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I am letting it all out today.
What you are looking at is my butt. Well, half of my butt: I had to crop the top of my butt off so you cannot see my muffin top. Ok, so technically, I am not really letting it all out today. Just half out.
I took these pictures when I went to a Warehouse Sale for 7 for All Mankind. Because it meant the potential of buying jeans that did not have any stretch capability in them and allowed my muffin top to hang over the low-rise top like an over-risen bread dough for a whopping… WAIT FOR IT… 20 to 30% off, I proceeded to get jiggy with it, struggle wiggle out of my clothes, and strip nekkid right inside the Union Station. Only to notice later that there was a camera pointing right at the makeshift dressing area.
.
.
Did I scream and run away when I noticed the security camera? Nah. First of all, I took a picture of it. (Of course!) Then I felt sorry for whoever had to sit there and watch. Besides just at that moment, I noticed that my butt looked different in the two types of mirror they had there (as you could see for yourself): my problem area, as many of the diet programs would call it, looked decidedly less wide in one mirror than in the other. I was very excited about my discovery: My own magic mirror! I stared at my own butt, the one on the left, with appreciation. I committed it to the memory vault for future emergency use.
No. I did not buy the mirror on the left. I tried but they wouldn’t let me. The guy just looked at me like I was crazy.
What? Oh. Duh. Of course the one on the left is my real butt. That’s my story and I am sticking to it.
.
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Like all of you here, I am obsessed fascinated with and intrigued by Search Terms.
Compared to some of the search terms that led people to the other blogs out there, Yes you know who you are, the ones that led people here are lame.
“Tiger balm in ass”. Funny but not jaw-dropping eye-popping funny. I don’t even want to know why people searched for that. OUCH.
I am also worried that people may actually be disappointed when they come to a page on my blog and realize that it is NOT what they have in mind, for example, when they typed in “Wedding Invitation” and they saw THIS.
Anyway, I have been noticing a trickle of people searching for “People of Walmart” AND “Muffin Top Belly” and landing on an old post of mine written when I first discovered People of Walmart with uber excitement.
It showed up again today.
Muffin tops.
Yeah. I have a big one of those myself. I KNOW that me getting rid of my muffin top would be one of the Top 10 Wishes on my husband’s wishlist. I don’t understand. I see my muffin top as a safe guard for our marriage. There is NO way I would want another person in this world to see my muffin top. So there goes the risk of me having an affair. Just sayin.
Food for thought.
You are welcome.
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p.s. For more exciting key words that REAL people ACTUALLY used for their Internet searches and frankly, that make you worry about humanity, Elly over at BugginWord does a weekly column on Search Terms that led to her site (I like calling these things “Weekly Columns”, it makes us all sound more sophisticated, with our cardigans and fountain pens and stuff…)
I’m thinking … “Sisterhood of the Traveling Mirror.”
Steal it. For the greater good.
alonewithcats recently posted…Logically speaking- I thought for sure I’d be Elton John’s emergency womb
I could start an Internet business selling Magic mirrors!
At least that’s a cute name for whatever this thing is that’s hanging over my jeans… it could be a lot worse, you know. Just saying.
Thank you for your sweet words over at Becky’s on my interview. xoxo
Buckeroomama recently posted…Blame It on Magic
You are absolutely right! Grease lard sounds so much worse! LOL
Uhm, before you smack a cease and desist order on my ass (yes, pun intended), please let me say that it’s ENTIRELY and EERILY coincidental that I also published a post a) about my butt and b) ended it with a “you’re welcome”. Our wires must have crossed or something but it’s a little scary how similar (but not) our posts are, except yours was published way before mine so it looks like plagiarism on my part. For what it’s worth, yours is WAY funnier, and there’s no way I can pull off sounding even half as Lin-like as you. Naturally.
Justine recently posted…My mid-pregnancy crisis aka The Butt Post
You are so silly! I would have never been so crazy to think that. When I saw your post I was like, “ZING! Great minds! Yeah!” And I chuckled at “You are welcome” all the time no matter where I saw it. Just funny to me.
Am I the only woman who thinks of great baked goods recipes when someone says muffin top???
As for those magic mirrors, a couple of years ago I was in a department store where I specifically asked someone about the mirror (it was clearly a skinny-ifying mirror). He admitted that – yep – that’s what they did, to encourage women to think they looked better and therefore, buy. But hey, we knew that, right? (And we sort of like those mirrors, don’t we?)
BigLittleWolf recently posted…Give Marital Advice Who – ME
Do you remember the Seinfeld episode?!
I am just surprised that not ALL stores use magic mirrors. You’re right: it’s a no-brainer.
Wait, is this the TORONTO Union Station that I was just at?
With a jeans clearance?
I tried sticking my ass in many overpriced pairs at the Bay because it was 50% off, then 30% off. You know what that means (only the ugly ones left).
Am I missing out on other Ontario bloggers here?
And your ass looks fiiiiiiiiine. Left or right mirror.
StephanieC | Seriously? Really?? Seriously? recently posted…Rockband Chin Electrocution – Part FCK That Hurt
Thank you for the kind words. It was at the Union Station in Chicago. So you are in Canada as in you are Canadian? No wonder I instantly like you. LOL
Awww, shucks. *blushes*.
I guess most old “Union Stations” look the same.
StephanieC | Seriously? Really?? Seriously? recently posted…Girl on Girl
I agree… Who cares when your butt looks good, right!?
Ps. My cardigan is argile… Yours?
Mine has shell buttons!
Sometimes I am twice as happy not to be female. You guys kill me.
Jack recently posted…It Was My Favorite Toy
But you are married to one and you have a daughter so… yeah, I know, as future role models for the future generation we really should be doing a much better job…
In some sense, we are letting our anxiety out here online away from children’s prying eyes so we can be a better role model in real life…
Thank you for your kind comment on the post about my mom. It means more than you know.
-Em
http://www.16ballsintheair.com
You are very welcome. That was a very moving tribute to your mother.
That’s it! I should show my butt more!
I know I’ve used this line before, but Me Love You Long Time with my “son bearing hip” (as appraised by two grandmothers with much appreciation and approval).
That discount is someone’s idea of a joke, right, but your butt looks good in them.
linlah recently posted…we eat heart healthy
I know. It’s ridiculous. But those jeans are so expensive at regular price and they never seem to go on sale so people are excited for any discount!
Excuse me? Why were we not stripping down naked together in Union Station?
This could have turned into a Train Station free for all culminating in some sort of naked mud wrestling cage match where the victor get the jeans.
And all I have to say is my mighty muffin top keeps me warm and safe during the winter months and if I need to squeeze into anything my spanx have full and total control of it:)
dufmanno recently posted…Just A Quick Update…
My muffin top also keeps me company by singing duets with me.
Girl, I would kill for your ass! Seriously! Pick someone and then hand over that adorable, tight little thing! Just make sure there’s no running involved. Unless I’m the one you want me to kill, in which case running is exactly the way to go! But don’t try to stiff me just because I’m dead! If people aren’t hanging over my cofffin crying at the beauty of your ass (I’ll be face down, of course) then count me out!
SisterMerryHellish recently posted…Compliments Will Get You Seconds
Your post title says everything: “Compliments will get you seconds” meaning FINE you can have both of my asses.
Your butt looks hot in both mirrors!
My most popular search terms haven’t changed in almost a year: Carson City Brothels, Facebook 12 Steps. I’m getting randy males with sex and Facebook addictions.
My muffin top is my assurance of continued single-dom. Now if only I could get one of the above guys to call me.
Kernut the Blond recently posted…Ten Things You Probably Don’t Realize About Being Off Work
Just tell them that “Of course I have NEVER been to a sex toy shop!” then they will be all over you. 🙂
You are HAWT, so, I am pretty sure some guy has video security tapes stashed at his home for personal use. Congrats!
How does that one sit with you? Creepy, right? It’s disgusting and illegal and potentially true.
More importantly, you rock the 7 for All Mankind jeans. (of course, that isn’t more important, but sometimes shallow is the better option) I have 2 pairs and I love them. You and your perfect sized ass look fantastic in them.
Search terms reveal psychoses of a far more disturbing nature than I can comprehend on a day off. Sorry.
Wedding invitation needs to be filed, we may need it for reference someday. 😉
Wicked Shawn recently posted…Hellz Bellz- I’m a Year Old!
I am going to be the worst kind of MIL one day, I know it already!
That would be a boring job watching screens of hidden cameras, even not so hidden cameras.
I guess your purse wasn’t large enough to carry the mirror out with you.
TechnoBabe recently posted…Is Sleep Writing Like Sleep Walking
I thought about walking out with it. I really did.
I wrote a blog once about the sign in Macy’s that revealed that there are cameras in the dressing rooms. Ew. I can’t imagine who has that job. Plus, I can barely try on clothes anywhere now. And I don’t talk to myself AT ALL in there.
Diane Laney Fitzpatrick recently posted…Adopt a Dog-Baby-Word-Whatever
They actually had a sign warning people? I am surprised they haven’t got sued.
I am confused, for several reasons. First of all…both of those pictures look the same to me. Second, I do not see anything in either of them that could even remotely be described as a “problem area”. Third, what the fuck does that even mean? Can we stop villifying our bodies, please? Sure, maybe there are things we aren’t as fond of as others…but can we not make those things evil in an of themselves? Please?
In conclusion, you are a hot piece of ass (allow me to objectify you for a moment, won’t you?) and you need to stop with the ick-talk. The end.
Objectify away, Miss B. Objectify away. 🙂
Putting a camera above a make shift dressing area seems like a pretty sleazy way to make a buck… but a weirdly great way to spend an afternoon.
I hope the security guard/pervert that was watching you thought “touche” when you took your photo and decided, right then and there, to love you forever.
Posky recently posted…Reverie in Action- Failed Attempts at Running Away
Awwww thank you.
THAT’s a compliment right? And not to wish me getting stalked and then murdered by a serial killer, right?!
FYI- your butt is so hot in BOTH pics that I think I may have just conceived our virtual love child. Just saying, ( also can you imagine the hang ups that kid would have with both our DNA?)
Now I have to go eat real Lindt White Choclate Truffles because our baby wants them.
ThePittsofBeingPeachy recently posted…I thought of you
You crack me up. I heart you.
I have installed the fun house mirrors that make me 5’8 ( previous height in my hooker heels glory days), tall and thin, sure my face looks like Frankenstien in those but hey, it’s a small small price to pay to be tall and sleek ( since I am actually like 5’s and as sleep as a flipping volley ball).
Unfortunately during bathing suit season all the stores install the short fat mirrors so I never buy a new suit. I say it’s just poor marketing on their part.
Exactly! Why didn’t they figure out that’s the way to increase sales by hundreds of times?!
Women are supposed to be a little squishy.
I can’t believe they are even allowed to have a security camera that looks into the dressing room.
secret agent woman recently posted…Deconstructing Christmas
The security camera has been there in the train station lobby long before they set up a dressing room right in the center of it. LOL
Ah, the wonder of the magic mirror! The last hotel I stayed in had skinny mirrors, and I gazed at my thighs for hours. If I had skinny mirrors at home, my ego would grow by at least 73%. So maybe it’s better I have the fat mirrors to keep me in check. Sigh.
I think we should all join in on a serious effort to make muffin tops sexy. We’re bloggers. We can influence the media, right??
Andrea recently posted…Pennies from Heaven
Yes we can! We should start a movement with Post-It: leaving post-it notes all over that say, “Embrace your muffin top” or “Muffin tops are for lovers” or “Real men love muffin tops”
The difference in our search terms just means you have a higher class of reader than I do. Unless you count Patty. 🙂
Elly Lou recently posted…Carrie Pilby
i think i counted writing “such and such can go fuck themselves” on at least three blogs today. i blame it on the snow. and sarah palin, obvs.
pattypunker recently posted…diets are dumb
Hey, I ADORE your blog. What are you trying to say???!!!
pps: 7 for all mankind can go fuck themselves. who can fit in that shit? waifs and meth heads. that’s it.
pattypunker recently posted…diets are dumb
SubWow, she called you a waif! It’s like Christmas came early! Woot!
Elly Lou recently posted…Carrie Pilby
I know! I can now finally be a MILF. Yeah! My life-long dream!
LOL
woooooot! you are bootylicious. with super leggy legs that don’t stop. and don’t promise your husband there won’t be any affairs because all this talk about your muffin makes me want to seduce you.
ps: thanks for the pingback, shuga.
pattypunker recently posted…diets are dumb
Any time, Unicorn Humper! 😉
Me and my muffin top are here. Seduce away!
I love you for a lot of things but I really love you for taking a picture of the security camera. I just wish we could see the reaction of the person watching the tapes of the video camera as you snapped your pic!
Jane recently posted…When You Bleep Out The Uckin And We Can Still Hear The F and The G You’re Not Foolin’ Anyone
There is something wrong with me, ain’t it? 😉