We can’t be friends if your name is Doug

Since I have started telling you English words that I simply have a hard time pronouncing, I thought I’d mention this:

What is up with the name DOUG?

I tried and tried and so far I don’t think I’ve managed to pronounce this name correctly. It sounds somewhere in the spectrum between “dog” and “da-g”. People are always going, “Huh? Dog? What?” Seriously? If I am talking about a person, WHAT OTHER NAME is there that sounds remotely like DOG other than DOUG?

One of the guys living in our street is named Doug. So far I have been referring to him as “so and so’s husband” and “so and so’s dad”. If I have to get his attention, well, I hope that day never comes because I really don’t want to be calling him “DOG!”

Yes, I am obsessed. It really bothers me that somehow I cannot master such a simple word. When I go to a social occasion, I actually consciously hope that nobody I meet there is named Doug. And keeping my fingers crossed, so far, nobody at work has this name. KNOCK ON WOOD! It would not look good if I constantly refer to a colleague as “Dog”. HR will come-a-calling soon.


You can get this shirt along with the others from, where else? Cafe Press, the purveyor of .... everything Doug


Next Up: Why I never order VANILLA ice cream or request MANILA folders…

Article by Absence Alternatives

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{ 45 comments… add one }
  • Catherine October 5, 2010, 6:09 am

    I think you need to go hard core gangsta style and call him D-Dog
    Catherine´s last blog post…The intimacy of eye contact

  • Mary Lee October 5, 2010, 6:56 am

    LOL! Forget that O, Girlfriend. Down here, he’d be Dug. Or maybe D-u-u-u-u-g.

    What else can I translate for you in my attempt to make you a belle? 🙂
    Mary Lee´s last blog post…Bedecked!

    • Absence Alternatives October 6, 2010, 6:28 pm

      How do you say “Quick I need a shot of vodka because I am sweating like a pig” down in the south?

      p.s. You are like the reverse Jive-talking Lady on Airplane!

  • TheKitchenWitch October 5, 2010, 8:00 am

    If you ever meet a guy named Doug just refer to him as “dude.” Because all Dougs smoke weed.

    This post made me giggle out loud.

  • writerwoman61 October 5, 2010, 8:23 am

    Maybe the rhyming thing will work again? “Doug” rhymes with “bug.”

    writerwoman61´s last blog post…Coincidence I Think Not!

  • Elly Lou October 5, 2010, 10:06 am

    It’s the past tense of dig – as in “can you dig it?” So instead of saying, “I did so-and-so’s husband’s lime green capri pants,” you can say, “I totally dug Doug’s orange, flowered headband at the last cotillion.”

    I know. You’re welcome.
    Elly Lou´s last blog post…Too Sexy For Her Cone

  • Tom G. October 5, 2010, 12:29 pm

    Hmm… did you ever notice that Doug spelled backwards is God? Creepy.
    Tom G.´s last blog post…Secret Notes from the Lair of my Dark Corporate Overlords

  • magpie October 5, 2010, 12:41 pm

    I wish I knew a Doug. I’d send this along.
    magpie´s last blog post…Scenes from a Weekend- Part 1

  • SisterMerryHellish October 5, 2010, 12:57 pm

    Can you say “Duh?” No, no… Put the the switchblade down! I meant can you literally say the word “duh?” Doug is like “Duh” with a “g” on the end of it. The one I know though, he’s mostly just like “Duh.”
    SisterMerryHellish´s last blog post…The Freakdar Never Lies- Return of the CSG

  • pattypunker October 5, 2010, 3:56 pm

    ok, think carpet-muncher. and the easy peasy way to say that is rug-muncher. and what ryhmes with rug is doug. does doug wear a rug? (yeah, i have no idea either.)
    pattypunker´s last blog post…things lindsay lohan says

  • Linda at Bar Mitzvahzilla October 5, 2010, 5:32 pm

    That’s so funny. I do that “so and so’s father” or “X’s husband” because I’m constantly forgetting names, like of people I should know. It just seems that now, with being 50 and all, I’ve known so many people from so many places – jobs, schools, exercise classes, synagogues, etc. – that I can’t keep everything straight. My mind goes blank. I need notecards.

  • Wicked Shawn October 5, 2010, 5:33 pm

    Okay, I was going to be all sympathetic and shit, then I read pattypunker’s comment and you lost me. Her rug muncher comment got me! WTF??!! Now, when you see your neighber Doug, no worries whatsoever about mispronouncing his name, just hope you don[t mistakenly blurt out “rugmuncher”. Easy peasy, ala pattypunker. ROFLMFAO!!!!
    Wicked Shawn´s last blog post…It Wasn’t My Fault

  • BigLittleWolf October 5, 2010, 5:33 pm

    You crack me up. I will admit I particularly like saying the name “Doug” in French. It comes out “Doog.” Don’t know why that tickles me (go figure), but it sure doo(g).
    BigLittleWolf´s last blog post…Righteous Recreation of Self-Image

    • Absence Alternatives October 12, 2010, 1:07 pm

      Woooooo. French pronunciation. I am laughing now imagining myself faking a very bad French accent (a la Steve Marin in Pink Panther) calling people DOOG. LOL

  • dufmanno October 5, 2010, 7:10 pm

    When I read this I get a little sad because I know you are somewhere giving an important presentation.
    Then I think about all the Doug’s I know and I scratch my head because it turns out I don’t know any.
    If I ever DO come in contact with and befriend a Doug however I will promptly try out Patty Punkers idea.
    dufmanno´s last blog post…A Girl Really Should Know Her Limitations

  • Velva October 5, 2010, 8:01 pm

    Now, why can’t I come up with a witty comment like Kitchen Witch? The best I can come up with to write, is that knowing someone named “Doug” will make me want to call him “Dog” from this day forward.
    Velva´s last blog post…Mushroom and Provolone Patty Melt

    • Absence Alternatives October 6, 2010, 6:44 pm

      So it it true that native speakers never think the name reminds them of Dog? Interesting…

  • Jack October 6, 2010, 2:16 am

    I spell my name JACK but I pronounce it Doug.
    Jack´s last blog post…Do you Have Blog Envy

  • Meg at the Members Lounge October 6, 2010, 11:38 am

    I would keeping going with dog, because that’s what Randy Jackson from American Idol calls EVERYONE.
    Meg at the Members Lounge´s last blog post…From Flip Flops to Fleece

  • secret agent woman October 6, 2010, 4:21 pm

    So, uh, how would you say dug, as in “I dug a hole in the ground?” Same word.
    secret agent woman´s last blog post…Wheres the goddamn noodles- YART- Part 1

    • Absence Alternatives October 6, 2010, 6:46 pm

      I like this. Very practical. As Miss B suggested in her email to me just use it in a sentence such as “I dug a hole for the body of the guy I just stabbed…”

  • Absence Alternatives October 6, 2010, 6:48 pm

    Dear All, are you telling me that all these years of agonizing over how to pronounce DOUG and it sounds exactly like DUG?

    Now I feel stupid because I can say DUG very well. I say “I dug myself into a deep hole” all the time.

    • Absence Alternatives October 6, 2010, 6:50 pm

      Thank you all the English lesson. Now I can go forth and make friends with DOUGs. I however will continue to shun the RONs.

  • Robin October 7, 2010, 8:24 am

    I can’t help but think of that scene from The Cutting Edge.
    Robin´s last blog post…The Damn I Happen To Give

    • Absence Alternatives October 9, 2010, 7:21 pm

      Wow. You remember the characters’ names so well! Most of the time I only remember their names if their names happen to be the titles of the movies.

  • Naptimewriting October 8, 2010, 12:16 am

    Okay, here’s your practice.
    “Uuuuuuuuh. Uuuuuuuuuuuh.” Stick your lower jaw as far backward as possible.
    “Uuuuuuuuuuuuh. Duuuuuuuuuuuuuug.”

    And then just rotate through these: Man, Buddy, Friend, and Kitch’s suggestion of Dude. Might as well pretend you forgot his name, because being embarrassed that you can’t remember is better than being honest about how awful his name is.
    Naptimewriting´s last blog post…Open Letter to the Friend Who Quit

  • Vodka and Ground Beef October 12, 2010, 12:33 am

    The title alone is hilarious.
    Vodka and Ground Beef´s last blog post…Team of the Week

  • Jen October 12, 2010, 1:45 pm

    This cracks me up. We have a friend named Doug. My 2 year old calls him “Bug.” Somehow it works. Give it a try!

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