Tag Archives: walmart

I’ll take the one on the left to go

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I am letting it all out today.

What you are looking at is my butt. Well, half of my butt: I had to crop the top of my butt off so you cannot see my muffin top. Ok, so technically, I am not really letting it all out today. Just half out.

I took these pictures when I went to a Warehouse Sale for 7 for All Mankind. Because it meant the potential of buying jeans that did not have any stretch capability in them and allowed my muffin top to hang over the low-rise top like an over-risen bread dough for a whopping… WAIT FOR IT… 20 to 30% off, I proceeded to get jiggy with it, struggle wiggle out of my clothes, and strip nekkid right inside the Union Station. Only to notice later that there was a camera pointing right at the makeshift dressing area.

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Did I scream and run away when I noticed the security camera? Nah. First of all, I took a picture of it. (Of course!) Then I felt sorry for whoever had to sit there and watch. Besides just at that moment, I noticed that my butt looked different in the two types of mirror they had there (as you could see for yourself): my problem area, as many of the diet programs would call it, looked decidedly less wide in one mirror than in the other. I was very excited about my discovery: My own magic mirror! I stared at my own butt, the one on the left, with appreciation. I committed it to the memory vault for future emergency use.

No. I did not buy the mirror on the left. I tried but they wouldn’t let me. The guy just looked at me like I was crazy.

What? Oh. Duh. Of course the one on the left is my real butt. That’s my story and I am sticking to it.

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Like all of you here, I am obsessed fascinated with and intrigued by Search Terms.

Compared to some of the search terms that led people to the other blogs out there, Yes you know who you are, the ones that led people here are lame.

“Tiger balm in ass”. Funny but not jaw-dropping eye-popping funny. I don’t even want to know why people searched for that. OUCH.

I am also worried that people may actually be disappointed when they come to a page on my blog and realize that it is NOT what they have in mind, for example, when they typed in “Wedding Invitation” and they saw THIS.

Anyway, I have been noticing a trickle of people searching for “People of Walmart” AND “Muffin Top Belly” and landing on an old post of mine written when I first discovered People of Walmart with uber excitement.

It showed up again today.

Muffin tops.

Yeah. I have a big one of those myself. I KNOW that me getting rid of my muffin top would be one of the Top 10 Wishes on my husband’s wishlist. I don’t understand. I see my muffin top as a safe guard for our marriage. There is NO way I would want another person in this world to see my muffin top. So there goes the risk of me having an affair. Just sayin.

Food for thought.

You are welcome.

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p.s. For more exciting key words that REAL people ACTUALLY used for their Internet searches and frankly, that make you worry about humanity, Elly over at BugginWord does a weekly column on Search Terms that led to her site (I like calling these things “Weekly Columns”, it makes us all sound more sophisticated, with our cardigans and fountain pens and stuff…)

Step 1. I went to Walmart for my Bacon-Flavored Vodka Experiment…

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To recap, I decided to follow the recipe for Bacon-flavored vodka…

Why? Because I love Bacon. And I love Vodka. So it seems like a no-brainer…

I went to Walmart to gather my supply. Why Walmart when we know they are evil? Because Walmart was the only place where I recall for having ever seen mason jars being sold.  I was lucky I even knew what mason jars are considering how I am basically illiterate in the cooking & food prep jargon department.  I didn’t even know what Blanch means until recently.

Hint: It is not the name of Vivien Leigh’s character in A Streetcar Named Desire… Seriously.

Besides,  ever since I knew the existence of peopleofwalmart.com, I couldn’t wait to go back and see for myself.

Eh. Yeah. Way too many people wearing Zubaz pants still. I didn’t take any photos though. It is actually kind of difficult to do that surreptitiously! So my hat’s off to all the brave souls who have submitted photos to People of Walmart. I was worried that I might get punched by the woman with wiry blond hair that looked like she just touched a plasma globe to dare.

Also, knowing that this website exists makes me extremely self-conscious at Walmart.

Is it just me?  I mean, I am absolutely paranoid now. I actually dressed up to go to fucking Walmart! I made sure I wear my control-top so my tummy didn’t flop out.  I even put on full make-up so I didn’t look like someone who’s on meth. I also combed my hair.

But the friggin’ kids did not cooperate at all.  Within 10 minutes after we got into the store, I was hissing loudly:

“Stop touching your brother with the umbrella or I will stick it in your…”

“I don’t care if he is friggin’ sitting on YOUR pizza rolls.  They are frozen! They are hard like rocks!”

“What do you mean you won’t eat them? Listen here, buddy.  If I buy them for you, you are going to eat them, you hear me? Otherwise I am going to rip you a new one…”

“I don’t friggin’ care if he’s putting the shrimps on top of his feet.  You don’t even eat shrimps. What do you care?”

“OK.  Both of you.  Stop doing that! You are going to get IT when we get home!”

(No. I don’t know what IT is. I never do.)

The best part is?  When we finally got out of the store, I looked at the dusty passenger window of a monster truck and saw myself all disheveled.  So much for combing my hair.  I also had the look of someone who was willing and ready to commit manslaughter.  I won’t be surprised if we get on People of Walmart, or even YouTube.

The shopping part was not really a success either – I was able to only cross two items off of my list:

  1. Cheap vodka
  2. Bacon
  3. Mason jar
  4. Tarp
  5. Waders
  6. Safety goggles

This Walmart seemed to have recently revamped itself to focus on the frozen food section.  It does not seem to carry items that a manly man will need on a daily basis, such as tarp, fishing waders, and safety goggles.  So I was rather disappointed.  Truth be told, I was rather happy to save the money: I just could NOT go with the Number 1 item on my list: Cheap Vodka…

What if the experiment turns out to be a failure because I use CHEAP vodka? Huh?

I kept on asking myself this ever since I read the recipe.  So here is what I got from Walmart for the Bacon-flavored Vodka experiment:

Mason jars & bason

I was pissed I had to get 12 mason jars at once.  TWELVE!  So you all can now expect to get pickled plum from me for Christmas…

Ok, not really.  I guess if the first batch turns out to be a success, I will be glad that I have extras lying around the house.

I wonder whether the teachers will be happy to receive home-made Bacon-flavored vodka this Christmas instead of Bath and Body Works lotions?

p.s. I am not sure whether you can see the gigantic mixing batter bowl with lid on the side of the picture? Anyway, that was a total impulse buy. The idea of having a mixing bowl with a lid so you can have home-made pancakes on demand appealed to me at the moment when I saw it.  But after I got home and opened the fridge I saw this:

sprayed on pancake batter

WTF? Oh. I’d completely forgot I had gotten this the other day!  I also remembered how I had made the kids pancakes “from scratch” by mixing Hungry Jack with water and they had both refused to eat them and I had vowed to never make them anything “from scratch” again…

But I felt better when I found an immediate use for the new mixing bowl that will probably never experience the sensation of batter lolling around inside it…

What do you mean I need to wash the mason jars first?

Yeah…  Apparently you need to wash and dry the mason jars in “hot soapy water” before you can use them.  WTF?

First of all, I am going to add vodka to it. It looks like water.  So I am not even going to bother with drying them.

And can I just please ask this question that’s been bothering me for a long time…

Why do the instructions always demand “HOT” water?

Seriously.

How hot does the water have to get to be able to kill the germs? Won’t that water melt your hands together? If the “hot water” is for killing the germs, then why can’t we use “just water”? What is the point?!

Don’t get too excited because I washed three of the dozen mason jars.  I had started out being quite ambitious.  But later reason kicked in: I realized that one of these suckers is going to take almost HALF bottle of my GOOD Vodka.

I mean, really good Vodka.

Stay tuned.