You did not heed the warning from the man in Chinatown

July 9, 2010

in therapy in session

There. You did it again.

Remember in the movie Gremlins? No water. No food after midnight. And of course the rules were immediately broken, WTF that nobody EVER EVER listens to those who live in Chinatown? Seriously? monsters were created and hijinks ensued.

Do not feed a closeted egomaniac.


You never heed the warning.



Blame this raging Navel Gazing post on Silvia @ A Bourbon for Silvia and Trish @ Patty Punker. They gave me water and fed me food after midnight. So to speak…



So after they broke the feeding rules, they now want ME, the monster they have created, to follow some rules… Fine. You have to at least obey your own Dr. Frankenstein(s), eh?

  1. Thank the person who gave you the award.
  2. If you have never visited A Bourbon for Silvia, please do. “From here – Under the water” is one of my favorite posts. Ever. It makes you want to go skinny dipping. Not in a drunken teenager and Imma gonna live to regret it way. But in a good, self-realization way.

    If you have never visited Patty Punker, please do. She has a foul mouth and is proud of it. But underneath that hardness is one of the softest and truest heart. (Now she’s going to kick my ass for saying this about her…) Her “wtf work bathrooms” is epic. She’s my kind of working woman.

  3. List 7 things about yourself your readers do not know.
  4. Awww. You want me to talk about myself? No. I can’t possibly. I clearly do not like to talk about myself and that’s why I have a friggin’ blog!

  5. Award 5 bloggers who you’ve recently discovered.
  6. Well, this has to wait until I am done talking about myself! Because this post is all about me. ME. ME!!!!!

    *Cue maniacal evil laughter* <— For real. Do NOT click if you are at work!



It took me a while to come up with things that I have not shared with you already…

  • Ok ok. This is a good one: I am an oversharer. And then I feel guilty for oversharing because I don’t want to burden people with my oversharing. Rinse and repeat.
  • I am full of contradictions. I am a Closeted Extrovert and a Closeted Introvert rolled into one. Implosion any minute now.
  • I am hormonal all the friggin’ time. I swear I am affected by the movement of the orbiting Moon.  I never fake cry. I can force myself to cry. And when I cry, it is for real.
  • This is going to make me sound crazy, but I am the most self-deprecating egomaniac ever. EVER!
  • Like Patty Punker and Wicked Shawn, I *heart* polka dots, so much so that I created a tumblr dedicated to polka dots in May.
  • I may have minor OCD, as evidenced by my obsession with going through ALL pictures with polka dots in them on google (current count: ~5,900,000). Once I start a task, I cannot stop until I am done. The way I deal with this? Start nothing. Can you see how blogging is seriously affecting my mental health? There is no end in sight to this thing!
  • I am cynical and gullible at the same time. Or maybe I am just an idiot who has been lucky so far. My brother once told me that he could hear the music by twirling a cassette tape with a pen through one of the holes. I believed him. I was in junior high then, and coincidentally I was the Valedictorian-equivalent in my class.



Sadly, the time alloted for me to talk about myself, again, has come to an end, today. Now on to passing this award on to five beautiful human beings I have recently met…

Ok. Pause. One more thing you need to know about me…

  • I suffer panic attack whenever I need to do something like this: choosing, and by this act of choosing, excluding others. THIS has got to be the hardest part for me as a blogger. If I read your blogs, that means I think you are beautiful inside and out. I have very limited time so I am very selective. I may not be by for a while but it is because I have decided to have more sex. Or the attempts any way…
  • Another thing you need to know about me: I am a sneaky bugger. I have figured out that if you tell people you cannot do something because you need to have sex, people will understand. Oh god, please do not let my kids read this. Or my blog in general.
  • *Cue maniacal evil laughter<— Seriously. Do NOT click if you are at work!



Here are five of the beautiful bloggers that I would like to introduce you to, if you didn’t know them already:

Mature Landscaping – Southern and liberal. Come on. You know you want a piece of it!

IslandRoar – I swear it is because she is a good writer and not some ulterior motive for being invited to Martha’s Vineyard one day…

Fuck Yeah, Motherhood! – Anybody that uses single motherhood and long-hour job as an excuse for not parenting well should read this blog. She makes it sound so easy even though you know it cannot be easy.

here where i have landed – She came from Asia to the US around the same time I did. She lives in beautiful downtown Chicago. She is a working mom. Not hard to see why I lurv her, eh?

Bar Mitzvahzilla – Jewish and liberal in Arizona. She is fighting a good fight there!


Mary Lee July 11, 2010 at 9:57 am

Being a closet extrovert and a closet introvert takes real talent. At least you’re never alone. It’s always good to have company in the Panic Room.

Hope you have a MAH-VELOUS time at the beach!
Mary Lee´s last blog post…Hey- Have You Heard…

Absence Alternatives July 11, 2010 at 8:59 pm

LOL @ Panic Room scenario. Thank you! Haven’t even set foot on the beach yet, but already been to the store to load up on alcoholic coolers, and also to be stared at. I like to say that I double the Asian population here… 😉 Now off to wash kids’ swimming suits and to get rid of the sand from the bathtub: my least favorite part about any beach vacation. Can’t wait till they are old enough. Wait. Never mind. Can’t wait till I go on beach vaca sans kids. 😉

fuck yeah, motherhood! July 10, 2010 at 8:40 pm

Holy crapballs! Dude! Thank you!

I can’t wait to check out my competition, uh, I mean “fellow winners”.

See you in August!
fuck yeah, motherhood!´s last blog post…Try To Catch The Deluge In A Paper Cup

Absence Alternatives July 11, 2010 at 12:02 am

You are very welcome. See you in August! If I don’t melt before then…

Wicked Shawn July 10, 2010 at 1:54 am

I want to save that picture and add it to my family album. I seriously just want you to be part of my family!!! Cutest. Fucking. Picture. OMJ.

Congratulations, blah, blah, blah. You are wonderful, yada, yada, yada. *giggle*
You know I totally lurv you! Completely!

Your OCD just made me totally finalize ONE (and it is the first and only one) decision I have made for sure in regards to BlogHer! Kisses and huge thanks!

Also, I am so excited, 4 out of your 5 are new to me, can’t wait to get addicted to 4 more.
Wicked Shawn´s last blog post…Puh-Leaze……and F-K U Too Lindsay-

Absence Alternatives July 10, 2010 at 11:50 am

Bow chica bow wow…

Sorry. That’s what comes to mind when I think of you. 😉 I guess this all would be weird if you were to adopt me into your family… LOL.

Unknown Mami July 9, 2010 at 7:35 pm

I’d leave a longer comment, but I need to go have more sex.
Unknown Mami´s last blog post…Fragmented Fridays

Absence Alternatives July 9, 2010 at 11:34 pm


We should all make a conscious effort to use this as an excuse for everything from now on.

Nance July 9, 2010 at 3:42 pm

Oh, my, honey. This is my first blog award and I’m having a hot flash right this second! Let’s see: OCD, check. Panic attacks, check. Blog addiction, check. Cynical/Easy mark, check. Extroverted Introvert (I think of this as “brave”), check. Sex excuse…um, not so much, since my kids are all grown up and married; they and their spouses read my stuff, so I’ve got to keep pretending that my sexual event-to-reproduction rate was 100%.

I’m so excited, I’m having trouble typing for flapping my hands up and down trying to cool off!

And you were one adorable young’un!
Nance´s last blog post…Speaks Barrels-Doctor- My Eyes

Absence Alternatives July 9, 2010 at 11:46 pm

M’lady, you are one adorable young’un too. 🙂

Keep on fighting a good fight with the other Southern belles on Hen’s Teeth. Maybe some day I will dare set my foot in the South. And if I do, it is all because of you ladies! 😉

Kernut the Blond July 9, 2010 at 1:08 pm

I heart panic attacks.
Oversharing is the stuff great bloggers are made of! Share away!
You say ‘OCD’ like that’s a bad thing. I don’t understand? The clothes in my closet may be in rainbow order, but that’s a good thing. (“Hey, NO! Don’t you dare put the blue top in the green section! OMG – What’s wrong with you?! Don’t touch my stuff.” Oh, wait – who am I talking to? I’m single. Ahh, and now we know why.)
Kernut the Blond´s last blog post…Emails With Guy Kawasaki and The Bloggess

Absence Alternatives July 9, 2010 at 11:35 pm

I can’t see any other way of arranging one’s closet esp. if you keep unicorns in it!

Average Girl July 9, 2010 at 1:02 pm

Congrats, lady — you rock! If you pee a little every time you get a comment, I’m guessing you are positively torrential with this award. Enjoy~

Absence Alternatives July 9, 2010 at 11:33 pm

Don’t worry. I have taken the advice from one NASA astronaut named Lisa Nowak…

pattypunker July 9, 2010 at 12:34 pm

i am so glad i gave you this award, because this post is just blogalicious. and so are you. i could eat you all up in that picture. and thank you back for your super kind words about me. i in no way deserve to have that kind of love bestowed on me (okay maybe i do, and why aren’t more people doing it.) i think you get this dichotomous sentiment.

and there is nothing not spectucalar about polka dots, so i salute your tumblr and your putting the OCD to good use. the best i can do with my OCD is walk back to my car parked at the train station several times a week to double make sure i locked the doors.
pattypunker´s last blog post…she’s wicked in all the right ways

Absence Alternatives July 9, 2010 at 11:32 pm

How do you like the Buddy Guy pictures? I stayed up till 2 am with my OCD…

Jennifer July 9, 2010 at 12:09 pm

Oversharing IS NEVER a burden… is entertainment and sometimes therapy:)
Jennifer´s last blog post…are you considering a 3-way ménages a trios ambien sex

Absence Alternatives July 9, 2010 at 11:31 pm

You guys are a bunch of enablers!

Vanilla North July 9, 2010 at 12:07 pm

“I am a Closeted Extrovert and a Closeted Introvert rolled into one. Implosion any minute now.”

one of the best!!! lines EVER!!!
Vanilla North´s last blog post…that simple

Absence Alternatives July 9, 2010 at 11:30 pm

Thank you thank you very much. 🙂

Absence Alternatives July 9, 2010 at 11:31 pm

Now I am suffering from anxiety. Peaked. Peaked.

Justine July 9, 2010 at 12:03 pm

Three things:

1. Holy shit! You like me – you really like me! Thank you – this is quite an honor. Esp coming from you. My first award ever. I think I’m going to cry. Wait for it… wait for it…nope. All good. Still grateful though.

2. Is that a picture of YOU??? Can I say how much I love it? OK thanks – I LOVE IT! Very much. And this isn’t me kissing your ass because of the award. I would kiss it anyway even sans award. Although with one is waaay better.

3. I am currently reading Maxine Hong Kingston’s Tripmaster Monkey (although I swear I don’t only do/read Asian things because I’m one. My last book was the Golden Compass – no Asians!) and in it, the main character’s a man from Chinatown, and it’s fresh on my mind so when I saw the title to your post, I thought you were channeling (or stalking) me.

BTW, you are totally deserving of this. Loved your “acceptance speech” here.

Ass-kissing, over and out.
Justine´s last blog post…Project Band-Aid

Absence Alternatives July 9, 2010 at 11:29 pm

1. Little grasshopper, you’ll need to learn the “crying game” from a true master.
2. Please see my reply to Elly. (Thank you!)
3. I have a signed copy of that book. 🙂 Would love to know how you like it. IMO: Not as angry as Frank Chin’s characters (or Frank Chin himself), so not as annoying. On a related note: it’s a bizarre coincidence also that I discovered the band The Morning Benders today. The lead singer is Asian American. And he’s cute. Booyah!
4. You wore polka dots today too. Take pictures and I will “tumble” you. (Somehow that sounds kinky. I hope your husband does not mind… Unless he’s wearing polka dots today too. LOL)

Vintage Christine July 9, 2010 at 11:28 am

So where’s this “closet”? Believe me when I tell you . . . you are NOT either a closeted extrovert OR a closeted introvert. You’re OUT, sistah! Well, maybe in REAL LIFE you’re closeted, right? If so, don’t worry–one of these days you’ll get to be my age and if you’re like me (and I kinda think you are) you’re just gonna SPLODE outta that friggin’ closet. But hopefully you’ll do that splodin’ before you get old since man, it really is awesome just being ME these days!!!
Vintage Christine´s last blog post…Ive Been At The Beach Where Have YOU Been- Huh

Absence Alternatives July 9, 2010 at 11:24 pm

I agree. I think it’s awesome being YOU too! 🙂 I can’t wait to be free and alive again. In all honesty.

Elly Lou July 9, 2010 at 11:04 am

That is the cutest fucking picture I have ever seen in the history of the entire cosmos. A-goddamned-dorable!
Elly Lou´s last blog post…Heartache

Absence Alternatives July 9, 2010 at 11:23 pm

Yeah. I kind of peaked at the age of 3…

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