different things. Somehow I doubt you are wishing for drug fueled week long benders. 😉

    Every woman goes through stages, several I believe, where she wants to push boundaries and play with her femininity to remind herself it is still there. Do not second guess yourself for something so basic, embrace it! It’s healthy, natural and as long as you don’t beat yourself up for it, it can be enlightening and fun!!
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  8. secret agent woman

    I have never watched a whole episode because I find ALL the characters appalling. What a bunch of shallow, selfish, self-absorbed people.

    But. I don’t like the mother/non-mother dichotomy either. I felt beautiful pregnant and I’m happy with myself (generally speaking) post-pregnant. I didn’t feel like I had a dull life when I was married and I don’t now. And if there were people who felt sorry for me at either stage of my life, fuck ’em.
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  9. TheKitchenWitch

    Oh God, I loved that episode! As a person with huge social anxiety, I know exactly how you feel! Before I go to a party, I go through this elaborate routine of buyer’s remorse: Is it too late to cancel? Is there any legitimate reason I can find to get out of this? Shit. Why did I agree to this? This is going to be torture. Okay, maybe it will be okay but I only will stay for a half an hour. Anyone can take anything for a half hour, right? *Cue the pouring of a big glass of wine* Shit.

    I know.

    Have you ever played that game where a group of girlfriends tells you which one of the girls they think you are and then you tell them which one YOU think you are? Kind of illuminating.

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  10. writerwoman61

    Is it weird that I’ve never seen this show? I know that Sarah Jessica Parker’s in it (and she really bugs me…maybe that’s why I’ve never watched?).

    I think the other girls are right about just being yourself…TV characters are not all they’re cracked up to be…the Lin I know is pretty great!

    Wendy
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  11. The Barreness

    I suppose my comment will come as no shock, being the resident Samantha in many to most social groups…

    But honestly, I’m totally with Patty on the “short life” front.

    And furthermore, I was once a conservative, Christian “good girl” too afraid to experience anything that life had to offer for fear of what someone (family, friends, society, the Church) would think. And then one day I realised that it really didn’t matter what they thought – only what I thought and how I treat the people that I love.

    Laney was wishing that she could be something else and THAT. is the saddest part.

    I recently heard something that really made me think, and I’ve repeated it at every opportunity since then. It was a quote from someone’s father’s great uncle or something but it went:

    “My idea of hell that, when I die, the person I am meets the person I could have been.”

    ((shiver))

    – B x
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    1. Absence Alternatives Post author

      “Laney was wishing that she could be something else and THAT. is the saddest part.”

      Yes yes yes! And being mistaken for that for some reason really bothers me and often stops me in my track of doing something utterly ME. I know I should just NOT CARE about other people… I try. I really do.

      And m’lady, thank you so much for this:
      “My idea of hell that, when I die, the person I am meets the person I could have been.”
      Thank you.

      Reply
  12. Justine

    Oh I definitely remember that episode – I know what you mean about leaving the person you once were behind. For me, I am not so much afraid that having a family might change me but leaving the city would.

    I would like to think I’m most like Miranda but I think it’s because I admire certain qualities about her – steadfast loyalty to her friends, intelligent, no-nonsense, ambitious – that I see myself relating to her. I have to say I like Charlotte’s outfits best though. 🙂
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  13. SisterMerryHellish

    Funny, I thought drinking would bring out your inner Laney, not suppress her. Actually, it’s neither. Because you’re Lin and you’re awesome! I don’t have any of my own, but I can see how having children changes the way you THINK you’re supposed to act. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not advocating alcohol during pregnancy. I just don’t think you should stop being yourself! For the love of Morgan Freeman, don’t stop being Lin!
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  14. Elly Lou

    Look at Faith Hill or Julia Roberts or any other successful, stunningly beautiful woman that also happened to have a kid or two. You’re at least that wonderful, if not more. Only you define you, pookie. Speaking of definitions, if you were an obsolete word, I’d totally adopt you.
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  15. pattypunker

    keep skipping down that sidewalk and forget what other people are thinking. i sure as hell hope you went to the boxer rebellion. life is too short not to feel, live and experience. where we go wrong is thinking that living is only for the young. dance like everyone is watching and admiring your freedom and individuality.
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    1. Absence Alternatives Post author

      I will go! I bought the ticket for tomorrow night! 99% of me don’t care, don’t want to care what the others say/think about me. 1% is afraid that I am going to be seen as pathetic as Laney on the table. But I am going to see The Boxer Rebellion tomorrow! xxoo

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  16. Nance

    Where the heck do I start? In my mid-thirties, post-child#2, I got this burst of energy that can only be called a second adolescence. I exercised frantically, weighed nothing, thought I looked fabulous, and felt nearly certain that the Specter of Age And Maturity was defeated in me. About a year later, there was a cancer scare, a surgery, and a Come To Jebus accounting that left me bent–looking and feeling sixty, only half glad to be alive.

    There were other brief, manic phoenix spells–in the forties and again in the fifties, each probably more pathetic than the last–but I’ve never forgotten what it felt like at 36 to have Mother Nature deliver my comeuppance with such ferocity. At 62, I hope with all my might that my senses have lost the battle with my sensibilities; the Lainey moments extract a cost that measures in years, and I can’t afford to lose any more of those. So, I under-dress for all events (especially reunions), avoid self-embellishment at all costs, and wrap the invisibility cloak of nerd-dom around myself as tight as I can. It is so terrifying to be Lainey.
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      1. Absence Alternatives Post author

        “So, I under-dress for all events (especially reunions), avoid self-embellishment at all costs, and wrap the invisibility cloak of nerd-dom around myself as tight as I can.”

        YES YES YES. That’s what I do! “Not trying” as “Being cool”.

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