I woke up to a bad allergy attack this morning:
runny nose
sneezing
itchy, watery eyes
itching of the nose or throat
p.s. I just copied that litany from the back of my bottle of Zyrtec.
I’ve got them all. As I was using up the last tissue from the giant Kleenex box, I was contemplating tweeting about it. (Yes, I do compose tweets in my head as I go about my daily business. Shut up! Don’t tell me you don’t. Liar!)
Something to the fact of:
Bad allergy! Every hole on my face has liquid coming out of it!
I slay myself sometimes.
This imaginary tweet reminded me of the common Chinese phrase for describing a brutal death (e.g. from poisoning or from a freakishly ginormous renegade Shaolin monk clapping his Thunderous Fists over your ears in a mortal combat) :
Bleeding from seven holes 七孔流血*
Here is an illustration:
This guy is dying from Psychic Powers.
PSA: Do NOT search for images with keywords “七孔流血” or worse, “nose bleed manga” at work. It is like a codeword for “Show me pornographic images please”. Srly, people? The above is like the only image not involving a scantily-clad lass.
Since I am such a math geek (Har har) I automatically counted out the seven holes (and I swear I did not point my fingers to my body parts as I did this…)
My two eyes
My two ears.
My nose.
My mouth.
Hey, that’s only SIX. WTF? So I started thinking of other holes there could be…
Oh.
No.
Could it be that?
No…?
Or that?
Hmmmm.
Then it hit me. Of course! There are TWO nostrils. Duh.
As I opened up a new box of Kleenex, I thought to myself, “I am sucking more and more at being Chinese. And you people really have a bad influence on me!”
—The End—
.
* Google Translate is so awesome! I typed in “Bleeding from seven holes” and it presented the exact phrase! I *heart* you Google Translate even though you say dumb things sometimes…
I’m trying to figure out if I know this phrase in Cantonese. So far, nothing’s coming up. And you thought YOU sucked at being Chinese. I didn’t even realize it was the Autumn Harvest Festival!
Justine recently posted…Some things you just never forget
I didn’t know either but luck had it that I called my parents on the day (which meant I was too late to wish them a Happy Moon Day).
You know about the book “The Holes in Your Nose,” right?
Also, I sympathize. I didn’t have allergies until my early 20s, and now I’m allergic to everything. Also, as I read this, I’m applying an ice pack to my arm where I was stung by a bee. Nothing leaking…so far…
Falling recently posted…A List is TOTALLY as Good as a Real Post
Did you arm swell so much that it looked like Athena was going to come out from it? No? Good. Just checking.
I can’t believe I didn’t know the book! I have the Everyone Poops and it was a main reason how we were able to potty train the youngest child! Highly recommend it.
The guy dying from psychic powers is saying, “ook.” 😀 You slay me, too.
Diane Laney Fitzpatrick recently posted…Oh- Deer
LOL.
Ah, while you and Nance are leaking, my allergies cause everything to turn to cement in my head. My ears pop to the rhythm of the pounding headache… a one woman band!
Mary Lee recently posted…Planet of the Mistakes
I always know you are multi-talented. LOL
That’s what I looked like when I was rockin’ the Ebola Virus, but of course just like Typhoid Mary I shook it off and recovered.
Anyway, I woke up with watery eyes and a scratchy throat too! Except I have the maddeningly annoying problem of only my left eye dripping so everyone is telling me my makeup is running and WHY would it only be my left eye?
Zombies have watery eyes too you know.
dufmanno recently posted…Van Gogh Says
Really? Good! This Zombie is hoping that she could invade the Empty Bottle and attack the Boxer Rebellion band members tonight.
Oh, I never count the tear-ducts as holes so I would HAVE TOTALLY MISSED THAT and counted the um “other” two holes in the body. That makes seven, too.
Allergies suck… mine have been awful lately and the Claritin isn’t working.
Kernut the Blond recently posted…Cuff Em Danno
It does seem to get worse every year lately, doesn’t it? I blame Global Warming!
People who have never experienced the discomfort of allergies cannot know what it feels like to be resisting a tyrannical headache while mopping and plugging eyes and nose constantly between sneezing and coughing. It is dang tiring too. Hope you feel better soon.
Technobabe recently posted…Riding In My Little MG
Thank you. What you wrote is what I am experiencing right now. I want to walk around with a big box of Kleenex and trash bag.
I’m fairly certain we’re related. We’ve both got those seven holes, we understand each other’s severely perverse humor, and we both have allergies this morning. I’d bet you ANYTHING that we can both trace our DNA back to a single source somewhere in Ethiopia about 5.8 million years ago.
Nance recently posted…Too Close To Home
YES! I feel so honored. 🙂
Well, let’s see: I am 1/4 Japanese, 3/4 Chinese. Actually there may be some traces of Dutch and there is a family lore that we may also be related to the Native Taiwanese and therefore Polynesians.
Of course, I would have never made it to the “two nostrils” conclusion, I would have been stuck wondering why there was no “bleeding from 8 holes” death. Wow, thanks for sending me there. Now I will take a shower, put on my public persona and go help put on the Arts Council’s Heritage Festival today. If these people only knew the bizarre things my mind comes up with………
Wicked Shawn recently posted…Experienced Strippers Wanted as in OLD as in EEWWW
Wouldn’t it be 9 holes for the ladies? Whadya wanna bet there’s some weird fetish for “playing 9 holes?” Grossed myself out again.
Elly Lou recently posted…Uke Me Away
You two just have to outdo each other don’t you? LOL. At least now you can take a shower together. Ooo child.
Thaatsss pretty much the consensus among people, due to the weather change. When your nose involuntarily drips onto your lap and or a paper your looking over at your desk and you have to stair at the ceiling to prevent it…haha that illustration pretty much relates my sentiments exactly.
Oh yes yes yes. I go get the having to stare at the ceiling thing. It happened more than once when I found myself with no tissue. I shouldn’t tell you how I solved the problem…
Wait, wait, wait — you have _two_ nostrils???
Freak.
Miss B recently posted…Reflections
LOL! What do you know? I looked it up and INDEED we have 4 nostrils: 2 external and 2 internal. Ha!
I just hate it when my holes ooze, and not it a good way!
Get yourself one of those blue Neti pots that looks like a Smurf penis, take a shot of NyQil and go listen to Elly play Herbert while she sings a soothing song over at http://www.bugginword.com.
You’ll be right as rain in no time!
SisterMerryHellish recently posted…Flashback then forward Friday! – The Secret Life of a Homicidal Desk Mouse
I had to repeat Smurf Penis strictly for the SEO benefits you’ll receive. 😉
Jack recently posted…Dancing at the Movies – Music Video
Oh thank you you are too kind! LOL. 😉 I’d share my SEO wealth with you if I made some!
I so love that song Fly Me Over. Have been humming it today at work in the midst of my sniffling. Very attractive image I know.
Damn allergies!! Almost make me wish for winter. No, they don’t. I lied.
Feel better though!
Now I have a cold in lieu of allergy. Sometimes “be careful what you wish for” Ha!
“Every hole on my face has liquid coming out of it! ”
That sounds unutterably gross!
secret agent woman recently posted…Trying to be gracious about fall
Come on, you are a doctor! LOL
omg, you make LMAO!
Mission accomplished. 🙂