Wanted: Crazy Bitches to Party With at BlogHer

Warning: The following is BUI – Blogging Under the Influence. Like, now.

I went to a company shindig tonight. Great people. Fun people. People that I have worked with for five years and with whom I have been through a lot. The company is celebrating a wonderful event and everybody is in a good mood. We feel that we have finally got to the point where we can say: This. This makes it all worth it.

The event was open bar. That means yours truly started drinking as soon as she set foot in the room and by 6:30 pm, I have already downed four glasses of cranberry with Grey Goose vodka. (Yes, I am fortunate enough to work for a very generous company…)  This woman who happened to be by my side the whole time started saying, “Is that your fourth drink?” “That’s your fourth drink, isn’t it?” And she looked at me the way people look at you when they think you are drunk. (Come on, you know what I mean!) I reassured her that I was absolutely not drunk. That what she was seeing was the REAL ME. A little bit crazy. A little bit sassy. Very very friendly. Very very very flirty. Very very very very funny. And LOUD. She was not convinced the way people think you are definitely drunk when you protest and say “I am NOT drunk.”

No offense. But how the fuck did I get stuck with women? Young women. Women who are still on the market and therefore need to maintain a ladylike presence and continue to exclaim at my “bad” behaviors.

ETA (The morning after…) I have to tell you what happened just now (The morning after the company shindig) because it’s just priceless: I showed up at 8:30 am, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, ready for action (work-related).  So the same woman who counted how many drink I’d had 30 minutes into the party? “Good morning! How are you feeling today?” In a way, you know, how people say it when they think you are having a massive hangover (For the record: I was not even drunk. Scout’s Honor. I drank 2 bottles of water and took 4 Advils before I went to bed. No hangover). Then she commented, “You have two kids right? You must not get out much.” Seriously? WTF?

All the men I work with know that I can hold my liquor very well. They may not want to admit it but I know they are impressed. They may be secretly pissed that I can drink more than they, but hey, they know it is the truth. And they don’t make a big deal out of it.

Can I tell you something? I love being one of the guys. I do. I love hanging out with them drinking. In college, I was never treated as a “girl”. I was their buddy. And I enjoyed every second of it.

At the end of the company shindig, the original plan was to continue the merrymaking somewhere else. The plan suffered a drastic blow when some guy who does not know me very well said, “Well, we are going some place to drink whiskey and stuff and probably do some ‘sexist’ things.” I had no idea what that meant but I was intrigued. Then one of the guys that I am pretty close to said, “It’s just a bunch of guys holding their penises and drinking whiskey!” You know what? I don’t care! I want to see them hold their penises and I’ll grow a penis and I’ll go!

But no. The womenfolk decided to go hang out at a different bar because we’d let men do what men do.

Huh?

So I ended up at a post-party party that’s not really a party and I was so fucking bored. Unfortunately for yours truly, I was also the oldest person there and I could not be interested in whatever they’re talking about. Half way through the torture of sitting at the table and nursing my seventh drink for the night, I went to the lady’s room to brush my hair. I was there for half an hour and I was happy.  When I came out, I found that my “girlfriend” decided to play pool. In my mind, you only play pool when you are trying to impress guys with your nice behind when you stick it up in the air. Since I am happily married, I have no fucking interest in playing pool. So I left. I came back to the office and I am just sitting here, wishing fervently that I had a penis.

I will be heading to New York City on Friday morning to partake in the madness that is BlogHer. It strikes me as hilariously ironic that right before my trip to BlogHer, aka WOMEN GALORE, I am sitting here, hating myself for succumbing to the female peer pressure and staying with the “girls”. I wish I had said, “Sorry ladies. I am going with the guys because you ladies have some images to uphold and are not crazy enough for me!” Especially since it turned out that the invitation to go hold penises and drink whiskey was actually extended to me.

Instead I am sitting here in the deserted, dark office, blogging.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE. Give me some crazy women to party with at BlogHer. Women who don’t care how they look to the others. Women who don’t tsk tsk at you because you are not being “proper”. Women who are not secretly embarrassed to be seen with you and are not doing a good job hiding it. Women who don’t count the number of your drinks.

I need some crazy biatches to party with me in New York City. ARE YOU LADIES CRAZY ENOUGH?!

By the way, in case you are wondering whether I am a traitor to my sex. No ladies. It’s really just a vent above really. I don’t really want a penis. And I love shoes. In fact, I freak out about shoes once in a while. And like most, if not all, of you, I went overboard on the “shoe planning” front last week when I realized BlogHer is THIS FRIDAY AND SATURDAY!

What boxes? You mean these? Oh don't worry. I am returning most of them...

.

Fine. I will NOT be keeping them all. Party pooper!

Article by Absence Alternatives

Absence has written 723 articles.
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{ 23 comments… add one }
  • Jess August 5, 2010, 12:11 am

    I totally sympathize with ppl looking at you funny for having too many drinks. AND with wanting to do guy things. I have never been one to act very “ladylike” cause most of my friends were either guys or awesome tomboys growing up. So I can down four drinks and still maintain my persona, not be smashed and falling all over the place like some pansy. If my friends said they were going somewhere to drink whiskey and watch women poledance, I would definitely follow them there cause I would be very entertained. I like interacting with a guy without having them try to hit on you all over the place, I just like having some laid back F-U-N. And I’m not even off the market yet. But when I do date, it’s usually some fun-loving yet emotionally brilliant guy who appreciates my brashness but can also balance it out 😀

    Oh and, Blogher? Are you going with the author of A Vapid Blonde by chance? Cause I just found out she’s going too. And my beau is going to be there for work too…you’ll have to tell me how it goes and what the highlights of the trip are!
    Jess´s last blog post…Fox News- the Best Talk Radio Ever

    • Absence Alternatives August 5, 2010, 7:42 am

      Jess, yes, Vapid will be one of the ladies I plan to maul in NYC. 😉 Let me know what you would like me to do to her on your behalf. 😉

  • virginia August 5, 2010, 7:05 am

    If I had known about blogher I would have hauled my ass to NY to party. Cause I lurv me a good shindig and my favourite place on earth is a Cole Haan store. Well one of them.

    • Absence Alternatives August 10, 2010, 8:06 pm

      San Diego next year. Is it close(r) to where you are? I lurv a girl who loves to party, esp. since I need a lot of alcohol before I can forget enough about myself to relax. I need role models!

  • Andrea August 5, 2010, 8:07 am

    I SO WISH I WAS GOING TO BLOGHER!!! 🙁 But as I will be living vicariously through all of you, please party it up and write write write about it so I can pretend I was there.

    BTW, I too would have felt more comfortable hanging with the guys and their penises. I sometimes have a hard time around women. Men are much easier, less catty, less bitchy, more direct. But blogging bitches, they are my favorites. 😉

    • Absence Alternatives August 5, 2010, 2:04 pm

      If we both are going next year, you are welcome to bunk with me (and whichever crazy ladies happen to be there). We don’t expect to sleep anyway, right? So it’s just a room so we can get showers and get dressed. 😉

      So… if I do the “live blogging” again, you will not HATE me?

  • Justine August 5, 2010, 7:08 am

    I wish you would stop writing about my life. Oh wait. I can’t handle anything past the first drink. You must not be talking about me. Although the rest of the stuff? The (not) wishing you had a penis, enjoying the company of men better than women, shoes and more shoes – that’s all me too. I love being around guys because I can be myself a little more since I am a little off kilter, a little inappropriate, not easily offended and I can belch with the best of them. And – I’ve said this to you before – that’s why BlogHer scares the crap out of me. I just don’t know how I’d fit in. Or where.

    Anyway, I would TOTALLY have volunteered my crazy bitch self to hang with you and I have a feeling you’d be great company, even if you lack a penis. 🙂

    Have a wonderful BlogHer weekend lady. Can’t wait for the stories.
    Justine´s last blog post…This is so wrong

    • Absence Alternatives August 5, 2010, 7:47 am

      We need to meet for lunch one day. However I am afraid I may be tempted to kidnap you so…

  • Erica@PinesLakeRedhead August 5, 2010, 7:31 am

    OK, now I really wish that I was going to BlogHer. I’d hang with you even if your shoes might be cuter than mine.
    Erica@PinesLakeRedhead´s last blog post…Fun &amp Funky Fabric

  • Absence Alternatives August 5, 2010, 7:41 am

    Oh ladies, I would have loved to have all of you there to party with me! We will all wear strap-ons and hold our penises together.

    Now… I have to tell you what happened just now (The morning after the company shindig) because it’s just priceless: I showed up at 8:30 am, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, ready for action (work-related). So the same woman who counted how many drink I’d had 30 minutes into the party? “Good morning! How are you feeling today?” In a way, you know, how people say it when they think you are having a massive hangover (For the record: I was not even drunk. Scout’s Honor. I drank 2 bottles of water and took 4 Advils before I went to bed. No hangover). Then she commented, “You have two kids right? You must not get out much.” Seriously? WTF?

  • Elly Lou August 5, 2010, 7:45 am

    I’m holding a bottle of Chopin in one hand and my penis in the other. Hurry up and get here already, would you?
    Elly Lou´s last blog post…Nuptial Noodleing

    • Absence Alternatives August 5, 2010, 7:48 am

      You are already at the WILD AND CRAZY LAND??!!!!! Say hi to Vapid for me. But do NOT tell her my plan to maul her. It’s going to be a surprise attack!

  • Velva August 5, 2010, 9:53 am

    As always, you leave me laughing 🙂 I will gladly party with you. I have nothing left to prove, no image to uphold, and I am happily married too.
    You are going to meet some fabulous women at BlogHer. I am so envious. You will have to update your fb or something so that I can live vicariously through you.

    btw, you can do me a favor? The Kitchen Witch is going too, if you see her, please say hello to her for me.
    Velva´s last blog post…Classic Buffalo Style Hot Chicken Wings

    • Absence Alternatives August 6, 2010, 12:14 am

      I am going to TWEET the whole time I am there and my tweets will show up here. How about that? 🙂 I know people are probably tired of this live blogging shit, but I am enjoying blogging without to actually blog. LOL

      Oh… The kitch witch is one of the ladies I plan to do lots of inappropriate things to too. I am taking requests right now! Let me know what you would like me to do to her on behalf of you. 😉

  • pattypunker August 5, 2010, 10:42 am

    i’ve been dumped by the guys and left with the girls while away on business too. it’s like i’m cool enough to hang with until it’s time to go to the stripper joint. like those offend me. next time i’m bringing a wad of dollars to ensure i don’t get left with the judgy mcjudginton girls.

    oh and here are my party rules:
    1. no counting drinks
    2. no looking at the time
    3. there are no rules

    do i qualify?
    pattypunker´s last blog post…calypso fairy tale

    • Absence Alternatives August 6, 2010, 12:46 am

      M’lady, you are a Charter Member. A founding father. One of the Permanent Members in the United Nation with veto power. YOU are IT. xxoo.

  • linlah August 5, 2010, 10:09 pm

    There are no rules in drinking, or being one of the boys with the “real” girls.
    linlah´s last blog post…the rules are- there are no rules- generally

  • Jess August 10, 2010, 10:11 pm

    what is painful as all hell, Lin? it sounds like u are talking about peircings or tattoos. and i was also enthralled to read the post of Justine. I think there are a lot of “un-ladylike” ladies like us out there who could have an awesome time together if only we could connect. I know for one I would love to spend an evening chatting about rated-R topics and I’m sure I could teach you how to survive the drink past round 1 🙂
    Jess´s last blog post…Fox News- the Best Talk Radio Ever

  • Keia August 11, 2010, 2:03 pm

    Umm, better late then never with this post.
    I actually can’t remember who I landed here, but I loved this post. I can so relate to the office shindig and the shoes of course!

    Happy hump day…yawn!
    Keia´s last blog post…My Favorite

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