These boots are made for…

36 Replies

When it comes to all these flash sale websites, I am a marketer’s dream girl. I think I give people in advertising like Don Draper wet dreams. I click on every email that MyHabit.com and Gilt.com sends me every day.

This undying support for people like Don Draper + the promise of free shipping and free return + the innate laziness that binds me to the idea of Internet shopping + fear of salespeople + firm believer in trying on clothing in the comfort of my own home + lure of the mental image of myself wearing boots in fall + never ever learning from the lesson called “Incongruity Detected” =

Guess who came home to two giant boxes that Mr. Monk can fit in and five pairs of boots?

 

Yes, I can hear all your screaming from here.

Now don’t get too excited. They are all going back because huh, I found out that my calves are the size and shape of winter melons.

And when I could not pull the zip shut along my left calve, I also discovered that my left leg is much thicker than my right leg, probably due to the Deep Vein Thrombosis (blood clog) that ran along my entire left leg when I was pregnant with Mr. Monk.

As I was sitting on the stairs heaving and grunting, trying to get these damn boots on and the zippers to zip up, I felt like I could understand the sadness and humiliation that Cinderella’s stepsisters must have felt. Ok, maybe just one of them. But still. I am Team Cinderella’s Stepsister now.

I did manage to get one pair of the boots on, with zippers up all the way. And I won’t lie to you, I liked what I saw. I started pulling on various dresses and skirts (because there is no way they are going over my jeans, get it? They are already busting at the seams… ) in my closet while wearing these boots. The dresses and skirts were transformed in a way that was totally unexpected with a pair of boots on. There is just something about boots that make you feel sexy and badass at the same time. They make you want to stride across a room with your head held up high, make you want to sing:

These boots are made for walking… Well, not really. There is no way these boots are made for walking. They are more like medieval torture device. But still, they look G.R.E.A.T on me.

Fortunately, I did not get carried away by self-indulgence because my teenage boy piped up, “Mom. You look weird.”

“What do you mean I look weird?”

“Well, take them off. They are not your style!”

“What IS my style?”

“They are not you!”

“What is my style then? … Jeans and t-shirts?”

“Yes.” He sounded exasperated now. “You look too hip in them.”

Well…

Unfortunately, all fun had to come to an end. It’s time to take them off, mostly because I was suffering stabbing pangs from leg cramp caused by shoving my calve into a sausage casing. More heaving and grunting. Midway through, the boots were stuck. By stuck I mean I had to pry the boots away from my calve by depressing the fat on my calve with my fingers while pushing the shaft down inch by inch. Eventually I had to give up and yelled for Mr. Monk to come and help me. This scene now bore some eerie similarity to the children’s story “The Great Enormous Giant Turnip”… complete with Mr. Monk falling backwards and landing on his tushie.

Hilarity ensued.

 

Coda: I am sitting here typing while wearing the boots. Yes I put them back on when the kids fell asleep. Yes I stare at them admiringly once in a while. No I am not so sure now that I am sending ALL of them back. I wonder how much liposuction costs?

“Are you ready boots? Start walkin’.”

 

36 thoughts on “These boots are made for…”

  1. Andrea

    See? I have to buy the boots for the “thick calved” girls, or it’s a no go. I once had a high school boyfriend note in awe that my calves were bigger than his. Really, I didn’t take it as flattery. But lately, I’ve found plenty of slouchy looking boots that fit fine. So there’s hope. And the picture you’ve described is me trying to fit into a certain pair of my jeans. My husband always asks what the hell I’m doing as I jump up and down trying to get them on. I’ve never seen him do that to a pair of jeans. Guys have it so easy.
    Andrea recently posted…"Bicycle Race"My Profile

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  2. Nikki Rules

    I’m a boot whore. I would sell my mother for a bitchin pair of boots. Word. Like Kitchen Witch, my legs are so skinny, most times I look like I’m playing dress up. But thankfully there are stores like Forever 21 selling me disposable boots for less than $30. I currently own 3 pairs (donated 1 pair recently and sold another one on eBay) and if I had my way, I’d have a different pair for each day! So, did you keep a pair?
    Nikki Rules recently posted…Things I’ve Never DoneMy Profile

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    1. Absence Alternatives Post author

      Ooooo. Great idea! Didn’t even know that’s an option. Do people even care to know what happened to my adventure in bootland? I scored a pair of Frye boots at Nordstrom Rack and I am in love. Still can’t wear them over jeans since I only wear Bootcut jeans (oh I am too kind to humanity to wear skinny jeans!) but I am wearing summer dresses with trench coat and my new fav thing in the world. You may soon see me on What Not to Wear. LOL. (That is a real TV show right?)

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  4. secret agent woman

    I LOVE boots. But I have the too-thin calves problem. So I think what they need to do is either make boots in a variety of calf sizes or (and this would be better) make them more adjustable. Maybe that’s why the women in that video are all wearing weirdly short boots?
    secret agent woman recently posted…War GamesMy Profile

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  6. Joy

    Wait…I have winter melon calves too. Every fall I see these women in cute short skirts and slender thigh high boots…I go to the shoe section and dammit, I can’t get those things passed my calves. 🙂 hehehe

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    1. Absence Alternatives Post author

      I love them too. I WAS able to put them on BUT I could not zip them shut. As I was trying, I kept on having this vision of Ben Stiller in “There’s Something About Mary”. You know, the one scene when he’s in Mary’s bathroom? The blood-curdling scream? Yup. So I stopped forcing the zipper…

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  8. Jeane

    This could definitely be used as an example of women torturing themselves for fashion! But using painful fashion to torture your son and his denial of your hipness….well, that is way justifiable! Just don’t step-sister out to the point of slicing off flesh. But seriously, the images you create are brilliant, painful but brilliant.
    Jeane recently posted…Risk vs. Reward – The Facebook Friend FactorMy Profile

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  13. Diane Laney Fitzpatrick

    I took dance classes when I was young and did a routine to “These Boots.” I still remember parts of it and sometimes when I put a pair of boots on, I do it and my husband and kids die a thousand deaths.

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  14. Mary Lee

    Oh my gosh, I don’t know what to do now. I have two pairs of new boots sitting on the window seat. (It was a terrific sale!) One pair is lined with warm stuff so that I can slide into them to run out in the cold. Nothing at all hip about them. They’re not Uggs for sure. Ughs, maybe.

    The other pair are more like the ones in your photo. I had to buy them because my calves–not my feet–have outgrown my old pair. My left leg and foot are larger too. I thought it must be because that used to be my hoppin’ foot.

    Those watermelons? Not my calves, but they do look familiar. What do you think–a 38 Long bra?

    You keep those boots and wear them to every school conference. Post a photo of Kalinda of The Good Wife on the fridge and tell Mr. Monk that’s the look you’re shooting for.
    Mary Lee recently posted…500? No…um…Excrement!!My Profile

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  15. Nuage

    Oh boy…. those are (were) some sexy boots….
    I, too, want to wear boots this fall and winter, but my swollen pregger legs and feet won’t allow it. God damn it!

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    1. Absence Alternatives Post author

      SMH I got your back! LOL. 😉 I never listen to my kids. My job is to humiliate them as much as I could! I tried on various combos tonight and I forced them to give me opinions. (Going to see Duran Duran tomorrow so am trying to dress up for John Taylor, or Nick Rhodes, which one was the one with mascaras and lipstick? Anyway, they’re old now and so am I!…) Before bedtime, my oldest told me that being forced to provide fashion opinions counted as 3 hours of community service… (He’s going thru Catholic Confirmation this year so he has to earn some community service hours…)

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  17. alejna

    I have never been able to wear boots, either. My legs are just shaped wrong. Even when I was a skinny teenager, my calves were just…big. Now that I am no longer a skinny teenager, my legs have gotten no thinner. Can’t those boot designers come up with some boots for those of us who walk on winter melons?

    I hope that you can manage to wear your badass boots without injury! They sound awesome.
    alejna recently posted…Hong Kong trip recap: days 3 and 4My Profile

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