A couple of guys were giving out rims of paper at a street corner this morning when I was inching my way to the office. I was mildly puzzled: Really? What made some paper company think it’s a good promotional ploy to give away a whole pack of printing paper? And why would I want to be carrying around something this heavy?
Well… I am very happy to stand corrected.
You can say that I have given up on attracting more male readers… Since I am of the Drastic Measure type of bitches: It is All or Nothing to me, I have decided to actively repel men*, esp. the straight kind. Let’s go all the way, baby!
This is a real book.
The Cambridge Women’s Pornography Cooperative asked women, young, old, rich, and poor, “What really, really gets you hot?” Armed with their findings, they worked day and night to create Porn for Women.
(Granted, the book should have been more accurately titled “Porn for Straight Women”… And some of the things attributed to the men/actors are plainly condescending, if not insulting, to women IMO, such as “Ooh Look! The NFL Playoffs are today. I bet we’ll have no trouble parking at the craft’s fair.”… At any rate, I hope you all get the chuckle or drool out of these…)
Some choice pornographic photos from the book:
I found the following on Flickr:
(This one, to me, is more about fairness: Yup. If you make the mess, you clean up the mess. IMO, most men that claim they love to cook do not have to clean up the pots and pans afterwards. If they had to clean up afterwards, they would not have used three pots to cook one dish!)
As Liz Lemon would say:
I want to go to there.
* I understand that this is an affectatious** statement: by claiming that I am actively repelling men, I am implying that otherwise they would have visited this blog in drones. It’s like I prefer to think to myself that people dislike me because 1) they are racists, 2) they hate my gut. The truth is, I am deeply aware of this, they probably simply dislike me because they dislike me.
** The use of the word “affectatious” is itself ironically affectatious.***
*** The fact that I pointed the above out is an act of affectation.
**** And so on, and so forth.
***** I don’t really worry about the fact that I have few male readers. In order to prove myself to you, I will talk about menstrual cycles next.
****** Why is “MEN” in the word “MENstrual”?
******* Come to think of it, I think Elly has beat me to it [i.e. talking about menstrual cycles] with this video she posted on her blog called “Her First Period”.
******** I really should turn my footnotes into a separate blog post. And I am writing my footnotes before I write the post proper, and am having more fun doing this.
******** Do people even read these footnotes?
When I was pregnant with my number two child, Mr. Monk, I suffered Deep Vein Thrombosis (aka blood clot) : my entire left leg was swollen before I realized it was not a muscle strain that’s been causing me excruciating pain, but rather something that could be life-threatening. My Obgyn immediately sent me to the emergency room – yes I drove myself (but I was not having a heart attack so I was not as crazy as this other gal I know…) and they put a filter into my aorta so no broken pieces of the Titanic-sized blood clot would get into my heart and stuff.
It only happened because the stars were lined up just so. A perfect storm so to speak.
Turned out I have a genetic disorder #$^%@%* that makes it easier for blood clot to form if my body has extremely low level of folic acid.
The amount in prenatal vitamins would have been more than adequate to prevent that.
By then I had been throwing up for about four months so no, I was not absorbing my prenatal vitamins properly, and I was severely undernourished, sustaining mostly on Gatorade. (Btw, I bet severe “morning sickness” would have been qualified for disability IF men could get pregnant…)
Your blood turns thicker when you are pregnant due to female hormones.
I was also extremely dehydrated which did not help with the blood thinning department.
Long story short: everything worked perfectly and BOOM! I had DVT, blah blah blah.
Why am I telling you this now? Because once again, the stars have aligned perfectly:
New job (my company was acquired)
+ New office
+ Two computers to deal with
+ Two systems
+ Two business processes
+ Two to-do lists
+ Longer commute (including my “I am on a fucking boat” moments, yes, I realized that)
+ Longer hours expected
+ Same kids
+ Same husband
= STRESS
STRESS = TEETH CLENCHING (which I did not realize I do all the time until now) = Massive and Rapid Bone Loss in My Teeth = Oral surgery to be expected
It is not like I have been having nightmares about losing all my teeth since I was young…
Head. Meet desk.
Hello, more stress. Nice to see you show up with more of your friends. Just come on in. Move right in. Mi case su casa.
So here is what I have… I found this blogger who has quite a few cartoons with cultural/social media commentary that make me:
OMG. ROTFL. DNPMPL. ITA. FML. IYKWIMAITYD.
Mr. Dave Walker actually encourages bloggers to embed his cartoons on their blogs. He has been doing this since 2005 and is probably one of the first people online to understand the concept of Sharing is loving...
So I am sharing this because Dear Internet, I love you, and I miss you, but I really need to prioritize the many things on my plate and focus especially on the ones that will help ensure I continue to have good dental insurance…
I am taking cover and waiting for the storm to be over.
Source: Cartoons by Dave Walker. Find more cartoons you can freely re-use on your blog at We Blog Cartoons.
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I will never ever be able to fold a fitted sheet perfectly no matter how much time I spend on it. Fitted sheet, consider yourself folded.
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Checking my email is never going to be “QUICK”. I will always spend more than “Just one minute” when I log in my email account. I will be tempted to click on the links in the emails and it will always take longer than I think to read and comment on a blog post. And when you forget about your child’s lunch, he will hunt you down and demand lunch, but in a nice way that actually makes you feel even shittier.
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Corporate brand image does not necessarily mean Caution and Stodgy and Prim&Proper. “Inappropriate” innuendos are allowed in official press release; sometimes it makes it a WIN.
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"Clipart - Housewife Washing Up at the Sink Whilst a Man Sits in an Armchair Reading a Newspaper"
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My husband has blue hair!
Many of us have seen Chris Rock’s standup routine on gun control, or as he called it “Bullet Control”, either on YouTube or in the movie Bowling for Columbine.
In the wake of the shooting in Arizona, there is a heated discussion surrounding the fact that 1) the gunman fired off a large capacity magazine with 30 bullets within seconds and ended up killing 6 people and wounding 14 (He was subdued when he paused to reload), and 2) the federal law that would have banned assault weapons and gun magazines that can hold more than 10 bullets expired in 2004 because the congress failed to renew it.
It just seems so poignant right now. From the mouth of a comedian.
(The transcript of Chris Rock’s routine is after the jump in case you cannot watch the video because 1) your phone sucks like mine, 2) you are being productive)
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And everybody’s talking about gun control. “Got to get rid of the guns.”
Fuck that. l like guns.
You got a gun, you don’t have to work out.
l ain’t working out. l ain’t jogging. You got pecs, l got Tecs.
Fuck that shit.
You don’t need no gun control.
You know what you need? We need some bullet control.
Man, we need to control the bullets, that’s right.
l think all bullets should cost 5000 dollars.
5000 dollars for a bullet. You know why?
‘Cause if a bullet costs 5000 dollars, there’d be no more innocent bystanders.
That’d be it.
Every time somebody gets shot, people will be like,
“Damn, he must have did something.”
“Shit, they put 50,000 dollars worth of bullets in his ass.”
And people would think before they killed somebody, if a bullet cost 5000 dollars.
“Man, l would blow your fucking head off, if l could afford it.”
“l’m gonna get me another job, l’m gonna start saving some money… and you’re a dead man.”
“You better hope l can’t get no bullets on layaway.”
So even if you get shot by a stray bullet, you won’t have to go to no doctor to get it taken out: whoever shot you would take their bullet back.
“l believe you got my property?!”
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I have not been able to focus and write anything since December 30 because on our flight back home, my husband asked me WHEN and WHY I became so politically aware and belligerent, bordering on snobbish. I was caught off guard and tongue-tied. Lots of soul searching on my part since then and panicking.
I became pretty despondent about our future because if I cannot talk about politics and religion even with my spouse…
I EVEN pondered the possibility of me learning to like watching sports and us becoming a family that watches football on the weekend, for about 5 seconds. *shudder*
Once again, this goes to prove why and how blogging is only good for my sanity and marriage.
UNTIL on the morning of January 1st, as I was brushing my teeth, husband sauntered in with a big smile on his face while holding the mini book light I got in my Christmas stocking.
“I saw this lying around on your night stand and I was horrified at first. ‘I can’t believe she just left this thing lying around where the kids can see!'” He chuckled.
I burst out laughing as the mental image of a side-by-side comparison popped up like a light bulb.
“You should take a picture of THIS and blog about it.”
So I did.
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Thou doth protest too much...
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NOT a book light
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We-Vibe. A sexy, fun couple’s toy from the generous Sandy, aka Ms. June/Lady Godiva, over at Toy With Me. And yes, you’ll probably need to read the review to figure out how this thing is supposed to be positioned… Harrumph.
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"Dont cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?"
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Ah Jimmy Kimmel. My favorite Late Night Show host. (Sorry darling Wicked Shawn. I know you have the super hots for the other Jimmy. Although it pangs me to disagree with you, I believe that THIS Jimmy is so much funnier as a talk show host… Well, now we won’t fight and each have our own Jimmy to jimmy with… )
My Jimmy decided to take on Facebook, the giant that just became a behemoth now that Facebook is offering a form of uber-email @Facebook.com that aims to keep all our young hooked on Facebook and never have any reason to go anywhere else. The thing with Facebook is that You and I and Jimmy are not Mark Zuckerberg’s target audience: he went straight to talk to high school students when they were designing Facebook email. This is where social media is like shopping on Rodeo Drive:
If you have to ask WHY, it is not meant for you.
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Jimmy Kimmel is trying to save Friendship (as we know it) by urging folks to unfriend friends that are not really friends on their Facebook. He calls today, November 17, the National UnFriend Day, aka NUD.
NUD is the international day when all Facebook users shall protect the sacred nature of friendship by cutting out any ‘friend fat’ on their pages occupied by people who are not truly their friends.
[And more importantly] Without guilt or retribution.
In one of his tongue-in-cheek skit, Jimmy suggested this method to see who one’s real friends are: “Update your Facebook status to say, ‘I am moving this Friday and I need movers”; those who that show up are your real friends.”
The fact that I am undercover as far as this blog is concerned, that I have two Facebook accounts and I update one account a lot more often and with more candor, that I maintain two Twitter accounts and I clearly identity with the one where I am not using my real name, points to the other fact that I have a very different definition and interpretation of “friends” from what Jimmy is based on for his new holiday.
Nevertheless, hilarity (has) ensued and I have been enjoying the comedic aspect of it.
From William Shatner (of course!), Danny McBride, Dr. Oz, Lisa Kudrow (“I know friends. I used to be one.”), Wolf Blitzer,
And there is some truth to what Jimmy presented in one of his fake tirades:
All men were not created equal. Some of them are very annoying!
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The most brilliant, most awesome thing, up until now, that came out of this fake NUD holdiday is the holiday theme song by WAR, called, you guessed it, “Why can’t we UNfriend?”
httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6vl-kYbgCsI
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This is today.
I wish I were there. But I am here at home, trying to restore my own sanity, in a very personal, trivial way.
Some dear friends that I have the honor of getting to know were there on the Mall in D.C. witnessing history: Nancy at Mature Landscaping. Renee at Life In the Boomer Lane who actually wrote an excellent post about WHY she was going to the rally. “Dufmanno” who was there with all her family who traveled from New York, New Jersey and Maryland. I cannot wait to read their recounting of this historical day!
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While we are waiting for our blogosphere personal news reporter to take a breather and share with us their stories, here is the most basic, yet important, piece of information about Rally for Sanity that got me all excited and scream BOOYAH! to the monitor:
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According to CBS, an estimated 215,000 people attended the rally today. This means:
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Sanity won. Who knew?!
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Jon Stewart’s closing speech deserves to be quoted in full as Rolling Stone has honorably decided to do (Note: You can find a nearly comprehensive transcript of Stewart’s speech on Rolling Stone since they did not want to reduce the 10-minute speech to a mere sound bite. Or you can watch the 12-minute video here). I am however guilty as charged since by Ctrl+C & Ctrl+V I hope to be as close to awesomeness as I possibly could…
There are terrorists and racists and Stalinists and theocrats, but those are titles that must be earned. You must have the resume. Not being able to distinguish between real racists and tea partiers, or real bigots and Juan Williams and Rich Sanchez is an insult — not only to those people, but to the racists themselves, who have put forth the exhausting effort it takes to hate. Just as the inability to distinguish between terrorists and Muslims makes us less safe, not more.
The press is our immune system. If it overreacts to everything we eventually get sicker. And perhaps eczema. Yet, with that being said, I feel good. Strangely, calmly good, because the image of Americans that is reflected back to us by our political and media process is false. It is us through a funhouse mirror, and not the good kind that makes you slim and taller — but the kind where you have a giant forehead and an ass like a pumpkin and one eyeball.
[As a metaphor] These cars… Everyone of the cars that you see is filled with individuals of strong belief and principles they hold dear — often principles and beliefs in direct opposition to their fellow travelers.
And yet these millions of cars must somehow find a way to squeeze one by one into a mile-long, 30-foot wide tunnel carved underneath a mighty river…And they do it. Concession by concession. You go. Then I’ll go. You go, then I’ll go… Sure, at some point there will be a selfish jerk who zips up the shoulder and cuts in at the last minute. But that individual is rare and he is scorned, and he is not hired as an analyst.
Because we know instinctively as a people that if we are to get through the darkness and back into the light we have to work together and the truth is, there will always be darkness. And sometimes the light at the end of the tunnel isn’t the promised land. Sometimes it’s just New Jersey. But we do it anyway, together.
If you want to know why I’m here and what I want from you I can only assure you this: you have already given it to me. You’re presence was what I wanted. Sanity will always be and has always been in the eye of the beholder. To see you here today and the kind of people that you are has restored mine. Thank you.
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here are some of the signs that made me chuckle:
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(Sources: HuffPost, National Post, Chicago Press Release)
And, drum roll please, here’s my favorite one, hands down, or inside…
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I was able to watch Saturday Night Life on television (as opposed to on Hulu) tonight while I folded the laundry, as part of my “Restore My Sanity” one-woman rally the eve before Halloween… In the cold open, Joe “The Veep” Biden (as hilariously played by Jason Sudeikis) asked Americans to gain some perspectives by comparing themselves to the Chilean miners. They sang their national anthem every day while trapped underground. They prevailed. And when they were rescued they wrapped themselves in the Chilean flag as if Chile had just won the World Cup.
For people that complain, Biden/Sudeikis has a checklist for them:
Are you above ground?
(Long pause)
That’s it. That’s the only item on the checklist.
Don’t be the whiners. Think of the miners!
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Courtesy: www.maturelandscaping.com
Update: Here’s the post by Nancy at Mature Landscaping about her experience at the Rally. Here is the sign sported by her group. It is awesome.