Guilt is the trip

27 Replies

Dear Blog,

I am very sorry for ignoring you for so long. I have not logged in for at least three days. I am so happy that you are still here.

Let’s see… It is 1:40 am right now. I am sad to say that I can at most spend 15 minutes with you. A quickie. And I will not even be able to cuddle afterwards.

My flight back home was delayed tonight so I did not arrive home until after 11 pm. I remembered this time to curb my urge to immediately pick up the house as soon as I stepped inside. I had a great conversation with The Husband about wine and wine glasses. Then I strayed: I thought, “Let me check work email for just one second.” You know how that turned out…

The Husband went to bed on his own. So I started feeling guilty. I did go upstairs to check on him and when he sounded really sleepy, I’ll be honest with you, I was relieved because I did not have to feel guilty about neglecting him. I mean, the man is tired anyway. I am actually being a nice wife for letting him sleep, right?

I rubbed his back for 3 seconds and he purred. That’s more affection than I have shown him most of the time. So, yeah, no guilt on that front.

I proceeded to pick up the bedroom and dragged the laundry downstairs because it would just be as easy as throwing stuff into the washer. It would be quick and easy so why not do it now rather than this weekend.

Turned out the amount of laundry will take about three loads…

I am now mentally calculating how much time it would take for me to clean up downstairs, put the clean dishes away (thanks to my trusted babysitter who comes every day after school), and do the dishes. I would like to get to bed at a reasonable hour, well, as reasonable as it could be considering it is now 1:50 am. I have to catch the 7:20 am train tomorrow to be in the office for a 9 am meeting with Da Boss.

So… why do I feel compelled to clean up the house NOW?

Why do I feel I would be a failure if I leave a messy house behind and go off to work tomorrow morning?

Why do  I feel so guilty about traveling for work, and now that I am home, about not being here to maintain the household?

 

I cannot form a cohesive thought right now so I am going to quote some passages from this article, The Bad Mother Complex that I came across around Mother’s Day. I have been thinking about it a lot, actually, ever since I became a mother.

The guilt had nothing to do with women’s actual ability to navigate competing obligations at work and at home; on the contrary, the study found that logistically, women were able to juggle the two spheres just as well as men. It’s how women felt about themselves while doing that juggling that set them apart.

Blair-Loy’s research centers around a concept she calls the work devotion schema — a kind of invisible, coercive mandate that permeates culture and requires us to see our work as a sacred calling, with meaning and value beyond just a paycheck… … it can trigger the uniquely moral emotion of guilt when family demands butt up against work allegiance.

The problem with the work devotion schema, Blair-Loy says, is this: While men and women both experience it, only women experience its mirror image at home. Blair-Loy calls it the family devotion schema; gender studies scholar Sharon Hays has termed it the ideology of intensive motherhood. Either way, it sets up a collision course of competing devotions for working women.

“Just like our culture has constructed work to have certain meanings and obligations, it has also constructed motherhood to have certain meanings and obligations,” says Blair-Loy. “Mothers who work full time are still trying to live up to this ideal of family devotion; they just have fewer hours to do it in…”    From The Bad Mother Complex

 

The guilt I feel as a working mother does not subside as the kids get older. In fact, it gets worse: now that they are old enough to notice the other mothers and how the other families live, esp. those presented on TV and in the movies.

Mr. Monk often demands requests that I make him food from scratch. It is not good enough if we make pancakes from the box of powder. It has to be made according to a recipe. I don’t blame him though. I suspect that to him it is a sign that I care as a mother, wherever he gets that idea of an ideal mother from (seriously I have no idea where he got it…)  Perhaps it also serves as a reassurance that we are like every other family, just a bit different, but not too much, now that the mother, i.e. me, also makes food in the kitchen as it should be. I am the embodiment of the family. If I am normal, we are normal.

Or something like that…

When I say, “No. I am sorry honey. We cannot do that this morning because of ____________.” the look he gives me is enough to send me on a guilt trip 8000 miles away and back.

It feels almost like an indictment.

So here I am. 2:20 am.

Time to put the load of laundry into the dryer and start another load.

 

ETA: 3:30 am. House picked. Dishes put away. Laundry #2 in progress. Kind of unpacked by emptying the luggage and throwing stuff either into a laundry basket or my work bag. As I was doing all this, I also remembered something else: Why is finding a babysitter my responsibility? Because I want to work so I am the one that should solve childcare issues? Whenever there is a scheduling conflict, I am the one being pointed at to figure out a way to hold my job. You know, all because I want to work, so of course I have to pay the price. I should stop now. I am just going to sound more and more bitter.

 

27 thoughts on “Guilt is the trip”

  2. Lies

    I don’t have any advise for you on this one – don’t have the experience nor the eloquence of the people above to come up with a bright and inspiring analysis to make you feel better. So I’m just gonna smother you with hugs. Because you’re a great person, juggling too many things on her own, and you don’t deserve to feel like this. Don’t let yourself feel like this. Hugs. And butterfly kisses.
    Lies recently posted…While life was happening outside…My Profile

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  3. Beka

    I am wondering if you have perhaps, just possibly, occasionally been accused of being an overachiever? Say, oh, 1000 times or so? Laundry till 3:00 in the morning after getting home from a business trip? Wow! I always felt bad about not getting everything done, but eventually just didn’t get it all done. Some laundry would have been left unfolded on my bed. You, on the other hand, sound like you are wearing yourself out doing it all. Sounds like it’s time for a family meeting to me. Could you and your husband brainstorm some solutions? Are your kids big enough to help out with some chores? Is your husband truly unwilling, or have you just not explained the situation to him logically to him in a while (including the fact that if you quit, your family will have no medical or dental benefits)? Until recently I assumed that my husband was absolutely unwilling to pitch in with housework at all, but it turned out that I had calcified in my mind something he had said 20 years ago. We had a series of talks, and things have gotten much better. If you really are on your own, then just give yourself a break and let some of it go. It will still be fine, and your teeth will thank you for it. Serenity now!
    Beka recently posted…Working Through Mother’s DayMy Profile

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  4. Irene

    I think someone needs to teach husband the facts about LAUNDRY, DISHES, and COOKING! Why does it always have to land on you!?? If he wants fresh food, tell him Martha Stewart and Ina Garten don’t live there.

    Don’t get me started!

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  5. Miss B

    I have no real right to comment on any of this, as I am not married and have no desire to ever get married, and I don’t really like kids, have never wanted any of my own, and just got fixed so I’ll definitely never be having any. So it isn’t like I have any firsthand experiential insight here. But if I could just say…there is not a single woman with children that I know (or have ever known in any real way, in fact) who does not work full-time, or very nearly full-time. Are we ever going to get to a point as a society where we can just see that as the normal way of things? I mean, how many people have enough money from a single income to support a whole family? And how many women with kids really don’t want or need at least the interacting-with-other-adult-people-during-the-day aspect that work generally provides, even if they didn’t absolutely need a whole second income? I guess the fact that there is still obviously this societal expectation that as soon as a woman gets married and/or gets pregnant, that’s it, she turns into robo-wife/robo-mom and that’s the end of it, this just kills me and boggles my mind. Not to mention, wherefore this notion that if you _were_ at home all day and doing nothing but taking care of your children and your home — if that’s what you truly wanted to do, and you were able to make that choice and have it work for your life, logistically/financially/whatever-else-ly — you’d magically have broccolli-loving television-hating angelic drones as kids? I mean, I guess that explains how, back when a woman’s place was only at home, no kids ever ate candy or refused to eat their vegetables or got into any trouble or got grades lower than an A or ended up doing anything that didn’t make them wildly rich and successful and perfect. Except for that being total bullshit and all. This all sort of makes me want to punch people on your behalf, is what.

    (On a non-rant-y note — as for the cooking-from-boxes thing…I’m with your son. It takes no more time to make pancakes from scratch as it does from a mix, and anything from scratch is a million times better. I suggest finding him a cooking class to take, or maybe one that the two of you could take together a few times, eventually? And then he can start cooking simple things, and that will both give him a very valuable skill for later in life and also probably teach him to appreciate less-crappy food a lot more now. My mother was a horrible cook — I hated vegetables for a long time when I was a kid because I’d never had ones that weren’t horrendously over-cooked or had started as frozen. I started cooking when I was maybe 9 or 10 — soon baking cakes from scratch and everything — and that was the greatest thing. Plus, then he can make _you_ pancakes!)

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  7. Kate

    I was raised by a working, travelling mom, ate pancakes from a box, had teenage babysitters and other kids’ moms and turned out fine. I know this because I’m 35 and my parents & husband day so.

    Don’t do laundry at 1am, teach the husband to do it. If he cares about veggies, then teach him to make snck sized servings.

    Accept that you can’t do everything, certainly not alone, and know that what you do will be enough.

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    1. Absence Alternatives Post author

      Thank you so very much for this, esp. this line “know that what you do will be enough.” I do know many of these boxes I am carrying are there because I would not put them down….

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  9. jeane

    From the moment our children are born, we live with guilt…am I showing enough love, teaching the correct things, making them strong, healthy…oh, the list goes on. Add to that the guilt of wanting things that are your own–career, friends, even head space–and we begin beating the hell out of ourselves. But we shouldn’t…you are teaching your children how to attain their own goals, desires and needs. That is a gift…even if it is banging your heart.
    Your husband, since so inclined to dietary issues, should perhaps make pancakes from scratch…a steam a veggie or two. Marriage is a partnership…children even more so.
    You are in my thoughts and I am wishing you a weekend of balance and love.
    jeane recently posted…The Best Escape- LaughterMy Profile

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  10. Justine

    Oh honey, how I know this feeling. Although even then I doubt I’ll be doing the laundry in the middle of the night. 🙂

    But I live and breathe guilt day in and out. Now that I’m working from home for a couple of weeks prior to labor, I feel a little better not being away from home from my family 10 hours a day but if only I can sustain this lifestyle and my family. That’s my wish anyway.

    Don’t be too hard on yourself. You are already more amazing than you know. Truly.
    Justine recently posted…I can do thisMy Profile

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  12. TechnoBabe

    That is a personal aversion for me. Why in the world do some of us hold this kind of responsibility so close and tie it into our value even sometimes? Minutes count, hours count, our life counts; not cleaning house or washing clothes. My wish for you would be that you could relax the hold on the work and next time get in some snuggle and relaxing time and some sleep. Just my wish for you.
    TechnoBabe recently posted…Snap!My Profile

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  13. BigLittleWolf

    And one more thing – please read the link under “website” (it’s to a specific post, and some related posts).

    When women carry so much load – and we do – frequently (including without the insurance safety net that other countries seem to provide), we are painfully aware of every dollar, and every possible catastrophe (health, for example) that could take us down. That’s a huge burden on top of the already enormous (and enormously tiring) job of parenting.

    Feel the anger, the irritation, the frustration – because you’ve earned it and it’s real and to pretend that you don’t feel it may jive nicely with our “happy face-feel present” culture, and what you think the other moms are living / feeling, but I think our mask of domestic bliss is – for many – exactly that. Mask.

    Parenting is hard. Marriage is hard. Working – for insufficient pay or without any benefits, and in an economy when you have no idea how much longer that work will last – it’s brutally stressful.

    But I will also say that divorce sucks – beyond anything you can imagine. For a fortunate few (I’m speaking anecdotally), they manage to patch together a life again. The effects on their kids? To be determined.

    For many of us – if we dared to speak our minds – appropriately – to our spouses, possibly we might arrive at a better division of labor. And labor it is. But it’s not easy.

    I’ll stop. (Promise.) I wish you some sleep if possible, green veggies eaten voluntarily, and know that there are plenty of moms out there – behind the smiles – with the same worries, and then some. You’re not alone.
    BigLittleWolf recently posted…Romance Racetrack- Time or TimingMy Profile

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  14. Nicole Welkener

    The ropes pull at both ends for working mothers. And what about that term “working mother”? Why does it have to be that way? We don’t call fathers “working fathers”. Why can’t a mother just be a mother who works just like a father? It’s a social stigma that is, sadly, not helping anyone. If I had a daughter, I’d want her to know that this is just how life is. We work. We work because we like it and it gives us something to strive for and succeed in. And with my son, he will not be the man that looks down upon a woman who works. Well, look here, you’ve got me all worked up too! haha. I get you girl. I do.
    Nicole Welkener recently posted…WIP sneak peek 1My Profile

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  15. BigLittleWolf

    I do remember those days of working the corporate life, occasional travel, two little kids, and a husband (when he wasn’t on the road). He traveled for work all the time, came home and went about his usual business of socializing or whatever. Relaxed easily one home.

    When I would come home form the office, it was all about the home job of him, kids, house, community. So your quote captures the dichotomy perfectly, at least in what I lived – that seem work devotion mirrored as soon as you set foot at home.

    We (women) have to stop carrying so many burdens on our shoulders. It’s detrimental to us, to our kids, to our marriages (though the men may not realize it in the short-term), and the employment environments we take so for granted need to be more flexible to allow both men and women to share family time and responsibilities.

    Otherwise, bit by bit, we lose pieces of self, of couplehood, of family, or we are pressing so hard to “do it all” and “feel it all” that we finish by having much less than we would if we made some touch choices or faced that we have to let go of something – or the expectation of a superior performance at our everything, in order to have good performance where it counts.

    Yes, fatigue wears you down. But guilt is the hidden frosting on the cake.

    Scrape it off.
    BigLittleWolf recently posted…Romance Racetrack- Time or TimingMy Profile

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    1. Absence Alternatives Post author

      BLW, I always appreciate your well-thought-out comments, and this one made me cry. Thank you so much for taking the time out to write these encouraging and wise words. “But guilt is the hidden frosting on the cake. Scrape it off.” I love this. Thank you.

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  16. Absence Alternatives Post author

    Look at me. Commenting on my own post so I can get it all out!

    One day The Husband decided to focus on the kids’ nutritional intake (i.e. green vegetables, or the lack of them) and time spent after school. He gave me an ultimatum, “Either Miss A starts feeding the kids more green vegetables or making sure they don’t watch crap on TV or YOU have to find someone else.” I was speechless. I bit my tongue. Then I felt like laughing in his face. He probably had no idea how ridiculous that was.

    Yes. Let me fire the babysitter and I will stay home. Because it will only impact me and me alone.

    Oh by the way, health insurance for our family? Gone. Dental insurance? Gone. Vision insurance? Gone.

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    1. Constance

      You are exhausted. And no wonder. I’ve got no advice, only good thoughts that you’ll find a way to care for yourself, starting with getting some rest (which is not easy when the “family devotion schema” is hounding you, I realize). Here. Virtual hugs.

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