You can say that I have given up on attracting more male readers… Since I am of the Drastic Measure type of bitches: It is All or Nothing to me, I have decided to actively repel men*, esp. the straight kind. Let’s go all the way, baby!
This is a real book.
The Cambridge Women’s Pornography Cooperative asked women, young, old, rich, and poor, “What really, really gets you hot?” Armed with their findings, they worked day and night to create Porn for Women.
(Granted, the book should have been more accurately titled “Porn for Straight Women”… And some of the things attributed to the men/actors are plainly condescending, if not insulting, to women IMO, such as “Ooh Look! The NFL Playoffs are today. I bet we’ll have no trouble parking at the craft’s fair.”… At any rate, I hope you all get the chuckle or drool out of these…)
Some choice pornographic photos from the book:
I found the following on Flickr:
(This one, to me, is more about fairness: Yup. If you make the mess, you clean up the mess. IMO, most men that claim they love to cook do not have to clean up the pots and pans afterwards. If they had to clean up afterwards, they would not have used three pots to cook one dish!)
As Liz Lemon would say:
I want to go to there.
* I understand that this is an affectatious** statement: by claiming that I am actively repelling men, I am implying that otherwise they would have visited this blog in drones. It’s like I prefer to think to myself that people dislike me because 1) they are racists, 2) they hate my gut. The truth is, I am deeply aware of this, they probably simply dislike me because they dislike me.
** The use of the word “affectatious” is itself ironically affectatious.***
*** The fact that I pointed the above out is an act of affectation.
**** And so on, and so forth.
***** I don’t really worry about the fact that I have few male readers. In order to prove myself to you, I will talk about menstrual cycles next.
****** Why is “MEN” in the word “MENstrual”?
******* Come to think of it, I think Elly has beat me to it [i.e. talking about menstrual cycles] with this video she posted on her blog called “Her First Period”.
******** I really should turn my footnotes into a separate blog post. And I am writing my footnotes before I write the post proper, and am having more fun doing this.
******** Do people even read these footnotes?
Oh, I hate folding laundry too. So…I don’t. Lucky for me, all things that might end up looking horrible if they are crammed in a drawer are things that get hung up anyway. (I also have never owned an iron. I’m such a neanderthal.)
Although we do own an iron, I probably use it once a year. Or I wait until my mother-in-law’s here, and she takes it upon herself to iron shirts for church. (I am fine with that!) Actually there is a pile of clothes on top of my dryer right now waiting to be ironed. They have been there since last year…
We divide up the housework. He does the laundry(though I often end up folding/steaming/hanging and putting the clothes away), taking out trash, dishes, the toilet and hand mes(honey could you hand me the lysol wipes) and I do just about everything else. He was also a really big help with organizing things while moving. Since we both have full time jobs I don’t think it would be fair if he didn’t pitch in around the house.
We kind of divided things up too: He takes care of the emergencies and I, everything else. I have been wanting to write a post on the economy of house chore division. Let’s say he fixes the plumbing, since plumbers are more expensive, does that mean his share is worth more?
Your site broke up with me and now eats my comments. I’ll try not to take it personally. Then again, I’m pretty hormonal.
Because you are delicious, dahling!
But will you hate me for pointing out that affectatious is, in fact, not a real word at all? (You can hate me if you want.)
((Affected is the realer, but less exciting, word. In case I have not yet been pedantic enough.))
(((I actually like doing dishes when they aren’t my dishes. I will happily zen out doing other people’s dishes. I hate doing my own. That isn’t even strictly true — I hate the thought of doing them, and so I put it off and off and off until my sink is crammed full. In actual practice, I don’t mind the doing of them at all. I’m silly.)))
I actually LOVE doing the dishes. I hate folding the laundry though. I actually looked it up again, and it is not used any more. http://painintheenglish.com/case/360 And hence my musing on how affected it is to use this word when one can simply use the simpler word affected.
I read the footnotes.
Hm – the idea of a man doing those chores strikes me as appealing for its thoughtfulness, but not sexy to me. Or, not sexual, maybe.
The way I look at it, it is sexy because I cannot relax and get into the sexy mood if the house is a mess downstairs. Maybe I have issues… 😉
Oy. And it doesn’t suck that they have 6-pack abs, too. It would still be porn if they were old, bald and fat, tho.
Tru dat!
Yes, I read footnotes.
Would you believe me that I have a living breathing specimen of porn for women in my house? Not as handsome as your examples, not as young, not quite as sexy, but willing to almost anything for me; provided he doesn’t have to do do anything more urgent for himself first, of course.
Thank you for visiting my blog. This is a funny space, I like funny.
Thank YOU! That post of yours is full of kindness and great thoughts. It is a great reminder.
I guess I’m lucky mine does dishes and the garbage! I would give anything for someone to cook dinner for me though. That would truly be a fantasy!
Just make sure they are a good cook and not some raw food addict!
I’m a lesbian, and this turns even me on! I especially like garbage guy! Great
post, Lin!
Kathy
LOL. Thank you for being a good sport! Xxoo
Is it bad those images do nothing for me at all? I mean, they’re not even that cute! Except maybe the second one. Though I’m pretty sure I care more for his upper body than for the fact that he’s doing laundry. Then again, if he’s busy doing laundry, he won’t have time for me anyway ;).
But we don’t have the make the mess-clean the mess-rule – I cook, she cleans; she cooks, I clean. It’s like dividing the workload. And neither of us likes to cook, so not having to deal with the dishes at least makes it a bit more bearable ;).
I would be really confused if you were aroused by these! 😉
I love those porn images! (There’s something I don’t find myself saying often.)
Also, I love footnotes.
Yup. Can’t believe you said that either. I wont quote you!
(Please don’t hate me for being luckier than I deserve. It took me three legalized tries to land in this briar patch, Brer Rabbit, but I’ve just gotta brag on my man).
My Mr. Mature does ALL that and knows how it affects me. He irons for relaxation and we refer to it as Foreplay. He could have made any of those porn pics above without a hint of loss of his fighter pilot’s macho.
I’ll take a little credit. I’m a retired marriage therapist. When I asked Mr. Mature to pick up cooking two weeknight meals weekly, he was a little apprehensive. He can make great omelets, but he tends to put things like bananas in them if you don’t watch him. Nevertheless, he was game. His favorite go-to was stir-fry. He asked for some seasoning and technique assistance, but said he had it from there. He knew there were often pale round discs with green edges in my stir-fries, so he went with cucumbers to go with the carrots, red peppers, onions, mushrooms, chicken, etc. Nothing worse on the planet than a stir-fried cucumber slice, but I ate them at least once a week for years and never let on. And I loved them, by gawd. And so would you, in my shoes.
Don’t give up, girl. Just keep hyping that guy porn. Mad Men has proved that advertising is what EVERYTHING comes down to.
LOL. Now I feel bad. Of course I don’t hate you. I attribute it more to each person’s luck. What I have an issue with is when other women accuse me of not doing anything about this as if we can truly train a person when they don’t want to be changed or that I should divorce a man for not doing housework…