I recently remembered that I have kept my computer files from the last century somewhere on the hard drive and went looking. I came upon a Letter to Nobody that I wrote in 1997 documenting an interesting encounter that I have since forgotten.
What surprises and delights me is that I sounded just as sarcastic, bitchy and “stabby” thirteen years ago. I have not changed one bit!
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Yet another excuse for me to use my favorite sign from The Bloggess
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Another just as delightful realization dawned on me: A letter to nobody yet with an imagined audience somewhere out there? An innate, almost pathological need to (over) share, to tell my stories? I guess I am destined to be a blogger all along. Or perhaps it’s the other way around: I should be grateful that blogging came along and saved me from a life in the joint from having stabbed someone. It was bound to happen if not for this.
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My Stories
June 25, 1997
As you all know, I have had several “interesting” experiences as an Asian woman in this country. But tonight I hit the jackpot. . . I thought I might share it with you all. I hope you “appreciate” this story as I do.
I went to Brookstone in the mall with my husband this evening. We were looking at different things and I wandered away from him. (My first mistake?) I was looking at a finger blood pressure measurement machine when the salesperson sneaked up from behind.
“I see, you are taking your own blood pressure,” he said.
I wasn’t interested in the gadget, so I didn’t respond to him.
“Do you not understand English? Are you with the man over there?” he said loudly and slowly.
So before he even heard me speak, he assumed that I did not understand English.
“Oh, man, I can’t believe this is happening.” I thought.
I tried to give him a good comeback. So I took a deep breath, sighed, without looking at him,
“No, I do NOT understand English.”
He laughed. Ha ha.
Now, most normal human beings would just take the hint and leave me alone, but not my salesperson. He continued,
“Oh, you do NOT understand English VERY WELL. Not only do you understand me fine, you also got the joke.”
I was wondering which part of his remarks could be the joke. I was also frustrated because he did not get MY “joke”.
“Are you looking at the electric toothbrush also?”
He took down one of the electric toothbrushes displayed on top of the blood pressure taker I was looking at and started explaining how the thing works. Again, I wasn’t really interested.
“Are you not understanding me? Do you understand enough English? Are you following me here?” he out of nowhere drew this conclusion about me.
I asked myself, “Is it because how I look? Is it because how I dress?”
I have to admit that he caught me offguard. I couldn’t believe that someone would say something like this out right to me. I was so surprised that I forgot to get offended.
Silence.
He kept on saying something else. I wasn’t listening. I was laughing. I turned to him with a smile,
“You know, right now I really feel like grabbing something and hitting you with it.”
I ended my line with more laughter.
“I’d better leave here now,” I said, not moving.
At this moment, my husband approached us and asked me what happened.
“Oh, I was just being too helpful and she said she wants to hit me with something,” the salesperson said with a laugh.
Then he turned to me and said, “I know how you feel.”
Do you really? I was thinking.
“I feel the same way whenever I go shopping,” he added.
So isn’t that curious? He feels like an Asian when he goes shopping!
Sales people annoy the shit out of me. When you need help there is no one available but when you don’t they won’t leave you alone.
.-= Robin´s last blog…No Sex For Me =-.
That’s why I go out of my way to thank a salesperson when they are doing their job nowadays.
Oh wow. Some people have absolutely NO sense whatsoever! I’m glad you saved this story because I think I just burned 50 calories simply from laughing!
-Jen
.-= Jen @ NathanRising´s last blog…Wow. Just wow. =-.
seriously??? where is that place, that grey area for customer service, between harassment and neglect? fuckerz! not feeling too sympathetic to your asian plight. it is possible that i am afflicted by xenophilia(probably not a word..and has nothing to do with sex). but i have always admired, enjoyed, envied asians…maybe to the point of fettish..but my unfortuante boundariless and southern upbringing prevented me from surrounding myself with “them”. many people fancy asians. assholes and fucktards maybe the exceptions. it is reasonable that if one gravitates to asians or latinas it is considered a preference and if feeling similarly toward “whites” or “blacks”(totally disgusting to use those terms) it is racist….because it totally is.
your writing kicked ass from the start…makes sense that you saved it. glad for it.
.-= magda´s last blog…Wanting =-.
Funny, because of my color (brown), age, and gender, they just follow me around in stores like I’m stealing. Or they stare at my bodacious ta-tas, which are hypnotizing. They look like this: (*)(*). I don’t know which is more exasperating. The following, or the staring, or the “no speaky English” business. My tits ain’t holding the wallet, knucklehead.
.-= Seer McRicketts-McGee´s last blog…Dreams sometimes state the obvious =-.
love your (*)(*)..mine look like this …no alt function for droopy crepe papery skinned flaccid reminders of what once was. enjoy
.-= magda´s last blog…Wanting =-.
Too much information warning: Oh, make no mistake, that’s when they’re properly tethered with a brassier. This is probably more accurate without: |.||.| My party trick in college after one too many was holding the yellow pages up underneath my left breast. I understand they’re too saggy for Cosmo if you can hold up a pencil. So, tant pis for me and my titties.
.-= Seer McRicketts-McGee´s last blog…Dreams sometimes state the obvious =-.
Wow. That’s VERY impressive! And there is NO TMI here on my blog. 😉
Holy crap! I want to go back in time and hit him.
.-= Unknown Mami´s last blog…Fragmented Fridays =-.
Fucking hate Brookstone. Always have. I *wish* I felt Asian shopping there. Instead, I feel the portentous weight of civilization’s crash in a fiery storm of ionic air cleaners upon me…
.-= Naptimewriting´s last blog…Two Months, just checking =-.
Who wants to take bets that he is still a salesclerk?????? My money says he is!!! Just doesn’t strike me in this story as someone who was destined for great things. How’s that for a snap judgement, asshat! (just in case where ever he may be he reads this and recognizes himself in this blog)
.-= Wicked Shawn´s last blog…When I Finally Get Excited About Class =-.
Sales people and people in general never fail to amaze me. I was just having this same type of conversation with my soccer mom friend, who just happens to be Asian. She was relaying a story to me yesteday, that I all I could do was nod my head right to left in utter amazement. What the hell is wrong with people? Are they really that ignorant. Sorry, I know the answer to that question.
.-= Velva´s last blog…Limoncello-gin cocktail with grilled thyme =-.
Wow, epic cluelessness. And yes, you were meant to blog.
.-= secret agent woman´s last blog…"This is falling…with style!" (Buzz Lightyear) =-.
Ok. I actually LOL’d loudly enough that the boys shouted from their bedroom (they’re supposed to be asleep) “What’s so funny Mommy?” I heart you and your rants!
.-= Jane´s last blog…Now Showing In A Neighborhood Near You – The Wrap Party =-.
One time an Asian friend of mine, stopped to help a dog in the road. This was in the deep south, but very recently. (I’d love to tell you it was in the 1800s. This friend had the dog by the scruff of the neck trying to keep it from getting hit by this truck. And as the guy in the truck drove by, he shouted to my friend: “Hey boy! I see you caught yer dinner!” Yes. True story.
.-= tara´s last blog…It’s On. At Least for 3 Months. And then it’s Off. =-.
i’m so glad blogging came along, because you became a blogger, and i became a blogger, then blogher came along, and i’m going to go out and play in nyc with your stabbity ass! life is good.
.-= pattypunker´s last blog…10 important factoids about me =-.
If only retailers would teach their salesfolk to offer a simple, “Hi. May I help you?” That allows me to say, “No, thanks. I’ll look for you if I do.” It’s credit for the sale that they seek and I’m more than happy to provide that in exchange for being left alone. Let’s team up and form a sales clerk training module, market it, and get rich quick. (These days, it seems like all my blog comments start out normal and turn themselves into “get rich quick” without my permission. I apologize for my fingers.)
So very glad Merrilymarylee helped me find Your Absentness! It IS strangely validating–even gleeful– to discover that we haven’t really changed all that much.
.-= Nance´s last blog…The Wedding Bends =-.
Wow, I never thought of all my old “moment in time” journals as blog entries before such a thing existed! Really cool and amazingly au courant, I’m sure, since there are probably still dopey sales clerks who will assume that someone doesn’t speak English because of their appearance. I’ve seen Margaret Cho do a great comedy piece on this before where she just assumes this really heavy Korean accent to screw with the clerk.
.-= Linda at Bar Mitzvahzilla´s last blog…Planted =-.
I, too, love that you were blogging long before blogging. You are clearly a woman who is one step ahead of us all.
.-= alejna´s last blog…on my way back to the parking lot =-.
I love that entire first paragraph. It’s all about living out loud, doncha think? I just might need a five second delay on my live feed.
Glad you found blogging, doll. Oh and me for that matter. I just might need your blogging even more than you do.
.-= Elly Lou´s last blog…Cruzin USA =-.
Teeheehee! Well done, even before blogging! My goodness, I don’t know how long I could survive writing letters to myself and not having my statcounter to obsess over every 25 minutes. 😉
Oh, I LOVE this!. I am also so impressed that you can find something you wrote in 1997.
.-= Mary Lee´s last blog…Down By the Riverside =-.
Oh. My. God.
Talk about WTF!!
And that sign is da bomb!!
.-= Maureen@IslandRoar´s last blog…Warning: New Driver Alert! =-.